May 09, 2004
Like I originally stated, the formula is to spoof a popular movie, and to fill it with lesbian softcore porn. Part of what makes these films work is that the original storylines are closely followed, so the movies tend to actually have plots.
But face it - and I can't believe I'm actually saying this (my 'guy' membership will be revoked for sure) - there is such a thing as too much lesbian porn. Watching one of these movies is fun, but two is borderline boring, and three is serious overkill. Maybe it's because it was the first one I saw, but I still think Lord of the G-Strings is the best of the three I've seen. Play-Mate of the Apes was fun and funny, but there were way too many enhanced bustlines for my taste. The overstuffed petrified-chest look just doesn't do it for me.
Now that this peculiar little itch has been scratched, I can get back to my beloved obscure crappy horror movies. I do have some interesting flicks on my list to be reviewed, but with springtime here my movie time is seriously curtailed. We'll get to 'em all in time.
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May 05, 2004
Thanks to Bad State of Gruntledness for the pointer.
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April 27, 2004
For the 25th anniversary of the original, they made Slap Shot 2. I don't know whether this is a good thing or not, because to be honest I haven't seen it. To balance that out, the original was one of the first DVD's I ever purchased (right after Love Story).
And here's a quickie for you, the Hanson brothers official website. This is worth a stroll through all by itself!
*Welcome to "drive-by" postings, ala Rocket Jones. No time to really develop this one, so you get some links and a friendly swift kick in the butt to go follow them.
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April 24, 2004
First Spaceship on Venus was made in East Germany in 1959. Rather than overt preaching about the joys of Communist living, the message here was much more subtle and pervasive. Almost every aspect of the movie was colored by the society which created the film and the society it was targeted towards. There's an grim earnestness here, where everyone is expected to pull their weight for the common good of all Earth (even those poor misguided Americans). Of course, the crew is gloriously diverse, containing both males and females and of every race. One scene that troubled me happened near the end, where some crew members were lost. There was no effort to rescue them, and even though they were hailed as heroes they weren't sacrificed. They were just left behind by circumstance when the ship returned to Earth, and little was wasted on regret. To my mind, that perfectly pointed up the socialist attitude of individual expendability.
This movie is based on a story by Stanislaw Lem, who's novel Solaris has been made into a movie twice - first in Russia, and then again a year or two ago by Hollywood (starring George Clooney). I've read some Lem, and don't much care for him. I'm wondering now if it's because of our differing viewpoints about the world we grew up in. His fiction is wildly imaginative, but there always seemed to be an alieness about his writing that had nothing to do with the story he was telling.
But despite (or maybe because of) this, First Spaceship on Venus presents an intriguing story. More cerebral than action-oriented, much of the plot is advanced via dialogue, and since it was filmed in the earliest days of space exploration, they get a lot of the science wrong, sometimes with unintentionally funny results.
The spaceship is one of the most beautiful creations ever conceived for the big screen. It also has one of the dumbest names - the Cosmostrator.
The special effects are outstanding for the most part, especially the surface of Venus. The dubbing and editing are horrible. Supposedly my copy was "fully restored and enhanced from a digital master", which just tells me that the original must've been in really bad shape. The picture isn't bad, but it's not all that great either.
Bottom line: this one is well worth watching. In fact, I'll go ahead and call this one a must-see.
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07:59 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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April 17, 2004
From SomethingWierd.com:
Two years before Thriller, Boris Karloff hosted a hitherto obscure ten-episode pilot of a unsold TV horror anthology, The Veil. Though Twilight Zone and One Step Beyond wouldn’t make their debuts until 1959, The Veil uncannily evokes both by presenting “true and authenticated” stories of ordinary people who experience some aspect of the bizarre or paranormal intruding into their lives. In addition to his duties as a genteel host -- in which Karloff greets us from in front of a gigantic flaming fireplace which looks like he’s hosting from Hell -- Boris also stars in [many of the] episodes which makes this a rare treat for Karloff fans and forces one to wonder why the shows were never aired.
Apparently, nine episodes were made with an American audience in mind, and a tenth episode titled "Jack the Ripper" was made in England and tacked onto the end of the series to round it out.
Some years after they were originally made, the episodes were grouped together into three compilation movies. This was done without the knowledge of any of the original directors or even the series creator.
SomethingWeird video offers up the series on multiple DVD's and VHS tapes, but I stumbled onto another version completely by accident. Brentwood Video offers a collection of 10 classic zombie movies called The Dead Walk (reviews will be coming eventually), and each of the five double-sided DVD's contains a bonus in the form of an episode of The Veil. Completely unexpected and a wonderful surprise.
The picture quality on the DVD's is excellent, and the acting is pretty good. Fans of the genre will recognize some familiar faces among the casts. The stories range from fair to good, and concentrate on the eerie. No explanation is ever offered for the uncanny events.
