September 10, 2005
That's like asking a mermaid to be a lifeguard.
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08:31 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Actually, this is more like a warning to keep away from this incoherent mess of a film. I'll describe the movie a little bit, but please, don't think I'm trying to make it sound entertaining. Any implied enjoyment value is strictly accidental.
Wanna see the funniest bit in the film?
Ignore the words, those are just stupid. Check out the teeth. Get it? Southern California? The desire for perfect teeth, even for vampires. I thought it was funny, but believe it or not, that shot in the opening credits was the highlight of the movie.
Bad, bad, bad. You'll see much better acting at your local high school production. You'll only understand the storyline if you read the description on the box first. The cameraman has parkinsons. Twice, they inexplicably break into tap dancing numbers or folk guitar sing-alongs (or both, intercut in one sanity-rending sequence).
I forced myself to finish watching, hoping for another "smile" moment that never came. This flick sucked so bad that I didn't even realize until later that there wasn't a single bare boob displayed, despite the advertising.
I can't even bring myself to blame the distributer for lying about the nudity. I'd probably lie too if I was stuck trying to sell this...
Words fail me.
Posted by: Ted at
07:35 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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September 09, 2005
But the DD(X) is more than a mere upgrade, it's a massive leap forward in technology and capability. Incorporating stealth technology, it's designed for littoral as well as deep water combat.
DD(X) is designed to be the quietest surface ship in the fleet. The ship will be quieter even than the Los Angeles class submarines.
It's sneaky.
DD(X) will employ a first of its kind Peripheral Vertical Launch System (PVLS). Missiles are typically stored in clusters at the center of a ship. PVLS, by moving those clusters to the hull, will provide the ship with something reminiscent of the reactive armor fitted to the M1A2 Abrams main battle tank. The PVLS concept has already been successfully tested, and will make this ship significantly less vulnerable to sea-skimming missiles.
It's harder to hurt.
Each 155mm gun will fire a Long Range Land Attack Projectile (LRLAP). The LRLAP has already been successfully tested to 83 nautical miles. Though it only carries 24 lbs of high explosives, the Advanced Gun System (AGS) is fully automated and holds a magazine of 300 rounds. With a rate of fire of 10 rounds a minute, the AGS should be able to provide the volume fire capability the Navy so desperately needs, and with GPS-guidance the LRLAP will be extremely accurate.
It can hit targets at long range. But how accurate can it really be at those ranges?
Tests have shown the guns accurate to within two meters at a range of 68 nautical miles.
Make sure you let the gunner know which corner of that executive desk you want to hit.
But wait, the DD(X) only has two guns, and each gun only firing once every 6 seconds, that's not much of a heavy punch.
...each gun will be capable of putting up to eight rounds on a target simultaneously. To achieve this effect, shells will be fired in rapid succession at different trajectories.
Lob one, aim lower, lob one, aim lower, lob one, aim lower, and so on. And they all hit the target at the same time. Sixteen booms. Isn't that four batteries of artillery?
The gun magazines can also be reloaded at sea and while the gun is firing. Oh, and those shells cost 1/20th of what a cruise missile costs.
The crew is half the size of the current DDG class, which will also offer up significant savings over the life of each vessel. The first two are scheduled to be active by 2012. These look to be sweet additions to the fleet, plus, future improvements are already being accounted for.
The Navy hopes to fit these ships with an electromagnetic rail gun by 2020. The rail gun would be capable of firing a guided projectile up to 267 nautical miles, which would put all of North Korea into range from either coast of that peninsula (or, to take another theoretical example, allow the Navy to bombard Paris from the English Channel).
DD(X), coming soon to a shore near you.
Thanks to Robert the Llama Butcher for the pointer. He's got more links at his place too.
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12:11 PM | category: Military
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The subjegation of the entire Muslim world by Israel would, in a demographic sense, be like Massachusetts enslaving all of China.
There's not enough tinfoil in the world.
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11:59 AM | category: Links
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On Wednesday, I got a very unexpected birthday present from some co-workers who broke all records in accomplishing a regularly scheduled task. Once they finish, then I have several hours worth of work that I have to do with their results. Usually I have to do that on Thursday, but because they were so quick this time I was able to get it all done Wednesday afternoon and take my birthday off. They'll get a big thanks from me, and they didn't even know.
Rachael got me The Mummy: The Legacy Collection. Tres cool. Thanks sweetie!!!! You may remember that last year for my birthday she got me the rereleased Bakshi animation Wizards, and for Father's Day she bought me a hybrid rocket motor system, so I recommend that y'all get on her gift-giving list, because she's good at it.
