David Letterman Top-10 style... more...

Posted by: Ted at 06:01 AM | category: Square Pegs
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NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor. more...

Posted by: Ted at 05:49 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 LOL Ted!!!! I love it! I need copies for my brothers-in-law....(I have 7 nieces...)

Posted by: Susie at November 15, 2003 09:47 AM (0+cMc)

2 Well dad, nothing like making the process of dating even more agonizing. =D

Posted by: Mookie at November 15, 2003 10:14 AM (2sKfR)

3 Any way you could, um, waive some of those requirements for a fellow Munuvian?

Posted by: Tim at November 15, 2003 12:43 PM (LzKRr)

4 That was brilliant. Lol

Posted by: tasberry at November 15, 2003 04:07 PM (Wm57U)

5 I'd fill that out, but it'd be rejected as soon as you looked at "Date of Birth."

Posted by: Victor at November 15, 2003 05:50 PM (16A49)

6 Oh man, that's a good'un! LMFAO

Of course, when I was growing up, it was my MOTHER prospective boyfriends had to worry about...

--TwoDragons

Posted by: TwoDragons at November 15, 2003 08:38 PM (+D5yV)

7 ROFL!! It;'s funny cuz it's true.
I'm sending this to all my friends with daughters (and/or neices)! Actually I think I'll send it to my nephew as well..

Posted by: Tuning Spork at November 16, 2003 12:57 AM (W7o/t)

8 omg! this is so funny i showed my mom and she started bustin out laughin! LOL but i thoguth i should give this to my dad and let him really use it ! i think i would scare the crap outta my bf ! he he ! great jod! im lmao!

Posted by: *~lilcutie~* at January 17, 2004 11:00 PM (02P/R)

9 Biggest load of discrimination I've seen today.

Posted by: Bob at February 09, 2004 05:50 PM (kCEFB)

10 I am so going to need this in ~20 years' time... Good one!

I'm going to poke around the rest of your archives now - if this is a sample it should be good fun. :-)

Posted by: Dominic at May 11, 2004 05:51 PM (evDgD)

11 omg this is sooooo funny my teacher read this to me and i had to show my dad. both my dad and mom were laughing. i love this it is soo funny

Posted by: Sara at November 01, 2004 09:54 PM (qtwGG)

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I was trying to come up with a way to make some extra bucks for Christmas, and I think I've hit upon the perfect scam scheme plan!

Since Miss Cleo left the business, there's a definite imbalance between supply and demand. Plus, this doesn't rely on phone calls, so I don't have to bother with hiring those pesky clairvoyants who already know I'm not giving anyone a raise - ever.

All I need now is a small amount of seed money to purchase the email lists and software spawned in the depths of hell. Of course, I immediately thought of my friends and how I should offer them the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of this exciting venture. Anyone interested in investing in a high-growth-potential enterprise?

I've done some research and have decided that AutoSpam3000 is the package for me. In the extended entry is the letter I've decided to clog millions of email boxes with use.*

* For the severely humor impaired, this is a joke. I feel stupid for thinking I even need to put this disclaimer here, but my psychic said I should do it because of you, David. Idiot. more...

Posted by: Ted at 07:30 AM | category: Square Pegs
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PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

In the extended entry is the version for us guys. more...

Posted by: Ted at 07:04 AM | category: Square Pegs
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A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker. Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck with his 10-year-old daughter, chatting away beside him. All of a sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?

Not wanting to expose his 10-year-old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?!"

Posted by: Ted at 07:54 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Let's do it again!

Another church sign in the extended entry. more...

Posted by: Ted at 07:28 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Remember them. Thank them. Honor them. Fly the flag.

Me? I've got some plumbing to do (damn).

Posted by: Ted at 08:03 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Posted by: Ted at 06:08 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I'm going to hell for this, I just know it.

My church sign is in the extended entry.

Go here to make your own. Don't worry, we'll scoot over. more...

Posted by: Ted at 09:36 AM | category: Square Pegs
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DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you are my cousin

BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door

DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass

OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability

BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again

A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs

Posted by: Ted at 08:52 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Read this question, come up with an answer and then check the extended entry for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him right there but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you answer) more...

Posted by: Ted at 08:26 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Whew. Thank goodness for Snopes; I got it "correct." (But correct with an appropriate level of horror and revulsion, I assure you!)

