Via Dustbury, I learned about Unsafe Search, an idea whose time has come. Basically, they first do a universal Google search on your phrase, then a second one with the full adult-filter applied. Then they remove all the hits from the nice, leaving just the naughty. Obvious and brilliant. But when I went there to check it out, what do I find?

It's a shame when someone searching for pornographic material related to, say, llamas, is forced to slog though many pages of perfectly innocuous llama sites before finally hitting upon the llama porn he was looking for.

I don't know guys, I never took the phrase link whoring as a literal description. I think this also proves that those online polls are full of crap.

This also gave me a chuckle (and it's work safe):

And nobody who does a Google search for "nice tits" wants to find a site like this one.

That site too, while perfectly harmless, has a nice sense of humor about the subject.

Posted by: Ted at 08:24 AM | category: Links
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Send these folks a photo of your tattoo, and they'll recreate it as a piece of silver jewelry. Tres chic, as my biker friends would say.

Posted by: Ted at 08:01 AM | category: Links
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I well remember this song as sung by our high school chorus. I can still sing the first half from memory, even though I was in the orchestra and never got a look at the actual lyrics. This version (yay internet!) is a little different than what I remember, but that could very well be the ol' memory going or too much nog or whatnot.

Anyway, this is not sung to the tune of the original, but is wonderful nevertheless.

The first day after Christmas

my true love and I had a fight

And so I chopped the pear tree down

And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge

I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both those stupid turtle doves.

The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make her some chicken soup.

The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
And they turned my fingers putrid green.

The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to
The neighborhood A.S.P.C.A.

The seventh day, what a mess I had found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
My true love, my true love
My true love gave to me

The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Twelve drummers drumming
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords-a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids-a-milking
(well, actually I kept *one* of the ladies)
And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
(Soprani) Birds!"

(Soprani) Birds!!!

(Everyone else) Four calling birds,
Three french hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"

There are a couple of alternate (and more crude) versions here. PS. I attended high school in the late 70's, so the "1992" attribution is just wrong.

Posted by: Ted at 07:23 AM | category: Waxing Lyrical
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I may have mentioned M1ke before (yes, that's a one, and it's how he spelled it online). He had the ability to write some of the funniest dirty stories I've ever read. He 'retired' in 1997, but before he disappeared (or more likely changed his online name), he left us an unforgettable short story titled The Night Before Christmas. This story is neither dirty nor funny, and I hope he's still somewhere around and sharing his amazing talent.

I'm serious about this, go read the story.

Posted by: Ted at 09:05 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Introduction
While cruising the net, I ran across this image, which brought back memories:

[The stamps issued consist of] five portraits of the actors based on publicity photographs of their most famous horror films. Lon Chaney appears as the Phantom of the Opera, Bela Lugosi as Dracula, Boris Karloff as Frankenstein and the Mummy and Lon Chaney Jr. as Wolf Man.

The descendants had wanted stamps that carried two portraits of their famous relatives, one with monster makeup and one without. Designer Derry Noyes of Washington met their wishes by placing signed photographs of the four actors at the top of the sheets of 20 stamps.

The stamps are the second to contain hidden images, using a process developed by Graphic Security Systems Corp. of Lake Worth, Fla. This time designers have scrambled an image -- not letters -- into each of the stamps: bats on the Dracula stamp, hieroglyphics on the Mummy, masks on the Phantom, wolves on the Wolf Man and lightning bolts on Frankenstein.

To see the images requires purchase of a $4.95 "decoder lens" from the Postal Service.

With that as inspiration, here's the last in a series of brief bios based on those classic stamps.

(in the extended entry) more...

Posted by: Ted at 10:11 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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When Daniel first started blogging, he did a series on "how and why things work" that was very interesting and informative (sorry, no link to specifics, couldn't find anything on his page for that).

Being a grad student and lab rat research assistant, he probably doesn't have time for that series anymore, and we haven't seen one in quite a while. That's a shame.

So as a service to the Rocket Jones readers, I'm going to pick up the torch and run with it, much like the scissors mom warned you about. Not being a professional scientist (or even one in training), I'll have to apply my innate parental skills to the task.

First question:

continued in the extended entry more...

