The list over on the right column shortened up again. This doesn't mean I no longer read those folks, it means that I go to my links roster to get to them. It's at the top of my links section, titled "All the cool people and places".

Nobody was permanently removed, but two more were added. Welcome to Denita and Eric of Who Tends the Fires, and StMack of Hold the Mayo. Both good reads, and the reason I didn't list them before is because... uh... giant spiders were living under my keyboard. Yep.

Posted by: Ted at 08:15 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Is anybody really surprised? more...

Posted by: Ted at 01:01 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Dallas beat Philadelphia. Oakland lost to Cleveland.

Today, Paul was right, and Stevie is happy. But sweetie (Stevie, not Paul), the Cowboys will never be cool.

Posted by: Ted at 12:14 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Mmmmm...Troy Aikman. Huh? What?

Posted by: Jennifer at October 13, 2003 08:58 AM (rZmE1)

2 Baby of COURSE we can be friends, even if you are a slave to fashion. I myself am

But the Cowboys will always be cool.

Posted by: H at October 13, 2003 11:04 AM (tdh2z)

3 Fine...but the only reason the Cowboys will never be cool is because that would be a few steps down from what they are now which is 'so-far-beyond- cool-that-there-isn't-even-a-word-for-it'.

So there, nannie-nannie-neener. (I'm not callin' ya anything bad, there. Just stick your thumbs in your ears and wave your fingers while you say that to get the full effect. 'Kay?)

Posted by: Stevie at October 13, 2003 06:41 PM (iX4r3)

4 Stevie and I are going to get along just...fine....!

Posted by: H at October 14, 2003 03:05 AM (ADrg6)

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Ever watch it? It beats infomercials.

Posted by: Ted at 12:13 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Mary Zorn is a student at Texas A&M University. She's also one of the world's best archers using a compound bow, winning the 2003 World Outdoor Archery Championships and setting five new World Records. Just how good is she?

According to Sports Illustrated, at the world championships some of the targets had tiny cameras in the dead center of the bullseye. From 70 yards away, she shot an arrow directly into the lens and exploded the camera. Twice. An official gave her one of the cameras as a souvenier and the shots were replayed constantly during the matches.

Posted by: Ted at 03:14 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Ever wonder where Gummybears come from? (not work safe)

Posted by: Ted at 02:46 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Be nice, I know what you're thinking.

A while back I spent a week thrashed by an infection that started with a broken molar. Well, today I'm starting the sequel. I've been trying to wait until after the new year to get some dental work taken care of, but it looks like I'm going to need another tooth pulled and another round of heavy-duty antibiotics ASAP. This time it's on the other side of my mouth, and it's a tooth that hasn't bothered me before, although the dentist agreed that it needs to come out. It started to hurt pretty good yesterday, and this morning the swelling has started. I'll be calling the dentist in a little bit for an appointment and (most importantly) drugs.

This is two three-day weekends in a row that this has happened. I'm a creature of habit, but this is getting ridiculous.

Posted by: Ted at 08:24 AM | category: Square Pegs
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This guy tells the story of waking up one night to the sound of a breaking window. He investigates and sees an armed man in his house. Go read the rest.

Thanks to Kelley for the link.

Posted by: Ted at 08:11 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Not only that, but he's a whining baby with a dark past. I guess I should be more careful since he's got Michele and God on his side (not necessarily in that order). I've never been one to take the hint and lay low, so here you go Bill, all the freakin' linkage you've been begging for.

I've got the goods on you, pal. You're living a lie and I have proof that you're not the wild-assed party animal you pretend to be on the internet. Photographic evidence exists in the extended entry. more...

Posted by: Ted at 09:05 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 But which one is he?

Posted by: LeeAnn at October 10, 2003 09:52 AM (HxCeX)

2 That is the absolute BEST!

That's gonna be hard to top!

Posted by: Paul at October 10, 2003 09:56 AM (Od2zJ)

3 Who's that with Chip? I mean Bill? His altar boy?

Posted by: John at October 10, 2003 10:01 AM (GuDvW)

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I once had the honor of being the narrator for this ceremony in remembrance of American POW/MIA's. It's incredibly moving and if you ever get the opportunity to see it, I highly recommend it.

