Be safe tonight, and here's hoping that everyone has their dreams come true in 2004.

Posted by: Ted at 07:55 AM | category: Square Pegs
No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 21 words, total size 1 kb.

For many years I had the following framed and hanging on the wall by my desk at work. Since I almost always work one-man projects, it served to amuse the occasional user who wandered in while simultaneously explaining my somewhat eccentric work habits.

Every programmer has some experience with bodily abuse. Sooner or later, all of us do things to ourselves we wouldn't admit to Mom. Most of the time we say we're provoked by circumstances: whether it's the representative from your client's company -- a not pleasant man who looks a lot like Herman Munster, breathing heavily on your neck -- or some towering, unstoppable endorphin rush that threatens to rip your medulla out of its socket if you don't code up that monstro algorithm RIGHT NOW and forget about your wedding. We generally attribute our protracted binges to some external force.



This attitude bespeaks a hideous wrong-headedness among programmers. We seem to get some masochistic pleasure out of responding to pressure by sitting in front of our machines until our fingernails are too long to type. Our eyes get varicose veins. We run fingers through our hair until we get split ends. We drool. Why?



Because, the deluded among us would answer, we have to. Some specter is chaining us to our chairs, making strangers of our families, removing us from the throb of humanity. It's not a pretty job, we sigh nobly, but someone has to do it. This is, as my sister used to say, pompous fudge-cakes.



We do it because we like it.

I never knew where that came from, I don't even remember where I got it from. Continuing my one-man quest to convince humanity that 'Google is your friend', I managed to find the truth. And in a Paul Harvey-ish twist, it turns out that there's a 'rest of the story' too. more...

Posted by: Ted at 06:42 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 466 words, total size 3 kb.

Yepper, it's time for another lame Rocket Jones contest! Once again, everyone has the chance to wax poetic in their peculiar particular fashion, and since there's no prize, everybody wins!

So go into the extended entry, put on your thinking caps, and caption the photo. Yes, I ripped the idea off from Kevin at Wizbang!, who got it from someone else, who got it from... you know how it goes. I'm not a bible-readin' man, otherwise we could be sitting here begattin' for quite awhile.

And just in case this isn't enough fun in your dreadfully hum-drum life, go help Mr. Helpful rig an online poll. Do it for the children his kid. Do it for Rock'n'Roll!

I just reread this... can you tell I only got a couple hours of sleep last night? Sorry, I get goofy when I'm tired. (Shut up Mookie, comments from the rest of the peanut gallery will be tolerated). more...

Posted by: Ted at 08:54 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 167 words, total size 1 kb.

It's monday, the 29th of December, and the carton of eggnog in the refrigerator at work is now officially over a year past its expiration date.

I ain't touching it, not even to throw it out.

Posted by: Ted at 06:29 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 40 words, total size 1 kb.

The big red round dude was good to me this Christmas. In the 'things I need' category was a new pocketwatch, since mine went kaput earlier this month. I also scored the books Seabiscuit and Footfall, some cooking goodies, and DVD's including October Sky (the only remotely rocket-related gift), John Wayne's The Cowboys, and a cool little four-pack of crappy horror movies that include such schlock classics as Psychomania, Blood Tide, Horror Express - The Enigma, and my favorite: The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave.

Posted by: Ted at 09:05 AM | category: Square Pegs
No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 91 words, total size 1 kb.

Mookie brought home a nasty cold from school last week, and within days Liz caught it from her. Yesterday evening I started feeling lousy, and now I'm in the middle of it too.

She's grounded.

Posted by: Ted at 05:37 PM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 37 words, total size 1 kb.

Merry Christmas or your holiday of choice. Here's hoping you have a great day, a wonderful New Year, and a prosperous 2004 to us all!

You've seen the BK guy ("ding, fries are done"), the Eat'nPark Christmas tree commercial, and by now you've seen "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" (the Champagne Room remix). Here's a tacky and tasteless holiday carol in flash format that might be new to you.

Or maybe you're dreaming of a White Trash Christmas...

Posted by: Ted at 10:18 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 82 words, total size 1 kb.

I just wanted everyone to know that I took the time to compile an extensive list of online friends that I wanted to send e-cards to for the holidays. Then, like most guys, I gave the list to my wife to take care of for me and forgot all about it.

So did she, so if you didn't get a card from us, blame her.

Posted by: Ted at 10:42 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 67 words, total size 1 kb.

Because of recent events, Santa now has to go through a more thorough FAA "Flight Safety and Emergency Certification" inspection. On the appointed day, he greets the inspector, and they chat about the new rules and regulations imposed.

