Robert the Llama Butcher has been keeping us posted on his gripping battle against savage nature. The chaotic forces of the wild have waged unrelenting warfare upon his neat and orderly bastion of civilization, and so far in his desperation he's managed to stem the tide, but not completely halt the devastation.

Earlier this year, Robert made a public plea for help, asking any with previous experience with this sort of enemy to please assist him.

Amidst the subsequent flood of calls for napalm, claymore mines, razor wire and beamed microwave weapons (mmmmm, toasty!), my quiet advice to use human urine went unheeded.

Now I based this on two things. First, I saw it once in a movie (Doc Hollywood), and we all know that Hollywood knows what's best for us. Secondly, I asked an aquaintance I know who is something of an expert on nature. Mr. X (he asked me not to use his real name on the internet because he fears our evil government) is eminently qualified. He drives an old but functional VW microbus with an ecology sticker on the bumper and he is a member of the American Greens Party, our indigenous friends of nature.

This is what he told me; "Human urine is the perfect method of area denial against natural forces. Almost all animals will avoid an area with that scent because we're all chauvanistic biped assholes who think we own the planet."

He also told me that he recalls seeing it in a movie once. When I asked how that was possible, seeing as how he didn't own a television (evil government beaming brain-controlling waves through the screen, ya know), he admitted that someone might have told him about it.

This is an educated man in touch with the world around him. Mr. X invited me in to try his latest culinary creation: Sinsemilla Brownies with Patchouli frosting. Fortunately I was pressed for time and had to decline, but not before hearing about how he has entered variations of that same basic recipe to every Betty Crocker recipe contest since 1964. He is convinced that he has taken first prize every year, but since he dares not send his real name and address through the governmnet controlled mail system, well, the Betty Crocker people can't contact him to let him know that he's won. Such is the life of one who refuses to be a tool of the man.

Another possibility occurred to me. Robert just may not be very familiar with our wildlife in Northern Virginia. Like everything else in such close proximity to Washington DC, even the animals achieve a cunning and cynicism not encountered elsewhere in the wild (evil government mind-beams? I merely note, you decide for yourselves).

I once saw a diagram of a favorite tactic used by deer in this area. A classic case of misdirection, a deer sneaks up on a hunter behind a tree then taps his shoulder. When the hunter looks that way, the deer tiptoes away in the opposite direction, smirking like a chimp (Mr. X used that simile often during our conversation, it's kinda stuck in my mind at the moment).

But Northern Virginia deer have taken the misdirection to new levels of sophistication. They have learned from the hunters, and are now using their own camoflage. The deer in our region are now wearing coveralls and posing as county workers. Their lack of hands poses no problems, because no one expects county workers to actually be doing anything anyways. It's a near perfect disguise.

So Robert, my advice to you regarding Bambi the Balrog and his evil sidekick Thumper (who may or may not be in the employ of our evil government) is simple and direct. You don't need explosives (for this, otherwise they're big fun), all you need is a supersoaker squirtrifle and your own human bodily functions. Urinate into the tank every time you have to go. Drink plenty of beer (volume) and eat asparagus (odor) to assist. Then, next time you see a group of county workers in your neighborhood pretending to be doing roadwork or such, do a quick check. County vehicle? Jumpsuits? Multiple "workers"? Remember, misdirection works because they give you just enough to let your own mind fill in the details you expect to see. Strap on that supersoaker and charge them. Spray them with your human essence. I guarantee that you'll instantly scatter them in a panic to get away. And when they send reinforcements, probably in a different type of uniform - misdirection, remember? - greet them at your door with your supersoaker of righteousness as well.

Let me know how this works out for you, eh?

Posted by: Ted at 08:25 AM | category: Links
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Hauntingly beautiful ice photography. Thanks to the Flea for pointing this one out.

Posted by: Ted at 06:18 AM | category: Links
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This is the best post I have ever read. Anywhere. Ever.

Posted by: Ted at 12:50 PM | category: Links
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Here's a simple idea who's time has come. Visit five blogs you usually just lurk at, and leave a comment. Visit three blogs you've never been to before and leave a comment. Even if it's just "Hi, it's Leave A Comment Day", that's fine. We are but fragile flowers who bask in showers of attention Everyone likes a little feedback, otherwise we feel like we're just talking to ourselves. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

(cross posted to Munuviana too)

Posted by: Ted at 06:07 AM | category: Links
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Over at Captain's Quarters, Ed says this:

There is a difference between an enemy and an opponent, a distinction lost on more than a few people on both sides of our necessary and beneficial political divide. Osama bin Laden, Abu Masab al-Zarqawi, and Mullah Omar are our enemies; John Kerry and John Edwards were our political opponents, but first they are our fellow Americans.

Remembering that, send good thoughts and prayers towards Mrs. Edwards, who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. My best wishes for a complete recovery.

Posted by: Ted at 07:56 PM | category: Links
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The unsinkable William Hung is back, this time with a CD full of Christmas music.

I actually heard one of the tracks this morning on the radio. Terrible, but not make-your-ears-bleed terrible. Lots of backup singers, which helps a lot.

Posted by: Ted at 06:08 AM | category: Links
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According to Maxim magazine, Comedy Central is coming out with a new animated show called "Drawn Together". Taking direct aim at "The Real World", the toon is populated with several stereotypical animated characters living together. You can now see what happens when ingenue Princess Clara meets urban rocker Foxxy Love (think Josie and the Pussycats).