Another wonderful one to see is a formal Flag Disposal.

Contact your local VFW or American Legion for information about patriotic events and ceremony's in your area.

Posted by: Ted at 07:37 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Bill sucks 18% more now that's he's shovelled a year's worth of crapola at the unwary.

Posted by: Ted at 05:35 AM | category: Square Pegs
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No, not Arnold. Not me either. I'm talking about that very first exposure to practical and organized politics: Student Council. Hall monitor and roll call runner were small potatoes, and the playground pecking order paled in comparison to the enormity of this decision unceremoniously thrust upon thousands of unprepared freshmen.

Composed of the popularity contest winners, the brainiacs who needed it to pad their college resume's, and the pie-in-the-sky dreamers who actually thought they would be able to make changes in an adult-dominated system, the Student Council never interested me. I just couldn't see the import of whether we should have both coke and pepsi machines in the school and other such trivial crapola.

What got me started thinking about this is that Mookie* has been approached to run for Student Council, and apparently has some rather wide-spread support. She acknowleges that it would look good on college applications, but doesn't seem all fired up at the prospect. She's too cynical and sarcastic to take it seriously, and despite what I said above, it should be taken seriously precisely because it's the first exposure to real-world politics. Ignore the results and study the process in action.

Why Mookie? It seems that there are some subtle things at work here, beyond the generalizations I made earlier about who runs and why. She's not cliquish, so she doesn't automatically get the popularity vote, but that group knows her from her work with Homecoming and Drama projects. Even the groups she doesn't hang around with (or can't stand) are at least on nodding terms in the hallway because she makes it a point to be civil to everyone. Her attitude is that she doesn't have to like someone to work with them on school projects, and I like to think she learned that from me.

She does have that snotty and sly sense of humor though, which apparently is part of her appeal. She apologizes to people who have no idea that she insulted them just a few minutes before, because they didn't get the joke. It's kind of like Dennis Miller running for President under the "I'm OK, You're Romulus or Remus (not that it matters)" slogan.

She really has no time or interest in this right now, but if she did, I'd suggest making her campaign slogan "I Am Not A Crook." Once elected, find out who voted for her, round them up and shoot them. Because nothing is more dangerous than the arrogant intelligentsia.

Oui.

* Mookie is my teenaged daughter and blogger-at-large. She's the last one at home, her older brother and sister already having escaped the asylum flown the coop left the nest.

Posted by: Ted at 05:23 AM | category: Square Pegs
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The mother of an employee who killed several co-workers before taking his own life is filing for workers' compensation because her son lost his life in the workplace.

Isn't that like the boy on trial for murdering his parents, and asking for clemency because he's an orphan?

Posted by: Ted at 05:27 PM | category: Square Pegs
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I haven't done the promised 'Stevie' special edition of the Google Junket, and I haven't done a 'Rocketing Around' in a while, but I did warn y'all that things get hectic for me around the start of Uncle Sam's fiscal year.

Not an excuse, just the reason.

Posted by: Ted at 12:45 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Dave Barry has inconvenienced the Telemarketers yet again. The whole story is a riot, but here's the most important bit.

Call the American Telemarketing Association at the number above and try to sell them on the idea that calling us to sell us stuff isn't such a great idea.

Posted by: Ted at 07:37 AM | category: Square Pegs
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A British scientist has calculated the optimum thickness for a slice of cheese to make the perfect cheese sandwich.

Being the mildly lecherous soul that I am, I'd further suggest that the perfect cheese sandwich would be served by LeeAnn in a french maid outfit with an ice-cold beer and a napkin containing one of her weird and wonderful little artwork discoveries.

It is cheese ya know.

Posted by: Ted at 12:21 PM | category: Square Pegs
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All right, the draft is done and I got a chance to see what my team looks like. I'll just start off listing a few names I recognize. I'll have to do some digging for some player info, because the roster is deep and I've never been in a fantasy hockey league before.

