Saturday night I was watching the Capitals game on TV, and saw that they had a bunch of former Caps there. They were celebrating 30 years of the Caps or something, and I thought to myself "Man, that would've been cool to see."

Then it dawned on me, Mookie and I were supposed to go to that game.

Victor, Nic, and anyone else too polite to mention our no-show, sorry about that. It was just one of those complete and total blank moments.

Posted by: Ted at 10:11 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Up top, another go-round for the most popular Rocket Jones banner, judging from the number of positive responses.

Stage right, a new tagline for the archive. If you've got one you like, leave it in the comments and we'll add it.

I haven't forgotten the next series of Build It posts, on Box Hockey. Life got busy and I haven't had a chance to get going on it. Very soon, I promise.

Likewise on the special pages I talked about last week. That's become my number 1 priority blog-wise, because it's the most important personally. But it's just so darned hard to do. You'll understand why when you see it.

Posted by: Ted at 10:22 PM | category: Square Pegs
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That's what my computer announces loudly when I shut down at the end of the day. There's no sneaking out early for me.

What kind of custom sound-bites do you have loaded on your machine?

Posted by: Ted at 02:09 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Voyager computer voice.

Upon starting up: "Command codes verified."

Upon shutting down: "Standing by."

I also use one of the incoming comm alerts for email notification.

Yup. Me geek.

Posted by: Robert the Llama Butcher at March 18, 2004 04:53 PM (XQmyz)

2 Haven't done it yet, but i've been meaning to bring in a mic and record a shut down message on our "communal" lab computer that says something stupid like, "Think you're gonna shut me down you stupid A** Hole? Well Fu** you!"

Yah, too much time on my hands.

Posted by: cbeck at March 18, 2004 05:32 PM (N2x5u)

3 My incoming email sound on my laptop is the Lumbourgh "Mmmm... yeah..." from Office Space and my appointment alert is "Did you bring me a monkey?" by Number 4 from Multiplicity.

Posted by: Phelps at March 18, 2004 06:47 PM (HlHi7)

4 Don't have anything programmed, but, if I could I would have it chime what I hope will be my dying words (if I can remember to say them): "That's it. I'm outta here..."

Posted by: Tuning Spork at March 18, 2004 09:21 PM (4vfwI)

5 The boys at Gannett (y'know, the ones who print USA Today, the NY Times and my crappy paper) have a great "You've got SPAM!" message when they get e-mail. I had a "What the FUCK?" as my error message at home, but I deleted it. And, of course, I used to have a Homer Simpson's "D'OH!" as an error message for awhile. Now I just have the Chew Toy sound as my alert message. Seemed more appropriate!

Posted by: Dawn at March 18, 2004 09:22 PM (Q0xHi)

6 When I boot up, Cartman says "Democrats piss me off!" and when I shut down, Ike (Stan's little brother) says "Don't kick the baby."

Posted by: Susie at March 18, 2004 10:45 PM (ni0vr)

7 I mean Kyle's little brother. Dang! I must been getting senile...

Posted by: Susie at March 18, 2004 10:47 PM (ni0vr)

8 Startup the classic Darth Vader "What is thy bidding my master?"

Shutdown Verbal Kent from the ususal suspects "And like that... he's gone."

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at March 18, 2004 11:06 PM (CSxVi)

9 Oh yah and two different email alerts.

The main account: From Monty Python and the Holy Grail "(arrow soud) Message for you sir."

Blog account Computer generated voice saying "Hold the Mayo."


I know it shows a pathetic lack of imagination and creativity but sometimes the classics are classics for a reason - they just work.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at March 18, 2004 11:13 PM (CSxVi)

10 Given that I receive several hundred emails a day, I have turned off the audible alert.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at March 19, 2004 01:23 AM (kOqZ6)

11 A year ago I installed an email alert on my supervisor's machine. She's never been able to get rid of it, so every time she gets email, Gus (Robert Duvall) from Lonesome Dove says "You do more work than you have to, which means that I have to do less." (or something to that effect)

Posted by: Ted at March 19, 2004 07:07 AM (ZjSa7)

12 When my computer starts it plays the sound bite from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, when Riff Raff says :"Master, Master, we have a visitor..."
And when I shut it down it plays one from the Silence of the Lambs where Dr. Lector says at the end "I do wish we could chat longer but...I'm having an old friend for dinner..."
I just recently changed my mail announcement to " I have a message for you" from Hal (from 2001). I used to have Warf from The Next Generation tell me "Captain, incoming message."
I change them all the time.

