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Posted by: Ted at 11:49 PM | category: Square Pegs
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According to Kyle (who remains intermittently anonymous), the Nog still stands, and probably could even without the carton. We've long passed disgusting and have moved into the realm of the scary.

What is Nog Watch? Background story here and here and here and here and in the name of all that is holy please stop here and here.

Posted by: Ted at 11:55 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Could it be that there is now Chicken Nog? Could that be young chicken feathers growing on the outside of the carton?

Posted by: Bob at December 20, 2004 01:12 PM (blNMI)

2 Steps have to be taken to preserve that nog!

We CAN'T LOSE the NOG. We've come too goddam far in this.

Posted by: Paul at December 20, 2004 01:41 PM (vbP6L)

3 OMG, I forgot about that! IT'S STILL THERE!

Please remind me that, at least, the carton still sealed. If not, thems some nuclear-age preservatives in there and it's probably best that it wasn't consumed even when it was fresh.

Posted by: Tuning Spork at December 20, 2004 10:15 PM (Y5hVY)

4 Spork, the carton is half-full. I'd suggest sleeping with a light on from now on.

Posted by: Ted at December 21, 2004 10:18 AM (blNMI)

5 The Nog - a fine example of American Culture.

Posted by: Alan E Brain at December 23, 2004 10:46 AM (qMZW4)

6 Alan, you misspelled 'cuisine'.

Posted by: Ted at December 23, 2004 03:16 PM (ZjSa7)

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The CEO of Phizer has announced that they are not going to take Celebrex off the market.

For us, that's a good thing. You see, Celebrex is one of the suite of drugs that my wife takes that keeps her from needing to go back to her wheelchair. There are alternatives, and she's tried them as she and her doctors have tinkered with combinations and dosages over years. None of the alternatives work as well. Some don't work at all.

So yes, we're concerned about the eventual effects, but so far the increased danger has only been observed in one study. A second study showed no such problems, and we remain hopeful. And thankful for modern medicine that produces little pill-sized miracles that we too often take for granted. All of us are walking a chemical tightrope our entire lives, and sometimes even the safety net isn't 100% perfect.

Posted by: Ted at 06:10 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Someone on the newsgroups posted a bunch of vintage cards and I thought I'd share some. For the bandwidth impaired, they're in the extended entry. more...

Posted by: Ted at 04:01 AM | category: Square Pegs
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No white Christmas according to the forecasts, but it's beautiful out there this evening.

I'll worry about the commute tomorrow morning, tomorrow morning.

Posted by: Ted at 08:21 PM | category: Square Pegs
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I may have mentioned M1ke before (yes, that's a one, and it's how he spelled it online). He had the ability to write some of the funniest dirty stories I've ever read. He 'retired' in 1997, but before he disappeared (or more likely changed his online name), he left us an unforgettable short story titled The Night Before Christmas. This story is neither dirty nor funny, and I hope he's still somewhere around and sharing his amazing talent.

I'm serious about this, go read the story.

Posted by: Ted at 09:05 PM | category: Square Pegs
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When Daniel first started blogging, he did a series on "how and why things work" that was very interesting and informative (sorry, no link to specifics, couldn't find anything on his page for that).

Being a grad student and lab rat research assistant, he probably doesn't have time for that series anymore, and we haven't seen one in quite a while. That's a shame.

So as a service to the Rocket Jones readers, I'm going to pick up the torch and run with it, much like the scissors mom warned you about. Not being a professional scientist (or even one in training), I'll have to apply my innate parental skills to the task.

First question:

continued in the extended entry more...

Posted by: Ted at 09:43 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Hockey. Fed up with it. Disgusted. Barely paying attention to the labor problems because the average NHL player busts his ass for more than a million dollars per year while I bust my ass for a pitiful fraction of that. Shut up you whiny bitches and enjoy your season playing in Podunk, Russia. Hope like hell you don't suffer a career-ending injury there either. If I sound sympathetic towards the owners, it's only a matter of degree. They've done it to themselves with idiot owners (why are the biggest nitwits always in New York?) who wildly overpay for average talent. But you know what? The players agreed to the contracts. I never heard of an owner saying "I'm not going to pay you what we agreed to because you didn't perform up to expectations." Hockey is a business, and the players seem to think that the owners owe them the ability to make a living playing professional hockey for top dollar. I wonder how many owners have secretly admitted that they'd be better off folding their team and being done with the annual ritual of losing money? To the players: the owners don't owe you squat. How do you say "Bend over and enjoy it" in Swedish?

DC Baseball. The Nationals might never be. Boo freaking Hoo. I'm an Orioles fan and it wouldn't break my heart at all not to have a "local" team (transplanted from Canada and known for it's distinct Latin character) move in and take away televised games I actually care to see. Nobody local should be surprised, because it's Washington DC fer pete's sake! What did you expect?!?!?!?! The Nationals were a political hostage from the day they were announced, I'm just surprised their official uniforms weren't announced as orange jumpsuits.

