Pepsi. Hendrix. Great!

Posted by: Ted at 11:39 AM | category: Square Pegs
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...in the Army, that is.

According to Avalanche Company's Sgt Stanford, SPC Schwarz was quite the soldier.

Among my favorites on the list:

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean ‘I have been promoted three more times than you'.

84. Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish' things.*

Ya know, I could go on and on. Just go read the darn list.

I don't remember where I found this, if it was from your site, let me know so I can give credit.

*I can relate to this one. Once on duty I was caught driving across a field trying to run over a bunny rabbit**. When asked why, I answered "because I knew you'd be mad if I shot it."

**The bunny rabbit was in no real danger. If you don't believe me, try it sometime.

Posted by: Ted at 06:55 AM | category: Square Pegs
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So the owner of the Washington Capitals hockey team got into it with a rowdy fan at the game. Said fan had a sign (which was a pretty good one), and owner and fan tussled. End result: fan on ass, fight over.

Owner apologizes, and the fan says 'no hard feelings'.

That's how hockey fans disagree. Gentlemen, I salute you!

Posted by: Ted at 07:28 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Like I said, we're in the middle of implementing a brand new computer system. This morning one of our users was asking about a common everyday work process that he has to do, and the on-site support person said this to him:

"I don't know, we never thought of that."

Excuse me, but you've spent six years and mucho dinero (think really big number followed by lots of zeroes) designing this system and YOU DIDN'T THINK OF THAT?!?!?!?!

Posted by: Ted at 12:01 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Four-wheel Driving Fool

(sung to the tune of Hootie & the Blowfish’s – Only Wanna Be With You)

Look out the window,
Nasty weather outside,
LetÂ’s climb in my SUV
And go out for a ride.

Snow and ice?
AinÂ’t no big thang,
I bought this big olÂ’ jeep,
To make up for my wang.

AinÂ’t no weather too cruel,
IÂ’m a four-wheelinÂ’ fool.
I rode the short-bus to school,
IÂ’m a four-wheelinÂ’ fool.

(There should be more, but I expect that by this point the idiot will be ditch-bound.)

Posted by: Ted at 08:03 AM | category: Square Pegs
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In the extended entry. more...

Posted by: Ted at 06:34 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Pixy left a comment on one of my earlier posts that perfectly sums up a problem most of us have had.

Microsoft error messages SUCK.

Or to illustrate:

Weather was bad in Seattle, but the traffic reporter insisted that they get airborne anyways. Reluctantly, the chopper pilot agreed.

It didn't take long for them to get hopelessly lost in the thick fog. After flying around for a while, desperately searching for any landmark, they glimpsed the ghostly outline of a skyscraper not too far away.

Easing closer, they spot a conference room full of people, and soon enough the people notice the helicopter hovering outside.

Thinking quickly, the reporter scribbles on a piece of paper and holds up his makeshift sign: "WHERE ARE WE?"

The people immediately grab some paper and after a little discussion write their own sign. Holding it up, it says "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot immediately flies away and without problems heads directly to their airport where he lands safely. The reporter is stunned and asks the pilot how he managed it.

The pilot answered, "Well, their answer was technically correct but completely useless, so I knew that it was the MicroSoft headquarters building. From there, I could find our way home."

Posted by: Ted at 11:41 AM | category: Square Pegs
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The problem with the Mars rover.

Posted by: Ted at 06:13 AM | category: Square Pegs
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The Oakland Raiders are searching for a coach, but not just any coach. The coach they're looking for must be offense-minded, yet timid enough to be firmly under the thumb of owner Al Davis. Special requirements indeed.

Or, as the San Fransisco Chronicle put it last week "Al is Searching for a Spineless Jellyfish".

So today we hear that Davis is interviewing Miami Dolphins assistant coach Norv Turner. Turner spent more than six seasons in the DC area, being wishy-washy while guiding the Redskins to the playoffs just one time. The man may be an offensive genius and a genuinely nice guy, but he's about as stern as PeeWee Herman. I shudder to say this, but he's a perfect fit for what Al Davis wants.

Dude, if you thought Raider Nation was classless before (and I prefer the term 'colorful'), wait until you see this year. It's going to get ugly.

Posted by: Ted at 12:03 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1. Free Yorkshire Terrier, 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

2. Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

3. Free Puppies: 1/2 German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

4. Found: Dirty White Dog. Looks like a rat... been out awhile... better be a reward.

5. For Sale: Snow Blower. Only used on snowy days.

6. For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Brittannica - 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 obo. No longer needed - newlywed and wife knows everything.

7. For Sale: Nordic Track, hardly used. $300. Ask for Chubby.

8. Nice Parachute. Never opened, used once.

9. Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer - $300.

Posted by: Ted at 08:32 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Jaromir Jagr (45 pts) to the New York Rangers for Anson Carter (17 pts). More importantly, the Caps will save about 7 million a year on his salary - I haven't heard yet what Carter makes, but it won't be close to that.

Rumors are rampant that the Caps are shopping goalie Kolzig, forwards Lang and Bondra, and defenseman Gonchar. Lang is a newcomer, the others are long-time Caps and would really be missed for more than their ice time.

In fantasy hockey news, I dropped rapidly in the standings when both of my goaltenders realized that they were human and quit playing over their heads. Things have settled down now, and with the return of two good players from IR, I'm slowly climbing back into contention (currently 5th place).

Posted by: Ted at 08:37 PM | category: Square Pegs
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And guys love women with guitars. Porn star Jenna Jamison is the new spokesmodel for Jackson Guitars. These pictures are nice because even if you're not an axe freak you can enjoy them. Nothing dirty here, just a beautiful girl and her beautiful guitar.