Zombie movies and Boris Karloff. Pass the popcorn!
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01:36 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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April 11, 2004
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April 06, 2004
Softcore Lesbian Spoof movies shot direct to video.
Man, I can't wait to see the Google hits that one generates. The movie I saw on late-night television was titled Lord of the G-Strings: Femaleship of the String. The main characters were all female, and it was an obvious and not terribly bad parody of the Tolkien works ("terribly bad" as per my definition). I love crap movies, so if your tastes run to the normal, then these probably aren't for you.
In the movie, Dildo the Throbbit is entrusted with the task of delivering the G-String of Power to... uh, someplace... for destruction. Need I go on?
The sex is simulated and overwhelmingly (but not exclusively) lesbian. The characters get naked often. There is a plot of sorts, and actual acting is attempted at times. The humor is pretty hit and miss, but there are some laugh-out-loud moments.
And then there is the leading lady. Her screen name is Misty Mundae (go on, I'll wait for you to stop snickering). She's killer cute, with an innocent face and the morals of... well, no... she has no morals that I can determine, at least as far as making softcore lesbian spoof flicks. (Mental note: run that job search through Monster.com)
Misty Mundae has made numerous movies over the last several years for Seduction Cinema, and seems to have a cult following built up, including her own Yahoo group fan-club (as does Seduction). The movies have titles like The Erotic Witch Project and The Sexy Sixth Sense, as well as some not-spoof flicks. Apparently it's not all mindless T&A either, as I saw some good reviews of one movie as a noir thriller offering.
So what do I think? I went through the satellite-guide for the month and picked out a couple of other related flicks. I'll let you know after I've seen Play-Mate of the Apes and Gladiator Eroticus: The Lesbian Warriors. I'd pick these up if I see them in a bargain bin somewhere, but they're not going onto my "must buy" list.
Favorite review snippets:
"This is just under ninety minutes, which means total production time was about ninety minutes.""Best scene: the gorilla having sex with the sex-doll... now there's something I hadn't seen yet..."
"...What surprised me about this movie, is that it actually worked. The movie made some sense. The formula actually worked."
"three beautiful women get lesbo-crazy in front of a camera. Talk about entertainment!"
Sexy fun, and there's nothing wrong with that. Uh huh, I already know I'm a pig. Oink.
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05:49 PM | category: Cult Flicks
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April 04, 2004
The original TCM remains one of the most disturbing films of all time. It's intense in ways that Hitchcock approached only at his very best. Considering its reputation, there is surprisingly little gore and only one murder by chainsaw. Where it gets you is the unsettling details in every scene and unrelenting suspense, because it just never lets up.
A major gripe with the original was "poor cinematography". It's pretty dark and murky much of the time, which adds to the atmosphere in my opinion. I also don't agree with the complaints about plot (or lack thereof). This movie doesn't tie up loose ends, and there's very little understandable motivation for the characters. Imagine the scariest book you've ever read, but the first and last chapters are missing. You get the distilled essence of terror, without any of the context that helps you to rationalize it. That multiplies the experience because things happen that are just on the edge of making sense.
The DVD contains several scenes that never made it to the theatrical release, including background and thoughts from the actors involved. There are plenty of other extra features too.
On to the remake. The story has been changed. It makes (a little) more sense than the original, but much of the urgency and sense of not knowing what was coming next was lost in the update. The movie just feels more modern, and that's not a good thing in this case.
The acting is better. The actual filmwork is better. The 'good guy' characters are more likable. The special effects and gore are more gruesome, and there's more blood splashing around. The lead female character, played by Jessica Biel, is a good looking lady, and she gives a fine performance.
But throughout the film the director went for the modern touches, like gore and sex jokes. Instead of suggesting, they went for explicit. Even the creepy little details that made the original so memorable seemed contrived in the remake, placed for effect instead of being the disturbing minutinae that set the scene.
So far, everything I've said about the remake are in comparison to the original. And don't get me wrong, the remake is a pretty good movie. It will scare the hell out of you. Some people will like the new version better because it is a more complete movie. My personal opinion is that the original is a scarier experience.
The remake DVD is pretty sparse in the special features department, offering the TV ads, the movie trailer, and a lame-ass music video.
UPDATE: I was reminded that the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies were inspired by the real-life person Ed Gein (warning: link has some graphic photos). Despite what the movies claim, they are not true stories. Ed Gein was also the inspiration for Bloch's Psycho, later turned into the peerless classic film by Alfred Hitchcock. For more information on Gein and other mass and serial murderers, check out the Crime Library.
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08:21 PM | category: Cult Flicks
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March 21, 2004
This movie is horribly, tragically, pathetically bad. The acting is laughable, the characters are one-dimensional, and the plot is simplistic and childish.
