Flipping the zippy, pounding yer pud, spanking the monkey, etc. Whatever you call it, it's all just snazzier ways of saying "male masturbation" (how sterile and clinical that sounds!). The first time I ever heard it called "choking your chicken" was in Basic Training, and it was one of our drill sergeant's favorite phrases.

I had a boss once who's still a very good friend. He was single, and made no bones about it - he beat off frequently. During our smoke breaks at work we'd get into some of the damndest conversations - "that older sister on The Wild Thornberry's, I bet she'd be a demon in bed" - and my boss would smile and say, "I've got to go be alone with myself now."

I used to tease him about it all the time. I'd tell him he jerked off so often that he kept a picture of his right hand in his wallet.

He used his left hand sometimes just so he could pretend he was with a stranger.

For him, foreplay was kissing and licking his fingers.

Got any good one-liners or anecdotes? Put 'em in the comments. Don't be shy, we all know it's stuff that's happened to your 'friend'. Uh-huh, sure.

And just to be crass, here's a related Helen Keller joke:

Q: Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she could moan with the other.

Posted by: Ted at 07:48 AM | category: Square Pegs
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