Posted by: Blogeline at March 19, 2004 11:37 AM (O27QY)

13 I got a ton of them which my wife usually complains about. I have some 2001 clips. On win start I get the holodeck "program loaded enter when ready".
I keep changing the mail message, right now I am using a clip form Robin hood men in tights "message for you"/ I used to have a sexy female voice saying "Master I have message for you" but I got tired of it.
I also have some clips from babylon5 and the anime series Trigun for various events. I wouldn't mind adding the Elvis clip to my collection.

Posted by: Starhawk at March 20, 2004 08:51 AM (Yq1pI)

14 Hello: I used to have the sound bite "Elvis has left the building" on my machine at shut down but I've lost the sound bite. Do you know where I can download this clip again. I appreciate your help! Joe

Posted by: Joe at August 03, 2005 06:49 PM (M7kiy)

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First they tempt the young with the minor demons FrankenBerry, Count Chocula and Boo Berry, who are truly abominations unto His eye.

Once in the unholy grip of the sugar coma, they roll out the big guns (in the extended entry). more...

Posted by: Ted at 08:53 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I had one of those 'oh shit' moments this morning when I opened my email.

If you've been reading regularly, you've heard me mention that we're installing brand new computer software which bears a remarkable resemblance to Linda Lovelace.

Last week, my boss's boss asked me a couple of questions about the old and new software. I was on my way out the door, so I gave some off-the-top-of-my-head answers. The next morning I came in and wrote up a detailed analysis based on his questions because I wasn't satisfied with what I'd originally told him. I sent it to him via email and forgot about it.

Since it was an informal email, it was written much in the style of this blog: full of odd contractions, slang, quick jokes and asides, but it did get the message across. Here are the last lines:

I feel like Tevya: on the one handÂ… on the other handÂ… Oy!

Ted

So this morning I open my email and get a very nice thank you for the "excellent write-up - balanced and reasoned." The thank you came from my boss's boss's boss's... aw hell, it's from four levels above the guy I sent it too. The forwarding trail shows where each boss in turn read it and sent it on up the line.

It's good analysis, but I'm waiting for someone to come talk to me about how to compose 'official' correspondence.

Posted by: Ted at 07:57 AM | category: Square Pegs
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A lot of people seem to really have it in for hippies, and it's just not fair. I grew up in the 60's, and my best friend from those days had an uncle who had a barbershop right on the edge of the Haight Ashbury district of San Fransisco (talk about poor location!). My friend and I would visit his uncle during our summer vacations, and since he was working, we'd basically run the streets all day. Remember the days when you could do that without worry? Here's what I experienced: like any other group, there were good people and bad people. They didn't stink, they weren't all stoned all day, a lot of them had jobs, or at least something that they worked at. Nobody ever offered me drugs, and as a child I was treated with respect and kindness. Pretty freakin' horrible, eh?

Yet a lot of people who start raising hell when someone labels an ethnic group with an offensive word or stereotype have no problem joking about "smelly hippies". Enough with the negativity, hypocrites.

Learn something about what being a hippie really meant. You don't have to agree with them, I don't. But having different beliefs doesn't mean you have to look down at them either.

In some ways, hippies were the ultimate 'minimal government' movement. "Do your own thing", "whatever turns you on" and other phrases all boil down to "Leave me alone". They were never, and could never get organized enough to become a real political force.

Being a hippie was more than long hair and beads and bell bottoms. A lot of people dressed like hippies, because it was trendy. For a while in the 80's a lot of people dressed like Rambo, that didn't make them mercenaries.

So there's my minor-league vent about hippies. And here's a twofer: take most everything I said above and apply it to bikers too.

Posted by: Ted at 05:30 AM | category: Square Pegs
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So anyone who's read the Sunday funnies today and saw this joke in Pickles is wondering how my dad anticipated that.

Parents just know stuff. Like how my folks always knew when I came home from school that I'd cut a class or two, even though the school hadn't called and they were at work all day anyways. They just knew.

I once told my mom that I was glad they named me Ted. When she asked why, I said that it's what everyone called me. Pretty smart (ass), eh? I probably got smacked, or at least sent outside to pester the neighborhood.

Oh, and that whole 'cutting class' thing... the rule in our house has always been "Do as I say, not as I do". Right Mookie?

Posted by: Ted at 12:22 PM | category: Square Pegs
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I was just mildly chewed out after a meeting with the managers. They understand my frustrations, and admired the descriptiveness of the phrase, but I'm no longer allowed to say that "the system goes down more than Linda Lovelace."

Posted by: Ted at 09:37 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 It's quite colorful and adds a certain drama. I like that...

