"I'd stumbled into the middle of an evil, isidious cult of chainsaw-worshipping maniacs. I had to wonder if we'd let our religious freedom go too far in this country, or maybe our immigration laws were just too lax."

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (198

Posted by: Ted at 12:22 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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Some time ago, I listed a whole bunch of movies that I wanted to track down and see, based simply on their descriptions. One of them was Track of the Moon Beast, and here's the synopsis that was given in the catalog:

During a meteor storm, a fragment strikes Paul Carlson, burying itself deep in his skull. An unpleasant side-effect develops causing Paul to mutate into a giant reptilian monster at night and go on murderous rampages.

I've recently added Track of the Moon Beast to my collection. Just for a change, I'm going to live-review this flick as I watch it.

Opening scene: an astronomer gazes into the night sky and focuses in on a flaming fireball. Really bad special effect.

Quick cut to an indian dance and chant ceremony, then back to the cheesy fireball. We find out via a news report that it's a meteorite that's going to hit the moon.

Joe Stud (Paul Carlson) shows up, takes off his shirt and begins carefully excavating a small bone in the ground. Apparently he's an archeologist. Funny thing though, after delicately brushing away the dirt from around the bone, he carelessly drives the shovel into the ground not two feet away to get it out of his way.

Professor buddy shows up, named Johnny Longbow. Another indian reference. Two graduate students accompany him, and we learn that the thing they just threw on the ground was an ancient Indian burial mask that they'd borrowed from a museum.

Bimbo photographer also introduces herself. Short shorts. Big blond hair.

He's not an archeologist, nor an anthropologist, he's a minerologist. What's he messing with bones for?

News report: impact on moon was "beyond the end of the Richter scale". NASA keeps reassuring everyone that all the ejecta headed towards the Earth will burn up in the atmosphere. The grad students are raving over the "authentic indian meal" that the professor made. When they ask what's in it, he rattles off chicken, corn, green pepper, chilies, onions... Wow, that's some serious ethnic cooking.

Joe Stud takes the photographer up to the top of a mountain. They're falling for each other. She's changed clothes, kind of, still short shorts.

Pretty good meteor storm, right up until one zings into the ground right near them. The photographer dabs a cloth at Studs temple, where he's bleeding a little from the meteorite grazing him. He snags the cloth from her good naturedly and flings it to the ground. Way to go, eco-boy. He finds the meteorite that almost nailed them and waits for it to cool off (maybe 10 seconds) before putting it into his pocket.

The photographer was hired for looks, not for acting talent. Either that, or the casting director was related to the producer.

They wind up at his place, where they have some deep soul-searching conversation before he scares the shit out of her by introducing her to his pet Komodo Dragon.

Hippy music!!! Yay! A Tom Petty wannabe on accoustic guitar accompanied by a bass and a chick singing harmony. Hint to bass player, don't wear black if the spotlight isn't on you. Looking at this 70's crowd, I'm thinking it might be a zombie movie, but no, they're all just "grooving" on the music.

Costume change! Photographer wearing a dress-kinda thing, still short short, but proves that she's not completely flat-chested. She looks nice, if only she'd stop trying to act. More indian lore and references, they're really pushing that aspect. We get it already.

Twenty seven minutes into this flick before the first murder happens. Still no monster shot, no gore, just a puddle of blood and some screams.

Next morning, police chief calls in Professor Johnny, shows him a bloody handprint on the wall (super-sized) and then a footprint in the mud. It's a dinosaur footprint.

Pink short shorts and matching terry top.

Chief and Professor see an expert over at the university, and when the Chief expresses disbelief that anything that large can be living in New Mexico, both of the academics assure him that lizards that large do exist. It takes a minute to realize that they're both talking about Komodo Dragons in Indonesia! The footprint though, is from something "closely related to Tyrannosaurus Rex!" (cue scary music)

The professor makes all of his own archery equipment (Johnny Longbow, get it?), right down to chipping flint arrowheads. He keeps it in the back of his car, along with two ears of maize for impromptu demonstrations.

Forty minutes in, we get our first look at the monster as he kills four guys in a tent. The monster looks like a man in a lizard-suit, minus the tail. It's pretty pathetic, as is the gore and special-effects. Particularly pitiful is the arm being ripped off.

Photographer dress-up day! Maroon business outfit over pale-pink blouse. Still short shorts though.

Stud's Komodo Dragon escaped at some point, and he doesn't seem the least bit concerned. He sure get a lot of shirtless time in this movie. Oh, and he's got a chunk of meteorite embedded in his brain.

Professor Longbow is showing the police chief a series of 400 year old paintings that depict an ancient lizard demon attack. I'm no indian painting expert, but those were drawn by a third grader told to paint like an indian.

Fifty-one minutes. Scientific mumbo-jumbo alert! At least the professor says he doesn't really know, just before launching into a detailed nonsense explanation.

Joe Stud is tied down in the hospital so they can see if he turns into a lizard monster overnight. Theory confirmed. There's a fairly well done sequence of him turning into the monster, up to the last scene, which really doesn't follow from any of the prior physical changes. He's shook up when he realizes that he's killed six people.

VIP's. Gotta hate 'em. "May we get off the plane first, please? (we're very important)". "Of course, that's already been arranged."

Experts have been brought in, but Joe Stud is screwed. His solution is to run away from the hospital to commit suicide. Photographer (monotone): "Oh Paul, why couldn't there be time for us?" Dressed in a tight white top and tighter black slacks.

How convenient, someone leaves a motorcycle running (and helmet) in front of the hospital just as Joe Stud comes out to make his escape.

One hour, eight minutes. Piss-poor motorcycle spill. Obviously every expense was spared when it comes to stunt performers.

The photographer randomly pulls off the road and grabs a pair of binoculars. She spends 10 seconds scanning a mountain and zeroes in on Joe Stud among the rocks. At least she looks both ways before crossing the road.

Another nice scene of transformation into the monster, this time focusing on his hand. Two cops on the road hear the photographer screaming halfway up the mountain and start to fire into the darkness, as if they could see anything.

Professor Longbow pulls out his bow and a special arrow. He's made a special arrowhead out of meteorite. I'd be a lot more confident if he wasn't lashing it to the shaft while he explained what he wanted to do.

Photographer lies to everyone else (again) and drives off. She takes a random turn and slams on the brakes because the monster is right in front of her. Instantly, professor shows up, takes aim and puts the arrow into the monster's chest.

Pretty special effects, mostly ruined by everyone standing ten feet away while monster disintigrates in spectacular fashion. This thing was supposed to be atomically unstable, shouldn't you be getting the hell away from it?

No closing credits. Huh.

This wasn't the hippy-fest I was expecting. The hairstyles and clothing was seriously 70's, and except for that one goofy song, the soundtrack was conventional monster movie fare. Pretty bad, but not in a bad way. Don't go out of your way to see it, but if it comes on tv and every single thing you've ever wanted to do with your life has already been done, then I suppose...

Posted by: Ted at 09:49 PM | category: Cult Flicks
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Being under the weather for a week means I've had plenty of time to watch those crappy horror movies that I love so much. This one is long on the "crappy" part of the description and short on the "horror" part.

