All night long. This morning I stepped in a poodle.

Posted by: Ted at 07:38 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Liz got this in email and couldn't wait to share it with me.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Posted by: Ted at 05:56 AM | category: Square Pegs
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With all the beautiful warm weather we've been having, the freaking mosquito's have come out in force.

Tomorrow it drops below freezing again and it's gonna be a bloodsucking slaughter. Heh.

Posted by: Ted at 07:28 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Or in this case, the old workplace.

I worked in the building across the street for several years, but now they're demolishing it. They've spent several weeks gutting the interiors, and yesterday started in with the wrecking ball.

My old office is a balcony.

Posted by: Ted at 11:40 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 I fear that even demolition and destruction will still not be enough to bring about the demise of the carton of eggnog!

Posted by: dawn at January 13, 2005 11:34 AM (Dh1V0)

2 Different old workplace. The nog stands unmolested.

Posted by: Ted at January 13, 2005 12:16 PM (blNMI)

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The takeover was pretty darn hostile, but Oracle finally absorbed PeopleSoft. Now they're announcing immediate layoffs, and rumors hold it could be up to half of the original PeopleSoft workforce.

Good.

I've dealt with PeopleSoft products and they're less than impressive, in a violently inhaled cave-in-your-cheeks sort of way. Bitter? Nahhhhhh.

Posted by: Ted at 07:03 PM | category: Square Pegs
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(in the extended entry) more...

Posted by: Ted at 12:06 PM | category: Square Pegs
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In football, playoffs are those extra games at the end of the year between all the teams in the league who win enough games. They use the playoff games to figure out who the best team is that season.

I know some Washington Redskins fans are confused as to why some teams are still playing. In recent seasons, the Redskins have sometimes stopped playing football as early as October.

Posted by: Ted at 09:43 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I'm sure this has been all over the net and email, but what the heck.

(in the extended entry) more...

Posted by: Ted at 04:24 AM | category: Square Pegs
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If you display an American flag at your house, replace it when it gets faded or worn. Check your phone book for a local American Legion or Veteran's of Foreign Wars (VFW) post and they'll take the old flag and dispose of it properly.

In fact, ask about attending a flag disposal ceremony. It's a stirring tribute to Old Glory, and something everyone should see at least once.

Posted by: Ted at 05:32 AM | category: Square Pegs
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On Futurama, one of the newscasters is Morbo, an alien with a serious dislike for humans. When asked "how's the family?", he replies, "numerous and belligerent."

Oh yeah, every time.

Posted by: Ted at 06:05 AM | category: Square Pegs
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PETA is oblivious to how stupid they appear to most people:

A prominent U.S.-based animal rights group urged former President Jimmy Carter on Monday to give up fishing on the grounds that the activity was inconsistent the Nobel peace laureate's humanitarian efforts.

This kind of argument could actually sway the man, which makes me shudder to think he occupied the oval office for four years.

Posted by: Ted at 11:22 AM | category: Square Pegs
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To the person who got here by Googling "true erotic paperboy story", well, I'll 'fess up now.

Never. Nada. Zip.

Thanks for asking, though.

As for the person looking for "indentations above ass crack", they're called dimples.

Posted by: Ted at 05:55 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Baseball's Los Angeles Anaheim California Los Angeles Anaheim Angels have announced that their new official team name is the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, George Steinbrenner has announced that his team will henceforth be known as the Boston Yankees of New York, and the Irsay family hopped on the bandwagon by renaming their team the Baltimore Colts of Indianapolis.

Lawyers for Al Davis are looking into the possibilty of suing all North American sports leagues over ownership of the name "Los Angeles".

Posted by: Ted at 05:16 PM | category: Square Pegs
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I'm looking forward to that new Fox series Point Pleasant (link is bandwidth intensive). I just hope the actual show lives up to the hype.

I also will not drink Miller beer as long as those lame-assed referee commercials air. Miller is quickly joining the short list of products I refuse to use on principle, because they blatantly insult my intelligence.

Posted by: Ted at 03:26 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Firefox. It's actually been downloaded onto my PC for a couple of weeks now, but I never got around to installing it until this morning. It seemed like a nice way to welcome the New Year.

In other trivial news, yesterday I discovered that my oldest daughter has no funk in her soul. She is funk-free. How sad.

Posted by: Ted at 09:59 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 "yesterday I discovered that my oldest daughter has no funk in her soul. She is funk-free."

Maybe you can find a donor. Is anybody in the family a soul match? Would a telethon help?

Posted by: nic at January 01, 2005 09:56 PM (etHvD)

2 She's young. Perhaps she'll find her funk.

Posted by: Catt at January 02, 2005 12:12 PM (2XMgB)

3 On the other hand, if she fakes the funk, her nose will grow.

Posted by: CGHill at January 02, 2005 03:01 PM (AUDQP)

4 Fake funk is what caused disco.

Posted by: Ted at January 02, 2005 03:22 PM (ZjSa7)

5 I'd just like to hear the story of how you discovered this.

Posted by: Tuning Spork at January 02, 2005 07:29 PM (EI8+J)

6 There's no story, just a definite lack of enjoyment as Sly & the Family Stone were playing on the stereo.

It's been kinda fun though, because she's rather insulted that I would write that about her.

Posted by: Ted at January 03, 2005 06:01 AM (blNMI)

7 CODE FUNK-A-LERT!

get that girl some Tower of Power and some P-Funk!

IV!

STAT!

Posted by: Rob@L&R at January 03, 2005 12:21 PM (dDlA0)

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