Posted by: Ted at 09:43 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Hockey. Fed up with it. Disgusted. Barely paying attention to the labor problems because the average NHL player busts his ass for more than a million dollars per year while I bust my ass for a pitiful fraction of that. Shut up you whiny bitches and enjoy your season playing in Podunk, Russia. Hope like hell you don't suffer a career-ending injury there either. If I sound sympathetic towards the owners, it's only a matter of degree. They've done it to themselves with idiot owners (why are the biggest nitwits always in New York?) who wildly overpay for average talent. But you know what? The players agreed to the contracts. I never heard of an owner saying "I'm not going to pay you what we agreed to because you didn't perform up to expectations." Hockey is a business, and the players seem to think that the owners owe them the ability to make a living playing professional hockey for top dollar. I wonder how many owners have secretly admitted that they'd be better off folding their team and being done with the annual ritual of losing money? To the players: the owners don't owe you squat. How do you say "Bend over and enjoy it" in Swedish?

DC Baseball. The Nationals might never be. Boo freaking Hoo. I'm an Orioles fan and it wouldn't break my heart at all not to have a "local" team (transplanted from Canada and known for it's distinct Latin character) move in and take away televised games I actually care to see. Nobody local should be surprised, because it's Washington DC fer pete's sake! What did you expect?!?!?!?! The Nationals were a political hostage from the day they were announced, I'm just surprised their official uniforms weren't announced as orange jumpsuits.

Update before I even posted this: I just caught the briefest radio flash on this so the details might be wrong, but apparently DC is requiring a non-refundable $10,000 payment with each financing plan. This fee will be used to hire private auditors or some such because the District's CFO is out of the country until mid-January. This doesn't make much sense to me as I write it, but the additional up-front money is typical DC gov.

Posted by: Ted at 05:55 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 In Swedish: kröka över och njuta av den

Just thought you'd want to know.

Posted by: Silver Blue at December 18, 2004 07:56 AM (G/XfQ)

2 WHen Montreal announced that they were moving to DC I figured it was a done deal. Then it kinda wasn't a done deal -- yet. Now it might not be at all! Where in tarnation did these people get their business degrees? Telling someone you're gonna do something before you even know if you can isn't management, it's trashtalk, and it belongs on the field, not off.

That said, the Ex-pos oughta just screw DC and move to Havana. The folks down there will not only actually show up to the games, but the DC government will get to watch themselves being passed over for a frickin' communist hellhole. And Castro (a former ballplayer himself) will have to open the island's "culture" to outside influences, however piddling it'd be.

Grrr...

Posted by: Tuning Spork at December 18, 2004 07:59 PM (lq74+)

3 Thanks SB, I knew someone would know that.

Spork, in January the new city council takes office, and they're decidedly *not* pro-baseball, so this needed to be a done deal before the end of the year. Cropp is running for mayor, and this was an effective way to torpedo current mayor Williams, who should have seen it coming. I don't disagree with Cropp, DC should have private funding for the stadium, and the city agreed to way too much to get the team. Last week it was announced that part of the deal with MLB was that the city picked up all costs for police and security during games, whereas the Capitals, Wizards and Redskins all pay the city for that. It's a bad deal for DC, and the best thing might be for it to fall through.

Posted by: Ted at December 18, 2004 08:53 PM (ZjSa7)

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A Perfectly Cromulent Blog, where you'll get such wisdom as:

(discussing what hot dog condiments reveal about your personality) I'm largely ambivalent on the subject of corn dogs, however. On one hand, there are a limited number of useable toppings. On the other, any foodstuff that leaves you with a potentially deadly weapon afterwards is all right by me.

Posted by: Ted at 12:08 PM | category: Links
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The repair guy showed up late yesterday afternoon to fix the oven. Two hundred dollars for 10 minutes worth of work, it was a straight part swap-out of the igniter module. Apparently they lose efficiency over time and ours lasted more than twice as long as average. To make the one stove burner "just like new" would be another hundred and a half, but we've learned to work around it even though it works "just like old", so we passed on that. I can't complain much because the range is 12 years old and this is the first trouble we've ever had from it.

Posted by: Ted at 06:13 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I have to work in the morning dammit, and they're out there partying all night long.

Posted by: Ted at 05:47 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Kaya no te wo

Hitotsu hazushite,

Tsuki-mi kana!

A simple haiku, written in the 1700's by the Japanese poetess and Buddhist nun Chiyo.

Her challenge was to write about a square, a triangle and a circle within the 17 syllables of a single haiku, and it is said that she immediately responded with the above verse. Here's the english translation:

"Detaching one corner of the mosquito-net, lo! I behold the moon!"

The top of the mosquito-net, suspended by cords at each of the four corners, respresents the square. Letting down the net at one corner converts the square into a triangle. The moon represents the circle.

There are many more beautiful pieces at the link above.