Slashed Dreams is notable more for its background story and the cast than for any resemblance to entertainment. This movie is bad. Bad bad. This movie is so bad that the horror derives from the concentrated badness of it. In spite of that, several of the cast members went on to long and successful careers in television and on the silver screen, which boggles the mind after appearing in this movie.

Somebody PLEASE kill that singer!!!
-- reviewer comment on IMDB.com

Made in 1975, this flick features (to tragically misrepresent it) folk music in the peace-puppies-and-sunshine style, sung by some unknown songstress. Her name doesn't appear on the credits, which leads me to believe that a lawsuit was involved. Either she sued to remain anonymous, or the producer sued her for her (major) part in this fiasco.

The storyline: Two college students, a guy and a girl, head into the mountains to visit a friend who's "looking for himself" by being one with nature. They meet two local nitwits who rape the girl and beat up the guy. They get over it and walk away hand-in-hand into the sunset.

That story should realistically take about ten minutes to tell, yet they stretch it to almost an hour and a half with endless (at least they seemed endless) montages of the two hiking through meadows, picking berries, admiring waterfalls, climbing rocks, etc. All accompanied by that treacly soundtrack.

The monotony - and that word is perfectly descriptive - is broken only when the two go skinny dipping and we catch the briefest glimpse of the lady naked. Even though you only see he from three-quarters behind, it's obvious that Kathrine Baumann has a spectacular body. It's a shame that we didn't see more of her, especially since this was her only nude scene ever.

The rape happens and the two are shocked to find that the world isn't the loving, peaceful la-la land that they thought it was. The next day their friend arrives back at the cabin and we get the second treat of the movie ("treat" being a relative term here since at this point the DVD player catching fire could be classified as a treat). Their friend is none other than Robert Englund, of Freddie Krueger fame. He turns in the best performance of the movie, which is a shame because he's only seen for about the last ten minutes. Not that he does anything except be sensitive to her needs and offer sympathy. There's no thought of revenge or retribution here, just more flower-power passivity.

After a few minutes of getting over it all, the other guy sees the two rapists and goes after them. In one of the lamest fights ever recorded, he manages to knock one into the mud and actually throws a few punches before Freddie (you know who I mean) and the girl show up and the bad guys run away. "They won't be back" is actually spoken. Yeah, getting one muddy is really going to deter them in the future. Sheesh. The ending is literally as described, the two hikers walking off hand-in-hand into the sunset. To that music.

Background story, you know, the interesting part. This film was originally released as Sunburst and was quickly and rightfully forgotten. Then, after the phenomenom of Nightmare on Elm Street, everything that Englund ever did was dusted off. This bomb was re-titled as Slashed Dreams (gee, I wonder why?), by crudely overlaying the original title in the credits and re-inflicted on an unsuspecting public as "horror". Ok, so not so interesting, but once again, it's relative to the rest of the film, which makes it downright fascinating.

Posted by: Ted at 04:14 PM | category: Cult Flicks
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Outside of Japan, Mothra is probably the best-known monster after Godzilla. Maybe it's the influence of my culture, but I don't think I'd ever think of twisting reality to the point of creating giant turtles and moths as monsters.

Thank God for the Japanese, eh?

As monsters go, Mothra is pretty much another good guy. No one knows how Mothra originated, but it is known that it was the guardian for an ancient subterranean race on Earth called the Cosmos. Another race created a monster to fight Mothra and although Mothra defeated the other monster, the Cosmos race was mostly destroyed in the battle.

The first Mothra movie starts out when researchers discover that several shipwreck survivors suffer no radiation poisoning after landing on an island used for atomic testing. A team is sent to find out why, and they discover that the island is not only inhabited, but the natives are healthy despite the recent tests. They also find two miniature fairies who are protected by the villiagers. The researchers attempt to take the fairies with them back to Japan, but the natives arrive and thwart their plans.

A few weeks later, the head of the research team arrives back on the island, this time leading henchmen instead of scientists. His crew machine gun the natives, he captures the fairies, and they make their escape.

Back in Japan, the fairies become a nightclub singing sensation, but people don't realize that the enchanting songs that they sing are actually pleas for Mothra to awaken and rescue them. The Mothra egg hatches on the island and the giant larvae comes to (surprise, surprise) stomp Tokyo.

But this is Mothra! First, after some preliminary destruction, the larvae creates a cocoon on a giant downtown tower, and finally reemerges as the fully grown Mothra. While it's been metamorphosing though, the bad guys have taken the fairies across the ocean to New York (cleverly disguised as "New Kirk City"). Mothra flies across the Atlantic and for a change of pace stomps New York Kirk City for a while.

Finally, through some clever misdirection, Mothra is lured to a spot where she is reunited with the fairies, and they return to their island home.

Suggestion: Search US cities for Al Gore eggs, before they hatch into larvae.

Now, that sounds weird. Believe me though, Mothra movies just got more and more strange through the years, eventually resembling some kind of enviro-whacked acid trip. At least thirteen Mothra movies have been made, and the last few have been out and out children's fantasies focused on righting environmental dangers to Earth.

Something else unique about Mothra is that the monster is a God. Not possessing god-like powers or being a gift-from-God for the Cosmos or such - Mothra is literally a God. For all that, God dies a lot. Mothra spends much of it's time in egg or larvae form, and when the "adult", insect version gets killed, the new egg hatches and Mothra returns to save the day.

Among Mothra's powers are the aforementioned telepathic link to the Cosmos Fairies and the ability to fly at supersonic speeds. In various movies you'll find Mothra can project a poisonous yellow dust, shoot rays from her antennae or lightning from her wings. She can also block Godzilla's radioactive breath ray.

Trivia:
In the first Mothra movies, the fairies are played by The Peanuts, who were a popular singing duo in Japan and Germany at the time. After the success of the movie, they released an album in the US in English.

Mothra was by far the most popular monster among women in Japan, which convinced studios to feature her more often.

Mothra is usually, but not always, female.

One of the stars in the original Mothra was US actor Jerry Ito. We all know about the Japanese and problems with the letter "r". He was billed as "Jelly" Ito in the film credits and most all publicity materials.

I'd like to thank Monster Island News for Mothra information and pictures. That's a great link to follow for all kinds of interesting B-movie knowlege. Wikipedia also has a nice page about Mothra.

Ooooo looky! You can purchase a plush of Mothra here! Isn't the internet wonderful?

Posted by: Ted at 08:43 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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I Bury the Living(195

This black and white movie, despite the lurid title, sets up a nice little psychological study and does more with less than many other bigger-budget pictures. A prominent local businessman (reluctantly) takes over management of the local cemetary. While he's getting a tour of the place from the long-time caretaker, he sees this enormous map of the graveyard, filled with color coded pins. Black for occupied graves and white pins for plots that are already sold, for when the time comes.

Here is where an odd note strikes me as a plot point that just doesn't ring true. Apparently, everyone in town goes to this cemetary for any reason at all. It's like reunion week as folks drop in and reminisce about how the old manager's office sure hasn't changed over the years.