Just like they do every year, the FAA inspector looks over Santa's maintenance records, then they go out and do a walk-around of the sleigh. He checks for loose runners, makes sure the reins aren't dry-rotted, asks more questions about what to do during this or that emergency situation, and just generally being more thorough than the normal annual inspection.

Finally, it's time for the check ride, and Santa gets in the sleigh. He's a little alarmed when the FAA inspector climbs aboard with his clipboard and a rifle. Santa immediately inquires about the weapon.

"Well," says the FAA inspector, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're going to suffer an engine failure during take off."

Posted by: Ted at 08:11 AM | category: Square Pegs
No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 170 words, total size 1 kb.

Happy Holidays! ** (see Footnote 1 in the extended entry) more...

Posted by: Ted at 05:28 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 297 words, total size 2 kb.

The New York Islanders held a promotion where anyone dressed as Santa Claus got free admission to the hockey game last night against their crosstown rival New York Rangers.

Between periods, the Santas were ushered on to the ice, at which point two of them opened up their suits to display NY Ranger sweaters underneath. In a display of old fashioned hockey tradition, both Santas were jumped by the rest, knocked down and stripped of the offending uniforms.

The fight lasted nearly nine minutes, and several normally-dressed fans joined in from the stands. Geez, I love hockey!

Posted by: Ted at 05:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 109 words, total size 1 kb.

Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Why A Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Man

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

Posted by: Ted at 08:06 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 253 words, total size 1 kb.

Hey Daniel, if you thought the Atari classic joystick full of games was cool, check out this one: the Intellivision 25!

My neighbor had an Intellivision, and I always wanted one. Way beyond our newlywed budget at the time, they had some nifty games that were more strategy-oriented than the (still fun) Atari shoot-em-ups.

I'll post a review of it in the near future.

Posted by: Ted at 06:24 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 71 words, total size 1 kb.

According to Sports Illustrated, for the first time since 1954 no football teams from New York or California will make the playoffs.

Obviously the republicans control the NFL, vindictive bastards.

Posted by: Ted at 11:17 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 36 words, total size 1 kb.

Over at the Ministry of Minor Perfidy, Johno points out what may very well be the best week in the history of rock and roll.

Check out the Billboard Chart for December 20, 1969:

No. 1, "Abbey Road," the Beatles
No. 2, "Led Zeppelin II," Led Zeppelin
No. 3, "Tom Jones Live in Las Vegas," Tom Jones
No. 4, "Green River," Creedence Clearwater Revival
No. 5, "Let It Bleed," the Rolling Stones
No. 6, "Santana," Santana
No. 7, "Puzzle People," the Temptations
No. 8, "Blood Sweat & Tears," Blood Sweat & Tears
No. 9, "Crosby, Stills & Nash," Crosby, Stills & Nash
No. 10, "Easy Rider" soundtrack (featuring the Byrds, the Jimi Hendrix Experience, and Steppenwolf)

Right there, you have the soundtrack to one kick ass roadtrip.

Posted by: Ted at 08:39 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 141 words, total size 1 kb.

Guys, you should go with your wife when she has to visit her gynocologist. It's fun to sit in the waiting room and without doing a thing, make every female there uncomfortable as hell. Kind of an implied 'I know what you're here for' thing. Plus, you get to catch up on your chicks magazine reading.

***

My wife was outraged the other evening when I told my daughters that they should do more phone sex. Things calmed down after I outlined "Dad's Definition of Phone Sex":

phone rings, daughter picks up: hello?

boy on other end of line: hey, wanna chill?

daughter: SCREW YOU!

after which daughter immediately slams phone down.

Us dads don't get enough credit for thinking outside the box.

***

If you're drowning in estrogen around the house, get a male dog. Nothing is more 'guy' than a puppy humping everything in sight or licking himself in the middle of the floor. Never ever let a women talk you into getting him fixed.

***

A while back Nic said this in my comments:

"Your love for and commitment to your family comes through in every post."

That's a very sweet thing to say, and I thank you for it. I think it also explains why I have such a hard time meeting women on the side.

Posted by: Ted at 08:04 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 238 words, total size 1 kb.

Please notice the St. Louis Blues logo up in the corner. The Blues beat my beloved San Jose Sharks last night, so in accordance with the rules of our inter-Munuvian Hockey Whoopass Jamboree, I'll be displaying the logo of Heather's favorite team for the next day or so.

Look for the next installment of the Build It series this weekend. We'll be attaching the fins to the rocket and starting the recovery system.