Posted by: nic at November 09, 2003 09:44 AM (16A49)

2 I was way off the track, but then I have no killer instinct ... well until the mosquitos start bitin' me, but I count that as self-defense.

Posted by: Tiger at November 09, 2003 12:36 PM (xV/w/)

3 I feel so much better about myself! LOL

Posted by: PunchBuggy at November 10, 2003 02:12 AM (iEHQX)

4 I had to look. I thought the guy was a cop and he had given her a clue her sister had some hand in the death of her mother.

I'm not sure how to feel about my gf getting the right answer.

Posted by: Victor at November 10, 2003 03:50 PM (L3qPK)

5 Not even a clue as to what that was about...Thank God.

All I could think was maybe the sister ran over the womans dog or something or really pissed her off unrelated to the rest of it.

Thank God my brain doesn't work like that.
(And yes 'like that' was TOO necessary, Teddy-poo!)

Posted by: Stevie at November 10, 2003 11:15 PM (4l3Gy)

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A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Posted by: Ted at 08:05 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Last night the San Jose Sharks played the Boston Bruins and wonder of wonders, it was televised. That's a good thing, because watching the local Washington Capitals lately has been painful and last night was no exception.

The game was mucho fun to watch, ending in a 5-5 tie. After the Sharks imploded last year, a major overhaul was begun and this years version is younger and faster than previous teams. They also unloaded some high-priced and underachieving stars, which seems to have changed the chemistry of the team for the better. They have enough veterans to provide the leadership needed, and the older players are all grinders and workers, setting the example for the youngsters.

There were a couple of times during the game when the old Sharks would have folded or gotten panicky and made a stupid mistake. That didn't happen.

The Sharks need the young kids to mature rapidly this season, and players like Marleau and Sturm have to play up to their potential. We've been waiting for them to break thru for several years now, and we're getting impatient.

In goal, the Sharks have three solid goalies. Most teams only carry two, and I don't know what the Sharks are planning to do long-term. Last night third-string goalie Teskala played a pretty good game and although the Bruins scored five goals, there were no 'cheap' goals on either side. It was good goaltending getting beat by good shots.

Young and rebuilding, the Sharks have a chance to make the playoffs this season (I know, I know, that's not hard to do in hockey... tell it to the Rangers). This team is going to be fun to watch.

Posted by: Ted at 07:10 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Enough for one each day of the month, with a couple spares. Become one of life's success stories, courtesy of Rocket Jones. more...

Posted by: Ted at 11:11 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Victor, Nic and Stevie: thought you might be interested. There are pictures and everything.

Posted by: Ted at 01:35 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Over on the right column is a tagline that changes every few days, and right below it is the link to my tagline archive where you can view past bits of wisdom and whimsy. If you have one to contribute, send it in and I'll post it up.

Posted by: Ted at 08:57 AM | category: Square Pegs
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It's been a while since I've posted a Bill picture.

Bill throws a lot of parties. It's because no one will invite him to their house.

Open it up to see Bill's halloween costume. more...

Posted by: Ted at 07:43 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Heh.

(Why didn't you send it to me first for a little...adjusting?)

Posted by: Jennifer at November 05, 2003 12:05 PM (XVdrJ)

2 Didn't need it.

Posted by: Ted at November 05, 2003 02:20 PM (Qj620)

3 Beer in hand, pants down to ankles. Yep, that's Bill.

Posted by: Victor at November 06, 2003 07:30 AM (L3qPK)

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Welcome to the visitors who reached this blog by searching Google for:

"Lanced boil pictures"
"Auction houses in San Fransisco"
"Anti-Halloween Poem"
"Estes rocket vegetable"

Posted by: Ted at 05:48 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Be sure to vote.

Posted by: Ted at 05:08 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Watching the commercials for Cadillac yesterday, it struck me that they made a brilliant choice of theme music for their SUVish model: Led Zepplin (I recognize the song, but can't place the title). The song has energy and fits perfectly with the image they try to show, plus the target audience are the exact same people who grew up listening to Zep.

I've also been enjoying the Chrysler "Harley" whatever-his-name-is commercials. Very nice.

Posted by: Ted at 11:23 AM | category: Square Pegs
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