Now that cranking up the stereo has been redefined as torture, and we've all been tragically reminded about what this whole "war on terror" is about, I think it's time to codify our official "torture" response. In ascending order of harshness:

• Christine Aguilara


• Hanson


• Pat Boone


• Tiny Tim


• Roseanne Barr

Yeah, call me barbaric.

Posted by: Ted at 05:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
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At least that's what some folks want you to believe when it comes to climate change. Some scientists have even suggested that an increase in certain clouds over the Earths' poles could be indication that the process is speeding up.

Or maybe not.

Polar mesospheric clouds - also called noctilucent clouds - form in the summer over the poles at altitudes of about 52 miles (84 kilometers), making them the highest clouds in the Earth's atmosphere. They have been monitored in recent years because they are thought to be sensitive to the temperature and humidity of the atmosphere.

That part is correct.

Researchers using satellite and ground-based instruments tracked the exhaust plume from Columbia's liftoff from Kennedy Space Center in Florida on Jan. 16, 2003. The plume was roughly 650 miles long and two miles wide.

As with all shuttle launches, about 97 percent of this exhaust turns into water - a by-product of the liquid hydrogen and liquid oxygen fuel. The resulting 400 tons of extra water in the atmosphere has an observable effect on cloud formation.

Stevens and his colleagues observed a significant increase in polar mesospheric clouds over Antarctica in the days following the launch.

Oops, this sounds like one of those "ignore the man behind the curtain" moments. During discussions on the subject, I like to remind folks that Earth has *never* had a stable climate in its history. That always makes 'em stop, but it doesn't always make them think.

Posted by: Ted at 11:33 AM | category: SciTech
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Tim Brown will sign a one-day contract so that he can retire as an Oakland Raider.

Brown, who turns 39 on July 22, played the first 16 of his 17 seasons with the Raiders, and always hoped to be remembered as the organization's greatest receiver. He was the last former member of the Los Angeles Raiders and the person young players turned to for advice.

The self-proclaimed "Mr. Raider" holds most of the club's receiving records, and his 240 games with the team are the most in franchise history.

Brown was a first-round draft choice by the Raiders in 1988 out of Notre Dame.

Thank you Tim Brown, you've always been a class act and quietly built your credentials proving that you're one of the all-time greats.

Posted by: Ted at 06:10 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Reports are mixed, with authorities saying some blasts were caused by electrical overloads, yet at least one packed bus was devastated by a bomb. There's no word on the casualty count, except to confirm that deaths have occurred.

This is a police matter only long enough to stabilize the situation and to do the forensic investigations. After that, it becomes a military action to find and neutralize the monsters who intentionally target civilians.

ACLU, obstructionists and revisionists, and the rest of the human ostriches who refuse to acknowlege reality, please crawl back under your rock, slither back into your holes, and rebury your head in the sand, respectively, so that the rest of us can deal with this terrorist threat.

(revised after reflection that this could be an IRA action, although I think that's a rather remote possibility)

UPDATE: Helen of Everyday Stranger has posted that she, her beloved Angus, and her coworkers are all safe and accounted for.

Posted by: Ted at 06:05 AM | category: Square Pegs
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You might remember them, I sure do.

Thanks to Curmudgeonly & Skeptical for the trip down memory lane (nsfw).

Looks like some interesting links to follow way down at the bottom too.

Posted by: Ted at 08:40 PM | category: Links
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London, England is awarded the 2012 Olympics.

Jolly good, that.

Posted by: Ted at 11:17 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Q&O posted a link to a thought-provoking article imagining what it would be like to construct the Declaration of Independence online today.

Stephen knows exactly what they're talking about.

Well worth the read.

Posted by: Ted at 06:07 AM | category: Links
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I wasn't going to hit you. Honest! But I was so busted by the time I saw you standing there with your radar gun, and well, I had to do something to distract you before you got my license plate. I'm sorry about your uniform too, because I'm sure the ditch you dived into was muddy from the storms last night. I'd offer to pay the cleaning bill, but then that would kinda defeat the purpose of the whole thing, now wouldn't it?