Back to the story. The manager, Kraft, accidentally puts black pins into a couple's newly-purchased plots, and shortly afterwards the couple dies in an automobile accident. When he discovers the incorrect pins, he feels somehow responsible for their deaths. Fully understanding that it was purely coincidental, he nevertheless randomly selects a plot and replaces the white pin with a black pin, just to prove to himself that he's being foolish.

Guess who drops dead? From here on, the focus of the story is on the manager and his attempts to understand what is happening. He calls in the police and his good friend (played by Herbert Anderson, who you might remember as Henry Mitchell from Dennis the Menace), and tries to convince his business partners that he caused those deaths. Every step of the way, the others involved refuse to believe him, and they ask him to exchange more white pins for black, to prove to him that he's not the cause of these untimely deaths. His mental condition deteriorates quickly until he realizes that if he can place a black pin to kill someone, then he can place a white pin to bring someone back to life (a Poe-etic ending, if I do say so).

Done groaning?

The plot is full of misdirection and twists, so don't think that I've given away any spoilers.

Richard Boone (Paladin from Have Gun, Will Travel) plays Kraft and does a fine job. Theodore Bikel (200 Motels) and his outrageous Scottish accent co-star. He's enjoyed a long and active career, appearing on television to this very day. But the real scene stealer of the movie is the map. As the movie goes on and Kraft descends farther into despair, the map seems to grow in size and power relative to him. The map itself is not malevolent, it's just the channel being used to focus Kraft's power. Because of the low budget, instead of special effects we're treated to several creative camera tricks (ok, and a few not-so-creative ones too). The above average direction and cinematography really help this movie to shine.

I see that I Bury the Living has been shown on Turner Classic Movies. If you get a chance to see it, it's worth the time and trouble. Recommended.

Posted by: Ted at 10:41 PM | category: Cult Flicks
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While I was recuperating the ol' back (a while back), I had the opportunity to watch a few movies, back to back (ok, I'll stop). There were some very forgettable ones, but I found a gem in the stacks.

The Bat (1959) is a tight little thriller starring Vincent Price and Agnes Moorehead. The plot is quite intricate, and the cast is very much up to the challenge.

Agnes Moorehead plays an author who writes murder whodunnits, and she's rented a mansion for the summer. The mansion is owned by the local banker, who's away on an extended hunting trip with his doctor (Vincent Price). Price gives a wonderfully understated performance, unlike some of his later scenery-chewing roles where his inner-ham shines brightly.

In the story, the banker has embezzled a million dollars from his bank and figures that his head cashier will be blamed. Before you know it, the banker winds up dead and the scramble begins as several people have figured out what must be one of the worst-kept secrets in movie history, namely, where the money is hidden.

Mix in a mysterious serial killer nicknamed "The Bat" who's terrorizing the town, an outbreak of actual rabid bats, murder on the side, greed, embezzlement, and a missing million dollars, and you have a whole lot of possibilities to consider. The movie manages to juggle all the details in such a way to keep you guessing and not confuse the basic story.

Agnes Moorehead's character is refined and well-to-do, but she's no pushover. In fact, all of the women in the movie are strong.

Doctor: Do you know how to use that gun?

Agnes Moorehead: My books are full of guns, and I only write about what I know.

You may remember Darla Hood of Little Rascals fame. She appears here, all grown up in what turned out to be her final movie role.

I'm not sure why, but the servants always seem to get all the best comic lines. In this case it's the maid, and she's a hoot.

Something else that I saw that amused me no end is that the men all wear suits, which is normal for movies in the 40's and 50's. The funny part is that even The Bat is wearing a suit while he prowls around looking to murder again.

This one is worth looking for, especially if you're a Vincent Price fan. Recommended.

Update: Victor points out that this is a remake of the original 1926 silent version! Cool. Now I'll have to look for it.

Posted by: Ted at 08:10 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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I first reviewed the podcast Second Shift here. For those not inclined to click that link, Second Shift is an audio play done in the old-radio serial episode format. They've now completed their first season and during my vacation I downloaded all of the episodes (they're free) and listened to the entire story again before finishing up with the two-part grand finale. Let me tell you, it's a crackerjack ending.

Highly recommended. I can't wait for their next season.

Posted by: Ted at 06:11 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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I picked up Decoys from the $5.50 discount bin at WalMart, and it turned out to be a likable little horror movie from Canada. That word - "likable" - is the first thing that came to mind after watching it, and it's as good a word as any to describe it.

First things first: the title sucks. "Decoys" bears no resemblance to anything that happens in the movie. I have no idea what it's supposed to mean.

As for plot, it's cliched from beginning to end, with a "surprise" twist you can see coming from a mile away. Despite that, it's fun and sometimes funny and it doesn't hurt that the bad guys are three great looking blondes.

But you know things can't be as they seem (or there wouldn't be a movie). The story takes place in the winter at a small college in New Brunswick, Canada. A freshman is doing his laundry when he meets two sexy blonde coeds who claim to be cousins. They outrageously flirt and tease him, and thanks to the magic of plot twists the creep later finds himself alone in their dorm room. He takes time for a personal perv moment with some of their laundry, and then has to quickly hide in the closet when the girls return.

At this point, we're all treated to the only bare breasts of the movie, just before one of the girls sprouts her tentacles, letting us all know (including peep boy in the closet) that these girls are really aliens in disguise.

Of course, none of his friends believe him. His roomie has the serious hots for one of the blondes, and this causes a strain in their friendship, especially when roomie announces plans to lose his cherry to her.

Things go from bad to worse when guys start to show up dead. Our hero tries to convince people that he knows it's alien babes doing the murders, but circumstances make everyone think he's jealous and being a dick about it. Probably because for much of the movie, he *is* a dick (well, aside from the whole unbelievable "alien tentacles babe" bit).

In the end, hero wins over the aliens, saving Earth and all that crap. More or less. No spoilers for you.

As I mentioned before, the alien women are gorgeous, as is practically every other female in the movie. It almost makes me willing to move to Canada and brave the great white north again. It was nice to watch a movie like this and not see gratuitous boobage every other scene, because it was sexier watching the girls do their thing half dressed. The hero is well built, so there's plenty for the ladies to drool over too.

The acting was mostly ok, although oddly uneven. Some major characters were one dimensional cartoons, while others had real depth and complexity. The differences could be jarring, especially in scenes where the two types appeared together.

There are story holes big enough to drive a zamboni through. Important plot points are introduced and almost instantly forgotten. Logic goes right out the window at times, and while you're at it, close the damn window! It's Canada and winter and cold!

The special effects are nicely done and very understated. There isn't a whole lot of blood and gore, so slasher fans will be disappointed. The real scares come via short shock scenes, which some folks might think are cheap tricks. They'd be right, but you're still gonna jump.

I'll admit to something a little stupid here. One scene opened showing a frozen body on a morgue table. The camera was still, the room was empty and quiet, and all you could see was the body. I sat there for a few seconds, waiting for the scare. And waited. And waited. I began to marvel at how the director could ramp up the anxiety in a scene by doing absolutely nothing. I *knew* something was going to happen, and it finally did. I noticed the "pause" icon on the screen and restarted the movie.

Sometimes I scare myself.

