Stolen entire from The Ministry of Minor Perfidy:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”

Thanks Johno, I needed that!

Posted by: Ted at 04:49 PM | category: Links
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I can't even claim that it started innocently:

Ted,

How about playing a round of "How Many Beers?" for the blog?

You know the drill, how many beers to bang the broads on the list. If you decline, we'll ridicule you. I'm just kidding, I totally understand if you want to bow out. Our type of humor is somewhat...juvenile.

Here's the list:

So yeah, I played. Click here if you want to see the list of ladies I was presented with and my answers. Jennifer played, and sparked tons of comments on her round o' potentials. Why not make me feel as loved?

Posted by: Ted at 12:07 PM | category: Links
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I was jamming some Earth, Wind & Fire the other day when the Kalimba Song came on. I've always loved the sound of the kalimba, and a quick google search turned up these instructions on building your own two-octive kalimba (rather inexpensively). I just might have to give this a go.

Posted by: Ted at 06:00 AM | category: Links
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You must check out these actual Weight Watchers Recipe Cards from 1974. The accompanying commentary is priceless:

Once upon a time the world was young and the words "mackerel" and "pudding" existed far, far away from one another.

One day, that all changed. And then, whoever was responsible somehow thought the word "fluffy" would help.

Oh, and eggs, too.

Major kudos to Sheila for the pointer.

Posted by: Ted at 05:33 AM | category: Links
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1 hahahaha Aren't those things just classic??

Posted by: red at September 28, 2005 12:14 PM (YqCav)

2 Those are great, and completely disgusting.

Posted by: Oorgo at September 28, 2005 12:27 PM (lM0qs)

3 Every decade has its cross to bear. Well, some more than others.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at September 29, 2005 07:13 AM (QriEg)

4 Too bad the backs of the cards (the recipes) weren't included. Oh, man, those pictures gave me a hankerin' for hunger.

Posted by: Tuning Spork at September 29, 2005 08:51 PM (q3IVH)

5 Nononono, folks--you see, those recipe cards did exactly what they were supposed to do: they made you lose your appetite. Just...not in the way the makers originally intended...

--TwoDragons

Posted by: Denita TwoDragons at October 04, 2005 06:04 PM (Vw1E+)

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I am, of course, referring to baseball's pennant race in the National League West. You know, the division where the San Diego Padres stink on ice, which is only marginally better than the rest of the division, which just stinks. In fact, if this season's putrid San Francisco Giants squad sweeps their four game series with the Padres, they'll win the division.

Grant, of The McCovey Chronicles, describes it thusly:

In the `80s movie version of the 2005 NL West, the climax comes with a muscle-bound villain -- Dolph Lundgren? -- laying his opponent to waste, and leaving him for dead. Slowly, the Terminator-like beast rises from the ashes, and it starts lumbering after Dolph, who grits his teeth and mutters, "Why won't you just die?"

No, no, let's just switch this around. Instead of Dolph Lundgren and Arnold Schwarzenegger...let's see Ben Stein and Steve Buscemi. In fact, let's forget the penultimate fighting scene, and just make the last 15 minutes of the movie a single camera shot of two 90-year old people making love. One of them is going to finish first, but no one really wins.

It's sad. It's ugly. It's my beloved Giants. I'm not sure I'd want this to happen. I'm not like a Cubs fan, who perpetually believes that the ballclub will magically transform itself into a powerhouse just by being the least pathetic team in the division race. The winning team will still be tragically bad, and they'll get to display that wretchedness for a few games longer, instead of going home, licking wounds, and beating their heads against the wall in an attempt at self-inflicted amnesia.

Then again, you never know. Go Giants!

Posted by: Ted at 12:24 PM | category: Links
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In this week's fantasy football matchup, I was behind in points with one game left to go, the Monday night matchup between the Chiefs and Broncos. I have tight end Tony Gonzales on my team, one of the best in the game. All I needed was a typical Tony-sized game, and I could squeak my way to victory.

