September 30, 2005

Sheep?!?!?! No, please. Anything but sheep.

You gotta love this:

Hello, my name is Vic...

(crowd): Hi, Vic!

...and I'm a vampire.

Vic has a problem. He's a young vampire (as vampire ages go) who only wants a reasonably normal life. But every time he gets a girlfriend, when things get hot and heavy he's overcome with bloodlust and winds up killing her.

The only thing to do is to join a 12-step program: Vampires Anonymous.

The first part of the process involved taking a battery of tests to develop a complete psychological and physical profile. At the end, the vampire is presented with an animal especially matched to provide an alternative to feeding on human blood.

So Vic gets sent to a small town in North Carolina, known for it's sheep farms. You can imagine the fuss when sheep start disappearing, and of course there are complications with the small town badasses and women troubles.

Things really go to hell when a corporate slayer shows up in town.

There are mildly gory scenes and blood (it's a vampire movie, whaddaya expect?), and some nice minor plotlines and running gags appearing throughout the story. The VA meetings are a riot. A good description would be Doc Hollywood with fangs.

I like this movie. It's a nice blend of comedy and vampires.

Posted by: Ted at 04:50 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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September 29, 2005

Laugh out loud funny

Stolen entire from The Ministry of Minor Perfidy:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”

Thanks Johno, I needed that!

Posted by: Ted at 04:49 PM | category: Links
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Did someone say juvenile? I am so there!

I can't even claim that it started innocently:

Ted,

How about playing a round of "How Many Beers?" for the blog?

You know the drill, how many beers to bang the broads on the list. If you decline, we'll ridicule you. I'm just kidding, I totally understand if you want to bow out. Our type of humor is somewhat...juvenile.

Here's the list:

So yeah, I played. Click here if you want to see the list of ladies I was presented with and my answers. Jennifer played, and sparked tons of comments on her round o' potentials. Why not make me feel as loved?

Posted by: Ted at 12:07 PM | category: Links
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Kalimba

I was jamming some Earth, Wind & Fire the other day when the Kalimba Song came on. I've always loved the sound of the kalimba, and a quick google search turned up these instructions on building your own two-octive kalimba (rather inexpensively). I just might have to give this a go.

Posted by: Ted at 06:00 AM | category: Links
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September 28, 2005

I'd rather get sweaty with Richard Simmons

You must check out these actual Weight Watchers Recipe Cards from 1974. The accompanying commentary is priceless:

Once upon a time the world was young and the words "mackerel" and "pudding" existed far, far away from one another.

One day, that all changed. And then, whoever was responsible somehow thought the word "fluffy" would help.

Oh, and eggs, too.

Major kudos to Sheila for the pointer.

Posted by: Ted at 05:33 AM | category: Links
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Hah! Dogette has nothing on me!!!

Over at Two Nervous Dogs, Dogette has redecorated again (behold the genius that is "Goth Undies of Despair"), and bemoans the fact that she's way early on her Halloween posting.

Never fear, m'dear. To make you feel better, I shall begin my Christmas posting at once, so that people shall gaze upon TND and exclaim, "why, she's positively last-minute!"

So, I begin with a song. A Christmas song from my youth. A song I remember playing often during the holiday's, from a scratched up LP of odd little ditty's with nary a baby Jesus in the lot.

Dear Senor Santa Clause

Dear Senor Santa Claus, I think I tell you what

I would like for Christmas, and I hope you won't forgot.

I only want a peso that I can have for mine

to get my senorita something for Christmastime.

I don't believe you read the card last Christmas that I sent.
You come to see the kids across the street and then you went.

Dear Senor Santa Claus, I think me understand.
Sometimes the toys all gone before you reach the Rio Grande.

Dear Senor Santa Claus, I tell you what I think.
I no got a stocking--I set out my piggy bank.
So please bring me a peso that I can have for mine
to get my senorita something for Christmastime.

On Christmas Eve I watched for you, and I no sleep a wink.
If I no get Lolita something, she feel sad I think.

So please, Senor Santa Claus,
this Christmas be so grand
if I get a peso to buy a ring for my Lolita's hand.

I don't know what I buy for her.
I think I buy a rose.
So she can wear it in her hair
Most everywhere she goes.