I've been on a movie kick lately, so Liz took me out for a Mexican dinner (my favorite) and then turned me loose in Suncoast Video. I picked up Clash of the Titans, Blonde in Bondage (1950's Swedish exploitation flick), and a collection of four low-budget horror movies that had two things to recommend them; I haven't seen any of them, and they all contain nudity (look for upcoming reviews). Altogether I've probably bought two dozen B-movies in the last couple of weeks, so I'll have plenty to watch on those cold winter nights.
Thanks again folks, you made the day special.
Posted by: Ted at
05:47 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Later that night, American troops destroyed a bronze-lead statue of Great Britain's King George III that stood at the foot of Broadway on the Bowling Green [New York - RJ]. The statue was later molded into bullets for the American Army.
That's from an exhibit of the Declaration of Independence at the Library of Congress.
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05:26 AM | category: History
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September 08, 2005
Posted by: Ted at
01:47 PM | category: Square Pegs
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In other words, the majority of Californian's don't want it, and he, unlike the Legislature, remembers that he works for the people.
In related news, the Massachusetts state legislature ingnored repeated requests to put the matter of gay marriage up for a vote, and eventually the State Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage couldn't be denied. This made gay marriage supporters very happy. This made anti-gay marriage folks very unhappy.
So now the anti- foks are mobilizing and the state legislature is looking into putting it up for a vote. Guess what? The anti- folks far outnumber the pro-, so if it goes to the polls, it's likely that the law will change, making the court decision moot.
Democracy can be a bitch. But there are ways to make your dream happen.
This isn't one of them. Publishing a list of everyone who signs the petition against gay marriage? Cheap, stupid, and it will, in the end, have exactly the opposite effect that they hope for.
I've said this for a long time (Dawn probably remembers some debates I had in her comments way back), the only way for gays to win approval for marriage is by convincing voters that it's a good and decent thing to do. Using the courts to win the right accomplishes nothing permanent, and doing an end-around the voters by legislation isn't the answer either.
Convince enough average voters that Gay Marriage isn't doomsday and you'll get it. But all of the tantrums and name-calling and attempted intimidation isn't going to change a single mind, and you'll just be impressing some people who are already on your side. You'll also be turning off some people who are on your side.
People like me.
Posted by: Ted at
12:04 PM | category: Square Pegs
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10:06 AM | category: Square Pegs
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September 07, 2005
LeeAnn - yesterday (I'm sorry, I didn't look this stuff up until this morning)
Boudicca - 8th (all the *really* cool kids have birthdays on the 8th)
Me - 8th (thanks to Cindy for thinking of me!)
Blue - 9th (podcaster extraordinaire, he's got a blog now but I lost the link)
Jennifer - 14th (she's a student, buy her Ramen)
Pixy Misa - 19th 20th (must be that upside down calendar they use in Australia)
Victor - 27th 28th (that's what I get for trying to do two year old calendar math in my head)
Happy Happy, Everyone!
Posted by: Ted at
06:06 AM | category: Square Pegs
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September 06, 2005
Pre... whatchamacallit: When I jumped at the chance agreed to accept a reviewer's copy of this movie, I promised myself that I would give a fair and honest review. I do believe that I've kept that promise, and I hope that after reading it, you'll think so too.
I was thinking about what a pain it would be to have to keep typing "Dr. Horror's Erotic House of Idiots" throughout this review, but the acronym "DrHEHoI", is just as bad.
Everyone has had that moment while watching a movie or television show when you recognize an actor or actress but can't quite place where else you've seen them. It can drive you crazy, until at last your memory clicks, and then it's an almost physical feeling of relief. Likewise, it's often a pleasant surprise to see someone you recognize in an unexpected role. This movie is full of those wonderful and surprising moments.
Now I have to tell you that this isn't a horror movie... exactly. I mean, there are undead and werewolves that play prominent roles, but the focus isn't on horror, it's on satire and parody and spoof (spoofage? That might be a dirty word). In overall feel, I'd liken Dr. Horror (don't make me type the whole freakin' thing out people), to that paean to the surreal, Happiness of the Katakuris. Plotwise, the story is fresh, intricate and plausible in its own charming way.
Without giving away too much of the story, there are three people who come to visit a famous sex therapist. Unfortunately, the doc is away, and the caretaker scams them by passing off his buddy as the "substitute" doctor, Dr. Horror. And that's about as bare-bones a description as is possible about a movie that runs 2+ hours.
Yep, you read that right, but not to worry, because it keeps moving right along. There are several long vignettes, almost mini-movies, that are used to advance the story, and nothing is rushed or hurried. Like old-time roadshow movies, it even has an Overture, Intermission and whatever you call that music when the movie is done (Enditure?). In addition, there's one helluva entertaining documentary included on the disk called "That's Independent". All told, there's over 3 hours of viewable material.