Update before I even posted this: I just caught the briefest radio flash on this so the details might be wrong, but apparently DC is requiring a non-refundable $10,000 payment with each financing plan. This fee will be used to hire private auditors or some such because the District's CFO is out of the country until mid-January. This doesn't make much sense to me as I write it, but the additional up-front money is typical DC gov.

Posted by: Ted at 05:55 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 In Swedish: kröka över och njuta av den

Just thought you'd want to know.

Posted by: Silver Blue at December 18, 2004 07:56 AM (G/XfQ)

2 WHen Montreal announced that they were moving to DC I figured it was a done deal. Then it kinda wasn't a done deal -- yet. Now it might not be at all! Where in tarnation did these people get their business degrees? Telling someone you're gonna do something before you even know if you can isn't management, it's trashtalk, and it belongs on the field, not off.

That said, the Ex-pos oughta just screw DC and move to Havana. The folks down there will not only actually show up to the games, but the DC government will get to watch themselves being passed over for a frickin' communist hellhole. And Castro (a former ballplayer himself) will have to open the island's "culture" to outside influences, however piddling it'd be.

Grrr...

Posted by: Tuning Spork at December 18, 2004 07:59 PM (lq74+)

3 Thanks SB, I knew someone would know that.

Spork, in January the new city council takes office, and they're decidedly *not* pro-baseball, so this needed to be a done deal before the end of the year. Cropp is running for mayor, and this was an effective way to torpedo current mayor Williams, who should have seen it coming. I don't disagree with Cropp, DC should have private funding for the stadium, and the city agreed to way too much to get the team. Last week it was announced that part of the deal with MLB was that the city picked up all costs for police and security during games, whereas the Capitals, Wizards and Redskins all pay the city for that. It's a bad deal for DC, and the best thing might be for it to fall through.

Posted by: Ted at December 18, 2004 08:53 PM (ZjSa7)

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The repair guy showed up late yesterday afternoon to fix the oven. Two hundred dollars for 10 minutes worth of work, it was a straight part swap-out of the igniter module. Apparently they lose efficiency over time and ours lasted more than twice as long as average. To make the one stove burner "just like new" would be another hundred and a half, but we've learned to work around it even though it works "just like old", so we passed on that. I can't complain much because the range is 12 years old and this is the first trouble we've ever had from it.

Posted by: Ted at 06:13 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I have to work in the morning dammit, and they're out there partying all night long.

Posted by: Ted at 05:47 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated, I am

{Chorus}
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me
So isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that I am

{Chorus}

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever

Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'll be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away (3x)
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away (4x)

{Chorus}

My hope
dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

Posted by: Ted at 04:37 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Except in Nigeria.

Posted by: Ted at 12:15 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Actual conversations and comments from my youngest daughter.

Here's where I wish I had multiple sets of eyes so I could glare at more than one of you at once.

Discussing attire for a semi-formal this weekend:

I have formal and I have informal. Maybe I should just wear my prom dress and a hoodie.

In her Physics class with her lab partner:

Partner: Give me a random number so I can solve this quadratic equation.

Mookie: 76.

Partner (after a few moments): Whoa, that's weird. Let me double check that... (more time passes) Holy crap, the answer is 75.9!

Mookie: Tuesday is jello day.

Posted by: Ted at 07:09 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 *bwahahaha* Having had the glorious opportunity to get to know her in person makes this even funnier!!! You have captured her essence well!

Posted by: dawn at December 15, 2004 09:12 PM (Rgkju)

2 Yeah, her essence is "Eau de Cynical Smartmouth Teenager"

Posted by: Ted at December 16, 2004 07:32 AM (blNMI)

3 "Tuesday is jello day," is some bizarre Mookie code for something, isn't it?

Posted by: Victor at December 16, 2004 09:15 AM (L3qPK)

4 Rainman, Victor.

Posted by: Ted at December 16, 2004 09:37 AM (blNMI)

5 oh yes, Rainman it is.

Gotta buy my underwear at Kmart. Only kmart. Not walmart. Gotta buy my underwear at Kmart.

Posted by: Mookie at December 16, 2004 02:52 PM (ZjSa7)

6 Oh. I've never seen Rainman.

I like my idea better. The spotted cuckoo bird is flying backwards.

Posted by: Victor at December 18, 2004 04:12 PM (etHvD)

7 Yes, but is she an excellent driver?

Posted by: CGHill at December 18, 2004 05:28 PM (AUDQP)

8 LOL CG! Actually, she hates to drive and we can't get her behind the wheel most of the time.

Posted by: Ted at December 18, 2004 09:02 PM (ZjSa7)

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dreamTed: "I think I'll start using random punctuation and italicizing on Rocket Jones, just for fun."

dreamMookie: "I though you already did."