In other words: so far, so great!
Victor and Nic will be interested in the presence of a lab rat who advances the plot in a big way. As Victor says, the presence of rat automatically makes this great cinema. To be truthful, the rats are actually someone in giant rat costumes, but it's at least as realistic as Alf was.
It also helps to have a 60' tall naked blonde with lines like "Help me, I'm huge." Yes dear, you certainly are. She's horny too, which reminds me of the Tubes lyric:
She left me there though I tried and tried
A fifty-foot woman's never satisfied.
Special effects suck were impressive. I especially liked the sledge hammer made from a rubber mallet spray painted silver. It would have been more realistic if they would've masked off the handle first. They also seemed to have a problem getting the actors to actually look in the right direction during some special effects scenes. A little more directorial care goes a long way.
Favorite line, spoken by one centerfold candidate (probably not an exact quote): "You know I'm a shallow person, I want you to be honest with me."
The climax is a lame-assed cat-fight between rival giant bikini-clad centerfolds (wow, three hyphenated words in one sentence, a personal best!). The good guy gets the good centerfold, and for some reason the bad centerfold and bad guy inexplicably and spontaneously combust. And yes, I feel really bad for not warning you about that spoiler.
This one doesn't try to take itself seriously, which is why it works as well as it does. If nothing else is on, this one's worth a look.
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08:24 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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March 19, 2004
Thanks to the Llama Butchers, via Farm Accident Digest, for pointing this one out.
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07:58 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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March 18, 2004
Not the 50's horror feature of the same name, this movie is sometimes found under the title "The Beast of War".The Beast of the title is a tank. A Soviet main battle tank involved in the invasion of Afghanistan, which becomes separated from the rest of its unit. The story involves the crew of the tank and their efforts to rejoin their comrades despite being surrounded by hostile mujadeen and forbidding country. It's a war story, but the focus is on the people involved on both sides, both Soviet tank crew and Afghan's fighting the invaders.
There are rumors that you can occasionally find this one in the $5.00 bargain bin at WalMart. I haven't seen it there, but I'm going to look more carefully from now on.
Another underappreciated movie, this one is thumbs up, comrades!
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08:10 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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March 07, 2004
Behind door number so-so, we have Snowbeast. This made-for-TV bigfoot thriller stars a whole heap of washed-up TV stars like Clint Walker, Bo Swenson, Yvette Mimieux and others you'll probably recognize. Amazingly enough, this bland thriller was written by the same guy who wrote the screenplay to Hitchcock's Psycho, proving that Bob Marley was right when he sang "a hungry man is an angry man". This guy must've been desperate for grocery money (I know that doesn't quite fit the point I'm trying to make, but I wanted to throw in a Marley quote to impress you).
The plot is full of holes, and the actual violence seen is minimal - it was for TV after all. Not very good, but not unwatchable either.
Much better, in a crapesque sort of way is Night Train to Terror - a trio of tales embedded in a senseless concept meant to tie the stories together. God and Satan are riding a train together, discussing souls. Also on the train, for no apparent reason, are quite a few teenagers, partying like only teenagers in 60's beach movies can. There's a catchy song they play at various times, and you'll likely wind up with an ear-worm from it. The stories here are actually not too bad. The special effects range from tacky to good, including some pretty cool stop-action claymation work. There are gruesome moments and blood and gore, and several gratuitious breast shots (and one bush sighting as well, for those who're keeping track).
The ending credits note that God is playing himself.
Remember the Lurch-like actor Richard Moll? Apparently he had a (so-called) career playing freaks in cheesy horror movies before he hit the big time, playing the freak bailiff on the television sitcom Night Court. I used to think his role in House was what his acting career had sunk to, but apparently it was a simple return to his roots. He plays a couple different roles in this one. Recommended.
Finally, we have The Severed Arm. This flick should be studied in every cinema course as how to completely screw up a great concept. Here's the story line: "Trapped in a cave, five men cut the arm off of another companion in order to ward off starvation. After they are saved, their victim seeks revenge on them one by one."
Isn't that cool? Unfortunately, everything else about the movie is absolute dreck. I should've known that suck was inevitable when, in the first two minutes of the movie, we have an extreme windblown comb-over moment. I mean, the actor gained eight inches in height as his hair stood straight up in the breeze. Believe me, it was all downhill from there. I suggest remembering this title for the express purpose of avoiding it.
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March 04, 2004
Here's one place I go when looking for info about the lesser-known lights of the silver screen. Some of it's not work safe.