Not that I'm admitting anything.

Posted by: Ted at 05:15 AM | category: Square Pegs
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An alphabetical list of all the characters who've appeared in Dr. Seuss books.

It seems that a few,
Escaped the review,
But are marked plain to see,
To be completeness-y,
And you can tell which,
So just deal with it, bitch.

That's harder than it looks.

Posted by: Ted at 04:58 AM | category: Links
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In the movie Exit to Eden, you get to see the delicious Dana Delaney in several exotic and kinky outfits. She gets naked too.

You also see Rosie O'Donnel dancing on a strip club stage in a bustier.

Posted by: Ted at 06:39 PM | category: Cult Flicks
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Me (picking up phone): Hello?

Phone: Good afternoon Mr. Phillips. This is not a sales call, I'm taking a brief survey and ---

Me: *sigh* It's Phipps. You can't even be bothered to get the name right, so why should I talk to you?

Phone: I'm sorry sir. I have a few questions to ask and if you would give me a few minutes of your time to respond it would be appreciated.

Me: Questions about what?

Phone: Political issues.

Me: Go for it.

Phone: First, sir, some demographic information (asks about age, sex, zip code, etc., smooth sailing right up until...) Are you a registered voter?

Me: Yes.

Phone: Would you characterize yourself as a Democrat or as a Republican?

Me: That's a meaningless question.

Phone: Pardon?

Me: I'm a white male, raised in a christian home, so according to the head of the DNC, that makes me a Republican, regardless of what I'm registered as.

Phone: *long pause* Would you say your annual income is between --

Me: I make no reportable income. In fact, I've never worked an honest day in my life.

Phone: *longer pause* Of the following issues, which would you say is more important to you? Is it --

Me: Let me explain something to you. I decide who gets my vote based on the issues and who's position I agree with. Sometimes it's a Republican, sometimes it's a Democrat. But because of the rhetoric and namecalling coming from the Democrats and the asinine obstruction of any real debate, I've decided that for the first time in my life I'm going to vote straight Republican. I'm doing this to show Dean and Pelosi and that nitwit from Nevada that I'm tired of their childish antics and that I expect, no, I demand better from them. The Republicans could run Charles Manson for office, and right now I'd vote for him over Jesus Christ himself to make this point. Change the Democratic leadership and offer me some reasonable and rational alternatives, or I keep protesting with my vote.

Phone: *pause long enough to make me think he's hung up* Senator Reid.

Me: Excuse me?

Phone: The Senator from Nevada is Senator Reid.

Me: Well, you know what they say: the only things in Nevada are cactus and hookers. The man is a saguaro-sized prick, but he's got the ethics of a Vegas whore.

Phone (gallant attempt at a closing rally): Thank you Sir, for taking the time to respond --

Me: Nothing personal, son, but I want you to note that I'm pissed about what is happening and what I'm hearing.

Phone (pressing on): -- for taking the time to respond to this survey.

Me: Democrat.

Phone: Pardon?

Me: I'm a lifelong registered Democrat. *click*

I feel like I'm pissing into the wind, but you've gotta make the attempt.

Posted by: Ted at 04:45 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Fortunately, it appeals to the history buff in me too. Check out this amazing site that shows the history of NHL jerseys. Each team, year by year, with a little commentary on trends, comings and goings, and uniforms so ugly they define "stinks on ice". Rollover the pictures to see who won the Stanley Cup that season, and look at the bottom of the pages for bonus uniforms!

Thanks to the Hockey Pundits for the pointer. I expect I'll visit them a lot more often once we get hockey back.

Posted by: Ted at 04:12 AM | category: Links
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Not much going on around here. We used to throw a hundred bucks into the kitty with a couple of neighbors and make the run to West Virginia for "real" fireworks, but got turned off a couple of years ago when it started turning into drunken-idiots-with-roman-candles night. The kids are gone this year, plus I get plenty of "whoosh" year round, so we'll probably just sit on our porch and watch the happenings on the street and admire the good stuff going boom over the trees.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Sam.

