Mookie tried to buy an electric bike. Yesterday after work we re-packed it into the box, loaded it into the pickup and drove back to where she bought it. I was prepared for a fight, because there was a giant sticker on the box that said "Do Not Return To Retailer. Contact Manufacturer With Problems."

Bull. The damn thing was unusable right out of the box.

So I walked up to the Customer Service desk and told the friendly and helpful employee that I needed someone with a flatbed cart to go out to my truck and unload it, after which I wanted a refund. Then I handed him the receipt and a baggie full of broken lock pieces.

He started to make noises about the manufacturer, so I calmly and politely reminded him to call for someone with a cart to unload my truck, and asked to speak to a manager. I'm not going to waste my time dealing with him if he's not going to be immediately helpful.

I pulled the truck up in front of the store and helped two stock guys unload it onto a cart. One looks at the box and says, "Oh, it's a scooter."

I said, "No, it's a scooter-shaped piece of crap."

The guys take it inside while I go park the truck again, and Mookie hears this exchange:

Manager: "It's a scooter?"

Stock Guy: "According to him, it's a scooter-shaped piece of crap."

Five minutes later, we're walking out the door, all taken care of.

Posted by: Ted at 06:41 AM | category: Square Pegs
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There's a new low-carb dog food.

A new medical study shows that excessive protein in the diet can cause fertility "problems". The reporters I watched verbally danced around, desperately trying to not say "Atkins" or "low-carb", and implied that the "problems" involved conception. The details of the report that I heard sounded more like birth defect type "problems". Balance people, the key is balance.

"Morbidly Obese", isn't that a lovely medical term? I hearby street-slangify it to "Mo'Beast", as in, "That dude with the Mac in each hand? He is Mohhh' Beast!"

Word.

Posted by: Ted at 07:25 AM | category: Square Pegs
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"To err is human, to forgive, divine." -- Alexander Pope

I've humor to give in trade for sin. -- anagram of above

Posted by: Ted at 09:20 PM | category: Square Pegs
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I've been reading Percival Lowell's Mars, the seminal 1895 work. In it, the famed astronomer examines the planet with care and in detail, and despite classic use of logic and deduction, manages to get almost everything completely wrong. Such is science.

Anyways, in one passage Lowell states:

"...with about as much probability... as that a chance collection of numbers should take the form of the multiplication table."

Posted by: Ted at 04:57 AM | category: Square Pegs
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On the radio I heard an ad featuring a couple of voices who were 'obviously' black and urban. The product was those walkie-talkie phones, and the kicker line was, "your late-night bootie chirp".

Why is it that it's ok to air this kind of crap to make money, but if we use similar logic for security purposes it's denounced as racial profiling?

Posted by: Ted at 07:05 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Flipping the zippy, pounding yer pud, spanking the monkey, etc. Whatever you call it, it's all just snazzier ways of saying "male masturbation" (how sterile and clinical that sounds!). The first time I ever heard it called "choking your chicken" was in Basic Training, and it was one of our drill sergeant's favorite phrases.

I had a boss once who's still a very good friend. He was single, and made no bones about it - he beat off frequently. During our smoke breaks at work we'd get into some of the damndest conversations - "that older sister on The Wild Thornberry's, I bet she'd be a demon in bed" - and my boss would smile and say, "I've got to go be alone with myself now."

I used to tease him about it all the time. I'd tell him he jerked off so often that he kept a picture of his right hand in his wallet.

He used his left hand sometimes just so he could pretend he was with a stranger.

For him, foreplay was kissing and licking his fingers.

Got any good one-liners or anecdotes? Put 'em in the comments. Don't be shy, we all know it's stuff that's happened to your 'friend'. Uh-huh, sure.

And just to be crass, here's a related Helen Keller joke:

Q: Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she could moan with the other.

Posted by: Ted at 07:48 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Is William Hung the real-life equivalent of South Park's Timmy?

