July 08, 2005

Torture Level

Now that cranking up the stereo has been redefined as torture, and we've all been tragically reminded about what this whole "war on terror" is about, I think it's time to codify our official "torture" response. In ascending order of harshness:


  • Christine Aguilara

  • Hanson

  • Pat Boone

  • Tiny Tim

  • Roseanne Barr

Yeah, call me barbaric.

Posted by: Ted at 05:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 58 words, total size 1 kb.

July 07, 2005

Mr. Raider comes home

Tim Brown will sign a one-day contract so that he can retire as an Oakland Raider.

Brown, who turns 39 on July 22, played the first 16 of his 17 seasons with the Raiders, and always hoped to be remembered as the organization's greatest receiver. He was the last former member of the Los Angeles Raiders and the person young players turned to for advice.

The self-proclaimed "Mr. Raider" holds most of the club's receiving records, and his 240 games with the team are the most in franchise history.

Brown was a first-round draft choice by the Raiders in 1988 out of Notre Dame.

Thank you Tim Brown, you've always been a class act and quietly built your credentials proving that you're one of the all-time greats.

Posted by: Ted at 06:10 AM | category: Square Pegs
No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 135 words, total size 1 kb.

Explosions rock London mass transit (UPDATED)

Reports are mixed, with authorities saying some blasts were caused by electrical overloads, yet at least one packed bus was devastated by a bomb. There's no word on the casualty count, except to confirm that deaths have occurred.

This is a police matter only long enough to stabilize the situation and to do the forensic investigations. After that, it becomes a military action to find and neutralize the monsters who intentionally target civilians.

ACLU, obstructionists and revisionists, and the rest of the human ostriches who refuse to acknowlege reality, please crawl back under your rock, slither back into your holes, and rebury your head in the sand, respectively, so that the rest of us can deal with this terrorist threat.

(revised after reflection that this could be an IRA action, although I think that's a rather remote possibility)

UPDATE: Helen of Everyday Stranger has posted that she, her beloved Angus, and her coworkers are all safe and accounted for.

Posted by: Ted at 06:05 AM | category: Square Pegs
No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 171 words, total size 1 kb.

July 06, 2005

France Takes Silver!!!

London, England is awarded the 2012 Olympics.

Jolly good, that.

Posted by: Ted at 11:17 AM | category: Square Pegs
No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 16 words, total size 1 kb.

Dear Mr. Policeman

I wasn't going to hit you. Honest! But I was so busted by the time I saw you standing there with your radar gun, and well, I had to do something to distract you before you got my license plate. I'm sorry about your uniform too, because I'm sure the ditch you dived into was muddy from the storms last night. I'd offer to pay the cleaning bill, but then that would kinda defeat the purpose of the whole thing, now wouldn't it?

Not that I'm admitting anything.

Posted by: Ted at 05:15 AM | category: Square Pegs
No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 94 words, total size 1 kb.

July 05, 2005

Briiiiiiiiiiiiing

Me (picking up phone): Hello?

Phone: Good afternoon Mr. Phillips. This is not a sales call, I'm taking a brief survey and ---

Me: *sigh* It's Phipps. You can't even be bothered to get the name right, so why should I talk to you?

Phone: I'm sorry sir. I have a few questions to ask and if you would give me a few minutes of your time to respond it would be appreciated.

Me: Questions about what?

Phone: Political issues.

Me: Go for it.

Phone: First, sir, some demographic information (asks about age, sex, zip code, etc., smooth sailing right up until...) Are you a registered voter?

Me: Yes.

Phone: Would you characterize yourself as a Democrat or as a Republican?

Me: That's a meaningless question.

Phone: Pardon?

Me: I'm a white male, raised in a christian home, so according to the head of the DNC, that makes me a Republican, regardless of what I'm registered as.

Phone: *long pause* Would you say your annual income is between --

Me: I make no reportable income. In fact, I've never worked an honest day in my life.

Phone: *longer pause* Of the following issues, which would you say is more important to you? Is it --

Me: Let me explain something to you. I decide who gets my vote based on the issues and who's position I agree with. Sometimes it's a Republican, sometimes it's a Democrat. But because of the rhetoric and namecalling coming from the Democrats and the asinine obstruction of any real debate, I've decided that for the first time in my life I'm going to vote straight Republican. I'm doing this to show Dean and Pelosi and that nitwit from Nevada that I'm tired of their childish antics and that I expect, no, I demand better from them. The Republicans could run Charles Manson for office, and right now I'd vote for him over Jesus Christ himself to make this point. Change the Democratic leadership and offer me some reasonable and rational alternatives, or I keep protesting with my vote.

Phone: *pause long enough to make me think he's hung up* Senator Reid.

Me: Excuse me?

Phone: The Senator from Nevada is Senator Reid.

Me: Well, you know what they say: the only things in Nevada are cactus and hookers. The man is a saguaro-sized prick, but he's got the ethics of a Vegas whore.

Phone (gallant attempt at a closing rally): Thank you Sir, for taking the time to respond --

Me: Nothing personal, son, but I want you to note that I'm pissed about what is happening and what I'm hearing.