Here are a couple of exerpts from the letter that Producer Paul Scrabo sent along with the movie:
"Dr Horror had one intention in its conception: whatever the "B-Movie rules" were, we would just do the opposite.
I wouldn't go so far as to say it's G-rated, but there's no nudity, no gore and no potty jokes. In fact, the humor and innuendo is often subtle and mature. I said "often", not always. This flick made me laugh out loud several times, and more than once I had to pause it so I could stop chuckling and then rewind to see what I'd missed.
In the low-budget world, horror is in good shape, so it did not make sense to make one. Rather, we decided to poke some fun at the world of "direct to video" fare. The "erotic" in the title is a joke on the many films that have "erotic" in the title in order to make them more "marketable".
Sex sells, even crappy B-movie sex. Dr. Horror, though, works the "erotic" into the story line, which is more than the typical indie flick. Pick up "Satanic Rites of the Erotic Cannibal Blood Sacrifice" (don't bother, I just made that up), and you can pretty much bet that "erotic" stands for gratuitous nudity. I'm all for boobs on screen, but face it, if you're spending the night at Camp Meathook, you should probably reconsider that urge to get naked. Especially since nude teenagers are the horror movie equivalent of Star Trek's guy in the red shirt.
"But mon ami," you may ask, "what about ze eye candy?!?!?"
Let me tell you, mi amigo (screw consistancy), this movie has plenty of nice looking ladies in outfits that make it fun to look. Which is as good a segue as any to start talking about the stars. The cast of "Dr Horror" is filled with familiar names, familiar faces and true legends from the world of B-movie cinema. One of the reasons this took so long to write was because every time I'd start researching the actors, I'd wind up off on a tangent following someone's career.
First up is Debbie Rochon. Now I'm partial to brunettes in the first place, but when my wife saw Ms. Rochon on the screen, her first words to me were "oh wow, you're in love, aren't you?" She knows me so well. Debbie Rochon is drop-dead gorgeous and the lady can act too, starting out on stage on and off Broadway before going into the scream queen biz, where she's won numerous awards. She displays a great sense of comedic timing, and her "dolphin book" scene will make you forget the diner in When Harry Met Sally.
Is she really a star? Well, she's been elected into the B-Movie Hall of Fame. I'd certainly roll out the red carpet for her.
Trent Haaga plays a complete jerk, yet still manages to make you care about his character. That's quite a tightrope to walk, but he balances everything with, again, a fine sense of comedy. This is the first time I've seen his work, and he shines.
The character of Ashley is played by Nathan Sears. This was his first role, and he is so convincing as the milqutoast nebbish that you just want to reach out and force him to strip to prove he actually has testicles shake some sense into him. That is, until he is compelled to become a hero, and then he becomes... well, maybe not John Wayne, but tougher than Wayne Newton for sure.
Dr. Horror is played by Michael R. Thomas. You might not recognize the name, but you've certainly seen his work, because he's been a Hollywood makeup artist for a long time. Among his credits are The Wiz, Neighbors, Ghostbusters (both of them), Wolfen, Fatal Attraction, and television. He also did a bit of work on... *drumroll please* softcore lesbian spoofs shot direct to video. Yay!
Mr. Thomas has done some acting too. I first saw him in front of the camera in Lord of the G-Strings (see above), but he played Smirnoff the wizard and hid behind a full beard. I recognized him from his part as the club owner in Bite Me! He's a funny guy, and if I had to describe him, it might be as a cross between Bela Lugosi and Michael Richards (Kramer from Seinfeld). His background in makeup is a bonus too. I wrote recently about enjoying the Frankenstein Legacy Collection. Well, imagine my delight when Michael Thomas appeared in one Dr. Horror vignette as Ygor! Originally played by Bela Lugosi in Son of Frankenstein, Mr. Thomas brilliantly recreated the character, right down to the accent and the scarred and broken neck. That scene right there is worth the price of the movie to me.
"His business card reads, "Conrad Brooks, Movie Star." The New York Times named him, "The Gielgud of Bad Movies," a title he embraces fondly."
-- I-Con 23 website
The last main character is the caretaker, played by Conrad Brooks. He's a likeable guy, but gives the weakest performance of the cast. On the other hand, he got his start in Ed Wood movies, and over the years has appeared in, directed, produced, and written some real stinkers - many of which I own and love. He made appearances in two of the worst films ever made: Plan 9 From Outer Space *and* The Beast From Yucca Flats. Folks, that's a pedigree right there, and I have no standing to criticize.