I grounded her for dreamLife. Did you know there was a dreamChild Services?

Posted by: Ted at 05:30 AM | category: Square Pegs
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She'll have to hurry to finish in time for Christmas.

(in the extended entry, safe for work unless you work for Scrooge) more...

Posted by: Ted at 04:51 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1. BIKE SEATS
Their primary purpose is to be straddled. Is it any wonder we want to be reincarnated as one?

2. GIRLS FIGHTING
Cursing, crying, pulling hair, throwing drinks, abusing bathroom attendants and being convicted of assault: sexy. A mug shot with a tear-streaked face: even sexier.

3. THE AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE YOU HEAR WHEN YOU DIAL 4-1-1
"I think you said, 'Spank me hard.' Is this correct? To confirm, press 1 or say yes."

4. GYNECOLOGY
Very serious matter, seven years of training, blah, blah, blah...We just want a set of those stirrup things. Think they can be rented for private parties?

5. LEOPARD PRINTS
Because they say, "I really do not care." Just add vodka and Bon Jovi for a down-and-dirty good time.

6. OUR FRIENDS' MOMS
They were hot when we were 13 and didn't know any better. Then we grew out of it - only to grow back into it. We were right the first time.

7. GIRLS HUGGING
Look! Their nipples are almost touching! Damn those blouses!

8. WOMEN DRESSED AS MEN
Either lolling around in our shirts the morning after or doing the full drawn-on-mustache cigar-suit thing. It's like Groucho Marx with a vagina.

9. SHOE-STORE EMPLOYEES TYING YOUR LACES
It was the most mind-blowingly erotic experience of our young lives. Now we have to buy $500 shoes for the pleasure. At least we're smart enough to ask for double knots.

10. FEMALE BARTENDERS
If we passed them on the street, we wouldn't look twice. But put them in a dark room and in charge of beer and suddenly we're babbling idiots. And not just because we're wasted out of our mind. Well, it's not totally because we're wasted out of our mind.

11. FEMALE POLICE OFFICERS
Beneath the stern expression, starched shirt and firearm is the soft, yielding, lightly scented flesh of a woman. A woman who could shoot us if we looked at her the wrong way. Ideally, while we're handcuffed to the headboard.

12. PREGNANT WOMEN
Because their boobs get even bigger. And because they're broadcasting to the entire world that they just had sex.

13. FAT GIRLS
We come for the cleavage. We stay for the sex. We leave in shame - satiated shame.

14. SCHOOLGIRL UNIFORMS
Especially when worn by Japanese girls. White socks optional. Pigtails essential. It's not a fetish if 100 percent of men like it - it's a law of nature.

15. JESSICA RABBIT
If she lets a stuttering bunny take a crack at her, it means we might actually have a chance. But unfortunately, we're not a cartoon. Hear that, Lucy Van Pelt? There's no way that's our baby!

16. HELENA BONHAM CARTER IN PLANET OF THE APES
Yes, a monkey girl. Is that so wrong? Know what? Watch a female ape eat a banana and get back to us.

17. CONDOM INSTRUCTIONS
Not that we need instruction, but the detailed language and explicit diagrams make us want to try it right now. (And don't think we won't.) They're also good for a little light bathroom reading.

18. WOMEN WHO HATE US
Particularly if they've belittled us in front of our friends, called us ugly and/or gay and are going out with much better-looking, manlier men than us. Those girls are as hot as our confidence is shattered.

19. CAROLYN FROM THE APPRENTICE
She's like a female cop, but with an extra dash of fascism.

20. LINGERIE DEPARTMENTS
Not the lingerie itself, but rather the notion that we might get a sales girl so wildly turned on by our blithely fingering the same undies she's wearing that she has to enact her fantasy of raunchy sex with a total stranger in the nearest dressing room. (Preferably, that stranger would be us.)

21. BURQAS
We hear that women who wear them also sport ultrasexy lingerie underneath, reserved for the eyes of their husbands. Now that's all we can think about. Allah, please forgive us! And angry husbands, don't stone us!

22. TAN LINES
The pale parts look even more naked next to the tanned parts. This also works with sock marks and bra indentations.

23. FEMALE COLLEAGUES BENDING OVER
You respect her. She respects you. Then you stare at her ass crack like it's the Grand Canyon.

24. VISIBLE PANTY LINES
Because they're visible! And they're panties!

25. HORSEBACK RIDING
Expert thighs clamped around hard, quivering muscle? Ass-whipping? Steamy snorting? Notorious for giving young women their first orgasms? Bareback and mounting? If that's not sublimated sex, then neither is Kathy Bates' nude hot-tub scene in About Schmidt.

And as an added bonus, in the extended entry are Five Things We Should Find Sexy...But Don't. more...

