May 26, 2007

My Private Little 50's Horror Movie

I'm sitting in the living room last night around 11pm, watching a movie (lesbian vampires, review coming soon), when I felt something land on me. I brushed it away without thinking. A few minutes later, it happened again. Almost immediately, again. Now, the thought did cross my mind that it could be a spider, but hey, I'm watching lesbian vampires, ya know?

I finally snagged whatever is was that was landing on me and looked at it, and it had wings. We've had mayfly hatchings where the dang things get into the house and are everywhere, but this didn't look like a mayfly. It looked like an...

Uh oh. Go turn on the light and then check the front door. Sunuvabitch! Ants!!! The tile floor in front of the door is covered with 'em, and I see scouts already making their way onto the carpet. The doorframe is alive with them and they're making their way along the wall as they expand their beachhead.

I'm really pissed off now. Heading into the basement to find some industrial grade ecologically-unsound ant fucker-upper, I'm wondering if wasp/hornet killer will do the job, because I *know* I've got two cans of that shit. What I found was an old pump spray bottle of ant killer for plants with about two inches of liquid in the bottom. I checked for an expiration date, but no luck.

Hoping that spraying the ants with this ancient chemical wouldn't make them grow to beagle size, I started in on them. Wonder of wonders, it was still potent enough to kill them and not just make them wet and angry. I spent the next couple of hours spraying and then waiting for the next wave to appear. It was like Normandy, except that I was the Kraut bastard in the pillbox staring over the sights of my machine gun, and there were no Captain Miller's in the invasion force.

At 3am, I used paper towels to mop up the last little corpses and sop the last puddles of insecticide from the floor. I also poured the last half inch of poison (that wouldn't pump) into the visible anthole. This afternoon I went out and bought ant baits to put around plus some long lasting ant-killer/repellent.

Nobody interrupts me when I'm watching lesbian vampires! A man's gotta have his limits.

Posted by: Ted at 02:51 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 If you don't want to spend a lot of money...Windex actually kills ants really well. Quick...just point, aim and you are cleaning the floor at the same time. I am probably jinxing myself, but I have been using windex lately and haven't seen an ant in over a week.

Posted by: Robyn at May 26, 2007 04:46 PM (b4vLn)

2 Ya know, Nic has much the same reaction when she discovers ants in the house, except she isn't watching lesbian vampires when she discovers 'em.


Posted by: Victor at May 26, 2007 04:55 PM (l+W8Z)

3 Protect me Rocket Jones, Protect me from the invasion!!!....Bunny

Posted by: Bunny at May 26, 2007 05:25 PM (+OVgL)

4 Nobody tells a story as superbly as you do. :-)

Posted by: Cindy at May 26, 2007 06:26 PM (J6OMk)

5 Robyn's right. Basic cleaning spray seems to destroy the trails pretty well.

Long term: Terro traps. The lady at the mom&pop hardware store literally took another brand of traps out of my hand and said "Honey, don't waste your money. The orange ones are the only ones that work."

Posted by: nic at May 27, 2007 05:56 PM (l+W8Z)

6 Bug killing, yes! Recently I sprayed friggin' Roundup into a concrete crack outside where an ant colony was busy with its antly deeds, kicking up a little condo-mound of sand. You'd think being doused with Roundup would have made them re-think their plans, but no, they returned with a day and are kicking up a mound again (in the same exact spot). I know some must have died, but these replacements aren't even coughing.

Now I bring out the Windex.

Posted by: dogette at May 28, 2007 10:18 AM (q/UVc)

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