My wife reached under the sink, grabbed the Febreze upholstery freshener and spritzed the entire main floor. When she went to put the bottle away, she realized that she'd accidentally grabbed the Windex.

Posted by: Ted at 10:11 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Chutzpah! With a heaping helping of poetic justice.

Me: So you snuck into the bar to drink even though you were under the legal age.

Plaintiff: Yeth.

Me: And an older gentleman bought drinks from the bar and gave them to you all night long, so that nobody would find out that you were underage.

Plaintiff: Yeth.

Me: And you were... let's see... almost three times over the legal limit for operating a motor vehicle when you left the bar.

Plaintiff: Yeth.

Me: And in the parking lot, you climbed up onto a pickup truck's tailgate, at which point you passed out and fell face first to the pavement. The impact shattered your teeth, lips and gums.

Plaintiff: Yeth.

Me: Wow-

Plaintiff's lawyer: YOUR HONOR, I OBJECT!!! He's going to call my client "stupid".

Judge: Sustained.

Me: Your honor, "stupid" is a given. However, "graceful" isn't.

Posted by: Ted at 05:31 AM | category: Square Pegs
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iPod lawsuit.

Me: You never realized that piping music directly into your ear at high volume could damage your hearing?

Plaintiff: No.

Me: Wow. You're stupid.

Posted by: Ted at 05:12 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 And weren't the Sony Walkmen out looong before the iPods? Gee, I never realized that blasting Aerosmith on my JBLs in the 70s could hurt my hearing! And how about the boom cars now? I sit in traffic next to those and my hearing is affected. I want mah money. Heh.

Posted by: dogette at March 30, 2006 10:48 AM (0ckUk)

2 That's right dogette, I remember back in the 80's blasting Iron Maiden's "Number of the Beast" loud enough through my earbuds that people around me were annoyed. We could get some big time back pay from these audio companies in a multi-company multinational class action lawsuit!

sheesh

Posted by: Oorgo at March 30, 2006 11:15 AM (lM0qs)

3 Yeah, it must be really annoying when people play their radios/ipods/walkmans/whatever so loud that you can actually make out the song they're listening to. Good thing I'm deaf.

Posted by: Tuning Spork at March 30, 2006 09:48 PM (uo59e)

4 You could be a lawyer. You'd just have to remember to say, "Wow. You're stupid" really LOUD.

Posted by: Jim - PRS at March 31, 2006 04:05 AM (njBz/)

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Putting a roll cage on your jeep impresses the ladies.

Painting a roll pattern on your jeep, not so much.

Posted by: Ted at 09:13 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Posted by: Ted at 01:35 PM | category: Square Pegs
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A pop up ad for weight loss surgery.

What they envision:

Dude, you mean I can get ready for the Summer beach trips *and* save big bucks doing it? I am so there!

Reality: posts like this.

Posted by: Ted at 01:25 PM | category: Square Pegs
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I was griping last weekend about my personal head-start on the Summer cold season. I spent all weekend in bed, managed to work a half day Monday but felt lousy enough to take Tuesday off. Yesterday I cried uncle and called the doctor because the sore throat just wasn't getting better, and left work early today for the appointment.

Turns out I have Tracheitis, which is kind of a bacterial infection that settles into the windpipe instead of going north to become a sinus infection, or south to become bronchitis. I'm running a slight fever (which I didn't realize), and antibiotics have been prescribed. It's a good thing I went in, because this stuff can cause enough swelling to block off the airway.

It's supposed to rain and snow tonight. I've already let work know I'm probably not going in tomorrow.

My wife told me to quit whining. I called her Nurse Ratchet. Bad move.

Posted by: Ted at 06:54 PM | category: Square Pegs
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And lo, the worker was given to construct a vehicle to convey information, and it was simple. Yet he toiled mightily, said vehicle being tossed to and fro amongst the waves of conflicting priorities.

And the worker was chastised for the delay.

From on high, the original requester was given to using faulty logic, as explained by Werner Von Braun:

"Crash programs fail because they are based on theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby in a month."

And when the duplication of effort was discovered, it was also revealed that the worker now had two conflicting sets of instructions to accomplish said task.

And the worker was chastised for the delay.

So with patience and fresh resolve, he worked with the requester to define the precise requirements and once achieved, set them into stone.

Three times.

When the requester said, "it would lighten my heart to see an adjustment made to the headlights," the worker did adjust the headlights and looked and saw that it was good.