Posted by: Ted at 04:53 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 I dated a girl once who was in love with leopard print. She had leopard print everything - I mean, EVERYTHING. It was definitely very sexy... Especially when vodka was added.

Posted by: Daniel at December 14, 2004 07:50 AM (Oc6V9)

2 Hell, female police officers make *me* hot!

Posted by: dawn at December 14, 2004 10:29 AM (Rgkju)

3 This is so-o-o-o-o begging for a fisking!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at December 14, 2004 10:50 PM (y41lz)

4 For those asking, yes, this came to me via email and I did minor editing. It was too funny not to post.

Spork, my friend, you are so-o-o-o wrong about tan lines.

Posted by: Ted at December 17, 2004 09:04 PM (ZjSa7)

5 HELENA BONHAM CARTER IN PLANET OF THE APES

No. Two words: Michael Jackson.

That freak ruined a perfectly good monkey girl for me. Why couldn't they have made her blonde?

Posted by: McGehee at December 17, 2004 11:14 PM (S504z)

6 Howsabout Rae Dawn Chong in 'Quest For Fire'? Can't understand a damn word, and best first aid for a dick bite, ever.

Posted by: Bane at December 18, 2004 06:42 PM (lFsqN)

7 These were actually in an issue of Stuff Magazine.

Posted by: Chris at December 29, 2004 08:02 PM (qCre4)

8 Thanks for the attribution Chris. Like I said, I got them in an email, now I'll have to check out Stuff, since they obviously have someone who can write excellent comedy.

Posted by: Ted at December 29, 2004 08:13 PM (ZjSa7)

9 What I think is sexy is....red hair and white skin....mmmmmmmmmm

Posted by: xllx~H4ck3r~xllx at January 01, 2005 11:45 PM (KplyR)

10 I love women dressed as men. Check out the 1984 TV movie "Her Life As a Man," starring Robyn Douglass. She is so incredibly hot.

Posted by: shadow at March 14, 2005 04:13 PM (/NrQM)

11 The only thing i don't find sexy is a liar and cheater and that is seriously pussywhip...hmmmm whos that directed too.....stan?

Posted by: Melinda at September 11, 2005 09:18 PM (FjvcB)

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Our oven has gone bonky. The stove part works fine, but the oven itself doesn't want to light. It will, eventually, but I wouldn't stand in front of it when the gigantic *WOOF* happens, because one of these times it'll blow the door open and emit a fireball that'd make Smaug proud. So we aren't using the oven until it gets fixed.

Fifty dollars for the guy to walk in the door to tell us the oven is broken. And I've already done most of the diagnostic work for him, thanks to a friendly and experienced neighbor. Yesterday we checked the gas pressure in the house at the furnace and water heater (it's good), even did a little pre-winter maintenance on the appliances and they're all ok. I took the oven apart a little and made sure the glow plate is working and cleaned out the gas vents, which seem to be working just fine. So it's the thermocouple or a gas valve or something like that, and will probably be hideously expensive and rediculously easy to replace.

Like the old joke about the machine problem that no one on site could fix, so they called the vendor technician. He walked in, watched it for a few minutes, took out a screwdriver and turned a screw 1/4 turn, after which the machine ran perfectly. Then he presented a bill for $600.00. The plant manager threw a hissy fit and demanded an itemized bill, so the tech wrote:
"turn screw - $2.00"
"knowing which screw to turn - $598.00"

We'll find out thursday which screw to turn.

Posted by: Ted at 09:06 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Because unwrapping your present is the best part.

(in the extended entry - more or less safe for work) more...

Posted by: Ted at 05:46 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Hey, isn't that the cheesecake that everyone keeps passing on to someone else every year?

Oh wait, that was a fruitcake, nevermind. She's a keeper!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at December 13, 2004 09:23 PM (0qcGE)

2 Wow, i want my wife to give me that present, I'd unwrap her quick and fuck her pussy.

Posted by: bob at August 09, 2005 12:50 PM (tTa3V)

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Since Susie asked, I have to offer my apologies for not finding "firemen in nothing but red suspenders". Apparently there is a limit to what you can find on the internet, and now I'm getting popup ads that scare me.

But I might have an acceptable compromise or three (in the extended entry, and it's even semi-safe for work) more...

Posted by: Ted at 07:04 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Hey!That's no fair!The girls already got theirs!

Posted by: Russ at December 11, 2004 04:43 PM (tKwxe)

2 At least you tried, darlin'! It's the thought that counts, right?

Posted by: Susie at December 12, 2004 11:01 AM (3nS88)

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Be a considerate neighbor. Use a little hot-melt glue to attach a couple of pieces of foam rubber to the back of the headboard.

Posted by: Ted at 08:28 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Or to the back of their heads, if they are without a headboard. Might even save someone a concussion!

Posted by: dawn at December 11, 2004 06:01 PM (Rgkju)

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