Posted by: Ted at 06:25 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 You should have come to Great Meadow, the rocket demo went great (except that John H lost a small rocket on a big motor). The fireworks display was also the best one I have ever personally viewed.

You coming out Saturday?

Posted by: Maelstrom at July 05, 2005 08:27 AM (z62e3)

2 We're headed out Saturday for vacation. No launching for me until August.

Posted by: Ted at July 05, 2005 01:12 PM (blNMI)

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Mu.Nu had server problems yesterday, so even though I wanted to post I could not. It was pretty much system-wide, although the occasional post was allowed through. Pixy tracked down the problem to an upgrade to PERL (automatically installed) that's incompatible with Movable Type, plus a couple of denial of service attacks. This kind of trouble makes me glad that I'm still a mainframe programmer. I'd go crazy trying to track something like that down.

Posted by: Ted at 06:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
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We delivered Mookie to Governor's School yesterday, making the drive down to Richmond in good time. She's at the University of Richmond campus, which is absolutely beautiful. I wonder how long it's been there, because it's like it was set down into the middle of an old-growth forest, and you can seldom see more than one building at a time for the trees and hills.

So we get there, she checked in, and there was a note next to her name saying she needed to report to the nurse's office. We figured it was for her prescription medication, because she's mildly allergic to insect bites, and she'd OD on OTC Benadryl before it did her any good.

After hauling one load of her stuff to her room, we were headed back down the stairs, following about a half-flight behind a mom and her daughter. I said to Rachael, loud enough to be heard, "The nurse wants to see you before the opening ceremony, so let's go now. As long as you take your medication every day, you won't be a danger to any of the other children."

The mom in front of us spun around and looked at us, and I swear I've never seen a more horrified look on a person's face. Those wide-eye'd cartoon double-takes? Yep, like that.

She went through a door on the next landing, while Rachael and I continued down the stairs, me laughing like a maniac and Mookie hitting me and telling me to behave. She was giggling too though.

Later, we were bringing the last of her stuff up, which was a couple cases of bottled water and Rachael was telling me that Mom got her a bunch of those single bottle lemonade mixes. Mookie is a lemonade fiend, so she was very appreciative. Walking past a line of students and parents waiting to check in, I told her that making her happy was the second best thing about being a parent. Not seeing it coming, Mookie asked what the first best thing was.

"Telling you 'no'."

That got quite a few laughs too, but I'd bet it was all from the grups.

Posted by: Ted at 05:44 AM | category: Boring Stories
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Quite a while ago our local "community" magazine started a monthly themed recipe contest. At first I was anticipating all the new recipes to try, but now I can't even look at the page without becoming enraged.

Here's a sample First Place winner:

Creamy Chicken Chili

1 cup chopped cooked chicken
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 can white beans
1 tsp chili powder (optional)

Mix and heat together in saucepan with enough water to make it chili thick. Serve with shredded cheese on top.

I shit you not.

Out of all the other recipes to pick (a page full), that one was judged best. The "chef" also remarked that sometimes she uses black beans instead because that makes it more "authentic".

I'm sorry, but the only way "authentic" is related to that travesty is that they're both in the dictionary. And using black beans would make it look like bugs floating in pus. I'm just saying.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find a stamp so's I can submit my recipe for "Lightly Scorched White Bread with Butter". I figure I've got a real shot, especially if I mention that sometimes we use whole wheat instead.

Posted by: Ted at 04:48 PM | category: Recipes
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1 Just call it "blackened" white bread.That'd seal tha deal.Or,how about "dry white toast and four fried chickens and a coke?"
BTW,that "chef" is a dumbass.Just for his info real chili doesn't have beans in it.Honest!