Oh yeah, I got two pretty good wishes in the comments, but that's all? C'mon people.

Posted by: Ted at 10:27 PM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 95 words, total size 1 kb.

I'm even stealing Kevin's title for this one. Michael Jackson is joining Louis Farrakhan's Nation of Islam.

Jehovah's Witnesses all over the world are thanking God. Jacko was starting to give them a bad name.

Posted by: Ted at 12:28 PM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 39 words, total size 1 kb.

While reading SilverBlue, I found this pointer to Bill, who posted the most disgusting bit of alleged humor I've seen in a long time. Of course I laughed like a maniac the whole time.

And oddly enough, it was the second 'tampon related' discussion I'd been involved in today. It must be preordained or something, so here is my contribution to the string (pun intended).

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?

A: There's a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Posted by: Ted at 11:50 AM | category: Square Pegs
No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 99 words, total size 1 kb.

I’m one of those folks who listens to Christmas music on the radio. I found the local easy listening station, which has become the self-proclaimed “home for Christmas”, and that’s what plays on the way to work. I love singing along too. But I have a tip for musicians everywhere: there’s not a thing wrong with slow and solemn songs, but for God’s sake don’t turn an upbeat song into a dirge trying to make it ‘your own’.

Country Music Christmas songs fall into two categories: Trailer Trash Tunes and Treacly Tearjerkers. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer and Who Put the Dick on the Snowman are perfect examples of the first sort, and this years apparent winner in the sickly-sweet division is I Want To Buy Those Shoes for Mommy. You see, sheÂ’s going to meet Jesus tonight and she has to look good, so dad sent the kid out to get her new shoes. Barf.

Burger King has once again backed a loser, this time the Cat in the Hat movie. BK commercials in general are obnoxious, and adding the Cat into the mix just makes it worse. Tip time (I’m on a roll today): Next time you have an idea for an advertising campaign, throw it in the trash and do the exact opposite. My consulting fee for that wisdom is ½ of 1% of your advertising budget for next year. If that’s a problem, just dock Herb’s salary.

Lyndon LaRouche is running for president – again. The ad I heard this morning was a pip, even for him. This isn’t a perfect quote, because I’m probably off by a word or two, but the money words are exact: “If the Democratic Party excludes me, they. Will. Be. Destroyed. If the Democratic Party doesn’t include me this time, they are dead meat.” Wow, all the features of ‘Compassionate Conservatism’, except the compassion and conservatism.

In the military, I had to get a flue shot every year, and every year I’d get sick for a few days from the ‘live-virus’ vaccine. I haven’t had one since I got out over ten years ago, and I’ve had my butt kicked by the flu twice in that time.

The way it was explained to me, the makers of the vaccine take the two or three most common strains from the previous year and combine them into the next years vaccine, making an educated guess about whatÂ’s coming along next and hoping that the current strains will be close enough to the previous ones to provide some measure of immunity. ItÂ’s a crap shoot - possible to win, possible to lose badly.

So this year, flu season comes along early and kills some kids. Not to seem unfeeling, but the flu kills about a hundred kids a year, not to mention thousands of older folks. Maybe it was a slow news day or something, but the media has blown this so out of proportion that people are panicking. Now there are hours-long lines waiting to get one of the last hundred doses of vaccine at the local clinic, and then folks get pissed because their baby didnÂ’t get a shot. Why the hell didnÂ’t you get the kid vaccinated when it became available months ago? Shut the hell up. And itÂ’s not the governmentÂ’s fault. The vaccine companies made enough to cover normal demand (thousands of doses get thrown away unused each year), so donÂ’t blame them either. Just shut up.

Meanwhile the talking heads on the news show video clips of lines outside of clinics and horrifically sick kids while they whisper in voice-over “don’t panic”. You too, shut up. Mr. Green, your services are needed here.

HmmmmÂ… need to lighten up and end thisÂ…

Since my wife doesnÂ’t read my blog (and the girls know death awaits if they open their big mouths), IÂ’d like to publicly thank Daniel for pointing out this! I got one for Liz for Christmas (WalMart.com), and it looks like itÂ’s going to be fun.

Kickin' it old school, indeed.

* ‘Ripple Fire’ is a mode whereas multiple military rockets are launched at a (usually ground) target in rapid sequence. It’s similar to machine-gun fire, but with big booms at the receiving end.
I use the title for disjointed snippets and thoughts too short for their own posts.

Posted by: Ted at 08:03 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 729 words, total size 5 kb.