Posted by: Ted at 05:27 AM | category: Links
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Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated, I am

{Chorus}
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me
So isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that I am

{Chorus}

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever

Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'll be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away (3x)
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away (4x)

{Chorus}

My hope
dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

Posted by: Ted at 04:37 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Most people have a few special movies that they can watch over and over and over again. For me it would be the following:

Father Goose - Cary Grant
Victor Victoria - Robert Preston, Julie Andrews, James Garner
King Ralph - John Goodman
Sahara - James Belushi

Maybe this has been done before, but feel free to post yours and link back, or leave 'em in the comments.

Posted by: Ted at 12:20 PM | category: Cult Flicks
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Except in Nigeria.

Posted by: Ted at 12:15 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Courtesy of 'Tis the Season, and found via the effervescent Squipper!

Ho x 3 indeed.

Posted by: Ted at 05:55 AM | category: Links
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Not me, well... yeah, me. But I mean besides me. Ptiza of Chicken Soup for the Vegan Soul (love that title, love her writing), tells about the Number One Worst Movie of All Time.

Posted by: Ted at 05:18 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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I think I've got it right...

Bul Go Gi - Korean marinated beef.

Pa Go Gi - Korean marinated pork.

Ka Go Gi - Korean marinated dog.

I'm torn as to whether I want you to correct me or not. Some knowlege is just better left fuzzy.

Posted by: Ted at 04:55 AM | category: Recipes
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Actual conversations and comments from my youngest daughter.

Here's where I wish I had multiple sets of eyes so I could glare at more than one of you at once.

Discussing attire for a semi-formal this weekend:

I have formal and I have informal. Maybe I should just wear my prom dress and a hoodie.

In her Physics class with her lab partner:

Partner: Give me a random number so I can solve this quadratic equation.

Mookie: 76.

Partner (after a few moments): Whoa, that's weird. Let me double check that... (more time passes) Holy crap, the answer is 75.9!

Mookie: Tuesday is jello day.

Posted by: Ted at 07:09 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 *bwahahaha* Having had the glorious opportunity to get to know her in person makes this even funnier!!! You have captured her essence well!

Posted by: dawn at December 15, 2004 09:12 PM (Rgkju)

2 Yeah, her essence is "Eau de Cynical Smartmouth Teenager"

Posted by: Ted at December 16, 2004 07:32 AM (blNMI)

3 "Tuesday is jello day," is some bizarre Mookie code for something, isn't it?

Posted by: Victor at December 16, 2004 09:15 AM (L3qPK)

4 Rainman, Victor.

Posted by: Ted at December 16, 2004 09:37 AM (blNMI)

5 oh yes, Rainman it is.

Gotta buy my underwear at Kmart. Only kmart. Not walmart. Gotta buy my underwear at Kmart.

Posted by: Mookie at December 16, 2004 02:52 PM (ZjSa7)

6 Oh. I've never seen Rainman.

I like my idea better. The spotted cuckoo bird is flying backwards.

Posted by: Victor at December 18, 2004 04:12 PM (etHvD)

7 Yes, but is she an excellent driver?

Posted by: CGHill at December 18, 2004 05:28 PM (AUDQP)

8 LOL CG! Actually, she hates to drive and we can't get her behind the wheel most of the time.

Posted by: Ted at December 18, 2004 09:02 PM (ZjSa7)

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Sgt Hook is signing off. Thanks to Jennifer for passing on that sad news.

Rachael Lucas is back as Blue-Eyed Infidel. She was the first blog I ever discovered, and if you thought she was full of ranty mc-rants before, well lookout!

...this blog is not going to be as nice as Piquant Rants. Yeah that's right I said not as nice.

Curse words will be used. Insults tossed forth carelessly. That sort of thing. My former blog got to be markedly unpleasant for me the minute I started worrying what elderly relatives or future in-laws or my more conservative section of readers would think if I said I hope Barbra Streisand suffers from chronic yeast infections.

So screw all that. No more touchy-worry-cringey manners. You no likey, you go now!

I'm so looking forward to reading her again. Thanks Jeff for pointing out her new home!

Posted by: Ted at 11:59 AM | category: Links
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I heard a nifty little radio spot this morning on the way to work, courtesy of Boeing and Bill Nye, the Science Guy. There's a complete transcript here (it's pretty short).

I really liked this part:

Science is a way of thinking. We explore, observe, test, and eventually know. ItÂ’s a process we want our kids to embrace. ItÂ’s the P, B, & J, the Passion, Beauty, and Joy of science that will give them the means to understand the world around them and try to make it better.

Of course, not everybody is a Bill Nye fan.

Posted by: Ted at 06:10 AM | category: SciTech
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