Now that cranking up the stereo has been redefined as torture, and we've all been tragically reminded about what this whole "war on terror" is about, I think it's time to codify our official "torture" response. In ascending order of harshness:

• Christine Aguilara


• Hanson


• Pat Boone


• Tiny Tim


• Roseanne Barr

Yeah, call me barbaric.

Posted by: Ted at 05:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Tim Brown will sign a one-day contract so that he can retire as an Oakland Raider.

Brown, who turns 39 on July 22, played the first 16 of his 17 seasons with the Raiders, and always hoped to be remembered as the organization's greatest receiver. He was the last former member of the Los Angeles Raiders and the person young players turned to for advice.

The self-proclaimed "Mr. Raider" holds most of the club's receiving records, and his 240 games with the team are the most in franchise history.

Brown was a first-round draft choice by the Raiders in 1988 out of Notre Dame.

Thank you Tim Brown, you've always been a class act and quietly built your credentials proving that you're one of the all-time greats.

Posted by: Ted at 06:10 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Reports are mixed, with authorities saying some blasts were caused by electrical overloads, yet at least one packed bus was devastated by a bomb. There's no word on the casualty count, except to confirm that deaths have occurred.

This is a police matter only long enough to stabilize the situation and to do the forensic investigations. After that, it becomes a military action to find and neutralize the monsters who intentionally target civilians.

ACLU, obstructionists and revisionists, and the rest of the human ostriches who refuse to acknowlege reality, please crawl back under your rock, slither back into your holes, and rebury your head in the sand, respectively, so that the rest of us can deal with this terrorist threat.

(revised after reflection that this could be an IRA action, although I think that's a rather remote possibility)

UPDATE: Helen of Everyday Stranger has posted that she, her beloved Angus, and her coworkers are all safe and accounted for.

Posted by: Ted at 06:05 AM | category: Square Pegs
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London, England is awarded the 2012 Olympics.

Jolly good, that.

Posted by: Ted at 11:17 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I wasn't going to hit you. Honest! But I was so busted by the time I saw you standing there with your radar gun, and well, I had to do something to distract you before you got my license plate. I'm sorry about your uniform too, because I'm sure the ditch you dived into was muddy from the storms last night. I'd offer to pay the cleaning bill, but then that would kinda defeat the purpose of the whole thing, now wouldn't it?

Not that I'm admitting anything.

Posted by: Ted at 05:15 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Me (picking up phone): Hello?

Phone: Good afternoon Mr. Phillips. This is not a sales call, I'm taking a brief survey and ---

Me: *sigh* It's Phipps. You can't even be bothered to get the name right, so why should I talk to you?

Phone: I'm sorry sir. I have a few questions to ask and if you would give me a few minutes of your time to respond it would be appreciated.

Me: Questions about what?

Phone: Political issues.

Me: Go for it.

Phone: First, sir, some demographic information (asks about age, sex, zip code, etc., smooth sailing right up until...) Are you a registered voter?

Me: Yes.

Phone: Would you characterize yourself as a Democrat or as a Republican?

Me: That's a meaningless question.

Phone: Pardon?

Me: I'm a white male, raised in a christian home, so according to the head of the DNC, that makes me a Republican, regardless of what I'm registered as.

Phone: *long pause* Would you say your annual income is between --

Me: I make no reportable income. In fact, I've never worked an honest day in my life.

Phone: *longer pause* Of the following issues, which would you say is more important to you? Is it --

Me: Let me explain something to you. I decide who gets my vote based on the issues and who's position I agree with. Sometimes it's a Republican, sometimes it's a Democrat. But because of the rhetoric and namecalling coming from the Democrats and the asinine obstruction of any real debate, I've decided that for the first time in my life I'm going to vote straight Republican. I'm doing this to show Dean and Pelosi and that nitwit from Nevada that I'm tired of their childish antics and that I expect, no, I demand better from them. The Republicans could run Charles Manson for office, and right now I'd vote for him over Jesus Christ himself to make this point. Change the Democratic leadership and offer me some reasonable and rational alternatives, or I keep protesting with my vote.

Phone: *pause long enough to make me think he's hung up* Senator Reid.

Me: Excuse me?

Phone: The Senator from Nevada is Senator Reid.

