Have you seen that television commercial where the guy walks through a lab and "reads" the ingredients from an anonymous drink? It sounds horrible and even he can't pronounce some of those evil chemicals.

Then he says, "or you can have my favorite, orange juice. Ingredients: fresh air, rain, sunshine."

Damn, that's the ingredients for hemlock too! And marijuana! Or the actual freakin' orange tree itself by that logic. Mmmmm, liquified tree.

Here's a thought, instead of assuming I'm an idiot, why don't you read me the actual chemical composition of OJ, and lets see how many compounds you mispronounce.

I think I'll have a glass of apple juice.

Posted by: Ted at 08:59 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Hahahaha, yeah, that marketing bullshit aggravates me too.

Posted by: Maelstrom at August 04, 2005 10:37 PM (h8+48)

2 Watch Out! There's arsenic in apple juice!

(Well, apple seeds anyways...)

Posted by: GEBIV at August 06, 2005 09:57 AM (imGML)

3 I seem to remember an american 'justice' TV show :

"OJ kills!"

Posted by: Stu Savory at August 06, 2005 10:37 AM (n1pEb)

4 J'ever read the ingredients on a bottle of hair spray?

But, then again, you don't eat hair spray...

Posted by: Tuning Spork at August 06, 2005 11:07 AM (cgoUW)

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Former Capitals defensiveman Sergei Gonchar signs with Pittsburgh. Added to Lemieux, Crosby and goalie-phenom Theury (assuming he's over the shell shock from last season), the Penguins are very much improved. Haven't heard much about moves to buck up their defense though (Gonchar is an offensive-minded guy).

I may have to update this later to correct mispelled names.

Posted by: Ted at 05:13 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I don't watch much television, and most shows bore me about halfway through a season. This is, without a doubt, one of the funniest episodes of any show I've ever seen.

Dharma & Greg: "Much Ado About Nothing", aka The Seinfeld Plot.

Dharma and her friend Jane vie for possesion of a stuffed duck, awarded to the couple who has sex in the most unusual place. Dharma comes up with the idea of doing it on the steps of City Hall during the airing of the last episode of Seinfeld, since everyone will be inside watching TV. While planning the caper, Greg's very conservative parents learn of the plot and are apalled. Jane interferes and Dharma and Greg are busted. Sitting in the police station, Greg's parents are brought in for the same thing, it seems they were inspired. When it comes out that the parents actually consumated their lovemaking, as opposed to Dharma and Greg's arrestus interuptus, Jane and Dharma award the duck to Greg's parents. Looking at the stuffed waterfowl, Greg's dad says, "This is a goose".

To which Dharma replies, "That doesn't rhyme."

I laughed so hard my sides hurt.

Posted by: Ted at 05:31 AM | category: Square Pegs
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The Vice President of Sudan has died in "an airplane crash".

The scare quotes are mine. There is no evidence at this time that points to anything except a tragic accident.

This doesn't encourage me:

Garang, who earned a doctorate from Iowa State University, is seen as the sole figure with the weight to give southern Sudanese a role in the Khartoum government, which they deeply mistrust.

You know, the Islamic government that routinely bombs it's own non-Muslim people in refugee camps. The government that refuses to acknowlege the thriving slave trade going on where Islamic northerners kidnap Christians and Animists living in the south. Yeah, that government. And now the main player in the mix for the infidel south has died in an aircraft accident.

He also was a strong voice against outright secession by the south, calling instead for autonomy and power-sharing.

Sudanese have celebrated the power-sharing agreement — and a new constitution signed afterward — as opening a new chapter of peace and as a chance to resolve other bloody conflicts in Sudan, including the humanitarian crisis in the western region of Darfur. Garang was also seen as a great hope for peace in Darfur.

Some hated him because they saw no need for power-sharing, they already had the power. Others wanted secession and civil war, despite being hopelessly outmatched and the near-certainty that the government would have gleefully accelerated their systematic destruction of their southern population. You know, the one's not under Sharia law.

The article tries hard to be upbeat about the continuing prospects for peace, indicating that no Rwandan-style buildup to violence has been noted. Of course, no buildup was noticed in Rwanda either before almost one million people were massacred in three months. Everyone is saying the right words, but some things aren't adding up quite yet. It could be the confusion of the moment, and the situation may clear up as details emerge.

But we've seen similar circumstances before.

I hope I'm wrong. I won't be surprised if I'm not.

Posted by: Ted at 06:08 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Sitting here in front of me are two naked oranges.

Not naked as in bereft of rind, but still naked in a way nature never intended oranges to be. There's a story here. It's short, but makes up for that by being entirely pointless and probably boring.

My wife, Liz, works for a rather large medical practice. A dozen doctors, plus nurses of various kinds, administrative staff and auxiliary support adds up to some seventy or so.