Posted by: Ted at 08:09 PM | category: Square Pegs
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As promised, we conducted an emergency test of the Remote NogWatch System. Here's the original no-notice alert sent to my good friend and occasional commenter Anonymous Kyle:

Kyle,
This is a test of the Remote Nog Watch Network. Please check on the nog when you get a chance and let me know the status. No hurry, no pressure, but millions of interested blog readers are sitting on the edge of their seats and gnawing their nails, wondering if this will work.

Godspeed,
Ted

Soon enough for government work, NogWarden Kyle reported back:

The Nog Stands Alone. Tell everyone that they can stop chewing thier toenails. Maybe our friend in the fridge could start it's own NogBlog.

So yeah, the Remote NogWatch System is a success. And I learned a couple of things: first, friends are important when you want to get things done, and second, it takes some real work to suck as bad as Bill.

Posted by: Ted at 05:25 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Other times you're the bug. Work has dominated my universe this week, so I haven't been around to visit my usual haunts, let alone post much interesting here. I am working on something cool, hopefully it'll be ready to go tomorrow evening.

For a complete change of pace, I'll tell you about my humdrum home life. Last weekend I'd planned to replace the attic fan motor, but as usual, not only couldn't I find one at the HumongousHardwareChain, but they've restocked the place with all new clerks who graduated surly cum laude.

So instead, I helped my neighbor replace his picket fence. Much use of manly power tools was made. He was kind enough to give me a new fan motor (he's in that line of work), so this afternoon Mookie and I braved the sauna of the attic and knocked that item off the honey-do list.

And that about sums up life this week. Things will calm down soon enough, and return to as near to normal as it ever gets.

Posted by: Ted at 07:34 PM | category: Square Pegs
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"T&A stands for 'Time and Attendance',
T&A stands for 'Time and Attendance',
T&A stands for 'Time and Attendance',
T&A stands for 'Time and -"

"Excuse me, Ted, did you have a question?"

"Oh. No, just making sure I have the terminology right."

Posted by: Ted at 06:43 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 I thought it stood for 'Tits and Ass'?

Posted by: Victor at June 24, 2004 08:11 AM (L3qPK)

2

I never use that term if I can help it. I call it a timesheet or by the form name and the software by it's name.

Posted by: jen at June 24, 2004 06:50 PM (UQLgi)

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JCL stands for Job Control Language, and it's been around since the 50's. It hasn't changed much over time, which means that computer jobs written decades ago still run perfectly today.

I'm (re)learning JCL as part of my new project, and here's a couple choice tidbits from the reference book:

"The role of JCL sounds complex and it is - JCL is downright difficult."

"This book will explain JCL, but it won't try to make you like it because JCL is not a likable language."

Posted by: Ted at 08:00 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Would you kill him in his bed?
Thrust a dagger through his head?
I would not, could not, kill the King.
I could not do that evil thing.
I would not wed this girl, you see.
Now get her to a nunnery.

Posted by: Ted at 04:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
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My first day was memorable in a quiet and unassuming kinda way. The drive home was hella traffic and I'm beat. More tomorrow after I work a more normal (for me) shift.

Goodnight.

PS: The new job is jes' ducky!

Posted by: Ted at 07:48 PM | category: Square Pegs
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A woman walks into a deli, points to a pepperoni and says, "I'll take that one."
The guy asks her, "Do you want that sliced thick or thin?"
She replies, "What do I look like, a piggy bank?"

Posted by: Ted at 05:13 AM | category: Square Pegs
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But this is huge:

In a joint statement at the conclusion of two days of talks in the Indian capital, officials said the dedicated secure hot line between the countries' foreign secretaries was intended to "prevent misunderstandings and reduce risks relevant to nuclear issues."

An existing hot line between directors-general of military operations in both countries also will be upgraded and secured, the statement said.

Posted by: Ted at 10:01 AM | category: Square Pegs
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If we're talking about someone, and you can't exactly place the person I'm talking about, and if I describe him for you and begin with "he's black", that doesn't make me a racist. Skin color or race is the most obvious feature to start with because then you narrow down the group pretty quickly, just like "male" or "female" instantly eliminates about half of the possible population to consider.

So lose the chip on your shoulder and grow up, because I never expected that shit from you, and it bothers me that you think that lighter skin color than yours is a sign of the devil.