Posted by: Russ at July 04, 2005 01:04 AM (ObxzR)

2 I see "recipes" like this in our local power company magazine all the time. It's like these people have no concept of spices or preparation. But I have to agree, that "recipe" takes the cake. Pardon the pun... ;-)

As for myself, even the most simple item I whip up usually has more put into it than that half-assed culinary tragedy. Sheesh. The "chef" might as well have submitted a recipe for bean burritos starting with the line "Unwrap burritos and microwave on High for 1 minute..."

--TwoDragons

Posted by: Denita TwoDragons at July 04, 2005 11:29 AM (YyphT)

3 LOL!!! The really sad part is, more and more alleged "cook books" are publishing those kinds of recipes, too! Thank God I have my grandma's "Household Searchlight" Cookbook. You know, the one where the recipe starts "Catch a plump chicken" ...

Posted by: Susie at July 04, 2005 02:31 PM (PWYyH)

4 I'm not sure, but adding butter to your lightly scorched bread might be too difficult. Maybe just sprinkling on some salt instead?

The real question is, if that was first place, what the heck lost?

Posted by: owlish at July 05, 2005 01:20 PM (fKZxn)

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Rocket Jones has just undergone it's longest stretch of inactivity in its two year life. I've been... distracted... which is as good a word as any to describe my mind lately.

If you've been around for any length of time, you know that my wife has some rather severe medical problems (check the "seriously" and/or "boring stories" archives if you wanna know). While difficult, they're not life threatening, so we count our blessings and get on with life.

For the last couple of months, she's been seeing various specialists as they try to figure out the latest medical mystery. Each one has given us good news, in that a whole roster of very scary possibilities have been eliminated one by one. But each negative test result only ratcheted up the tension, because no one could point at something specific and say, "ah-Hah! Here's the problem!"

I've been a basket case, and I have the easy job, being the understanding and supportive husband. You can imagine the state of mind Liz has been living with.

On Tuesday I got a phone call from the Urgent Care clinic, letting me know that Liz was there with chest pains. By the time I'd gotten there, most of the lab work was complete and they knew for sure that it wasn't a heart attack. Diagnosis: stress and possible panic attack. No question as to what could be the underlying reason.

On Wednesday, we got the "ah-Hah!" moment we've been waiting for. It's not a brain tumor (thank God), but Liz will have to undergo some rather delicate surgery in the very near future. They'll be going up through the sinuses with their lasers and cameras, which is good because they won't have to drill holes in her skull. The bad part is that there is a remote possibility that she may lose her eyesight in the process. The surgery isn't all that uncommon, but there are definite risks because it's working near the finicky bits around the eyes.

Once it's done (and we're assuming it'll be successful), she'll have to stay on meds for the problem for life, and have annual checkups with the specialist.

We go on a long-overdue (and badly-needed) vacation week after next, and on the following Monday Liz goes in for her surgery.

Think good thoughts people, it couldn't hurt. Thanks.

Posted by: Ted at 05:39 PM | category: Seriously
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1 I've been wondering where you've been. You know you guys are always in my thoughts, and I'll send a little extra good ju-ju your way post-haste. Let me know if there is anything I can do -- I can be there as soon as I-95 traffic will allow!

Posted by: dawn at July 02, 2005 06:42 PM (Dh1V0)

2 Welcome back,Ted!Sorry to hear about Liz's misfortune.I hope it turns out alright.I know that this is easier said than done but don't worry about it.If there's nothing you can do right this second then it doesn't help anyways.That comes from a world of experience.I too had my head invaded with lasers and cameras about a year and a half ago.Mine was sinus surgery.I had never had that much problems with my sinuses until it reared it's ugly head suddenly one spring day.It started out with two bouts with dizziness a couple of weeks after I had the flu.Each time I almost passed out.After the first attack the dizziness went away for a while.After the second one it didn't.I still have problems with it to this day.However,it was the invesitgation into the dizziness that led to the discovery of the sinus problems.They just kept swelling until they finally closed themselves off completly.I couldn't breath well or even hardly swallow.If I had not had my surgery when I did the concensus is that I would have eventually choked to death in my sleep because I also have sleep apnea on top of it all.
Well anyhow I still have problems with dizziness.For some reason the humidity this summer has helped it.Don't ask me why because I have not a clue.Plus,I now take Flonase and Advair for sinuses and Asthma.Remember how jumpy I used to be at the launches?It was the meds.They're steroid based and they make you fidgety and nervous as hell.Not nearly as bad as their oral counterparts that they gave me at first though.Those things are a real rollercoaster ride.zooooom!!!! then screeeeeech!!! ooooowwww!!!
Anyhow y'all enjoy your 4th and don't worry too much.