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March 02, 2004
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February 29, 2004
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Glad you enoy my occassional irreverant trips into filmdom. ;]
February 27, 2004
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February 21, 2004
The Gorilla (1939) – This is a true Hollywood production, and the quality shows. Featuring great sets, real actors, a plot and special effects, this early spoof of horror movies has plenty of slapstick comedy to go along with the thrills and chills. Bela Lugosi makes a fine butler, and the Ritz Brothers play a trio of private eyes hired to protect a millionaire targeted for murder. The high point of the movie is the funniest maid (Patsy Kelly) ever to steal a scene, but it’s pretty obvious why the Ritz Brothers never made it as big as Abbot and Costello or any of the other great comedy teams. Nevertheless, this zany movie is an ok way to escape for a little while. My favorite line: “Did you see that face? I’ll bet when snakes get drunk they see him.”
The Ape Man (1943) – More Bela Lugosi and more monkey business! In this film, he plays a mad doctor who ends up the victim of his own experiments. To recover, he must kill. Overall, the mood is darker than in The Gorilla, but this flick still has some humorous moments and a rich plot full of details and minor storylines. The ending has a twist that you’d never guess in a million years.
When The Ape Man was originally released, World War II was in full swing and there are frequent mentions of it. In fact, in one scene a female character makes fun of a guy for being a “4-F reject”, and he proudly let’s her know that in 30 days he goes into the Navy. She apologizes immediately.
Something else I noticed, in both movies, was that guns were common and unremarkable. Many of the characters (male and female) were armed, and casually pulling a pistol out for protection caused no great reaction from other characters. At the same time, the guns were always handled safely and nobody was trigger-happy, in fact they were never used at all in The Gorilla and not until the very end of The Ape Man – and it wasn’t a hail of gunfire either.
Both of these movies get two opposable thumbs up.
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February 15, 2004
Whoops Apocolypse is a brilliant satirical spoof of the world in the 80's.
Wow, that sounded so simple. If you are a fan of anime, and are familiar with the Excel Saga, then this is the live-action version of that concept. No idea is sacred, no institution unscathed, no tradition left untrampled.
Here's the synopsis from IMDB.COM:
A light-hearted look at the final week before doomsday. American President Johnny Cyclops is trying to run a re-election campaign while dealing with the Russians, a deposed Shah needing to be hidden, and a new weapon called a 'quark' bomb. Meanwhile, Lacrobat, the infamous terrorist, has stolen one of the quark bombs and is trying to get it into the Middle East. Stopping Lacrobat, getting the Shah to safety, placating the Russians and winning the election will require a brilliantly planned and perfectly executed strategy on the part of President Cyclops...
Like Airplane!, there is so much happening on so many levels that the mind boggles. You'll find yourself suddenly cracking up long after watching when a joke finally clicks inside your head.
Imagine the newly-elected conservative Prime Minister of England, sitting in quiet satisfaction with his closest ministers, basking in their victory. He decides to reveal a secret to his friends and colleagues, now that they're in power. The Prime Minister has a plan to save vast amounts of money by completely eliminating the military. When his ministers question the wisdom of leaving the country undefended, he reveals his secret. He is, underneath the clever disguise, actually Superman, and he will provide all defense of the homeland.
Watching the ministers trying to grasp the fact that their leader is a complete loon is priceless. Especially when the Prime Minister wants to announce to the world that he is Superman, thus deterring any and all enemies from ever again committing agression against the United Kingdom.
Meanwhile, international terrorist Lacrobat (John Cleese!) has stolen one of the new 'quark' bombs, and is making his way across Europe with it. It's not a little bomb either, so some of the camoflauge he uses have to be seen to be believed.
This one is mucho rare and hard to find, but if you ever get the chance...
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February 11, 2004
The beginning of this movie is reminiscent of the opening of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Well, not really, but work with me here. The story moves right along, where the feminist anthropologist Dr. Hunt (Playboy playmate-of-the-year Shannon Tweed, playing the part almost straight) is coerced by the US Military to enter the dreaded Avocado Jungle of California to search for the mythical Piranha tribe and the missing feminist Dr. Kurtz (Adrienne Barbeau).
Cutie Karen Mistal as sidekick Bunny provides airhead relief, and Bill Maher plays the guide.
I don't want to give any spoilers, because I really do recommend this movie. Like Starship Troopers Earth vs. Soup, ignore the title and be prepared to enjoy this movie more than you thought you would.
Sample dialog:
Dr. Hunt: "Dr Kurtz. I'm unfamiliar with the academic guidelines at Radcliffe, but I would think that any major university would consider warring on the United States and eating prisoners of war a serious breach of ethics."Dr. Kurtz: "Always the cautious scholar, eh Dr. Hunt?"
Go on, take a chance. Run out right now and rent this movie. You'll thank me, and if you don't like it, well, then there's just something wrong with you.
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05:09 AM | category: Cult Flicks
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