Me: Well, you know what they say: the only things in Nevada are cactus and hookers. The man is a saguaro-sized prick, but he's got the ethics of a Vegas whore.

Phone (gallant attempt at a closing rally): Thank you Sir, for taking the time to respond --

Me: Nothing personal, son, but I want you to note that I'm pissed about what is happening and what I'm hearing.

Phone (pressing on): -- for taking the time to respond to this survey.

Me: Democrat.

Phone: Pardon?

Me: I'm a lifelong registered Democrat. *click*

I feel like I'm pissing into the wind, but you've gotta make the attempt.

Posted by: Ted at 04:45 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Not much going on around here. We used to throw a hundred bucks into the kitty with a couple of neighbors and make the run to West Virginia for "real" fireworks, but got turned off a couple of years ago when it started turning into drunken-idiots-with-roman-candles night. The kids are gone this year, plus I get plenty of "whoosh" year round, so we'll probably just sit on our porch and watch the happenings on the street and admire the good stuff going boom over the trees.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Sam.

Posted by: Ted at 06:25 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 You should have come to Great Meadow, the rocket demo went great (except that John H lost a small rocket on a big motor). The fireworks display was also the best one I have ever personally viewed.

You coming out Saturday?

Posted by: Maelstrom at July 05, 2005 08:27 AM (z62e3)

2 We're headed out Saturday for vacation. No launching for me until August.

Posted by: Ted at July 05, 2005 01:12 PM (blNMI)

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Mu.Nu had server problems yesterday, so even though I wanted to post I could not. It was pretty much system-wide, although the occasional post was allowed through. Pixy tracked down the problem to an upgrade to PERL (automatically installed) that's incompatible with Movable Type, plus a couple of denial of service attacks. This kind of trouble makes me glad that I'm still a mainframe programmer. I'd go crazy trying to track something like that down.

Posted by: Ted at 06:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Fresh blueberry pancakes, it's what's for breakfast!

Mmmmmmm.

Posted by: Ted at 10:35 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I think I've exceeded my quarterly quota for swearing.

Posted by: Ted at 12:13 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 "Crap-weasel" doesn't count as swearing, fortunately.

Posted by: Victor at June 24, 2005 07:53 PM (IBRcA)

2 I pride myself on creatively blasting people without using ordinary swear words. I still swear like a longshoreman, but I save the creativity for chuckleheads.

Posted by: Ted at June 24, 2005 07:56 PM (+OVgL)

3 I've made it a practice to figure out how to insult someone without resorting to swearing. Swearing is reserved for things that really deserve it, like the goddamn computer!

Posted by: Eric at June 24, 2005 11:46 PM (GNiWO)

4 It's very imoportant to swear with flair. Why say "F@#k you" when you can say "Eat a skidmark-injected cruller"?

Swear with flair. That's the ticket...

Posted by: Tuning Spork at June 25, 2005 12:45 AM (kptCS)

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I've been doing a slow burn over the sheer stupidity demonstrated by recent events. Durbin (no honoriffic for that asswipe) ignoring the worldwide impact his slur upon our American troops has inflicted, just to score a cheap political shot against the administration, followed by the flag burning amendment, to the manufactured outrage by Democrats over Rove quoting from a Dem fundraising organization, to our (you didn't read that "our" with enough sarcasm, go back and try again) Supreme Court deciding that owning property doesn't really mean you own it if someone else with more money wants it.* I've fucking had it.

Right up until I read this article about a Russian woman suing NASA over an upcoming scientific space mission.

When NASA's Deep Impact spacecraft hurls a barrel-size probe at a comet millions of miles from Earth on July 4, Marina Bai of Moscow will take it very personally.

The 45-year-old mother of two is so upset about the space agency's scientific assault on the celestial body that she has taken the unusual step of suing NASA in Moscow courts. Her lawsuit seeks to block the launch of the probe and to recover $311 million in "moral" damages.

Bai, a self-published author and spiritualist, said that she couldn't sleep after watching a television report about the Deep Impact mission, which is led by a team of astronomers at the University of Maryland, when it was launched Jan. 12.

"Somewhere deep inside me a voice told me the whole mission had to be stopped," she said in an interview yesterday. "I fear that it could have an impact on all humanity."