Even the supporting characters have solid B-movie credentials. An unexpected bit of wonderfulness was the appearance of John Zacherle, who had a top-10 song in 1958 titled "Dinner with Drac".
I will make mention that Dr. Horror was co-written by "my girl" (as Victor calls her), Brinke Stevens, who also makes a cameo.
"It also helps to have a lighting director for a wife (George Ann Muller), and she made all the sets herself!"
-- Paul Scrabo
(take note, Mookie)
All right, so all I've done so far is gush about how wonderful this movie is. Surely, there must be something less than perfect about Dr. Horror. Of course there is, because it's an independent movie. If you're looking for Hollywood, this isn't it. What this is, though, are cast and crew making movies because they love what they do and have fun doing it. I also want to make clear that independent doesn't mean amateur. Don't expect Gone with the Wind, and you'll have a grand time watching this.
Highly recommended. You can get your own copy at Scrabo.com.
For the record, I am not afraid of lesbians.
Posted by: Ted at
08:37 PM | category: Cult Flicks
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So now I'm open to suggestions. I welcome any ideas on when and if y'all would like to meet up again. I sent out invites for a poker night and got very little response. How about a picnic in October? Hockey game?
One interesting possibility is the fall BattlePark rocket launch in Culpeper, Virginia. It's scheduled for the first weekend of November (5th and 6th), and if anyone is interested Doug Pratt introduced me to an amazing rib joint in that area for food afterwards.
Posted by: Ted at
11:33 AM | category: Square Pegs
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06:02 AM | category: Square Pegs
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But there's a Captain who's gonna lose his ass.
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05:58 AM | category: Military
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September 05, 2005
...more women are discovering the allure of brainy men who admit they're more experienced at computer games than the game of love.
I'd like to let the ladies know that in school, I was the kid that the geeks beat up for lunch money so they could go to Radio Shack. I expect that I shall now be inundated in the lovelies, oh yeah.
Posted by: Ted at
03:43 PM | category: Links
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Have a wonderful holiday.
Posted by: Ted at
09:27 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Susie's family is safe! Yay!!!
Bitterman lived on the gulf coast for a while, and found an arial photo of what's left of his old neighborhood. Here's something I hadn't heard before:
Initially when the storm surge came in, he had thought all was well, but the wind packed it up so tightly, it began entering the storm sewer pipe outlets at beach level and flowing uphill to his neighborhood some 35 or so feet above the beach.
Yikes! Fortunately, everyone is safe.
Victor has a list of undeliverable postal zip codes. Check with your local post office, because the list will be shrinking as the relief continues.
Finally, everyone should be shocked at how quickly law and order broke down in New Orleans (I haven't heard about problems anywhere else... but the media has been hyper-focused on NO, so who knows), and I'm reminded that the primary and ultimate responsibility for you and your family's safety is you. Please go back and read the "For Ourselves, By Ourselves" series over at Random Nuclear Strikes. It's not a one-size-fits-all, but he discusses points that you might never think of. He also links to an excellent article titled "Disaster Guns". Personally, I've brought up the subject of household arms again, and specifically told the girls that they will be learning to use a handgun as a minimum. Even Mookie, who was the most opposed when I last brought it up, realizes now that there's some wisdom in that.
Posted by: Ted at
08:58 AM | category: Links
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September 04, 2005
Famous Virgos
Stephen King, Charlie Sheen, Mother Teresa, Sophia Loren, and Mickey Mouse
Mickey Mouse?
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07:39 AM | category: Square Pegs
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September 03, 2005
Printable blank sheet music. All kinds of options, all for free.
Kudos to Heather at Angelweave for pointing this one out.
Posted by: Ted at
09:04 AM | category: Links
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So why was I thinking of starting a movement against giving aid to the stricken areas?Because these are red states. They voted for Bush. These ninnies obviously wanted these policies, and they deserve to live with the consequences of their votes.
A large part of me still believes that many of these W-worshipping numbskulls deserve to suffer and to die. They brought it on themselves. Let them look to Jayzuss for aid: It's time they stopped leeching off the more productive blue staters.
(Californians stupidly give much more to the federal government than we receive from it; the money flows in a very different direction in the red states.)
So, at least, I started to write. But then (to paraphrase the old song) I thought I'd better think it out again.
Many of the victims, the ones who have suffered the most, are poor. The hardest hit were the blue state folk living among the red state maniacs. New Orleans, we should note, went heavily for Kerry.
And that's why we must help. Although it was very tempting to say otherwise.
I want to make this clear. Zoe Brain found this and linked to it, she didn't write it herself. If you want the link to where it was spotted, click on through up above.
Posted by: Ted at
08:33 AM | category: Links
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