If it happens again, we're no longer friends, 'cause I don't play that game and I don't want to be around those who do. Of course, you'll probably just assume that it's because of your skin color.

Idiot.

Posted by: Ted at 10:38 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Things have slowed down here at Rocket Jones lately as I prepare for the big job change on monday and other random bits of reality interfere with my blogging time.

This weekend's projects include hanging a new bird feeder, building a new DVD rack for my den, finishing up some drywall work I'm doing in the dining room (and maybe beginning to paint), and replacing the motor in the attic fan (bearings seized).

In unrelated domestic news, wife Liz has a new red blouse, which inexplicably got mixed in with a load of whites. Since I do all the laundry, I have no one to blame but myself. Fortunately, pink is in style right now, because half my underwear is a lovely shade of coral. Eat your hearts out.

Posted by: Ted at 09:04 PM | category: Square Pegs
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LMIS (pronounced "Limmis") stands for Logistics Management Information System, and I've spent a considerable portion of the last 14 years working with it. New modules, new customer requirements, Y2K, the list goes on and on, it's been a fun project precisely because there always seemed to be some new project on the horizon. But like all things, change happens, and in this case we got new managers who, although nice enough people, lack the vision, skill and leadership of the former bosses, so LMIS quit evolving and adapting. The final nail came when upper upper management realized that LMIS is old. It's been in use since the mid-80's, which is fairly ancient for computer systems. Never mind that over the years it's been finely tuned and customized to do exactly what the users needed. Never mind that the original design was so brilliantly flexible that it's never been unable to do what was asked of it. And don't even think about the fact that LMIS could've been easily modified to do everything the new system is supposed to do, for probably one-third the cost. Upper management could never get past the fact that LMIS is old.

Also, the users are supposed to ignore the fact that the new replacement system doesn't work. I'm extremely biased, but it's the truth to say that the new system that was bought to replace LMIS cost a whole lot of money to do a whole lot less for the users and customers. Of course, "whole lot less" only applies to the parts of the hideous nightmare that actually work.

I can vent about all this because this is the same stuff I've been telling management for two years now. It's not like I've been holding back. It's also part of the reason that I'm so looking forward to the next project.

I'm going to miss the people though, that's for sure. I've collected addresses and phone numbers from the folks I definitely don't want to lose touch with, and gone around to say goodbye to just about everyone. The desk is cleaned out, the PC is about as personally uncustomized as possible, and I'm leaving at lunch today.

I tried to keep it low key, but some close friends got together and are taking me out to lunch today, and they got me a gift certificate to my favorite rocket shop. How cool is that?

Since some of you guys read this, I'll put it in writing (you've already heard me say it): I'm going to miss you. You made it worthwhile coming in to work every day. Good luck, don't let the twinkies get you down, stay sane and in touch.

Special note: it's a misdemeanor if intentional damage to a vehicle is less than $500, but you can reach that limit just by keying the paintjob. Might as well just set fire to the fucker.

Thanks also to the folks who suggested wonderfulness to program my function keys. There are multiple job search sites and plenty of dancing, singing, flying, poking and viking cute things all there at the touch of a button.

Finally, a secret. I'm sure it kept you up at night, wondering. Remember I told you that I worked in a cage? I shared that cage with pallets of blank passports, visas, and all the machines used to process them.

Posted by: Ted at 08:21 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Not safe for work (in the extended entry).

Mookie, don't look, it's dirty. For those of you at work and over the age of 18, come back to look later and double my daily hits. more...

Posted by: Ted at 05:09 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 So are you saying I should have been getting diamonds for that? Nobody tells me anything...

Posted by: Susie at June 18, 2004 06:26 AM (0p8rw)

2 If you have proof, you could probably sue. Got pictures?

Posted by: Ted at June 18, 2004 07:45 AM (blNMI)

3 My lawyer kept them...

Posted by: Susie at June 18, 2004 09:35 PM (0p8rw)

4 Drat! Foiled again.

Posted by: Ted at June 19, 2004 07:51 AM (ZjSa7)

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Long but funny (in the extended entry) more...

Posted by: Ted at 05:51 AM | category: Square Pegs
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