Phone (pressing on): -- for taking the time to respond to this survey.

Me: Democrat.

Phone: Pardon?

Me: I'm a lifelong registered Democrat. *click*

I feel like I'm pissing into the wind, but you've gotta make the attempt.

Posted by: Ted at 04:45 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 476 words, total size 3 kb.

July 04, 2005

Have a happy and safe 4th of July!

Not much going on around here. We used to throw a hundred bucks into the kitty with a couple of neighbors and make the run to West Virginia for "real" fireworks, but got turned off a couple of years ago when it started turning into drunken-idiots-with-roman-candles night. The kids are gone this year, plus I get plenty of "whoosh" year round, so we'll probably just sit on our porch and watch the happenings on the street and admire the good stuff going boom over the trees.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Sam.

Posted by: Ted at 06:25 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 106 words, total size 1 kb.

Interesting, in a completely not-fun kinda way

Mu.Nu had server problems yesterday, so even though I wanted to post I could not. It was pretty much system-wide, although the occasional post was allowed through. Pixy tracked down the problem to an upgrade to PERL (automatically installed) that's incompatible with Movable Type, plus a couple of denial of service attacks. This kind of trouble makes me glad that I'm still a mainframe programmer. I'd go crazy trying to track something like that down.

Posted by: Ted at 06:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 89 words, total size 1 kb.

June 25, 2005

Berry season

Fresh blueberry pancakes, it's what's for breakfast!

Mmmmmmm.

Posted by: Ted at 10:35 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 12 words, total size 1 kb.

June 24, 2005

We now return to our regularly scheduled puppies and rainbows

I think I've exceeded my quarterly quota for swearing.

Posted by: Ted at 12:13 PM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 29 words, total size 1 kb.

I needed this laugh

I've been doing a slow burn over the sheer stupidity demonstrated by recent events. Durbin (no honoriffic for that asswipe) ignoring the worldwide impact his slur upon our American troops has inflicted, just to score a cheap political shot against the administration, followed by the flag burning amendment, to the manufactured outrage by Democrats over Rove quoting from a Dem fundraising organization, to our (you didn't read that "our" with enough sarcasm, go back and try again) Supreme Court deciding that owning property doesn't really mean you own it if someone else with more money wants it.* I've fucking had it.

Right up until I read this article about a Russian woman suing NASA over an upcoming scientific space mission.

When NASA's Deep Impact spacecraft hurls a barrel-size probe at a comet millions of miles from Earth on July 4, Marina Bai of Moscow will take it very personally.

The 45-year-old mother of two is so upset about the space agency's scientific assault on the celestial body that she has taken the unusual step of suing NASA in Moscow courts. Her lawsuit seeks to block the launch of the probe and to recover $311 million in "moral" damages.

Bai, a self-published author and spiritualist, said that she couldn't sleep after watching a television report about the Deep Impact mission, which is led by a team of astronomers at the University of Maryland, when it was launched Jan. 12.

"Somewhere deep inside me a voice told me the whole mission had to be stopped," she said in an interview yesterday. "I fear that it could have an impact on all humanity."

In court papers, Bai asserts that Deep Impact will "infringe upon my system of spiritual and life values, in particular on the values of every element of creation, upon the unacceptability of barbarically interfering with the natural life of the universe, and the violation of the natural balance of the universe."

Dolores Beasley, a spokeswoman for NASA, said it would be "inappropriate" to comment.

"Inappropriate" is NASA legal-speak for ROFLMAO.

And what the fuck are "moral" damages?

But Bai fears the bombardment could disrupt mystical forces. More practically, she added, it might create an open season on celestial objects by the world's spacefaring nations.

"If the Americans can study comets with the help of bombs, why not the Chinese?" she asked. "Americans want to be ahead of everybody. And maybe that's good, but not in this case. It's a barbaric method, to study the universe with bombs."

I'm not entirely certain, but I don't think the probe is an actual bomb. I thought it was just an impactor that would achieve its effect by kinetic energy.

"It's a barbaric method, to study the universe with bombs"

We'll never live up to those paragons of finesse and restraint, the Russians.

I don't care how long the line is Ms. Bai, stand in it and get another roll of tin foil. Your hat is obviously not thick enough.

*And for those proclaiming that this is a victory for WalMart, as if they're the main evil in the world, shut the fuck up and open your eyes. This isn't WalMart's doing, and nobody is going to steal your home to build another one. This is about developers putting up resorts and business parks and convention centers.

Posted by: Ted at 06:09 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 561 words, total size 3 kb.

Hella Pointless

We had a wickedcool thunderstorm blow through the other night.

My most comfortable pair of work shoes squeak.

Those two items are totally unrelated, but that's not really the reason for this post, now is it?

Posted by: Ted at 05:51 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 40 words, total size 1 kb.

June 23, 2005

I thought we'd already perfected that technology

I watched that documentary called Real Genius and saw where we could incinerate a person from orbit. Now they claim we're just developing it? No way man.

Seriously though, check out this priceless bit where the mouth breathers manage to go from solar sail powered spacecraft to...

"a military weapon, capable of destroying cities and incinerating armies in the battlefield from space."