Posted by: Paul at March 12, 2004 10:59 AM (JLUgl)

2 That's one reason that I like working with lawyers. No one bats an eye at phrases like, "it's a big shit sandwitch and we all have to take a bite."

Posted by: phelps at March 12, 2004 02:29 PM (P+WmR)

3 Heh, The Powers That Be are always telling me to watch it, too. Apparently saying things like "That part of the system sucks wet farts out of dead pidgeons" is not comporting myself in a professional manner.

Neither is "The lab's tits up and fucked sideways"

Posted by: Matt Navarre at March 12, 2004 03:51 PM (+7Usq)

4
About a broken thing (electronic): Wheels up in the weeds in the barditch beside the information superhighway.

About a person who will not do right and cannot be made to do right: You can't embarass a flatulent skunk.

Posted by: homebru at March 12, 2004 10:38 PM (KQ+3d)

5 Yeah, the broads hate it when you say things like that.

Posted by: Dawn at March 12, 2004 11:21 PM (Q0xHi)

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It's been more than a month since our last Nog Watch entry, so I took a look inside the work fridge this morning. The carton is still there, apparently undisturbed, although someone obviously went through the shelves and tossed the worst of the science experiments.

I noticed that as the light shined through the carton, you can tell that the carton is half full. Some unholy impulse made me pick up the carton and give it a shake. It doesn't slosh. *shudder*

Posted by: Ted at 07:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Heard from my dad, and thought I'd share some of it with you.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. This is a great example.

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an asshole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a crap.

My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.

Posted by: Ted at 01:13 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 First, it was Leann. I told myself, "Never, ever have a drink in hand when you go to Leann's blog."

Then, I had to add Pixy Misa to the list with his ongoing anecdotes about those eee-vil computers (man, I've been there).

There are other blogs I visit dry as well.

Et tu, Ted?

Posted by: Linda at March 11, 2004 07:00 PM (EQSNS)

2 Hmmm. Strong family resemblence, huh?

Posted by: nic at March 11, 2004 07:01 PM (16A49)

3 BWAHAHAHA!!!!!!! I love yer Dad!!!! (He reminds me of my "Grampy"!)

Posted by: Tuning Spork at March 11, 2004 10:49 PM (FNeP6)

4 I think you should bring your dad over to play.

Posted by: LeeAnn at March 15, 2004 09:26 AM (HxCeX)

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Over at Silflay Hraka, Bigwig talked about a theoretical construct called the CD Potlatch. He also included his list of music from his iPod, and invited folks to make fun of his musical taste. I didn't, but I'm always interested in seeing other people's music collections, because tastes vary so much.

Take my music list for example (Excel format). A lot of my music was purchased when I was a DJ, so there's a little bit of everything in there, including lots of compilations. Because I had to handle requests, there's not much on the list that I didn't listen to at least semi-regularly. You can see some patterns in the list too. For instance, I used to do a couple parties a year at a VA Hospital, so I have a lot of Big Band music for the old-timers. But I love Big Band music, so that was never a problem. I also noticed that the list isn't quite complete, because I have some instrumental 'dinner music' that isn't there. I'll have to figure out where those CD's are. I don't have much classical either, but none at all made it onto the list. *scratching head*

If Bigwig can do it, so can I. Go on, make fun of my taste, I can take it.

Posted by: Ted at 06:57 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Former Washington Capital Calle Johannson came out of retirement today to sign with the Toronto Maple Leafs.

The Washington Post also reports that Ottawa Senators plane is scheduled to head back to Canada this afternoon after the 3pm EST trading deadline, in anticipation of taking Caps goalie Olaf Kolzig and defenseman Brendan Witt along.

Forwards Bates Battaglia, Kip Miller, and Mike Grier are also expected to be moved before the trading deadline, meaning the Caps might have the deepest minor league hockey roster currently playing at the NHL level.

This is beyond depressing.

Posted by: Ted at 01:15 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Mojo Boogie

I been to New Orleans, I sure had a wonderful time
I been to New Orleans, I sure had a wonderful time
I was high, high as a Georgia pine

You know, my auntie carried me all down on Rampart Street
I seen everybody I wanted to meet
She said, J.B., son, stop and listen to me,
They got something knock you off of your feet

They got the mojo boogie
Mojo boogie
They got the mojo boogie, begin to slide on down

- J. B. Lenoir

The Johnny Winter version of Mojo Boogie was cranked on the way to work this morning. I've been in a nostalgic mood lately as I catalog my CD collection. Billie Holiday is on as I write this, and B.B. King is on deck.

Posted by: Ted at 07:18 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Dear Tide,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well.

I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out!

They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!