On Friday's they'll often do a "theme" sort of thing, good for morale I guess, where everyone dresses in Hawaiian shirts or some such. Often, food is involved. Today's event was bizarre, it was "bring your favorite dessert" day. I suspect that the practice may be secretly planning to expand services into the nutrition field, or perhaps even dentistry, and this is a ploy to jump start the customer base.

So Liz mentions the upcoming "bring your favorite dessert" day, which automatically translated in my mind to "untested recipe on unsuspecting guinea pigs" day.

At home, if I make something new and I'm the only one in the family that likes it (and why would I cook something I wouldn't like?), then I'll eat it Thanksgiving turkey-style, until I can't stand the sight of it and then throw whatever's left away. Then I'm sick of it and don't want it for a long while... until I get a hankerin' and the whole cycle repeats anew.

But I love these office parties. They give me a chance to whip up something new and experimental without worrying about who's going to like it. If the wife and kids enjoy it, it goes into my recipe binder. If not, oh well.

So I made orange cookies. I don't remember where I got the recipe, but it was a long time ago. I know John posted something similar once, and I've seen variations here and there. I'll post my version sometime in the next few days.

They're pretty good, and (score!) Liz and Robyn like them.

But they call for lots of grated orange zest, so for lunch today, I've got these two naked oranges in front of me.

Posted by: Ted at 11:51 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I like Oreo cookies. I don't have them in the house very often, because that would be bad for me.

When they came out with Uh-Oh's a while back, I thought it was cute. White cookie with chocolate creme. Not as good as classic Oreos, but tasty.

Their latest is Golden Oreos. Vanilla cookie and vanilla creme. They even suggest dunking them in chocolate milk. Cutsie, but again, they're pretty good.

But they ain't the original.

Posted by: Ted at 03:24 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Posted by: Ted at 05:06 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Does anyone but me think it would be hilarious to name a pet snake "Ruffin"?

Posted by: Ted at 06:06 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Pass the Pigs. Ever play?

Two small dice-sized plastic pigs that you roll like dice. Depending on how they land, you score points. Kinda like barnyard craps, where you keep throwing until you pass the pigs or Pig Out and lose all your points for that turn. If the pigs touch after the throw, that's an Oinker and you go back to zero for the game. Pigs is clean.

And the pigs themselves are a marvel of engineering. They can land on their feet (called a Trotter for 5 points) or on their back (Razorback, also 5 points). Landing on their nose and front legs is a Snouter, worth a big 10, and occasionally you see a Leaning Jowler, where the pig balances on one front leg, his snout and an ear (15 points). Double 'em up and score big with Double Razorbacks or Double Snouters and the triple-20 of the pigs universe, the Double Leaning Jowler.

As rare as Double Leaning Jowlers are - I've seen four or five in my years of playing pigs, including tossing a couple of my own - the rarest positions are the ones you want to avoid. Piggyback is self-explanatory, and Makin' Bacon should be too. I've seen a couple Piggyback's, and only one Makin' Bacon. The penalty for throwing these is severe: immediate loss of the game. Like I said, pigs is clean.

So next time you're with friends, at home or it a bar, crack open a few beers (helluva drinking game) and introduce them to Pass the Pigs. You can find them at many toy and game stores (Spencer's Gifts used to sell them I know). *snicker* I should've know that Amazon would have them.

And if you wanna get a better idea of what I'm talking about, I found an online version that plays just like the real thing.

Heh, he said Makin' Bacon... heh heh.

Posted by: Ted at 10:15 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Last week, I just happened to be looking out our front door and saw a hummingbird sipping at the petunias growing in a hanging pot. Hummingbirds are not common in our area.

The next time we were at Wal-Mart, we picked up a cheap plastic hummingbird feeder and a couple of packages of nectar mix. I've checked on it periodically, but couldn't tell if it had been discovered.

Yesterday we were sitting in the car, getting ready to run some errands, when Liz alerted me to the bird feeder. Out little friend had returned. We sat there for a few minutes as she (dulled coloration, I'm assuming female) hovered and sipped from the feeder. She's fast too, when finished she zoomed up and over the house like a fighter jet on fulll afterburner.

I just sat there grinning like a little kid, tickled to death to see that our feeder was being used, and maybe we'd attract more hummingbirds to the yard. Liz commented that I was soooo easy to please.

Exactly.

Posted by: Ted at 06:34 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I've noticed a macabre trend lately on the road, where people put large decals memorializing their deceased loved ones on their automobile's rear window. To me, they're nothing more than clear vinyl tombstones. I'm not slamming the sentiment behind them, but the concept itself really creeps me out. Someone is getting rich selling these things to old folks too.