In court papers, Bai asserts that Deep Impact will "infringe upon my system of spiritual and life values, in particular on the values of every element of creation, upon the unacceptability of barbarically interfering with the natural life of the universe, and the violation of the natural balance of the universe."

Dolores Beasley, a spokeswoman for NASA, said it would be "inappropriate" to comment.

"Inappropriate" is NASA legal-speak for ROFLMAO.

And what the fuck are "moral" damages?

But Bai fears the bombardment could disrupt mystical forces. More practically, she added, it might create an open season on celestial objects by the world's spacefaring nations.

"If the Americans can study comets with the help of bombs, why not the Chinese?" she asked. "Americans want to be ahead of everybody. And maybe that's good, but not in this case. It's a barbaric method, to study the universe with bombs."

I'm not entirely certain, but I don't think the probe is an actual bomb. I thought it was just an impactor that would achieve its effect by kinetic energy.

"It's a barbaric method, to study the universe with bombs"

We'll never live up to those paragons of finesse and restraint, the Russians.

I don't care how long the line is Ms. Bai, stand in it and get another roll of tin foil. Your hat is obviously not thick enough.

*And for those proclaiming that this is a victory for WalMart, as if they're the main evil in the world, shut the fuck up and open your eyes. This isn't WalMart's doing, and nobody is going to steal your home to build another one. This is about developers putting up resorts and business parks and convention centers.

Posted by: Ted at 06:09 AM | category: Square Pegs
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We had a wickedcool thunderstorm blow through the other night.

My most comfortable pair of work shoes squeak.

Those two items are totally unrelated, but that's not really the reason for this post, now is it?

Posted by: Ted at 05:51 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I watched that documentary called Real Genius and saw where we could incinerate a person from orbit. Now they claim we're just developing it? No way man.

Seriously though, check out this priceless bit where the mouth breathers manage to go from solar sail powered spacecraft to...

"a military weapon, capable of destroying cities and incinerating armies in the battlefield from space."

...in several tortured leaps of logic (I half expect Spock himself to come back through time to apply the Vulcan Bitch Slap on me for even using the term "logic" here).

Best $4 million dollars we ever spent, eh? Which is, what, a fraction of what we pay for each cruise missile? Hell, for the cost of the free school lunch program, we could blanket the heavens with enough little magic mirrors (my suggested euphemism for "orbital based death ray platforms") to keep America's rich and powerful rich and powerful forever!

Halliburton!!!!

Thanks to Rand Simberg (who may have to disappear after leaking this smoking gun (yes, I torture lots of things, including metaphores, it's the conservative in me)).

Posted by: Ted at 11:45 AM | category: Square Pegs
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The kids are in awe of me now that I've decided to take a public stand about things...

Prunes are hella good.

...even when they don't agree with me. Not only do they not think that prunes are yummy, they claim that I am not allowed to say "hella" anything.

Posted by: Ted at 05:06 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 I call bullshit on the kids, Ted. You can say hella all you want. You are only as old as you think you are. Besides, copping popular teenage vernacular as situations indicate is a hella good way of embarassing the twerps in public ;>).

Posted by: bitterman at June 23, 2005 10:33 AM (94VhM)

2 Peas? Prunes? um...eww.

Posted by: Derek at June 23, 2005 11:16 AM (wEVXE)

3 I refuse to be politically correct and call them "dried plums". Don't like 'em? More for me.

Posted by: Ted at June 23, 2005 12:37 PM (blNMI)

4 I've been giving my kid prune juice added to his apple juice (to keep him regular), I took a swig of the stuff straight the other day... gak. That my friend is the taste of supper coming back up.

Prunes dried kick friggin' ass tho.

Posted by: Oorgo at June 23, 2005 01:30 PM (lM0qs)

5 Yumm, prunes in yoghurt ! (with a handful of almonds just for the crunch.)

Oh, and I thought the prunes have the pits in them, pitted plums are easy on our geezerly old teeth.

Posted by: Ted K at June 23, 2005 09:33 PM (IivaW)

6 You have to listen to a wonderful commercial Stan Freberg made for the Sunsweet company back in the early Sixties. I'll send you an mp3; I bought the "Tip of the Freberg" set for myself for Christmas last year.