I thank you once again for a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Sincerely,

Posted by: Ted at 05:08 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Jim at Snooze Button Dreams has a wonderful list of things today's kids should know. I'm proud to say I've tried to hammer most of these into the thick skulls of my kids as they grew up.

Parenting tip: bigger hammer.

Posted by: Ted at 07:40 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. to become:

Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers to become:

3M to merge with Goodyear to become:

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining to become:

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers to become:

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants to become:

Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women to become:

Posted by: Ted at 06:40 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Tonight (Monday, March on TCM - Turner Classic Movies, beginning at 8pm Eastern Standard, are three Sherlock Holmes movies in a row.

Posted by: Ted at 05:04 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Like most folks, I like to bring in a few personal items to put here and there around my work area. I've only ever had one problem, and I honestly didn't see it coming. From my days as a serious guitar player, I had some posters of a few dream guitars I hoped to own one day, so I brought them in to hang on my bulletin board. One day I came in to find one poster (in the extended entry - work safe in all but the most conservative environments) taken down by the boss, with a note telling me that pornography would not be tolerated. more...

Posted by: Ted at 05:01 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the 'big' questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

Posted by: Ted at 05:29 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 And, of course, answerin' the really big questions, like should I change my title graphic again?

Posted by: Tiger at March 07, 2004 06:49 PM (G5PGV)

2 haha..my favorite is "how did I get here?"

Posted by: jim at March 07, 2004 08:10 PM (lN8eP)

3 I think the proper way to phrase the question would be "How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before my body rejects it as an unnatural foriegn substance?"

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at March 07, 2004 10:34 PM (CSxVi)

4 People who find themselves worrying about their diet are probably not getting enough red meat

Posted by: Tuning Spork at March 08, 2004 12:03 AM (EK50s)

5 Ice Cream is its own food group, and I don't eat cheap ice cream. Turkey Hill rules.

Posted by: Ted at March 08, 2004 06:59 AM (blNMI)

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Here's a list of great team names you might consider for your next fantasy league:

Fluffy White Bunnies
Yellow Brick Roadkill
Fridge Raiders
Bobbin' Monicas
Fighting Pacifists
Tijuana Tabledancers
Red Headed Step Children
Northeast Southwesterners
Altoona Fish
Battling Budgies
Boston Stranglers
Brooklyn Draft Dodgers
Santa Monica Lewinskis
Scoregasm
Sears Craftsmen
Anhauser Buschwhackers
Pabst Smears
Iowa Cowtippers
Cleveland Earthtones

and of course my favorite: Rockets

Posted by: Ted at 01:48 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 "Scoregasm" sounds like a porn movie.

Not that I've ever watched one or anything.

Posted by: TL Hines at March 05, 2004 03:02 PM (dGwDL)

2 I LOVE Yellow Brick Roadkill. I'm planning the opening ceremonies of my company's annual to-do, and our theme is Wizard of Oz. Although, with our super-gay/room-bursts-into-flames leader, it should really be themed Priscilla: Queen of the Desert. Heh. In any event, he wants this to be a costume ball ... I am SO going as Y.B. Roadkill!!!!

Posted by: Dawn at March 05, 2004 04:44 PM (L6pam)

3 I can see it now: Emerald green dress to mid-calf, bold black tire tread marks running diagonally front and back, and just for fun, little munchin legs hanging out the bottom of the hemline.

Posted by: Ted at March 05, 2004 04:54 PM (ZjSa7)

4 "...and the Mets have batted around and have taken a six run lead in this 9th inning scoregasm..."
Oh, if only I could be a sportscaster for a day.

Posted by: Tuning Spork at March 06, 2004 03:38 PM (H+Q1O)

5 I use The Frying Dutchmen as the name for my fantasy teams...but these raise intruiguing possibilities

Posted by: Scott at March 07, 2004 01:08 AM (rZmE1)

6 If you have logos, join in the fun!

Posted by: Wik at July 23, 2004 03:21 PM (q8nsm)

7 The best one I've used is "The Cunning Linguists"

Posted by: Philip at October 01, 2004 02:51 PM (puYg9)

8 I use The Bean Flickers in my fantasy football league but I'm looking for something a bit more crude.

Posted by: mike at October 21, 2004 06:26 AM (mQiiE)

9 Amish Porn kings

Posted by: Rod Hard at December 21, 2004 11:33 AM (Y4fgK)

10 I do like some of those names. I use Idaho Slapahos in my keeper league. One of my buddies his team is named Eaton Beavers. My little brothers football team was named Grumpy Grandmas. Just a few others I thought I would throw out there.

Posted by: D.J. Nelson at May 18, 2005 04:44 AM (1a8s5)

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