The tone of the film keeps changing, as if they couldn't figure out whether the movie was supposed to be serious horror or a T&A teen flick. It's more of that uneveness that interrupts the flow of the story. Towards the end, there is a really nice scene between the roomie and one of the alien babes. By "nice" I mean thought provoking and even touching, it's some of that darned character development creeping in. Unfortunately, the very next scene cuts to Rambo-Boy and his flamethrower (figuratively, at that point), and all trace of that potential storyline is scorched.

Mostly though, I keep coming back to "likable". Despite the many flaws, I enjoyed the movie. And that's what it's really all about, eh?

Posted by: Ted at 05:35 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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Destroy All Planets will make you go “Man! And I’m not even stoned!” which is always the hallmark of an enjoyable bad movie night.
- Sci Fi Movie Page

Everyone knows who Godzilla is, but outside of Japan and a small but devoted group of fans, not many people know who the various monsters are that populate the Japanese Monster Movie universe.

Destroy All Planets will make you go “Man! And I’m not even stoned!” which is always the hallmark of an enjoyable bad movie night.
- Sci Fi Movie Page

I can't think of a better starting point than Gamera. Friend to man, protector of the planet, he's been called Guardian of the Universe (amongst other things, keep reading).

He's easy to identify (besides being giant, I mean). Gamera is an overachieving turtle with a spiky carapace and two enormous upward pointing tusks. To get around he can draw in his arms and legs and shoot jet flames from the openings, making him spin around like a top as he flies. Physically, he mostly relies on brute force to defeat other monsters, preferring to fly around and bludgeon them. He's crafty and will use wits and guile to win his battles. Being a monster though, he's not above biting and clawing or using his dagger-like elbow spikes to punch holes in the hide of his enemies (great big, deep holes that gush oddly-colored watery blood). Gamera can also shoot fire out of his mouth, but doesn't use that weapon very often.

Young children who are central to the story are almost universal in Japanese monster movies. Fans have collectively dubbed these characters "Kenny".

One disturbing thing about Gamera is his... er, fondness for young boys. Every movie must have one or two youngsters (preferably chubby) who become the human focus of the story. Kidnap the kids and you might control Gamera for a while, but for certain you will piss him off. This trait of Gamera led one reviewer to describe him as "the Michael Jackson of Japanese movie monsters".

Gamera has appeared in at least eleven movies, doing his share of stomping Tokyo, but mostly he's the good guy. These are typical Japanese monster movies, full of crappy dubbing, goofy stories full of illogical plot twists, and cheesy special effects. If you enjoy the genre, you'll love these.

File this under "Big Surprise": In one movie the UN unilaterally surrenders the entire planet to the aliens to save the lives of two hostage boy scouts.

The Shrine of Gamera is a pretty good place to find out about all things Gamera.

Posted by: Ted at 10:58 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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My introduction to the Trinity movies was in North Dakota, at an old-fashioned drive-in movie. My best friend and I bought a pony keg and set up for an all-nighter in the last row. I remember stretching out on the hood of his car, leaned back against the windshield, and watching these amazingly funny spaghetti westerns back to back to back to back. I have no idea how many movies played that night, but damn, it was good times. A while back I found a trio of Trinity movies together in a boxed set and snapped it up.

I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at our Ma. She shoulda strangled you, or at least drowned ya when you were born.

The Trinity series revolves around the adventures of two brothers. The younger is Trinity, and he has a knack for getting into trouble. His older brother is Bambino (*snicker*), who is a huge grouchy bear of a man. Neither are particularly honest, and when problems arise (as they always do) each is able to deal with it using their wits, fists, and speed with a gun. These movies aren't westerns with funny parts, these are comedies that are set in the old west.

In They Call Me Trinity, Trinity rides into a town, only to discover that his brother Bambino is the sheriff. We quickly learn that the two brothers don't much care for each other, and then find out that Bambino isn't the real sheriff. He'd ambushed the real sheriff, stole his badge and left him for dead. Now he's biding his time, waiting for his gang to show up after getting out of jail and planning a big job to steal horses.

Bambino is a pretty good sheriff too, despite his grumpiness. His standard greeting to the townspeople's cheery "Howdy, sheriff!" is "Shut up." He keeps the town reasonably calm and safe without unduly cramping the style of most of the less law-abiding residents.

Without giving away too much, I'll mention that the real sheriff plays a prominent role later on, as do a bunch of Mormon farmers, the crooked Mayor of the town, and some Mexican banditos. Oh, and Mormon daughters. Very lovely Mormon daughters.

Each brother has his own reasons for getting involved, and it's not from the goodness of their hearts. The ending becomes a giant slapstick fistfight involving practically everyone in the movie, a highlight being the beating bestowed upon the bandito leader Mezcal by Bambino. Who suspected that Mormons could fight like that?

They Call Me Trinity gets a hearty "shut up" from Rocket Jones, and the first sequel, Trinity Is Still My Name, is almost as good. There are more in the series of varying quality. I also highly recommend the similarly titled My Name Is Nobody, starring Terence Hill and Henry Fonda. Classic western comedy.

About the actors:
The two main characters, Trinity and Bambino, are played by a pair of Italian actors who took the English names Terence Hill and Bud Spencer. Individually successful, their careers really took off when they teamed up. These two co-starred in 19 movies in all, mostly action-adventure flicks.

Besides acting, Terence Hill has been a writer, director and producer for movies both in Europe and America. His mother was German, and during WWII his family lived in Dresden, where they survived the WWII bombings. Currently, he and his long-time wife live in New England.

Bud Spencer (Bambino) has worked as writer, director, producer, plus he has composed movie scores for television, films and children's features. He was educated as a lawyer, is a licensed jet and helicopter pilot, and represented Italy as a swimmer in the 1952, 1956 and 1960 Olympics.

Posted by: Ted at 12:15 PM | category: Cult Flicks
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According to his daughter, the late director Alfred Hitchcock's favorite movie was "Smokey and the Bandit".

Posted by: Ted at 05:29 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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In 1958, the movie Hercules was released in Italy, starring American body builder Steve Reeves. This started a phenomenom of similar movies over the next five or six years, when dozens of gladiator, biblical and mythological movies were made. The wave continued until the advent of the spaghetti western.

These films are collectively referred to as "sword-and-sandal" or even as spaghetti-sword-and sandal. From Wikipedia:

Another name for the genre is peplum, from a Latin word for a sort of tunic that was easy to make and favoured by the costume departments for these films.

Hercules was only one popular figure in these movies. Ulysses, Jason (of argonaut fame), Samson, Goliath, and the ubiquitous Maciste were also common heroes. A lot of these movies were eventually (poorly) dubbed into english and released on American television, becoming a staple of weekend afternoon movie features.

I've had the chance to watch several Hercules movies over the last couple of weeks, and I thought that rather than doing straight movie reviews, I'd look at them through a comparison of the various actors playing Hercules.

One thing I did notice was that the best part about being Hercules is that evil queens automatically get the hots for you.

Steve Reeves was the first and best Hercules. I did a biography on him here.