Posted by: Ted at 05:39 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Driving home from the grocery store, the radio station went into it's commercial break. Suddenly this Euro-techno-trance music started playing (not entirely misdirected at the demographics for this station), and after a few seconds, a raggedy-ass rap starts in.

Your front window's broke,

The gutters need cleanin',

Closet door stuck,

And your washer ain't machinin'.

Da roof been leakin',
Carpets need cleanin',
Room needs paintin',
And the hot water's broke.

(that's approximated by the way)

Ok, so the idea here is that you should call a handyman, right? Probably some ultra-cool handyhomey.

Not quite. The music fades to background and a veddy English voice starts to tell you about a plumbing company. Yep, just plumbing. I guess the rest of your problems are trivial as long as you got hot water.

And the company name is distinctly Anglophile. I mean, "White Boys with Monkey Wrenches" would be more 'street' than the actual name of the company.

Incomprehensible.

Posted by: Ted at 09:39 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Good morning, things around here are going all right.

My wife Liz had her sinus surgery yesterday and everything looks good (I'm calling it sinus surgery because they stuffed a camera and laser and bone shaver up her nose). It's too early to tell for sure, but now that the pressures on her optic nerves have been eased, we expect her vision problems to go away. She's also still a few days away from being able to go back on her regular medications - you know, the ones that keep her out of her wheelchair. During the last week or so we were treated to a fast-forward version of the physical deterioration that she went through over the course of about 10 years, before the current generation of drugs were developed and available. Personally, I'm a fan of big Pharma, and anyone who bitches about them ought to pick any three family members and imagine them dead and gone, because odds are they would be without those "evil profit-sucking global monsters".

Me? I'm exhausted and wrung-out and working my way through a nightmare list of things to get taken care of around the house. Happy as hell to do it too, because Liz is gonna be ok.

Thanks too for all the kind words and good thoughts and prayers, they're appreciated more than I could ever say.

Posted by: Ted at 09:27 AM | category: Square Pegs
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In our Fantasy Baseball league, I'm currently sitting in sixth place out of ten teams.
You know what that means, right?

I'm all alone at the top of the second division!

All Half bow before me, for I am mighty.

Posted by: Ted at 07:05 PM | category: Square Pegs
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My provider has informed me that they're aware of an outage in Northern Virginia. I can only occasionally get online, and not for any length of time in any one stretch.

Talk to you later when they get it fixed.

Posted by: Ted at 03:06 PM | category: Square Pegs
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If I have sex with my clone, is it masturbation or incest?

Don't remember where I heard that...

Posted by: Ted at 10:10 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Our nine hour drive took twelve hours and fifteen minutes, thanks to two meal stops, two gas stops and two shopping stops. We had to stretch it out a little bit to make sure we missed the evening rush hour in Baltimore and DC. Everything went smoooooth.

We like to avoid the turnpikes and toll roads (probably $30.00 in tolls each way, I kid you not!), so we take a slightly longer but much more scenic route. I can't recall the precise road numbers right offhand, but we passed Yale University, and I had to laugh at Sodom Road. Who would want to live there?

We also passed Liberty Road, and it was cool that someone had fastened an American Flag to the streetsign post.

I thought it was great that the place where we met for lunch was on Boston Post Rd, aka Route 1. If you follow that road south long enough, you can hang a right in Woodbridge, Virginia and be within a few minutes of my house. Of course, down here Route 1 is known as Jefferson Davis Highway.

A note about the casinos in Connecticut (is that spelled right?): Both are nice, in very different styles. Foxwoods is Atlantic City nice, but Mohegan Sun is Vegas nice. If you've never been to Las Vegas, then you wouldn't understand. I much prefer Mohegan Sun, because there's so much to see and do, even if you don't gamble.

I gambled a grand total of $5.00 in two days at the casinos.

As we neared home, we were listening for traffic and weather reports. Apparently just south of us they've gotten hammered by rain. We heard that trees are down on the interstate and other major roads, and Route 1 is blocked by a mudslide. We've gotten a few sprinkles and that's it. The storms seem to be staying south too.

We have two very happy dogs.

Posted by: Ted at 09:48 PM | category: Square Pegs
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We saw Don Rickles last night (tonight actually, since I haven't gone to bed yet). He's still funny as hell, and I can only hope that I'm half as spry and energetic as he is at that age.

Jerry Vale was in the audience. Cool.

Posted by: Ted at 01:23 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I guess Hicksville was already taken.

(posted from the road, in Scranton, PA)

Posted by: Ted at 07:52 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Since it's highly unlikely that the entire internet has been crashing repeated since last night, the process of elimination leaves me to conclude that I'm having a problem at my end. So begins the "dealing with the help desk" process...

Posted by: Ted at 07:49 AM | category: Square Pegs
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