"Today, the pits...tomorrow, the wrinkles!"

Posted by: Doug Pratt at June 24, 2005 10:21 AM (D6ZyB)

7 It is the PEAS support of PRUNES in the Middle East that cause the LIMA BEANS to hate us!

PRUNES occupy land rightfully belonging to LIMA BEANS!

PRUNISM = FASCISM!

Posted by: Rob@L&R at June 24, 2005 02:24 PM (SsaPg)

8 Next time try it like this:
"Prunes are hella yummy...bitch."

Just a suggestion.

Posted by: shank at June 24, 2005 06:42 PM (jfEhX)

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In regards to the lack of exposure to classic cinema for my daughters. They can now both say that they have seen Young Frankenstein. They laughed, they cried (Robyn still has her stitches), they enjoyed it.

Posted by: Ted at 04:18 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I've always been, in the vernacular, a linker rather than a thinker. Proud of my place in the grand scheme of things, even when called that less than complimentary term: link whore. If the shoe fits, as they say.

But what does bother me is the idea that I might be the blogging equivalent of People magazine. Somewhere, some tech-savvy blogger takes his laptop into the john and calls up Rocket Jones while he sits upon the throne, because like the aforementioned dead tree rag, my public writings are short, shallow, insipid (or all three) enough to indulge in during the length of an average crap (to paraphrase a great movie line).

I'll never be exclusively a thinker, but in order to add some variety to my normal blogging, I'm toying with the idea of posting more opinion pieces. So, to kick things off, I'd like to say:

Peas. I like them.

A little mental fiber to go along with the flake.

Posted by: Ted at 05:32 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 woohoo, way to take a stand Ted!

Posted by: Eric at June 20, 2005 10:54 PM (xJTbs)

2 Sure, it starts out polite enough, but in a few minutes this harmless looking "peas" topic will be a major brawl. I've seen it before.

Posted by: dogette at June 21, 2005 10:20 AM (W05E+)

3 Since this is my site, I reserve the right to ban those pushy succotash gangbangers any time I want.

Posted by: Ted at June 21, 2005 11:42 AM (blNMI)

4 Peas stole the election!

Peas started an illegal war for vegetable OIL to enrich their carrot cronies at Del Monte!

Peas went AWOL from the Vegetable National Guard!

PEAS LIED! LIMA BEANS DIED!

Posted by: Rob@L&R at June 21, 2005 01:45 PM (SsaPg)

5 Peas are ok, but Lima Beans are disgusting.

Always willing to do my bit to encourage enlightened discourse.

Posted by: owlish at June 22, 2005 12:32 PM (QqkkN)

6 Well, I must chime in here t'say that you're links are kewl, always. But, t'tell ya the truth, the real highlights, fer me, are when you do actually spout off an opinion piece.

More opinion and actress Star Cards posts, please!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at June 22, 2005 11:02 PM (Odjy8)

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The fourth sentence of the book lets you know that you're not in your half-remembered childhood version of Oz.

Though winter storms and the crowbars of agitators had torn up the road, still it led, relentlessly, to the Emerald City.

That's from the Prologue of Wicked, subtitled The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West.

If you've never read the Oz books then you might not realize that the stories are satirical commentary on a par with Orwell's Animal Farm or Swift's Gulliver's Travels. If you've ever wondered where the Wicked Witch came from, or Dorothy's posse, or how the Wizard came to rule Oz, well, this book gives the background.

There's charm and delight here, but very much buried under a layer of grime and despair that many of the characters struggle with in their early lives. This feels right, because ofttimes strength of character is forged by overcoming adversity.

My recommendation? It's in the title. Just go in with your eyes open.

The book was the basis for the Broadway show Wicked, which has a kickass soundtrack too.

I started reading this yesterday during my wait at the hospital. I'm also in the middle of P.G. Wodehouse's Something Different in eBook format, but during yesterday's stressgrinder it was comforting to hold a solid, substantial book in my hands.

Posted by: Ted at 09:23 AM | category: Square Pegs
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One of my quirks is that I have to be covered when I sleep. Not necessarily all the way under blankets, but I sleep better if there's something thrown over me at least a little bit.