And the requester looked upon it and said, "that is good, but those are not the headlights that needed adjustment." Upon which the requester pointed to the tires.

And the worker was chastised for the delay.

And lo, finally the vehicle was complete and ready for testing. When the worker discovered a blind-spot in a mirror, he brought it up to the requester, so that the worker might truthfully say that the task was thoroughly accomplished.

And the requester said, "a problem that will not be, just make it work like this other vehicle," upon which the requester pointed towards a shoe.

And the worker will be chastised for the delay.

Posted by: Ted at 07:22 PM | category: Square Pegs
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It's been a beautiful weekend, and I'm down with a big-time cold.

Posted by: Ted at 10:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Rocket Jones is number 2 on the Google search for "how to meet a guy in the grocery store".

Number 1 is "The Best Places to Meet Gay Men".

I'm not sure what to think about that.

Posted by: Ted at 07:15 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Bosses are "visionary".

Peons are "hallucinatory".

Posted by: Ted at 08:43 AM | category: Square Pegs
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To all those cheering the "defeat" of President Bush on his stupid idea to let Dubai run American seaports, I have only one thing to say:

Dubya just made you his bitch.

Now Dubai will sell their interest to an American company. A company owned, no doubt, by a wealthy friend of President Bush. Meaning one of his rich friends just got a whole lot richer. And you asked... no, you demanded it. Just like he planned all along.

If it's Halliburton, I will laugh until I cry.

Posted by: Ted at 12:14 PM | category: Square Pegs
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They found the body.

Note: If this offends you, I don't want to hear it. Go burn down an embassy or something.

Posted by: Ted at 11:27 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Ted,I'd probably find it a bit easier to get pissed off if I knew just what the hell you where getting at.

Posted by: Russ at March 08, 2006 09:58 PM (ObxzR)

2 [comment removed]

just another type of spam - RJ

Posted by: thepoetryman at March 09, 2006 12:12 AM (ySD0r)

3 From what I heard he got hooked up with Mary Magdelan and they blew that popsicle stand.

Posted by: Oorgo at March 09, 2006 02:05 PM (lM0qs)

4 Bwahahahahahahahaa

Posted by: BLUE at March 10, 2006 10:33 AM (4Xncc)

5 LMAO!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at March 10, 2006 02:10 PM (p0BT1)

6 Have I told you lately that I love you?

Posted by: Susie at March 14, 2006 12:54 PM (a0oF7)

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I'm admittedly biased because I'm a Giants fan and a Barry Bonds fan, but this latest rash of headlines about Bonds starting to use "a vast array" of performance enhancing drugs in 1998 is bullshit.

The book was written by two newspaper reporters who covered the BALCO steroid scandal. Their sources? Nothing new, just the same trial transcripts, interviews and other documents that Major League Baseball, Congress and law enforcement authorities have had all along. And, you know, Bonds is soooo busted by what's there.

Not.

This is a rehash of old information, hyped to boost book sales. Does Barry Bonds have a history of cheating? I have no idea, but I do know that up to this point, despite numerous investigations and allegations, no one has been able to prove a thing.

Two "reporters" trash someone's name in order to make a buck. What a surprise.

Posted by: Ted at 05:15 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Bashing Barry Bonds Brings Boffo Book Buying

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at March 08, 2006 07:36 AM (DdRjH)

2 Yeah, ruin my asymmetrical title will you?

Posted by: Ted at March 08, 2006 05:25 PM (+OVgL)

3 You are kidding, right? Look at any photo of pre-1998 Bonds and one from 2000-2003. It's not the same player.

Posted by: j. dylan at March 08, 2006 05:28 PM (s4AvR)

4 Like I said, nobody knows for sure. But instead of cherry picking photos 3-5 years apart, try this. Look at a spring training photo from every year of his career. He went from a skinny kid to a muscular man, and it wasn't over a brief period of time either. Bonds works hard with weights all year round, and he's had a personal trainer for years. Does that mean he didn't take steroids? No. But it means that there is another possibility. He might be telling the truth.

Posted by: Ted at March 08, 2006 05:56 PM (+OVgL)

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I was sad when Kirby Puckett was forced to retire from baseball because glaucoma made him blind in one eye. I'm stunned that he's passed away at age 44 from a stroke.

Thank you, Kirby, for all the joy you displayed on the field, and for showing us all that you could be great and still have fun playing the game.