Centers: Mats Sundin (Totonto) and Olie Jokinen (Florida) are my main guns here. I've heard of three of the four other centers on the roster. Not too shabby.

Wingers: Brendan Shanahan (Detroit), Miroslav Satan (Buffalo), Anson Carter (NY Rangers) and Tie Domi (Toronto) up front. I also have former Cap Chris Simon, when did he join the Rangers? The rest of my wingers are a mystery to me.

Defense: This doesn't look good. Local boy Jason Doig (Capitals) is the only name I know except for Radek Martinek (NY Islanders) and Nolan Baumgartner (Pittsburgh), and both those teams were horrible last year.

Goal: A good goalie can make all the difference. Unfortunately the closest I have to a good goalie is Robert Esche (Philadelphia). I'm going to have to do some homework on the backups, because I don't know anything about either of them. Other than that they aren't named Nabokov or Hasek or Joseph or Kolzig or...

Interestingly, Doig is the only member of the Caps on my team, and I have zero Sharks. It looks like I have more Phoenix Coyotes than anything else, so maybe some Gretsky magic will rub off on the team.

I won't obsess about this, but I'll occasionally mention when I accidentally do something right or something comically stupid. Advice gladly accepted.

Posted by: Ted at 12:01 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Over at Everyday Stranger (welcome to Munuviana!), H waxes philosophically about foreskin.

The muse wanders in...

Did you hear about the new wallet made of elephant foreskin?
Rub it a little and it turns into a garment bag.

...how about...

A Texas cowboy is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the cowboy just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy".

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The cowboy takes a slow swig from his long-neck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

...the muse wanders out, where a crowd of people await to administer a vicious beating.

Posted by: Ted at 08:11 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Funky-jive-joke-stealer

Posted by: Kyle at October 07, 2003 02:28 PM (ULW3r)

2 I only steal from the best.

Posted by: Ted at October 07, 2003 03:22 PM (ULW3r)

3 I heard a variation of that joke years ago, except it was a wallet that turned into a suitcase when you stroked it! LMAO.

Good One!

Posted by: The Bartender at October 07, 2003 10:07 PM (HLJ65)

4 Dear Gawd....

Posted by: Stevie at October 08, 2003 12:50 PM (cJpPP)

5 In the 1890s an American was travelling through eastern Europe by train. He had to change trains in Krakow, Poland. There was a wait of a couple of hours so the American had a nice lunch and then took a walk. During this walk he noticed that his pocket watch was off time so he went into a small shop with several watches hanging in the window.
An elderly Jewish man met him at the counter and the American asked if he could fix his watch while he waited.
The Jew explained that he did not repair watches.
The American then asked if he could buy a watch.
The Jew answered that he did not sell watches.
The American, confused asked the elderly Jew what he did and why did he have all those watches hanging in the window.
The Jew explained that he was the town Rabbi and that he performed the ritual circumcisions.
Then the Jew asked, so, what would YOU hang in the window?
That's the worst foreskin joke ever. Everyone should know it. When someone won't stop talking to you, say on a plane when you want to nap, tell that joke. They'll leave you alone.

Posted by: Peter at October 10, 2003 11:10 AM (PbT+r)

6 ROFL great one!

Posted by: Ted at October 10, 2003 10:58 PM (2sKfR)

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The hombre over at Sanity's Edge is a Dallas Cowboys fan. This means that he cheers for scissors-stabbing, dope-smuggling, cattle-molesting criminals who wear silver and blue instead of orange jumpsuits.

South America's Team. "Why yes officer, this two hundred pounds of pot is for my personal consumption."

And he called me delusional. Hah! As (in your words) a blaspheming non-believer, let me do a careful and detailed analysis on your beloved Dallas Cowboys and their play so far this season.

Let's start with an overview. First off, the Dallas Cowboys suck.

The hell with detailed analysis. The above says it all. Don't push me Paul, I'm a Raiders fan.

Posted by: Ted at 01:43 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Chocolate Bill Cookies.

Posted by: Ted at 12:26 PM | category: Square Pegs
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