...in several tortured leaps of logic (I half expect Spock himself to come back through time to apply the Vulcan Bitch Slap on me for even using the term "logic" here).

Best $4 million dollars we ever spent, eh? Which is, what, a fraction of what we pay for each cruise missile? Hell, for the cost of the free school lunch program, we could blanket the heavens with enough little magic mirrors (my suggested euphemism for "orbital based death ray platforms") to keep America's rich and powerful rich and powerful forever!

Halliburton!!!!

Thanks to Rand Simberg (who may have to disappear after leaking this smoking gun (yes, I torture lots of things, including metaphores, it's the conservative in me)).

Posted by: Ted at 11:45 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 195 words, total size 1 kb.

My Opinion - Second in a Series

The kids are in awe of me now that I've decided to take a public stand about things...

Prunes are hella good.

...even when they don't agree with me. Not only do they not think that prunes are yummy, they claim that I am not allowed to say "hella" anything.

Posted by: Ted at 05:06 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 64 words, total size 1 kb.

June 21, 2005

A significant educational milestone was reached yesterday

In regards to the lack of exposure to classic cinema for my daughters. They can now both say that they have seen Young Frankenstein. They laughed, they cried (Robyn still has her stitches), they enjoyed it.

Posted by: Ted at 04:18 AM | category: Square Pegs
No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 50 words, total size 1 kb.

June 20, 2005

My Opinion

I've always been, in the vernacular, a linker rather than a thinker. Proud of my place in the grand scheme of things, even when called that less than complimentary term: link whore. If the shoe fits, as they say.

But what does bother me is the idea that I might be the blogging equivalent of People magazine. Somewhere, some tech-savvy blogger takes his laptop into the john and calls up Rocket Jones while he sits upon the throne, because like the aforementioned dead tree rag, my public writings are short, shallow, insipid (or all three) enough to indulge in during the length of an average crap (to paraphrase a great movie line).

I'll never be exclusively a thinker, but in order to add some variety to my normal blogging, I'm toying with the idea of posting more opinion pieces. So, to kick things off, I'd like to say:

Peas. I like them.

A little mental fiber to go along with the flake.

Posted by: Ted at 05:32 PM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 166 words, total size 1 kb.

June 17, 2005

Good Read (so far)

The fourth sentence of the book lets you know that you're not in your half-remembered childhood version of Oz.

Though winter storms and the crowbars of agitators had torn up the road, still it led, relentlessly, to the Emerald City.

That's from the Prologue of Wicked, subtitled The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West.

If you've never read the Oz books then you might not realize that the stories are satirical commentary on a par with Orwell's Animal Farm or Swift's Gulliver's Travels. If you've ever wondered where the Wicked Witch came from, or Dorothy's posse, or how the Wizard came to rule Oz, well, this book gives the background.

There's charm and delight here, but very much buried under a layer of grime and despair that many of the characters struggle with in their early lives. This feels right, because ofttimes strength of character is forged by overcoming adversity.

My recommendation? It's in the title. Just go in with your eyes open.

The book was the basis for the Broadway show Wicked, which has a kickass soundtrack too.

I started reading this yesterday during my wait at the hospital. I'm also in the middle of P.G. Wodehouse's Something Different in eBook format, but during yesterday's stressgrinder it was comforting to hold a solid, substantial book in my hands.

Posted by: Ted at 09:23 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 231 words, total size 2 kb.

My Care Bears

One of my quirks is that I have to be covered when I sleep. Not necessarily all the way under blankets, but I sleep better if there's something thrown over me at least a little bit.

Now that summer is here, we've pulled out my Care Bear sheets. I don't remember which daughter they belonged to*, but they're at least 15 years old and worn enough to watch TV through. So thin that they don't block the breeze from the fan. Perfect for covering up Dad while he naps on the couch during the dog days.

I sleep much better curled up with my Care Bears.

*My family actually had a discussion about the other night when oldest daughter Robyn referred to "her" Care Bears. I immediately corrected her and we rediscovered the following facts:

  • they were originally used by Robyn

  • they were bought in 1986 (how does my wife remember stuff like this?)

I decreed that since my money was used to buy them in the first place, then that makes 'em my damn Care Bear sheets, although I graciously allow the entire family to use them.

When I'm not.

Posted by: Ted at 06:07 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 197 words, total size 1 kb.

June 14, 2005

One of us is confused

And I don't think it's me.

I can't find the exact quote, but yesterday while speaking about the Congressional apology about lynchings, Prince William County Supervisor Jack Johnson said (something like):

The apology is nice, but I think the healing will happen when there is verbal atonement.

I wasn't aware that Congress did that bit of business via interpretive dance.

Posted by: Ted at 06:13 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 70 words, total size 1 kb.

June 13, 2005

The new Axis of Evil?

GreenPeace
PETA
Amnesty International

Because with them, it's their way or no way, and we've all heard how that kind of black & white thinking is wrong.

Posted by: Ted at 05:55 AM | category: Square Pegs
Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 37 words, total size 1 kb.

<< Page 28 of 68 >>
84kb generated in CPU 0.0949, elapsed 0.1739 seconds.
82 queries taking 0.1498 seconds, 278 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.