Now that summer is here, we've pulled out my Care Bear sheets. I don't remember which daughter they belonged to*, but they're at least 15 years old and worn enough to watch TV through. So thin that they don't block the breeze from the fan. Perfect for covering up Dad while he naps on the couch during the dog days.

I sleep much better curled up with my Care Bears.

*My family actually had a discussion about the other night when oldest daughter Robyn referred to "her" Care Bears. I immediately corrected her and we rediscovered the following facts:

• they were originally used by Robyn


• they were bought in 1986 (how does my wife remember stuff like this?)

When I'm not.

Posted by: Ted at 06:07 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 That's kind of you, Ted. Do you share your Pooh sippy cup as well?

Posted by: Wolf at June 17, 2005 07:16 AM (vbP6L)

2 Ah, now which is your favorite care bear?
We have pound puppy, unicorn and seasame street sheets. We did have baseball sheets but I think they have disappeared now.

Posted by: Rachel Ann at June 17, 2005 07:35 AM (sA34C)

3 I'm not a fan of Pooh. He always struck me as being the slow kid of the neighborhood that the normal kids all tolerated.

No sippy cups either, sorry. Although there is one special coffee cup that the kids better leave the hell alone.

As for favorite care bear... hmmmm... this sounds like fertile ground for a follow up post.

Posted by: Ted at June 17, 2005 08:11 AM (+OVgL)

4 Care Bears?

Only have need of them to remember where we're parked at Kings Dominion.

Posted by: Rob@L&R at June 17, 2005 08:50 AM (SsaPg)

5 CORRECTION:

Sorry, Kings Dominion has the HAIR BEAR BUNCH for parking reference.

Mea Culpa

Posted by: Rob@L&R at June 17, 2005 08:53 AM (SsaPg)

6 Yes, Pooh is certainly a dullard. And a glutton. But Rabbit's just downright nasty.

Posted by: Wolf at June 17, 2005 09:19 AM (vbP6L)

7 Hey man, me too. Uhh, about the cover to sleep, not the care bears.

Posted by: Maelstrom at June 17, 2005 11:13 AM (z62e3)

8 Yeah, I'm a me-tooer about being covered as well,forget to say that.Even on the hottest night i just have to have something on me.

Posted by: Rachel Ann at June 17, 2005 11:31 AM (Cx6I2)

9 Ted,if you ever need any Care Bear traps just let me know.

Posted by: Russ at June 18, 2005 02:32 PM (ObxzR)

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And I don't think it's me.

I can't find the exact quote, but yesterday while speaking about the Congressional apology about lynchings, Prince William County Supervisor Jack Johnson said (something like):

The apology is nice, but I think the healing will happen when there is verbal atonement.

I wasn't aware that Congress did that bit of business via interpretive dance.

Posted by: Ted at 06:13 AM | category: Square Pegs
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GreenPeace
PETA
Amnesty International

Because with them, it's their way or no way, and we've all heard how that kind of black & white thinking is wrong.

Posted by: Ted at 05:55 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 wow, and you harass me about quippy off the cuff inflammatory comments

Posted by: Oorgo at June 13, 2005 11:45 AM (lM0qs)

2 You have better manners than I do in someone else's comments.

Posted by: Ted at June 13, 2005 04:07 PM (+OVgL)