This heads up courtesy of Fleshbot (not work safe).

Posted by: Ted at 07:53 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Google says it too!

Posted by: Ted at 07:12 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Make my funk the P-funk.

I want my funk uncut.

Make my funk the P-funk.

I wants to get funked up.



-- Parliament

Live Free and Wax Funky.

Posted by: Ted at 08:22 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 You wants the bomb? You wants the P-funk. You Don't want your funk stepped on. (so we'll) make your funk the P-funk, 'fore you can bring it home.

Does this mean you think you're chocolate coated, freaky & habit forming? So groovy that even you dig you?

Ah, George Clinton came from a town about 30 miles north of where I grew up. In fact my dad's side of the family came from there. & if you ever tried the barbecue they have up that way, you'd understand what put the glide in his stride, the dip in his hip & made him welcome on board the mothership.

But to get deep on ya, tell me if you recognize the following:

1: Swing down sweet chariot stop & - let me ride.

2: To each his reach & if I don't cop it ain't mine to have...

3: ...don't be surprised if Ali's in the White House; Revereand Ike secretary of the treasure...

4: The bigger the headache the bigger the pill

& Next week if you're tired of the cosmic slope, can we do Mother's Finest?

Posted by: Publicola at January 21, 2004 07:41 PM (Aao25)

2 Dude, you have it in ya!

Let's see now... (Google is my friend, and that's the only way I'd get these)

1. Elvis Presley did this, and Dr Dre used the line in a chorus of one of his songs, but I'll bet you're thinking about Chaka Khan.

2. Chocolate City. I might recognize this one if I heard it, but the title isn't ringing any bells.

3. No idea.

4. This one I remember. Dr. Funkentstein? According to the search, Parliament did it, someone seems to think The Gap Band did too, and Ice Cube paraphrased it in 1991.

I bow down before your prowess in things funk.

Posted by: Ted at January 22, 2004 02:03 PM (blNMI)

3 With 40,000 watts of P-Funk power, the envelope please.....

1) The Mothership Connection (Star Child)

2)Chocolate City

3)Ditto. Gainin' on ya!

4)Funkentelechy vs. the Placebo Syndrome-- pay attention, because you can't afford free speech!

Hope that blows the cobwebs out ya mind!

Posted by: Johno at January 22, 2004 02:32 PM (b5RtV)

4 Ted,
Might I suggest Uncut Funk > The Bomb? It's a collection of Parliament's greatest hits.

For #1, you're getting it confused with swing low sweet chariot, which elvis did among other old gospel tunes.

Dre used the P-funk version, not the gospel version if I recall correctly.

You got #2 correct

No 4 - The Gap Band did use it. The Gap Band used a few of P-Funk's phrases, or perhaps vice versa.

Keep in mind though that Clinton (the good one, not Bill) used a very unique dialect when he was composing this stuff. I played a lot of P-Funk in the south (when I was a full time musician) & for some reason most bands had me sit down & write out the lyrics for the vocalists. It's really like Rev. Ike meets Mother Goose meets Socrates. Deep, witty, catchy enough for youngin's & damn if it ain't set to a groove. Funk isn't as popular a genre, at leats not out here in Co. but it has some virtues that deserve more attention than some other more popular genres.

Johno,
You Funkateer you. Is that you breathing down my neck? You defintely didn't trade your funk for what's behind the 3rd door.

No. 4 though - you gave the name of the album. Which is not without merit as it caused me to break it out. I'm listening to the Sir Nose De'VoidofFunk right now. Ahhh, the groove.

The correct answer is Funkentelechy, though I seem to recall it making a brief appearence in some other P-funk tune.

But you know how the game is played: heads I win, tails you lose.

Posted by: Publicola at January 25, 2004 01:15 PM (Aao25)

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This is a test, because so far not one darn thing will actually post... I'm getting 'server timeout messages'.

Update: Ka-wham! The bit I've been trying to post just showed up with this one, but none of the pinging happened.

Posted by: Ted at 07:33 AM | category: Square Pegs
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*Who is now happily married and no longer fits this category.**

**As far as I know.***

***Thanks to Tiger for the spare footnotes.

Picture found at and all credit due to the always hilarious Curmudgeonly & Skeptical.

Posted by: Ted at 10:45 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1. What in the world is that logo along either sideline of the Patriots field? It's a subdued gray-blue and looks like a stylized volcano or hands reaching up. Any idea?

2. Could someone in the New England area please Please PLEASE wait at the airport and kill make mute Phil Simms before he can broadcast again? If killing is too extreme, I'd settle for removal of his vocal cords. By the fourth quarter the play-by-play guy (Gumbel) has to fight to get a word in edgewise as Simms rambles on and on and on.

Update: Hmmm, Tiger brings up a good point. In today's world, hyperbole isn't always acceptable. So for the record, I don't advocate the actual murder of anyone, even someone as annoying as Phil Simms (or Chris Collinsworth for that matter). It was a rant, ok? Anti-Nike: Don't do it.

Posted by: Ted at 05:52 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Next time you need to refer to somewhere remote, instead of "Bumf**k, Egypt", try "Unpronouncylvania" instead.

Posted by: Ted at 02:02 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Flathead County, Montana is home to the newspaper Bigfork Eagle, which recently had an article containing all the sordid details about a recent law enforcement investigation. It's brief and you really should read it all for the chuckles interspersed with "ewwww" moments. Here are the last two sentences of the article:

"It appears we have a serial horse rapist," Dupont said.

The sheriff's office is investigating, and Dupont advised horse owners to be vigilant.

Posted by: Ted at 07:06 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Another special logo, check it out.

Posted by: Ted at 08:27 PM | category: Square Pegs
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