Please, Senor Santa Claus, this Christmas be so grand
if I get a peso to buy a ring for my Lolita's hand...

My online research claims that it was written by Elmo and Patty, but for the life of me I can't remember who sang the version I loved so much. The singer was male and sang the song straight (as in no goofy voices). Marty Robbins, maybe? Jim Reeves? Dunno.

Now if I can just find the words to "I'm the Happiest Christmas Tree"...

Posted by: Ted at 04:25 AM | category: Waxing Lyrical
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September 27, 2005

There's painful, and then there's painful

I am, of course, referring to baseball's pennant race in the National League West. You know, the division where the San Diego Padres stink on ice, which is only marginally better than the rest of the division, which just stinks. In fact, if this season's putrid San Francisco Giants squad sweeps their four game series with the Padres, they'll win the division.

Grant, of The McCovey Chronicles, describes it thusly:

In the `80s movie version of the 2005 NL West, the climax comes with a muscle-bound villain -- Dolph Lundgren? -- laying his opponent to waste, and leaving him for dead. Slowly, the Terminator-like beast rises from the ashes, and it starts lumbering after Dolph, who grits his teeth and mutters, "Why won't you just die?"

No, no, let's just switch this around. Instead of Dolph Lundgren and Arnold Schwarzenegger...let's see Ben Stein and Steve Buscemi. In fact, let's forget the penultimate fighting scene, and just make the last 15 minutes of the movie a single camera shot of two 90-year old people making love. One of them is going to finish first, but no one really wins.

It's sad. It's ugly. It's my beloved Giants. I'm not sure I'd want this to happen. I'm not like a Cubs fan, who perpetually believes that the ballclub will magically transform itself into a powerhouse just by being the least pathetic team in the division race. The winning team will still be tragically bad, and they'll get to display that wretchedness for a few games longer, instead of going home, licking wounds, and beating their heads against the wall in an attempt at self-inflicted amnesia.

Then again, you never know. Go Giants!

Posted by: Ted at 12:24 PM | category: Links
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Earth to orbit is 90% of the effort

A successful test of space elevator hardware.

“We’re not a PowerPoint company anymore … we’re a hardware company.” -- Michael Laine, president of the LiftPort Group

In less than a month, NASA's Ames Research Center in California will host the First Annual Space Elevator Competition. Every day, the future gets closer to reality.

Thanks to Transterrestrial Musings for the pointer.

Posted by: Ted at 12:04 PM | category: Space Program
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Flame-broiled Mudpies on Airbake pans

Well, not exactly. It's this week's edition of the Carnival of the Recipes, hosted by fellow Munuvian Triticale.

Posted by: Ted at 05:54 AM | category: Recipes
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I knew I was in trouble...

In this week's fantasy football matchup, I was behind in points with one game left to go, the Monday night matchup between the Chiefs and Broncos. I have tight end Tony Gonzales on my team, one of the best in the game. All I needed was a typical Tony-sized game, and I could squeak my way to victory.

Yeah right. I'm an Oakland Raiders fan, and there isn't any way that a Chiefs player is going to do me any favors. In fact, my phone rang at halftime:

Me: Hello?

Voice: Hi Ted. This is Tony Gonzales.

Me: What the hell are you doing out there? You're killing me, man.

Voice: I dropped those passes on purpose dude. You know, Chiefs rule, Raiders drool. *click*

Chiefs and Broncos... sheesh. I used to say that during games like that I'd be rooting for a sniper in the stands, but thanks to that idiot Malvo it ain't funny any more.

So anyways, all hail Brendoman, who whooped me this week. Good game, guy.

Posted by: Ted at 04:28 AM | category: Links
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September 26, 2005

Prom or Halloween, the versatility is breathtaking

In the extended entry (warning - indelicate language) more...

Posted by: Ted at 06:42 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Does this make me a bad Republican?

I only eat ketchup on two things: tater tots and grilled cheese sandwiches.

Posted by: Ted at 05:30 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Another Chance to Help

Victor is riding in the Lance Armstrong Tour of Hope for cancer research.

We've had multiple opportunities to contribute to worthy causes lately, but if you'd like to make a donation to help him meet his goal, here's his page.