3 It's everything I can do to keep from going fuckin' ballistic right now.First,Ted,you tease me by bringing up the Second Ammendment now you throw these self-righteous lyin' ass liberal hippie freaks at me? You're trying to give me a stroke aren't you?
You know,even though I don't do politics I still can't stand a wussy ass liberal crybaby.Simply put these ass wipes are all dangerous.The sooner they're gotten rid of the better for everyone.That goes for their freakin PC shit,too.Sorry but NO! you don't have a right not to be offended.You do have a right to walk away when you don't agree with me just as I you.Don't like it?Tuff shit!Believe me when I say that checks and balances isn't worth it.Then again C&B was never suppose to be about one side of a debate being totally full of shit and hell bent on destroying every basic principal this nation was founded on either.
Also,you are only fooling yourself when you make up bullshit and try to pass it off as prime rib.Do you all really think we're that stupid?
BTW,if you're one of the gullible,moronic dumbasses who happens to be braindead enough to follow these cum belchin' shitty dick lickers then perhaps you should drop by activistcash.com and check out who you human heros in the pink tights are sleeping with.
Speaking of bullshit have you ever wondered where this trash comes from?Check out Penn and Teller's Bullshit:College on Showtime for an eye opener.
Gun control?Sorry asshole but it's a Bill of Rights and NOT a Bill of Needs.Also,if you wanna argue that then you don't NEED more than one car,or more than one painting on your wall.You don't NEED to read more than one newspaper...blah....blah....Get it?If you wanna throw that "need" shit around then let me tell that I can disappear into the woods right now and live just as fullfilling and comfortable a life as I can here at home.All the while the only thing I'll "need" is a sharp knife,a ball of string and a .22 pistol.I wonder how many city bound liberal wussy woodsman wannabees will follow me?None I'll bet.
Plus,don't throw that "guns where only supposed to be for the army" shit at me either because i'll throw back dozens of quotes from early Americans,including our forefathers,at you that prove otherwise.Sorry dipshit but this is America,I'm an America,I want to shoot my gun so I will.Period!Don't like it?Then fuckin' leave!
while we're on the subject of guns let me take a moment and explain why it is that libs hate them.You see it is much easier for libs to pick on a harmless mechanical device than to admit that their own liberal free for all lifestyle is the root of most problems,especially murder.These people don't believe in God so they haven't a higher authority to answer to when they act like degenerates or let's coddle the crook and just blame the gun."Oh,but if he din't have a gun he would have never killed".Bullshit!For thousands of years manking went without guns and they did a pretty damb good job of slicing and dicing each other back then.
Let me tell you a story about me.Growing up in the mountains of Va. I always carried a gun with me everywhere I went.Very much the thing to have handy when you're in the woods miles from anywhere as we often where.Everyone else I grew up with was the same way.Whenever we would walk to the store we always knew who was inside by who's gun was on the porch.It had been this way for hundreds of years.Now did any of us ever kill each other?NO!Playing football and winding up in a fight did any of us ever feel tempted to pick up his gun only feet away and shoot the other?NO!Why?Because we had christian family morals and values.Something that libs care nothing about.A fight is a fight and defending yer home or your life is another story.Lib terds don't believe you have a right to defend yourself.However,if you kill someone else you do have a right to not go to jail.After all the gun made you do it.Right?To them even if you do try to kill someone and get shot you are a VICTIM of gun violence.Don't believe me?Don't think they're that bad?Check this out:http://www.niagara-gazette.com/story.asp?id=1776
this should put a knot in yer bloomers.
Now as for animals if I am bearing down on a big ol' buck with my .300 weatherby he has a right be killed quickly and cleanly by me in a sane and humane fashion.He also has a right to not be wasted unnecessarily.Beyond that PETA can kiss the fattest,whitest part of my venison fed ass.To make this long story short don't buy into their "caring about the animals" shit.Most "animal rights" activist care very little about animals.In fact I love confronting these idiots on Yahoo and watching them flunk out of the most rudiment trivia about animals,their habitat,natural resources management and the environment in general.Most of these people really are stupid.That's why they're so quick to just readily accept any old junk science that comes along.All you have to do is make sure that your "research" makes humans look bad.Being as how most "animal rights" activists are really just anti-human activists in disguise that's usually all it takes.
Well gotta go.To wrap this up i'll ask a favor.If you are a liberal tree huggin,gun grabbin,butt pumpin hippie freak then please do the environment a REAL favor by finding the tallest building you can and taking a flyin fuckin leap!
Oh,and one last note.How long do you think you'll be able to exercise your First Ammendment right to make up lies and run yer freakin' yap after you succeed in taking away my Second Ammendment rights?If you said anything besides "not long" then you really are stupid and probably should be queer just so you won't fuckin' breed.

Posted by: Russ at June 13, 2005 08:02 PM (ObxzR)

4 Dang Russ, first you ask if I'm trying to give you a stroke and then you practically have one.

Calm, my friend.

Posted by: Ted at June 13, 2005 08:33 PM (+OVgL)

5 Wow Russ... that just...


wow

Posted by: Oorgo at June 14, 2005 06:42 PM (lM0qs)

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