Dear Tide,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well.

I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out!

They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!

I thank you once again for a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Sincerely,

Posted by: Ted at 05:08 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Jim at Snooze Button Dreams has a wonderful list of things today's kids should know. I'm proud to say I've tried to hammer most of these into the thick skulls of my kids as they grew up.

Parenting tip: bigger hammer.

Posted by: Ted at 07:40 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. to become:

Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers to become:

3M to merge with Goodyear to become:

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining to become:

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers to become:

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants to become:

Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women to become:

Posted by: Ted at 06:40 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Tonight (Monday, March on TCM - Turner Classic Movies, beginning at 8pm Eastern Standard, are three Sherlock Holmes movies in a row.

Posted by: Ted at 05:04 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Like most folks, I like to bring in a few personal items to put here and there around my work area. I've only ever had one problem, and I honestly didn't see it coming. From my days as a serious guitar player, I had some posters of a few dream guitars I hoped to own one day, so I brought them in to hang on my bulletin board. One day I came in to find one poster (in the extended entry - work safe in all but the most conservative environments) taken down by the boss, with a note telling me that pornography would not be tolerated. more...

Posted by: Ted at 05:01 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the 'big' questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

Posted by: Ted at 05:29 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 And, of course, answerin' the really big questions, like should I change my title graphic again?

Posted by: Tiger at March 07, 2004 06:49 PM (G5PGV)

2 haha..my favorite is "how did I get here?"

Posted by: jim at March 07, 2004 08:10 PM (lN8eP)

3 I think the proper way to phrase the question would be "How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before my body rejects it as an unnatural foriegn substance?"

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at March 07, 2004 10:34 PM (CSxVi)

4 People who find themselves worrying about their diet are probably not getting enough red meat

Posted by: Tuning Spork at March 08, 2004 12:03 AM (EK50s)

5 Ice Cream is its own food group, and I don't eat cheap ice cream. Turkey Hill rules.

Posted by: Ted at March 08, 2004 06:59 AM (blNMI)

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Here's a list of great team names you might consider for your next fantasy league:

Fluffy White Bunnies
Yellow Brick Roadkill
Fridge Raiders
Bobbin' Monicas
Fighting Pacifists
Tijuana Tabledancers
Red Headed Step Children
Northeast Southwesterners
Altoona Fish
Battling Budgies
Boston Stranglers
Brooklyn Draft Dodgers
Santa Monica Lewinskis
Scoregasm
Sears Craftsmen
Anhauser Buschwhackers
Pabst Smears
Iowa Cowtippers
Cleveland Earthtones

and of course my favorite: Rockets

Posted by: Ted at 01:48 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 "Scoregasm" sounds like a porn movie.

Not that I've ever watched one or anything.

Posted by: TL Hines at March 05, 2004 03:02 PM (dGwDL)

2 I LOVE Yellow Brick Roadkill. I'm planning the opening ceremonies of my company's annual to-do, and our theme is Wizard of Oz. Although, with our super-gay/room-bursts-into-flames leader, it should really be themed Priscilla: Queen of the Desert. Heh. In any event, he wants this to be a costume ball ... I am SO going as Y.B. Roadkill!!!!

Posted by: Dawn at March 05, 2004 04:44 PM (L6pam)

3 I can see it now: Emerald green dress to mid-calf, bold black tire tread marks running diagonally front and back, and just for fun, little munchin legs hanging out the bottom of the hemline.

Posted by: Ted at March 05, 2004 04:54 PM (ZjSa7)

4 "...and the Mets have batted around and have taken a six run lead in this 9th inning scoregasm..."
Oh, if only I could be a sportscaster for a day.

Posted by: Tuning Spork at March 06, 2004 03:38 PM (H+Q1O)

5 I use The Frying Dutchmen as the name for my fantasy teams...but these raise intruiguing possibilities

Posted by: Scott at March 07, 2004 01:08 AM (rZmE1)

6 If you have logos, join in the fun!

Posted by: Wik at July 23, 2004 03:21 PM (q8nsm)

7 The best one I've used is "The Cunning Linguists"

Posted by: Philip at October 01, 2004 02:51 PM (puYg9)

8 I use The Bean Flickers in my fantasy football league but I'm looking for something a bit more crude.

Posted by: mike at October 21, 2004 06:26 AM (mQiiE)

9 Amish Porn kings

Posted by: Rod Hard at December 21, 2004 11:33 AM (Y4fgK)

10 I do like some of those names. I use Idaho Slapahos in my keeper league. One of my buddies his team is named Eaton Beavers. My little brothers football team was named Grumpy Grandmas. Just a few others I thought I would throw out there.

Posted by: D.J. Nelson at May 18, 2005 04:44 AM (1a8s5)

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(answers in the extended entry)

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get catgut?

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI's first name?

8. What color is a purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?

10. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? more...

Posted by: Ted at 06:44 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Like someone said in the comments, this guy is every 10 year old's dream dad.

Posted by: Ted at 02:33 PM | category: Square Pegs
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