Posted by: Russ at July 02, 2005 07:02 PM (ObxzR)

3 >>>>Good Thoughts>>>>

Best wishes to Liz for a safe procedure, and a full and speedy recovery.

Posted by: JohnL at July 02, 2005 07:51 PM (gplif)

4 It's good that they found out what it is, a little nerve wracking that she has do have surgery. All my best thoughts to you all there, have a good holiday and I hope everything goes without a hitch.

*ohmmm.. good thoughts.... ohmmm*

lol

Posted by: Oorgo at July 02, 2005 09:00 PM (4R+lz)

5 The good news, of course, is that they think they have isolated the problem, and there's a good chance they can beat it into submission with a procedure with which they have experience.

Look at it that way and it becomes less scary.

Posted by: CGHill at July 02, 2005 11:50 PM (AUDQP)

6 Well, life is nothing if not an adventure. The trick is learning how not to be surprised.

Will Liz be joining us on the 12th?!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at July 03, 2005 02:36 AM (1aD6w)

7 Thinking all the good thoughts I can come up with. Have a great holiday, and my very best wishes to Liz.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at July 03, 2005 02:45 AM (+S1Ft)

8 I admit I was getting a little worried too. All of our best wishes for Liz, and please call us if there's anything we can do.

Posted by: nic at July 03, 2005 06:53 AM (IBRcA)

9 All of you are in my thoughts. All of my best.

Posted by: Tink at July 03, 2005 08:16 AM (3yWKZ)

10 I hope everything goes as well as possible for you both.

Posted by: Maelstrom at July 03, 2005 09:33 AM (319UO)

11 I'd like to add my warmest wishes also...and second Nic's suggestion to call us if there's anything we can do to help.

Posted by: Victor at July 03, 2005 04:42 PM (IBRcA)

12 Thinking of you & Liz + the rest of the family...

Posted by: Cindy at July 03, 2005 08:49 PM (aTTRh)

13 First, since it's now the 4th, Happy 4th.
Second, I'd like to add my own wishes to the bunch. I hope everything goes smoothly and as planned.

Posted by: Paul at July 04, 2005 05:29 AM (TsODD)

14 Hey, happy 4th, hope things with the wife improve!

On an unrelated note, I blew some shit up in your memory last night ted. I guess none of my rockets were as carefully crafted as yours, but the went pretty high before blowing up!

Posted by: shank at July 04, 2005 02:51 PM (jfEhX)

15 Thanks everyone for the kind words and good thoughts.

Shank, if the rocket held together long enough to do the job *boom*, then it was perfectly built. Mine are designed to fly over and over without the boom - my all-time veteran is approaching 50 flights, but I know of a couple high power rockets with 70-some and over 100 flights each - so we tend to use better materials and stronger construction methods, not necessarily better craftsmanship.

Posted by: Ted at July 04, 2005 04:27 PM (+OVgL)

16 Good Thoughts being furiously thunked here in Australia.

I've had a few interesting health problems of my own recently, still not explained. Glad that they'v found out what the problem is with Liz, even more glad it's amenable to treatment.

Time for some more Good Thoughts again. Hope they help.

Posted by: Alan E Brain at July 06, 2005 12:29 AM (tAq8A)

17 I hope everything goes well. An aside related to heads, medicine, and your story above about joking around with daughters ... a couple of years ago, my daughter needed her head x-rayed. I asked the technician if she found evidence of a brain.

Posted by: wheels at July 07, 2005 12:43 AM (pSq2X)

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