Yeah right. I'm an Oakland Raiders fan, and there isn't any way that a Chiefs player is going to do me any favors. In fact, my phone rang at halftime:

Me: Hello?

Voice: Hi Ted. This is Tony Gonzales.

Me: What the hell are you doing out there? You're killing me, man.

Voice: I dropped those passes on purpose dude. You know, Chiefs rule, Raiders drool. *click*

Chiefs and Broncos... sheesh. I used to say that during games like that I'd be rooting for a sniper in the stands, but thanks to that idiot Malvo it ain't funny any more.

So anyways, all hail Brendoman, who whooped me this week. Good game, guy.

Posted by: Ted at 04:28 AM | category: Links
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1 heh...hee hee hee...

YES!

Posted by: Derek at September 27, 2005 11:52 AM (FloaD)

2 Shut up, Derek.

Posted by: Ted at September 27, 2005 12:03 PM (blNMI)

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Victor is riding in the Lance Armstrong Tour of Hope for cancer research.

We've had multiple opportunities to contribute to worthy causes lately, but if you'd like to make a donation to help him meet his goal, here's his page.

Posted by: Ted at 05:22 AM | category: Links
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I still maintain my sidebar links by hand, so it doesn't get updated as often as it should.

Stop by and say hello to:

• Trey Givens


• Steal the Bandwagon


• The Cotillion


• Wonderduck's Pond


• A Sailor In The Desert


• American Dinosaur


• The Steiner Aid


• The Colossus of Rhodey


• Not A Desparate Housewife


• Ex-Donkey Blog


• Prochein Amy


• Outnumbered, Outgunned


• Voluntary Redneck


• The American Princess


• Sompopo's Revenge


• Geek Empire


• Southpark Republicans


• Tilesey

The cool kids just got a little bit cooler.

Posted by: Ted at 04:12 AM | category: Links
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Not around here, but I've already wasted too much time on this virtual Lite-Brite. I always wanted one as a kid, but never managed to talk my parents into it. When we moved into this house, I finally understood why. We found those little plastic pegs in the oddest places for years afterwards.

Thanks to Camp HappyBadFun for the pointer.

Posted by: Ted at 09:15 AM | category: Links
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Blame Bou, or maybe I'm just a helpful kind of guy, but vw bug of One Happy Dog Speaks will soon, with your participation, enjoy increased hits on her site from people who Google "plugging butts".

Go ahead, click and link, it's not dirty. Honest. Do it because everyone should be #1 for something on Google.

Posted by: Ted at 08:59 AM | category: Links
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I've dreamed of doing this. I'm sure we all have.

Thanks to Dustbury for making my day.

Posted by: Ted at 08:51 PM | category: Links
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Specifically, a new way to do Trig.

Mathematics students have cause to celebrate. A University of New South Wales academic, Dr Norman Wildberger, has rewritten the arcane rules of trigonometry and eliminated sines, cosines and tangents from the trigonometric toolkit.

His book explaining the method is called Divine Proportions: Rational Trigonometry to Universal Geometry (not available at Amazon, yet).

Dr Wildberger has replaced traditional ideas of angles and distance with new concepts called "spread" and "quadrance".

These new concepts mean that trigonometric problems can be done with algebra," says Wildberger, an associate professor of mathematics at UNSW.

"Rational trigonometry replaces sines, cosines, tangents and a host of other trigonometric functions with elementary arithmetic."

This could revolutionize mathematics who knows where it could lead? Sometimes all that's needed is to look at something from a different vantage point to make exciting things happen.

Thanks to Transterrestrial Musings for the pointer.

Posted by: Ted at 08:22 PM | category: Links
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According to the rules of our Blogger Bowl fantasy football league, we're supposed to "talk smack". Being the quiet and nonconfrontational sort, I'm hesitant to do so, but since I beat one of last season's powerhouses this week, and since I outscored him despite the fact that my QB earned negative points for me, and since my final player doesn't even get counted until tonight's games, I'll do my best.