The Reeves movie I watched for this review was Hercules Unchained, and it was a lot of fun (as these all are). Two brothers are vying for the throne of Thebes, and Hercules is enlisted to set up a peaceful transfer of power. One brother is insane, the other is a perpetual whiner, and in the middle of these touchy negotiations Hercules is taken prisoner by the evil Queen Oomphale, who uses magical "waters of forgetfulness" to keep him under her control.

In the end, Hercules escapes with the help of his friend Ulysses, the brothers end up killing each other in a duel, and Hercules kills the other bad guy and rescues his bride (played by the stunning Sylva Koscina).

Let's see... pretty servant girls (eye candy for the guys): check.
Plenty of Steve Reeves beefcake for the ladies: check.
Hercules fights beast (tiger in this case): check.

The fights and battles are only fair, quality-wise, which is about as good as it gets in this genre. One nifty scene happens early on, when Hercules and party are stopped by Antaeus, the giant (played by former world boxing champion Primo Carnera). Antaeus is bested by Hercules twice, but both times comes back to conciousness laughing. They finally figure out that Antaeus is the son of an earth god and draws strength from laying on the ground. Hercules' solution is to pick him up and heave him off a cliff into a lake. Problem solved.

Worth watching, even if it's just to see Reeves do his thing.

Peter Lupus - best known to US audiences as Willy Armitage from the television series Mission Impossible, Lupus did several peplums under the pseudonym "Rock Stevens". I watched him as Hercules in Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon (1964). The man has an impressive physique!

In this movie, Babylon is ruled jointly by two brothers and a sister. Of course, the sister is beautiful, one brother is scholarly, and the other is a warrior. They all plot and intrigue against each other as they attempt to gain sole control over their empire. Their troops make frequent raids on surrounding kingdoms to collect slaves to do physical labor, and in one raid manage to unknowingly capture a queen.

Hercules keeps thwarting the slave raids in his country, although the stories about a single man defeating many warriors aren't believed. With his mighty silly club, he rights wrongs and all that happy crap. At some point, Hercules allies with the Assyrian king (who knows about the captured queen and wants to marry her for control of her kingdom) and the fun moves to the city of Babylon itself. The sovereigns each double-cross and backstab (figuratively) each other without a second thought, and when they get busted everyone does the ol' "no harm, no foul" act and moves on as before. Hercules is played as a pawn the entire time, but you know an honest and virtuous man always comes out on top.

If you've ever seen a Hercules movie before, you know that there's always some scene where he performs a physical feat that would normally take dozens of normal men. In this case, the royal sister has secretly rigged up the city of Babylon with a giant underground wheel. To the central shaft of this wheel are attached huge chains, and the other ends of these chains are attached to various walls of important structures in the city. When the time comes, one hundred slaves will turn the wheel, which in turn will cause the collapse of the city itself. She'll then rule alone from the city of Nineveh. Guess who does the wheel all by his lonesome? Yep, and he doesn't wait for the signal, which throws a monkey wrench into everyone's plans. I liked the wheel.

The fight scenes are often wretched, which is to be expected. What really grates though is Hercules' club. He wields this giagantic telephone pole of a club as if it's made of balsa (which it very well might be), and is just generally silly-looking doing it. I was trying to figure out how to describe the odd noise that the club makes when it hits something and a reviewer at IMDB nailed it. It sounds like a whiffle-bat!!! There was no attempt to disguise it either.

Peter... er, Rock is no Steve Reeves. There's no charisma, and instead of the hearty "what the hell" laugh from Reeves we get this goofy Gomer Pyle grin throughout. Reeves looks like Hercules. Lupus looks like Forrest Gump's stronger brother.

Funniest moment not involving a club: At the end of the movie, Hercules and the rescued queen and entourage are walking across the barren desert towards their home country. As they crest a rise, Hercules sweeps his arm across the vista and announces, "My Queen, you are home". The scene cuts back to the scenery, and it's just more endless miles of scrub brush and dirt. Hilarious!

Funniest moment not involving a club before the ending scene: According to the credits, the name is spelled "Christophisis", but everyone pronounces it "Chris Syphilis". I had to rewind the movie twice to make sure I was hearing that right the first time.

Overall though, this is an ok movie for the genre. Worth a watch.

Alan Steel (real name: Sergio Ciani) - Hercules Against the Moonmen.

Here we've got another evil queen. This time, she's allied herself with moonmen who arrived in a meteor and live under the mountain. Every three months, she supplies children as sacrifices to the moonmen in an attempt to reawaken a moon goddess. Or something like that.

Hercules gets involved when asked by an old family friend, and has to figure out how to stop the sacrifices, overthrow the queen, and defeat the moonmen. He's not working alone, but his allies tend to die or get seriously injured at the worst times.

There's plenty of intrigue, double-crosses, traps and nick-of-time rescues. In addition, *this* Hercules knows how to fight! He's ambushed on the road into the city, and we get to see the old Hercules standby: throwing something big and heavy at the bad guys to knock several down at once. This time, he uproots a good sized tree and uses that. No whiffle-bat here, as he takes the time to snap off a big tree limb to use as a club after tossing the rest of the tree.

This Hercules is probably my favorite after Steve Reeves. Everything about him is "not quite". He's not quite as handsome, not quite as charismatic, and his physique is not quite as perfect. All in all though, he's excellent in every way, right down to his joyous "come and get me" laughter during a fight.

The chief of the moon men walks around in a robe and full face stylized skull mask, but the moon men themselves are made of rock. This would've worked a lot better if every last one of them wasn't identical. Maybe that was the idea, because they were stone robots from the moon. Or something like that.

A Hercules movie must have a fight with a beast, and rather than the standard tiger or lion we get some kind of odd moon monster hiding in the dungeons. Really, it was a gorilla suit with spock ears and sabre-tooth cat fangs (sticking up!) attached. Pointless but required standard fare.

Favorite out-of-context quote: "For the cause of liberty and justice I'm ready to do anything!" -- Agar, daughter of Claudis, upon first meeting Hercules.

Beavis and Butthead moment: "When the planet Saturn comes into conjunction with Mars, and under the evil influence of Uranus, then will occur unimaginable disasters..." - Moon Man to Queen Samara.

I wasn't expecting much from this flick, considering the title. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised by how much fun it was!

The last of the foursome I watched was Hercules and the Captive Women, starring Reg Park as the hero. I think that by now a little genre-fatigue had set in, because this one was a real chore to sit through.

Reg Park has everything needed to be Hercules: massively impressive physique, deep booming voice, thick black beard and short curly hair, narcolepsy... Hmmm, maybe he's overqualified.

This is the sleepiest Hercules I've ever seen. His answer to everything except a direct attack seems to be "nap time!". I do wonder if maybe he hadn't seen advance rushes of the film, and the director desperatly worked scenes of Park falling asleep from boredom into the story.

As for the story, it's got the mandatory beautiful evil queen, this time from Atlantis. There's more to the story, but boiled down it's Hercules saves the day from a power-grab from another greedy monarch. Again. The plot is done to death, but this time it's done badly enough that it just might have stayed dead and buried. Even the frequent shouting of "Uranus" couldn't save this silly mess.

