Part 1 is here.

The question was, if you don't gamble, what the hell are you doing in Vegas?

Three words, my friend: Shows. Food. Attractions. Shopping. Sightseeing.

That was more than three words? Yes it was, and it's the perfect demonstration of why I don't gamble. I'm smart enough to know I'm not smart enough to handle the math. And Las Vegas is built on math.

As a quick aside, I love the psychology and social engineering of casinos. One of the easiest table games to understand is the "Big 6" wheel. It's a giant vertical wheel, with dollar amounts on each click. On the table, you place your bets on matching dollar amounts. Maybe half the wheel is populated with ones and pays 1:1 - bet a dollar, win a dollar. A third of what's left on the wheel is twos and pays 2:1, a third of what's left is fives and pays 5:1, and so on with tens and twentys and sometimes the dreaded "0" and "00" like roullette. So you plop your chips down on what you think will come up and they spin the wheel and money is won and lost. Very simple to understand and very fun to play.

This table also features the worst odds in a casino.

That's the math part, but I also mentioned the psychology. I once watched several busloads of tourists unload and enter a casino, each with a voucher for ten or twenty bucks in chips as part of their tour package. As they came through the bus entrance, the first thing they saw was the Big 6 table, staffed by two friendly, engaging people who were more than happy to exchange those vouchers for chips. I kid you not, more than half of that "free" gambling money was drained off of an incoming group by that table before the folks ever set foot into the actual casino. Sometimes the percentage was even higher than that, and eighty percent would be a reasonable estimate. And the people had fun, and what the hell, it was "free" money that they were losing. Brilliant.

Aside over.

One of the highlights when you visit Las Vegas is the shows. We'd already gotten tickets to see Penn & Teller, who're most recently noted for their cable TV show Bullshit.

Their Vegas show actually starts an hour earlier than all the billboards state because when the doors open an excellent two-piece combo - piano and upright bass - plays for the first hour. After every song, the piano player asks everyone in the audience to come up on stage and sign this giant envelope which is later used in the show. He's got this perfect breathy MC voice thing going, and the pitch is sly and funny.

"If you don't come up and sign this envelope, you will feel disappointment, and that's a sad, unhappy feeling. Please, because we care about your mental health, bring a friend or loved one up and participate in the Penn & Teller Envelope Signing Experience."

The actual show is very cool and of course, everything has the wicked twisted humor that they're famous for.

You may have heard that after the show Penn & Teller come out into the lobby and talk to the audience and sign autographs. It's true (Teller speaks too). They autographed one of our tickets for Liz, and the other they signed "Happy Birthday Rachael" with a little birthday cake on it. We also bought Rachael this shirt.

We also saw Splash, which has been running since 1968 at the Riviera. They update it every year, and it was more your typical Vegas variety and review show, with dancing (sometimes topless) showgirls (in fact, the tits are trotted out about 45 seconds after the opening notes are sung), comedians and more. We saw those crazy-assed motorcycle riders who do their thing inside the steel mesh ball. They actually had four going at once in there, their helmets almost touching at the center point as they demonstrated the beauty of spatial geometry when combined with internal combustion engines.

A former US Ladies Freestyle ice skating champion did a strip tease on skates, while twirling multiple hula-hoops around various parts of her body. There were ice dancers and acrobats and a guy gymnast (eye candy for the ladies!) who put on an pretty amazing show of his own.

Third Vegas Tip: Do your research! Some shows sell out long in advance, so you've got to get your tickets early. Go to Vegas.Com and look around at the shows listed. There's something for everyone in all price ranges, and discounts abound for the second and third tier shows. We used a "buy one, get one" coupon for Splash, which saved us quite a bit of money.

We also purchased a "value pack" before we left which allowed us to print coupons and special offers for some shows and restaurants. Using the coupon for Splash paid for the package by itself, and we used quite a few others in the stack of possibilities that we'd printed and taken along.

Now a few words about food in Vegas.

Every casino offers a steakhouse, various fine dining choices, a buffet and a cafe. A lot of them have added food courts, like you'd find in a mall.

We don't do fine dining. Liz is a picky eater and not at all adventurous when it comes to food. I'm a barbarian, I can be just as happy with a good meal as a great meal. That said, there's a cuisine and style for everyone on the strip. Once again, do a little research ahead of time on the internet, because after all these years and with the number of Las Vegas entertainment publications, every damn eatery can truthfully claim to be selected as "Best on the Strip", and they all do.

That goes for most of the restaurants too, not just the fine dining.

There are some damn good buffets available in Las Vegas, if you know where and when to go. We visited a few that ranged from mediocre to fair. Disappointing, actually.

Fourth Vegas Tip: For about the same money as the buffets (and get used to it now, eating is going to be pricey), the cafe's in each casino are your best bet.

On our first night in town, after a day of flying and not eating much at all, we were starved. We wound up at the Pyramid Cafe in the Luxor and ordered dinner. Our bill was around forty bucks for the two of us, and we quickly learned that meals for two would run between $35-$50.

But the food... mmmmmmmmmm. I'd ordered the Monte Cristo, which is about the dumbest sandwich ever invented. For those that don't know, it's ham, turkey and swiss, dipped in egg batter and fried, dusted with powdered sugar and served with strawberry jam (but I think raspberry is traditional). Liz ordered some kind of club sandwich that was excellent as well. On the side, I had the best potato salad I've ever eaten in my life. I want my homemade potato salad to be this stuff. I'm pissed because I never went back just for an order of potato salad, it was that good.

At other cafe's, we had Cobb Salads, Chicken Parmesian, an enourmous "appetizer" of nachos with steak and guacamole that overwhelmed a platter bigger than anything in our kitchen, and so on. A slice of cheesecake was big enough for two, covered with sliced fresh strawberrys and real whipped cream. One morning we had breakfast in a deli near Ceasar's Palace, and I had homemade corned beef hash that was excellent. Again, figure around twenty bucks per person and don't sweat it.

One of my "strategies" to combat the heat was to order a soda or beer with my meal, and get a water on the side. And keep the water coming. It was well over 100 degrees there every day (closer to 110 usually), and I did a fair amount of walking outside, so at mealtimes especially I'd rehydrate like crazy.

Bottled water or soda is going to run $2.00 and up. You can occasionally find an enterprising young man on the street who has a cooler of bottled water for a buck a shot. Drinking fountains are few and far between. So even though you're going to have to pay out the nose for water, you can still save a little by doing what I did and drinking mostly water (and lots of it) during mealtimes.

There are food values to be found, if you look and are willing to go a little out of your way for them. Things like $10 steak dinners and jumbo hot dogs for a buck and such. Once again, do your research beforehand, because they're listed online and often you have to ask the waiter for them as they won't be on the menu. Las Vegas McDonalds is priced mostly like McDonalds at home, but I didn't go to Vegas to eat Big Macs.

A new addition since I last visited are Krispy Kreme donut shops in a few of the casinos. Most just take delivery from the main stores and sell for a buck a shot, any kind. The Excalibur has a big shop, with the entire donut making assembly line behind a glass wall so you can see them go from raw dough to finished glazed perfection in minutes. These are good options for a late night sweet tooth or early morning quickie breakfast.

So that covers shows and food. Next time it'll be attractions (or how I spent 90% of my time), shopping and sightseeing.

Posted by: Ted at 12:34 PM | category: Square Pegs
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