Hint: there's a hot tub girl-on-girl kissing scene, complete with a Disney-like song "A Black Chick's Tongue In My Mouth."

Posted by: Ted at 08:01 PM | category: Links
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Eldritch rituals.

Santanic rituals.

Posted by: Ted at 06:10 AM | category: Links
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LeeAnn was commenter number 3000 and celebrated by doing cartwheels and splits.

Of course, it was inevitable that the batteries in my camera were dead. Story of my life.

Posted by: Ted at 06:01 AM | category: Links
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Where I work, we've got this one elevator that creaks and groans and is generally cranky. During the day, when things are busy, it's kinda fun to watch people's expressions when it shows up and they get on, because more than a few are convinced that their next ride will be a nonstop Express to the basement. Just for fun I've considered hanging a sign in there that explains that jumping up and down in a falling elevator is a myth.

In the wee hours of the morning, when I arrive, the damned thing is just plain creepy. About every third day it's the one that shows up when I press the up button. I never worry about the big plunge, because then it would be repaired or replaced, and it doesn't want that. It wants to bide it's time, and every once in a while, when no one is looking, it feeds. One person at a time.

Posted by: Ted at 05:21 AM | category: Links
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Go ahead, you know you want to. I promise, it's safe for work.

Awwwwwww.

Posted by: Ted at 07:48 PM | category: Links
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Whoooo! This is quickly becoming the Tidy Bowl 2004 for the Rockets. Jim of Snooze Button Dreams has two reasons to celebrate: first, he beat me this week even though one of his receivers was on a bye, and he found a new job. Looks like you can afford a lap dance or two to celebrate your gridiron prowess, my man.

At least I know he won't be getting a happy lap from the the Rocket Jones Hot Jets cheerleaders, because these ladies are much too classy for that (and if I'm wrong ladies, let me know via email. Confidentiality promised. This definitely does not apply to Mookie.)

Wegglywoo, of On the Beach at the End of the World!
Dawn of Dawn Enterprises!
Stevie, of Caught In The XFire!
Helen, of Everyday Stranger!
annika, of annika's journal!
Cindy, of Dusting My Brain!
Mookie, of MookieRiffic!
Denita, of Who Tends The Fires!
Lynn S., of Reflections in d minor!
Susie, of Practical Penumbra!
Blogoline, of Blogoline's Journal!
Gir, of Your Moosey Fate!
Tink, of Flitting Here and There!
Sarah, of Trying To Grok!
Kat, of Mostly Fluff!
Big Hair, of Left & Right!
Jennifer, of Jennifer's History and Stuff!
Heather, of Angelweave!
Margi, of Margi Lowry!
Nic, of Shoes, Ships, and Sealing Wax!
Lemur Girl, of... uh, Lemur Girl!
LeeAnn, of The Cheese Stands Alone!

So who's up for next week? The undefeated Fire Ants! That's ok, because it just makes it sweeter when I stomp you like a Dolphin stomps a Ram or like a Bengal stomps a Bronco.

Who's this King of Fools anyways?

Posted by: Ted at 05:59 AM | category: Links
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The new schedule is up.

Posted by: Ted at 06:10 AM | category: Links
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1 Still undefeated in the Jamboree!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at October 25, 2004 11:42 PM (OcLmo)

2 Just my luck that the Pengweenies are off to their worst start in my memory. And when they DO finally win one, it's against my second favorite and home team. At least we got to see the game. Sheesh!

I've had more of your logos on my page than my own.

Posted by: Catt at October 26, 2004 02:26 PM (UUS/P)

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I found this over at Eros Blog (not safe for work):

Posted by: Ted at 03:02 PM | category: Links
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Yesterday Mu.Nu went down thanks to some rather inexpertly applied maintenance to our server. This was not Pixy's fault, although when we were restored he apologized.

Pixy, you're doing a wonderful job here, and I hope you're having as much fun at it as we are who're enjoying the fruits of your labors. I'm sure you don't hear it often enough, but thank you.

Posted by: Ted at 06:03 AM | category: Links
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Over at the Ministry of Minor Perfidy, they're holding a "Guess the end of the election" contest. Head on over and make your guess for the date that all the post-election litigation nonsense will be settled.

Maybe it's just that I'm paying more attention this election cycle, but I already feel like I need a long hot decontaminating shower with a stiff scrub brush and plenty of disinfectant.

Scrub my back, I'll scrub yours?

Posted by: Ted at 05:21 AM | category: Links
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Very very funny. Thanks to Publicola for the pointer.

Posted by: Ted at 05:55 AM | category: Links
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In recent Jamboree news, my Cleveland Barons held a 3-1 lead midway through the second period, and wound up losing to the Milwaukee Admirals 4-3 in OT. For Brian J and Frinklin, I now have their logos up top. This has been a mediocre sports year for Rocket Jones. Thank goodness I'm not a Yankees fan.

Posted by: Ted at 04:31 AM | category: Links
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Don Cherry, that is.

A while back, the Meatriarch talked about a poll going on up in the Great White North to pick the 10 Greatest Canadians of all time.

The list has come out, and to the dismay of many, the combustible Don Cherry made the list.

Debbye has the details, and just for the record, I'm grinning.

Posted by: Ted at 12:24 PM | category: Links
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For first time visitors or those who are trying to figure out what this "blog" stuff is all about, I've added a new button over at the top right. Click on "Introduction and Help" and you'll get the nickel tour of Rocket Jones and blogs in general.

Thanks to the online Button Generator for the pretty cool service.

Posted by: Ted at 10:24 AM | category: Links
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