So there you have it. By the hand of Zeus, I heartily recommend Hercules Unchained and Hercules and the Moonmen. Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon (which I saw in the dollar-DVD stacks in WalMart) is an ok flick (certainly worth the buck), and Hercules and the Captive Women will make you as sleepy as that version of Hercules.

Posted by: Ted at 07:11 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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Sorry for the mixed-up title. You see, my birthday is coming up, and this year my wife gifted me with several of those crappy horror movies that I love so much.

I've already reviewed Happiness of the Katakuris, and I'm proud to say that I now own my very own copy.

But one I'm *really* looking forward to seeing again is The Horror of Party Beach, featuring radioactive monsters, bikini-clad girls, bikers, scientists, and the memorable music of the Del-Aires!

I tell ya, I'm hyped over this batch o' flicks.

I also have a couple of new reviews in the works, so if you like your movies a little cheesy or a little off the beaten path (as I do, so help me God), then stay tuned.

Posted by: Ted at 10:45 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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Last winter I picked up a discount four-movie collection called Too Hot For Hell. I'll admit right up front (no pun intended) that one of the reasons I bought it was because all four movies included nudity, and once in a while I just want to see some boobs. Moving beyond that obvious character flaw, let's look at these movies individually.

Crystal Force II. This flick is damn near unwatchable, and after reading a review of the original, I'm gobsmacked at how anyone could think that a sequel was a good idea.

Jake is a nice guy and tends bar at a nondescript place owned by someone that the producer knew (I'm guessing about that last part). He desperately wants Allison the barmaid, and a mysterious stranger arrives on the scene to help Jake's dream come true. For a price, of course.

For a low-budget horror film, the simulated sex is pretty darned explicit, not that it saves this mess.

Demonsoul is the second movie in the set. It's a step up from Crystal Meth Force, but it's a very tiny step taken by a drunken baby.

The boobs are better, the sex is less explicit. That about sums it up. Sad, isn't it? This is another complete waste of time.

Bloodbath. Dammit, I think I detected actual plot!

Someone is murdering aspiring actresses, and a pair of hip young detectives are on the trail of the killer. Set in the seedy underworld (I always wanted to say that) of Hollywood's independent movie studios, the story turns kinky and it slowly comes out that a coven of vampires and a centuries-old power struggle lie at the heart of the mystery.

The acting is (marginally) better than your average high-school production, but the police work isn't. In fact, it's the "detective" parts of this movie that really detract from the whole. And that's saying something, because mostly this movie is bad, bad, bad.

Production values are better than high school as well, barely. The "blood" is heavily watered down tomato juice (cheaper than using it straight I suppose) and the sound quality is full of echos. The swordplay and martial arts are pathetic. Overall the story is good, but as to details the plot is inconsistant to the point of nonsensical.

There are really only three sets. An apartment, the alleyway outside the studio and inside the studio. The studio appears to be a community center or some such in real life, and the major set dressing consists of drapes covering shit you're not supposed to see.

This is pretty bad, but it's pretty bad in the way that I love. Plenty of bondage and implied S&M too, which is always nice to see.

Funniest gaffe: An actress is buzzed into the studio building for an audition. While wandering the hallways, looking for anyone in the apparently abandoned building, she randomly opens doors and in one you can see several people in a mirror on the far wall. Obviously they weren't supposed to be there, and the character ignores them as if the room were empty.

Evil Sister.This movie is everything a crappy horror movie should be. The acting isn’t terrible (among the main characters at least), the story is coherent and involves more than your average slasher flick. Add in better than average cinematic competence from the makers and a few good looking women who get naked often and “that’s entertainment.”

My biggest gripe about slashers is that the plot too often consists of “group of teenagers gather in one place and get killed.” I’m sorry, but six cool methods of murder in a row do not make a storyline.

A woman spends fifteen years in a mental hospital, and when she’s “cured” she moves in with her sister and husband. She’s turned into a promiscuous nympho, which the husband attributes to being locked up in the loony bin all those years. Actually, being possessed by a succubus has the same effect. Who knew?

As the story advances, the sister canÂ’t convince her husband that the former Miss Padded Cell is evil, mostly because he refuses to believe that the odd things going on are anything more than coincidence. In the end, the evil sister wins.

Included in the mix are satanic black mass rituals, a weird midget fortune teller, several slit throats and plenty of gratuitous boobage and simulated sex. Not a boob job to be seen either, the woman all sport unenhanced bosoms.

Mostly, the characters act like you would expect them to in a given situation, and the suspense builds nicely as the movie goes along.

Everything isn’t hunky dory in consistancy-land though. The evil one slips her sister the date-rape drug at work and has a friend rape her in her office, where she gets busted by the boss. The sister knows what happened, and when she tries to explain to the husband the conversation gets out of hand and he walks out on her. The very next morning though, everything is fine again between the sisters (“screw the husband, that loser”) and they spend the day together as if nothing happened.

Funniest prop: While sunbathing, they’re downing “beers” which are actually bottles of IBC Cream Soda.

The credits, both start and end, go on way too long, showing various scenes from the movie. To their credit, there arenÂ’t any real spoilers given away, and it serves mostly as an excuse to string together the nudity and (poorly done) gore. After the movie ends thereÂ’s an extra few minutes of bonus trailer that I think was added just to pad the minutes listed on the box.

For a low-budget flick, this one is pretty good.

To sum up, this collection is pretty bad. The first two movies are bad in a bad way, but the other two are bad in the delightfully cheesy way that I love. There are some pretty good boobs on display, and since that's partly why I bought it in the first place, I don't feel like I got ripped off. Much.

Posted by: Ted at 11:42 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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A really bad day was saved a couple of weeks ago when an email appeared in my box asking if I would be interested in reviewing another serial podcast. Absolutely made my day, I tell ya.

Simple minds, simple pleasures. My mom used to tell me that all the time. Sloooowly. So I'd get all the words.

Disclosure time: Beyond Tolkein (which not reading violates some kind of natural law I think) and a few other scattered offerings, I've never been a fan of the fantasy genre. I much prefer History or Science Fiction.

Which means that Second Shift has been a pleasant surprise, because even though it's Fantasy/Adventure, I am really enjoying it.

The story goes like this: Three college students find themselves in another place. Planet? Universe? Who knows.

These are *not* the three students

At first it seems that their arrival was accidental, but in later episodes there are hints that at least one of them may have been intentionally targeted.

The new place is a world where magic is pervasive. They meet the local who (might have) summoned them, and also very quickly have a run in with the bad guys. Before long, swords and sorcery and quests and adventures are experienced by the trio of friends as they search for a way back home.

I understand that the description generically describes a significant percentage of all fantasy fiction ever written, but that's all I'm going to say so as not to give away any spoilers. Ok, one spoiler: there are "Undying" wandering about. You know how I am about zombies, so major bonus points there.

These are probably not the "Undying"

While listening to the first episode I was reminded of Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell in "His Girl Friday", in that the dialogue comes at you in machine-gun bursts. You'll have to pay attention to these exchanges or you'll miss something.

A couple of observations about the dialogue.

First, you will hear the very occasional naughty word and the mildest of innuendo. This is a barely PG-rated story so far.