Posted by: Ted at 09:09 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Eat a live bug every morning when you wake up, and nothing worse will happen to you all day long.

Posted by: Ted at 05:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
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70's music.

Do you remember back in old L.A. (Oh, oh, oh)

When everybody drove a Chevrolet (Oh, oh, oh)

Whatever happened to the boy next door

The sun-tanned, crew-cut, All-American male?

Disco. Bee Gees. Tavares. Donna Summer.

Beach baby, beach baby, give me your hand

Give me something that I can remember

Just like before we can walk by the shore in the moonlight.

The radio was filled with cheesy fun like Carl Douglas singing about Kung Fu Fighting and Paper Lace telling us about The Night Chicago Died. Disco Duck. Rubberband Man.

Beach baby, beach baby, there on the sand

From July to the end of September

Surfin' was fun we'd be out in the sun every day.

The Sound of Philadelphia. Average White Band. Wild Cherry. Tower of Power.

Ooooh, I never thought that it could end

Ooooh, and I was everybody's friend

Long hot days

Blue sea haze

Jukebox plays

But now it's fading away

Rick James. Sly and the Family Stone. Earth, Wind & Fire. Marvin Gaye.

We couldn't wait for graduation day (Oh, oh, oh)

We took the car and drove to San Jose (Oh, oh, oh)

That's where you told me that you'd wear my ring

I guess you don't remember anything.

Johnny Cash. Loretta Lynn. Marty Robbins.

Surfin' was fun we'd be out in the sun every day.

Black Sabbath. Robin Trower.

California in the 70's. Freakin' paradise.

Posted by: Ted at 08:39 AM | category: Square Pegs
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You drive straight stretches like Shirley Muldowney and you weave in and out of traffic like the Keystone Kops. The fact that you drive a Prius decorated with Habitat for Humanity and Save the Bay stickers doesn't make you an environmentally-conscientious world citizen.

It makes you a clueless prick.

Posted by: Ted at 05:27 AM | category: Square Pegs
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On my way home from work this afternoon I stopped at the grocery store. Now normally I enjoy grocery shopping because I like to cook almost as much as I like to eat. The store I usually go to is pretty good, mainly because it's very convenient to get in and out. But it also seems to be a magnet for the mentally ill.

When it's nice out, there's one old nut-lady who sits out front and chatters away at everyone who comes and goes. Occasionally she'll wander inside and count the carts.

A very occasional visitor is "the preacher", who will try his best to strike up a conversation with you, which quickly turns religious. Come along about the second sentence you direct at him, he starts slipping random items into your cart. The first time he did this to me, I asked him what he was doing, and he explained that a good christian man like myself wouldn't begrudge a few groceries to someone in need. I had to laugh because he just grabs whatever is closest and acts like you'll never notice what he's doing. That day he caught me in a mixed-goods aisle and he wanted me to buy him a bottle of maple syrup, a potholder, dental floss and a home pregnancy test. He always blesses you, even when you make him take his stuff out of your cart.

Today was the first time I met the new loon. He's a tall thin guy, and at first I mistook him for a regular customer. He came in as I was headed towards the checkout lanes, and got in line behind me holding a bottle of wine. The lines were all hosed up because someone called in sick and someone couldn't stay late to cover and all that happy nonsense that you get when you try to manage a workforce comprised of motivated (hah!) high school dropouts confronted with that inexplicable rush at shift change. Next thing you know, wine-loon is in the managers face about opening up more registers because (as he grandly swept his arm around to include us all), there were important people waiting, and he should treat his customers better. I had to laugh.

The manager grabbed the wine from the loon and shoo'd him out. He came right back in, still incensed about the lines, and this time followed by lady-nut, who was scolding him for bothering people. They were escorted back outside (gently and nicely, kudos to the manager). When I left, lady-nut was on the pay phone (she spends hours talking to herself) and the loon was taking all the carts from the front of the store and neatly putting them in the cart-corral at the farthest end of the parking lot.

Hilarious.

Posted by: Ted at 05:12 PM | category: Square Pegs
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I was cutting fin slots in the new rocket's airframe last night, using a Dremel with a brand new fiberglass reinforced cutting wheel, and as the disk whined it's way through the tubing it occurred to me that the noise was probably exactly like what running a frozen cat through a band saw would sound like.

Posted by: Ted at 05:19 AM | category: Square Pegs
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