Posted by: Ted at 05:22 AM | category: Links
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New Munuvians

I still maintain my sidebar links by hand, so it doesn't get updated as often as it should.

Stop by and say hello to:

The cool kids just got a little bit cooler.

Posted by: Ted at 04:12 AM | category: Links
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September 25, 2005

Lazy Sunday?

Not around here, but I've already wasted too much time on this virtual Lite-Brite. I always wanted one as a kid, but never managed to talk my parents into it. When we moved into this house, I finally understood why. We found those little plastic pegs in the oddest places for years afterwards.

Thanks to Camp HappyBadFun for the pointer.

Posted by: Ted at 09:15 AM | category: Links
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Helping Hand

Blame Bou, or maybe I'm just a helpful kind of guy, but vw bug of One Happy Dog Speaks will soon, with your participation, enjoy increased hits on her site from people who Google "plugging butts".

Go ahead, click and link, it's not dirty. Honest. Do it because everyone should be #1 for something on Google.

Posted by: Ted at 08:59 AM | category: Links
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Two Pearls from the Orient

When the average person thinks about Japanese movies, they often think Godzilla (original title: Gojira). You might know that the horror movie The Ring (2002) is based on a 1998 Japanese film called Ringu, or that 1960's The Magnificent Seven was directly adapted from 1954's Shichinin no samurai (cowboys instead of samurai).

I recently had the opportunity to see two incredible films, neither of which involved creatures stomping Tokyo.

Onmyoji. Set in 18th century Japan, the main character is perhaps the greatest of the Onmyoji. Fortuneteller and astronomer, wizard and priest, these adepts were the guardians and monitors of the interface between the material and spiritual worlds. Beyond the swords and sorcery, this is an epic story of love, loyalty, friendship and the triumph of good over evil (although it's a very near thing). The movie is beautiful to look at, and the world it creates is alien to the western mind, yet the underlying rationale for everyone's actions are understandable in human terms. You'll have to pay attention, because the story has layers of meaning and several themes that weave in and out of the forefront of the tale. It's in Japanese with English subtitles, and if you don't mind that then I'd say that Onmyoji is a must see.

A while back, I saw a news item where opthamologists in India were petitioning the government to ban a certain horror movie. Apparently, donated organs are rare in India because the belief in reincarnation is widespread, and relatives wouldn't dream of sending their loved ones onto the next life minus parts. Especially acute is the shortage of corneas. The movie that the medical community wanted banned may have been this next one.

Jian Gui (literally: Seeing Ghosts, but released internationally as The Eye), was made by (I think) a Hong Kong filmmaker. This movie is one of those genuinely creepy films that scares you without grossing you out. In this one, a woman named Mun receives a cornea transplant which allows her to see. This turns out to be a mixed blessing, because she loses important parts of her life since she is now sighted, yet must relearn everything about the world around her - a world she only knows by touch. Again, because of the oriental slant on life (no pun intended), actions and situations are already vaguely strange, and the atmosphere and situations that come about build upon that unease to really amp up the chills. Mun begins to realize that some things she sees are invisible to others, and she's not sure if she's hallucinating or seeing ghosts that walk among us. Eventually, she comes to believe that she must discover the truth behind the donor of her corneas, and the visions become more disturbing as time goes by. The ending is just, wow.

So there you have it. One spiritual trip through feudal Japan, and one helluva chilling ride through east spooksville. You won't go wrong with either of these.

Posted by: Ted at 01:14 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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September 24, 2005

City folks have to find an upstairs window

I've dreamed of doing this. I'm sure we all have.

Thanks to Dustbury for making my day.

Posted by: Ted at 08:51 PM | category: Links
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Why cable was invented

Now where did I leave the remote?

Posted by: Ted at 10:23 AM | category: Square Pegs
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September 23, 2005

Hey, look who's in town! KILL HIM!!!!

I was watching the Weather Channel coverage of Hurricane Rita, and they've got a reporter located in Sulphur, Louisiana. He was saying that the eye would pass right over or just to the west of them, and another reporter mentioned that the guy was "four for four" this season.

Four hurricanes, four assignments, four times he's been right near where the eye comes ashore.

If Jeff Morrow ever visits your town, get the hell out.

Posted by: Ted at 10:02 PM | category: Square Pegs
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