These are not the "undying" either. Not yet, anyway.

Secondly, there is quite a bit of speaking in the "local" language, and it's beautifully done. The accents (I love the accents) and pronunciations are consistant and sound real, and there's no stumbling or hesitation when the actors speak in unfamiliar syllables. The language itself is lyrical and pleasing to listen to, and sounds natural enough for me to wonder just how much of this language is already real (in the sense that there is a dictionary and humans fluent in the language of the fictional Klingon race).

A "couple" means two. Ignore my inability to count and consider this a bonus.

Thirdly, the actors voices are distinctive and you'll be able to tell who is who before you know it. Which kind of ties into the characters themselves. These characters are three dimensional, not cardboard heroes (mystery reference for you gamer geeks). They have depth and background history and realistic emotions. Their speech and exchanges with other characters sound real. Since this is an audio play, dialogue is paramount, and it is exceptional.

Like real life, the good guys aren't always good, and sometimes they're not even particularly likable. At different times, each of the three students need a whack upside with a clue-by-four to remind them that whether you like it or not, reality isn't what you feel or wish for, it is what is right in front of you. So just shut up and hide in the bushes.

Not everything revolves around the three students either. The locals have their own history and stories, and sometimes things happen just between them. Again, this adds depth and you don't feel like every character exists just to support the three travellers. In fact, I can easily imagine a storyline involving Fezmir and crew that has absolutely nothing to do with those pesky kids (no points for that one, it's too easy).

So far, the bad guys aren't as fully fleshed out, but their story keeps coming to you in bits and pieces. There's great promise there, so I remain hopeful.

On to technical matters. The sound quality is good, and there is no subscription cost. The music is only ok. Sometimes the theme music really grates on my nerves, and other times I'm like, "that's not too bad". I haven't caught myself humming it yet, although I think it's right on the edge of becoming an earworm.

Each episode gets better as far as sound effects, both in number and quality. Low point: jogging through leaves. It sounds pretty much like running for your life through leaves. Most everything else though has been good, and there are a few really outstanding sound effects that have been used.

The production schedule calls for new episodes to be released every two weeks, and they're sticking to it despite some unexpected turnover among the production crew.

Extras. Their website is pretty cool, and just chock full of those little internetty doo-dads and gimcracks that I hate so much. Despite that, you can ignore the cuteness and you'll find that it's very easy to get around. It does look and act differently in IE vs Firefox, just so you know.

There are forums to explore, and a nifty journal where you get a glimpse into the behind-the-scenes work. I thought the posts on creating the sound effects were particularly interesting.

They've got a small shop to buy podcast related stuff, so far limited to "Work, Stupid Magic" stickers and buttons. Very cool, and even better after you listen and are in on the joke. They've promised more in the near future.

As an extra little bonus, these folks posted an episode of Captain Laserbeard and his Gamma Raiders! It's... odd. And funny. I mean, who doesn't love space pirates, arggh? A snippet of this show airs as background noise in one scene of the first episode.

On my last review I had a guest with me, our zombie friend Bub. The idea proved to be popular (typical comment: "More Undead, Less Ted!"), so I decided to ask another beloved movie character to rate Second Shift.

Looks like a big "thumbs up" from here!

If you like fantasy, you'll enjoy Second Shift. If you like character driven stories, you'll enjoy Second Shift. If you like Cary Grant, you'll enjoy Second Shift. You were paying attention, right? If you are intrigued by podcasts or the golden age of radio, you'll enjoy Second Shift.

Don't be Abby Something-or-other, go give Second Shift a try.

Posted by: Ted at 04:57 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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Before television gained dominance, radio shows entertained with all types of audio theater. I still enjoy recorded shows from "the golden age of radio" like The Shadow and Inner Sanctum (hint: available on CD and cassette, or ask Victor for copies he made when they originally aired).

Nowadays, I'm loving the proliferation of podcasts. Much like blogging gave "journalism" to the masses, podcasting is doing the same for talk radio. And now podcasts are appearing which provide a return to that classic era of radio programming.

Recently I was contacted about doing a Rocket Jones review for a podcast called Silent Universe. Like the classic radio serial format, this science fiction offering features suspense and cliffhangers at the end of each episode. Even better, unlike the old days, you don't have to be glued to the radio to enjoy the shows because you can download Silent Universe to your iPod or other .mp3 player and listen at your leisure.

From the email:

The Silent Universe is a sci-fi adventure drama, with writing that has been compared to the intrigue of TV shows like "24" and "Battlestar Galactica."

"[Space opera] is now commonly used to mean a tale of space adventure whose emphasis is on boldly delineated characters, drama, and especially action."
Wikipedia

Silent Universe is set in the not-too-distant future, when humans have spread to the planets of our solar system. Society as a whole hasn't moved much beyond what it is today, in that there are still governments jostling for advantage and using diplomacy, war, and intrigue to gain the upper hand.

"There were those who thought that the dawn of the second space age would unite humanity in a common cause. Dreams of grand utopias fevered the minds of visionaries and futurists, who proclaimed that the stars would save us from ourselves. They couldn't have been more wrong." - from the intro

The story follows Emmeline Kaley, a professional mercenary who finds herself involved with a covert organization after a paying job goes horribly wrong. Things arenÂ’t always what they seem, and allies canÂ’t always be trusted. Through the blur of events, you occasionally get a glimpse of the truth: that someone far more powerful than you has been pulling strings and making events bend to their will.

There's a disclaimer at the start of the podcast for the mature language and themes in the episodes. Despite the humorous slant on free speech, don't let it fool you into believing that everything is one-sided. At one point in the episode, one of the characters makes an impassioned argument for letting the UN handle the situation. The show tries to stay balanced, and the characters are not marching along in idealogical lockstep.

There are a couple of interesting facets to this podcast. First of all, you can download the mono version for free, or you can pay a couple of bucks for the CD-quality stereo version. You can also subscribe to either version and get each episode as it comes out.

Full Disclosure: I was given a reviewer's access code for the stereo version. Was this a blatant bribe to positively influence me, or merely their way of applying pressure to for-God's-sake use a spell checker? I report. You decide.

Actually, I asked the producer to comp me the access so I could contrast the two audio versions. Spoiled the suspense for you there, didnÂ’t I?

These episodes are performed by professional voice actors, complete with nice sound effects and an original soundtrack to go along with the action.

The initial schedule called for episodes to be released about once a month, and eleven episodes were to make up the first "season". As often happens, schedules go straight into the trash when they meet reality. The first two episodes are available now (and the first, Mission 256, is a double episode). The next is due out next month.

Online, Silent Universe has been generating some buzz:

We've been featured in online publications such as Slice of Sci Fi, Sci Fi Crows Nest, PRweb, Spaceship Radio, PodcastingNews and others.

And now of course, the coveted mention in Rocket Jones.

HereÂ’s another unique and exciting aspect to this project:

We also invite our audience to do more than just listen; we encourage them to discuss the podcast with the production staff on our online forums (honesty is preferred to flattery, though a little flattery never hurt anyone, hehe). We welcome feedback and critiques on episodes, suggestions for future plot ideas, and even spec script submissions for hopeful science fiction writers.

