This one was on Showtime Beyond late last night. I needed something like this movie, because I'd just watched the Caps/Thrashers hockey game, and it was the worst possible result - a tie. Why was that bad? Well, the Thrashers goalie, Numinem, is on my fantasy hockey team, so a win would've been welcomed. A win by the Caps would've been welcomed. Instead we got a tie. Blech. To be fair, it was a fun game to watch. Anyways, I tried to not let my disgust with the hockey game color my movie review.

This movie is horribly, tragically, pathetically bad. The acting is laughable, the characters are one-dimensional, and the plot is simplistic and childish.

In other words: so far, so great!

Victor and Nic will be interested in the presence of a lab rat who advances the plot in a big way. As Victor says, the presence of rat automatically makes this great cinema. To be truthful, the rats are actually someone in giant rat costumes, but it's at least as realistic as Alf was.

It also helps to have a 60' tall naked blonde with lines like "Help me, I'm huge." Yes dear, you certainly are. She's horny too, which reminds me of the Tubes lyric:

She left me there though I tried and tried
A fifty-foot woman's never satisfied.

Special effects suck were impressive. I especially liked the sledge hammer made from a rubber mallet spray painted silver. It would have been more realistic if they would've masked off the handle first. They also seemed to have a problem getting the actors to actually look in the right direction during some special effects scenes. A little more directorial care goes a long way.

Favorite line, spoken by one centerfold candidate (probably not an exact quote): "You know I'm a shallow person, I want you to be honest with me."

The climax is a lame-assed cat-fight between rival giant bikini-clad centerfolds (wow, three hyphenated words in one sentence, a personal best!). The good guy gets the good centerfold, and for some reason the bad centerfold and bad guy inexplicably and spontaneously combust. And yes, I feel really bad for not warning you about that spoiler.

This one doesn't try to take itself seriously, which is why it works as well as it does. If nothing else is on, this one's worth a look.

Posted by: Ted at 08:24 AM | category: Cult Flicks
Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 407 words, total size 3 kb.

Scandalous that this one was ignored.

Thanks to the Llama Butchers, via Farm Accident Digest, for pointing this one out.

Posted by: Ted at 07:58 AM | category: Cult Flicks
Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 26 words, total size 1 kb.

Movie Review - The Beast (198

Not the 50's horror feature of the same name, this movie is sometimes found under the title "The Beast of War".

The Beast of the title is a tank. A Soviet main battle tank involved in the invasion of Afghanistan, which becomes separated from the rest of its unit. The story involves the crew of the tank and their efforts to rejoin their comrades despite being surrounded by hostile mujadeen and forbidding country. It's a war story, but the focus is on the people involved on both sides, both Soviet tank crew and Afghan's fighting the invaders.

There are rumors that you can occasionally find this one in the $5.00 bargain bin at WalMart. I haven't seen it there, but I'm going to look more carefully from now on.

Another underappreciated movie, this one is thumbs up, comrades!

Posted by: Ted at 08:10 AM | category: Cult Flicks
Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 150 words, total size 1 kb.

Oooo boy, this group is a mixed bag. One thumbs-up crapfest, one so-so offering, and one real stinker.

Behind door number so-so, we have Snowbeast. This made-for-TV bigfoot thriller stars a whole heap of washed-up TV stars like Clint Walker, Bo Swenson, Yvette Mimieux and others you'll probably recognize. Amazingly enough, this bland thriller was written by the same guy who wrote the screenplay to Hitchcock's Psycho, proving that Bob Marley was right when he sang "a hungry man is an angry man". This guy must've been desperate for grocery money (I know that doesn't quite fit the point I'm trying to make, but I wanted to throw in a Marley quote to impress you).

The plot is full of holes, and the actual violence seen is minimal - it was for TV after all. Not very good, but not unwatchable either.

Much better, in a crapesque sort of way is Night Train to Terror - a trio of tales embedded in a senseless concept meant to tie the stories together. God and Satan are riding a train together, discussing souls. Also on the train, for no apparent reason, are quite a few teenagers, partying like only teenagers in 60's beach movies can. There's a catchy song they play at various times, and you'll likely wind up with an ear-worm from it. The stories here are actually not too bad. The special effects range from tacky to good, including some pretty cool stop-action claymation work. There are gruesome moments and blood and gore, and several gratuitious breast shots (and one bush sighting as well, for those who're keeping track).

The ending credits note that God is playing himself.

Remember the Lurch-like actor Richard Moll? Apparently he had a (so-called) career playing freaks in cheesy horror movies before he hit the big time, playing the freak bailiff on the television sitcom Night Court. I used to think his role in House was what his acting career had sunk to, but apparently it was a simple return to his roots. He plays a couple different roles in this one. Recommended.

Finally, we have The Severed Arm. This flick should be studied in every cinema course as how to completely screw up a great concept. Here's the story line: "Trapped in a cave, five men cut the arm off of another companion in order to ward off starvation. After they are saved, their victim seeks revenge on them one by one."

Isn't that cool? Unfortunately, everything else about the movie is absolute dreck. I should've known that suck was inevitable when, in the first two minutes of the movie, we have an extreme windblown comb-over moment. I mean, the actor gained eight inches in height as his hair stood straight up in the breeze. Believe me, it was all downhill from there. I suggest remembering this title for the express purpose of avoiding it.

Posted by: Ted at 01:15 AM | category: Cult Flicks
No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 497 words, total size 3 kb.

Everyone (yes, everyone, and if that doesn't include you it's because we're all keeping it a secret from you), asks where I find all this useless drivel obscure trivia to talk about. When I'm lovingly describing movies (that period between 'about' and 'When' just slipped out. The management apologizes and to compensate shall not put a period after this sentence)

Here's one place I go when looking for info about the lesser-known lights of the silver screen. Some of it's not work safe.

Posted by: Ted at 11:49 AM | category: Cult Flicks
No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 85 words, total size 1 kb.

This is a mock documentary, pure fiction told absolutely straight. If you'd like to see something not like every other Hollywood movie out there, check this one out.

J-Walk has details.

Posted by: Ted at 12:49 PM | category: Cult Flicks
No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 41 words, total size 1 kb.