Dear Nick,
You are my bitch.
On toast.

Ted

My, that was fun!

Posted by: Ted at 11:37 AM | category: Links
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Derek of Son of Cheese has a new bit o' whimsy for all to play, called OMGWTFLOLLOL. He's posted a blank comic, and you supply the words!

My idea was to leave the balloons blank, because the characters are all mimes. I'm sure you can do better.

Posted by: Ted at 05:38 AM | category: Links
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Dafydd ab Hugh (how the heck is that pronounced?) has started his own blog, Big Lizards.

I first saw him guest posting at Captain's Quarters, and recognized the name from several Star Trek novels and other SciFi works he's written. Good read whether you agree with him or not, because he's always interesting and thought provoking.

Posted by: Ted at 01:47 PM | category: Links
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Podcasts I've recently listened to:

Ken & Squip Show - new!
Fred Garvin Male Prostitute and the Reverend Demize - funny stuff
Soccergirl Incorporated - something on her site freezes my PC, but I'm usually able to download at least one episode before crashing
Bleacher Guy Radio - sports, co-hosted by Off-Wing Opinion's Eric McErlain
Shire Network News - from the boys at Silent Running

Notice who's missing?

Blue's Simian Syndicate hasn't put anything new up for a while, but he's directly involved with the Katrina effort at work, so you can't fault him for having his priorities straight

Posted by: Ted at 07:35 AM | category: Links
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Thanks to Chris Hall for the pointer, (Buckethead, this is right up your alley).

NRA probes Japanese sex android. I like how they try to make this evil machine sound cute and innocent by calling her it a "cyberminx".

This is scary as hell. I'm heading to the drugstore right now, because when the real invasion begins, and folks realize just how deadly sex with a robot will be, there will be a run on KY, rubbers, and cheap wine. I'm stocking up now.

Adjust your survival kit inventories accordingly.

Posted by: Ted at 10:15 AM | category: Links
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Carnival of the Recipes, hosted this week by Trub, a beer brewer. Get some terrific ideas for this weekend.

Posted by: Ted at 11:59 AM | category: Links
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The fixture in our bath/shower was ancient, and badly needed replacing. In addition, we'd developed a leak somewhere in the vicinity, so I went looking for a plumber.

The first place I called for an estimate informed me that they didn't do in-person estimates any more because of gas prices. I described the work to be done in detail, and their estimate consisted of telling me that they'd do the work for $150.00 an hour. Buh-bye.

Next on the list are the folks who installed our new air conditioner a couple of years ago. Good work and I trust them. They offered to have the guy come out, give a "job estimate" (instead of by the hour), for $75.00 and then if I was ok with the price he'd do the work right then, and the $75.00 would go towards the bill. I finally did decide on them, and yesterday was the day.

I can do basic, mechanical plumbing, but this job had the potential to become really ugly in a hurry, so I wanted a pro. He came in, heard my description, looked at things and gave a reasonable price. Not as good as I'd hoped, better than I was expecting, and within 10% of what I'd told Liz I thought it would cost.

While he was putting in the fixture, I was downstairs removing the ceiling in our living room coat closet, because it's right under the bath and the water had been dripping down. He looked around from underneath and did his plumbing magic and two hours later it was done.

Kinda. Now I have to retile the tub, or put in a shower enclosure, and if I'm going to do that then I might as well replace the bathtub, which means I should swap out the toilet so it matches, and the wall sink could be replaced with the pedistal kind, and since I'm going to all that trouble a new medicine cabinet would be nice, which means new electrical outlets and lighting fixtures, and I should go ahead and replace the ancient vent fan with a quiet new one...

Oh yeah, I've just started emptying my wallet on this one.

Posted by: Ted at 05:12 AM | category: Links
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Truth or Dare in Middle Earth

Rodger owes me a keyboard.

Posted by: Ted at 08:02 PM | category: Links
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