IÂ’ve been to the forums, and theyÂ’ve started to build a fan community discussing various aspects of the show. I expect it to grow quite a bit as they work the kinks out of the production process and begin to release new episodes on a more regular basis.

Ok, so that’s all well and good, but I can hear you saying, “Ted, that’s all well and good, but what did *you* think of it?â€�

More importantly, what did Bub think of it?

Enthralled, IÂ’d say.

The episodes are fast paced and seem logical within the framework of the story. I absolutely love EmmelineÂ’s accent (she claims Scot, but thereÂ’s some debate on that in the forums, which bothers me not).

I also like the bad guys so far. They donÂ’t seem evil just for evilÂ’s sake as there is an underlying rationale for their actions. When they act in a way that you personally wouldnÂ’t, thereÂ’s a tendency, in my mind at least, to attribute that to cultural differences rather than plot inconsistencies (those crafty Asians).

A few of the characters are already on my “please die soonâ€� list. The two sisters, Ritsu and May, are annoying as hell, which isn’t strictly a bad thing as characters go, but their dialogue doesn’t advance the action and they seem to be there only because the group needed to be bigger.

Unlike others on the forums, IÂ’m not put off by the resident computer geek of the crew. A little over the top, yes, but heÂ’s ok in small doses. Giving him more than a sentence or two at a time though might make me reach for the airlock handle.

My favorite line so far was in the second episode, when Emmeline muttered “bloody bastardsâ€� under her breath.

Why those simple words worked so well has to do with my major criticism. In the first episode, many characters used the word “frackâ€� as a futuristic version of the f-bomb. “Frack thisâ€� and “you frackin’…â€� and so on. I’ve since learned that the word might have originated with Battlestar Galactica, but since I was never a fan of that show I don’t remember it myself. In any event, its use here just doesn’t work. Every time someone uses it, the flow of the dialogue stumbles a little bit.

The good news is that episode 2 was almost completely devoid of “frackâ€�, which is why the “bloody bastardsâ€� line was such a pleasant surprise. I found myself mentally cringing in scenes where the word "frack" might be used, and it was a welcome improvement to hear more natural-sounding dialogue.

(mental note: new Rocket Jones tagline – “frackâ€� free since 2003)

Hey, since this is audio theater, I should probably mention the sound quality, eh? I first tried the non-stereo version and IÂ’ve got to tell you that the sound quality is very good. As good as it is, it doesn't come close to the exceptional experience of the stereo version. If you get into the story, I think it's worth it to subscribe. The stereo version eliminates the commercials too, although they're not terribly intrusive.

Bottom line: If you like science fiction or suspense stories, especially the old space opera genre (paging E.E. “Docâ€� Smith!), then you’ll probably enjoy Silent Universe. Even if you don’t, I recommend downloading the free version of the first episode and giving it a listen.

I know IÂ’m hooked. What about you, bub?

Thought so.

* The animated Bub graphics were lovingly lifted from I-mockery.com. Hopefully that acknowledgement and link will keep their lawyers off my ass.

Posted by: Ted at 08:13 PM | category: Links
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1 Ha, ha.

Posted by: Victor at July 27, 2006 07:42 PM (l+W8Z)

2 I owed you one for that sculpture comment.

Posted by: Ted at July 27, 2006 08:16 PM (+OVgL)

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Over at Wegg's, I discovered that there is a remake of The Eye in the works, this time starring Jessica Alba.

Here's my review of the original. Highly recommended.

Posted by: Ted at 07:45 PM | category: Cult Flicks
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The other night I scored a movie collection titled Hostile Hauntings, and since it rained all weekend I was able to view most of them. According to the box, these were indie movies, which wasn't quite accurate. I'm going to concentrate on two of the films, the other four ranging from complete crap to only mildly interesting.

The collection starts off strongly with The Shunned House, a 2003 straight-to-video offering from Italy. Two word review: Kicks. Ass. The story takes it's name from a tale by H.P. Lovecraft, and the actual plot is an amalgam of three Lovecraft stories: the title piece, The Music of Erich Zann (although the Erich character is a woman in the movie) and Dreams in the Witch House.

I've said it before: I adore Lovecraft. I have a fairly complete collection of his works. When I go on a Lovecraft binge, it perceptably darkens my mood. Powerful writing.

The director here concentrated on mood and atmosphere. There is quite a bit of gore, but not enough to squick me out (well, except for one horrendously memorable scene that will forever be in my all-time top 10 greatest movie scenes). Instead of telling the three stories in serial one-after-another fashion, the stories intertwine and interelate and are sometimes opaque and confusing, much like Lovecraft's work itself. Yet also like Lovecraft, the imagery is original and chilling. These are not terribly faithful story adaptations, but they remain true to the spirit of the originals.

An occult researcher and his girlfriend/photographer visit an old building where mysterious happenings have been going on for over one hundred years. The researcher has an extensive collection of old writings and documents related to the place, including photographs of some of the victims. The girlfriend thinks that they're there to investigate three mysterious deaths, and they are, but she freaks out when she finds out that there have been hundreds of odd suicides and murders done over time. This story is used as the framework to tie the other two plotlines together, even though the three original stories are completely unrelated to each other.

From what I've read, this film was shot entirely on location inside the actual building, complete with attached chapel. I've seen nothing to indicate that the building is other than ordinary in real life.

If you can handle the gore (and the heavy Italian accents), I can't recommend this one highly enough. Fair warning though, you're going to absolutely love it or absolutely hate it.

The second film that I'm going to talk about is an indie titled The Somnambulists (sorry, no link available). According to the box, it's 75 minutes long, and I was rather ticked off to find that the total time includes a "making of" special and *two* "premier night" features. The film itself is rather short, yet very intense.

Dialogue is sparse, and the acting is above average (with a couple of glaring exceptions). It all comes together nicely in the end, including a semi-surprise ending.

Granddad winds up with the best lines, including one chilling little exchange where he explains that "there is no heaven, there is no hell. The dead go into our dreams, and it's the ones with a grudge that you have to watch out for."

I can't say more without giving the ending away. Worth a view.

Posted by: Ted at 04:59 PM | category: Cult Flicks
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Released this week, the John Wayne/John Ford Film Collection.

Posted by: Ted at 05:37 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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There is a secret government program whose sole purpose is to ensure that whenever one of the Baldwin brothers needs work, Hollywood with retch up another shitty movie like this one. I have no proof of this, but it's at least as plausible as the "deal with Satan" theory.

The original was full of unique and likable characters, and even the supporting cast was memorable in their brief moments in the spotlight. This time around, unique was replaced by stereotypes and odd quirks that are supposed to pass for personality.

The story makes no sense, and "important" plot points are dropped and forgotten halfway through the movie. The characters, every last one of them, is stupid and irrational. I don't mean stupid as in "that was a dumb move", I mean Forrest Gump stupid.

The Hansen brothers risked their cult hero status with this stinker, and they're fortunate that it wasn't more widely seen. Even their schtick is tired, and the camera rather obviously avoids getting too close to them or people might see that they're in their mid-40's or so.

Stick with the original, this one is lame.

Posted by: Ted at 05:19 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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