December 17, 2004
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Vindicated by Dashboard ConfessionalHope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eyeAnd roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated, I am{Chorus}
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourselfSo clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me
So isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that I am{Chorus}
So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall foreverDefense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'll be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away (3x)
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away (4x){Chorus}
My hope
dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...
Posted by: Ted at
04:37 AM | category: Square Pegs
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December 16, 2004
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12:15 PM | category: Square Pegs
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December 15, 2004
Here's where I wish I had multiple sets of eyes so I could glare at more than one of you at once.
Discussing attire for a semi-formal this weekend:
I have formal and I have informal. Maybe I should just wear my prom dress and a hoodie.
In her Physics class with her lab partner:
Partner: Give me a random number so I can solve this quadratic equation.Mookie: 76.
Partner (after a few moments): Whoa, that's weird. Let me double check that... (more time passes) Holy crap, the answer is 75.9!
Mookie: Tuesday is jello day.
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07:09 PM | category: Square Pegs
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dreamTed: "I think I'll start using random punctuation and italicizing on Rocket Jones, just for fun."dreamMookie: "I though you already did."
I grounded her for dreamLife. Did you know there was a dreamChild Services?
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05:30 AM | category: Square Pegs
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December 14, 2004
Their primary purpose is to be straddled. Is it any wonder we want to be reincarnated as one?
2. GIRLS FIGHTING
Cursing, crying, pulling hair, throwing drinks, abusing bathroom attendants and being convicted of assault: sexy. A mug shot with a tear-streaked face: even sexier.
3. THE AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE YOU HEAR WHEN YOU DIAL 4-1-1
"I think you said, 'Spank me hard.' Is this correct? To confirm, press 1 or say yes."
4. GYNECOLOGY
Very serious matter, seven years of training, blah, blah, blah...We just want a set of those stirrup things. Think they can be rented for private parties?
5. LEOPARD PRINTS
Because they say, "I really do not care." Just add vodka and Bon Jovi for a down-and-dirty good time.
6. OUR FRIENDS' MOMS
They were hot when we were 13 and didn't know any better. Then we grew out of it - only to grow back into it. We were right the first time.
7. GIRLS HUGGING
Look! Their nipples are almost touching! Damn those blouses!
8. WOMEN DRESSED AS MEN
Either lolling around in our shirts the morning after or doing the full drawn-on-mustache cigar-suit thing. It's like Groucho Marx with a vagina.
9. SHOE-STORE EMPLOYEES TYING YOUR LACES
It was the most mind-blowingly erotic experience of our young lives. Now we have to buy $500 shoes for the pleasure. At least we're smart enough to ask for double knots.
10. FEMALE BARTENDERS
If we passed them on the street, we wouldn't look twice. But put them in a dark room and in charge of beer and suddenly we're babbling idiots. And not just because we're wasted out of our mind. Well, it's not totally because we're wasted out of our mind.
11. FEMALE POLICE OFFICERS
Beneath the stern expression, starched shirt and firearm is the soft, yielding, lightly scented flesh of a woman. A woman who could shoot us if we looked at her the wrong way. Ideally, while we're handcuffed to the headboard.
12. PREGNANT WOMEN
Because their boobs get even bigger. And because they're broadcasting to the entire world that they just had sex.
13. FAT GIRLS
We come for the cleavage. We stay for the sex. We leave in shame - satiated shame.
14. SCHOOLGIRL UNIFORMS
Especially when worn by Japanese girls. White socks optional. Pigtails essential. It's not a fetish if 100 percent of men like it - it's a law of nature.
15. JESSICA RABBIT
If she lets a stuttering bunny take a crack at her, it means we might actually have a chance. But unfortunately, we're not a cartoon. Hear that, Lucy Van Pelt? There's no way that's our baby!
16. HELENA BONHAM CARTER IN PLANET OF THE APES
Yes, a monkey girl. Is that so wrong? Know what? Watch a female ape eat a banana and get back to us.
17. CONDOM INSTRUCTIONS
Not that we need instruction, but the detailed language and explicit diagrams make us want to try it right now. (And don't think we won't.) They're also good for a little light bathroom reading.
18. WOMEN WHO HATE US
Particularly if they've belittled us in front of our friends, called us ugly and/or gay and are going out with much better-looking, manlier men than us. Those girls are as hot as our confidence is shattered.
19. CAROLYN FROM THE APPRENTICE
She's like a female cop, but with an extra dash of fascism.
20. LINGERIE DEPARTMENTS
Not the lingerie itself, but rather the notion that we might get a sales girl so wildly turned on by our blithely fingering the same undies she's wearing that she has to enact her fantasy of raunchy sex with a total stranger in the nearest dressing room. (Preferably, that stranger would be us.)
21. BURQAS
We hear that women who wear them also sport ultrasexy lingerie underneath, reserved for the eyes of their husbands. Now that's all we can think about. Allah, please forgive us! And angry husbands, don't stone us!
22. TAN LINES
The pale parts look even more naked next to the tanned parts. This also works with sock marks and bra indentations.
23. FEMALE COLLEAGUES BENDING OVER
You respect her. She respects you. Then you stare at her ass crack like it's the Grand Canyon.
24. VISIBLE PANTY LINES
Because they're visible! And they're panties!
25. HORSEBACK RIDING
Expert thighs clamped around hard, quivering muscle? Ass-whipping? Steamy snorting? Notorious for giving young women their first orgasms? Bareback and mounting? If that's not sublimated sex, then neither is Kathy Bates' nude hot-tub scene in About Schmidt.
And as an added bonus, in the extended entry are Five Things We Should Find Sexy...But Don't. more...
Posted by: Ted at
04:53 AM | category: Square Pegs
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December 13, 2004
Fifty dollars for the guy to walk in the door to tell us the oven is broken. And I've already done most of the diagnostic work for him, thanks to a friendly and experienced neighbor. Yesterday we checked the gas pressure in the house at the furnace and water heater (it's good), even did a little pre-winter maintenance on the appliances and they're all ok. I took the oven apart a little and made sure the glow plate is working and cleaned out the gas vents, which seem to be working just fine. So it's the thermocouple or a gas valve or something like that, and will probably be hideously expensive and rediculously easy to replace.
Like the old joke about the machine problem that no one on site could fix, so they called the vendor technician. He walked in, watched it for a few minutes, took out a screwdriver and turned a screw 1/4 turn, after which the machine ran perfectly. Then he presented a bill for $600.00. The plant manager threw a hissy fit and demanded an itemized bill, so the tech wrote:
"turn screw - $2.00"
"knowing which screw to turn - $598.00"
We'll find out thursday which screw to turn.
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09:06 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Posted by: Ted at
05:46 AM | category: Square Pegs
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December 11, 2004
But I might have an acceptable compromise or three (in the extended entry, and it's even semi-safe for work) more...
Posted by: Ted at
07:04 AM | category: Square Pegs
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December 10, 2004
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08:28 AM | category: Square Pegs
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December 09, 2004
"The process was flawed," Johnson said. "There weren't enough people in the conversation. And there was little or no consideration of the ramifications of the decision."
In other words, the people who were delegated the authority to hire and fire football coaches did so, but because Willingham is black, that makes it wrong and different this time.
Johnson also said the decision has hurt Notre Dame's goal of improving diversity on campus.
Bullshit. Notre Dame has hundreds if not thousands of applications for each student slot available.
"I think the damage that was done by this decision is irreparable in the immediate future," she told the newspaper.
Yep, doom and gloom. "Irreperable" damage. Whitey is just jumping for joy over this one.
On Wednesday, [University President] Malloy said he was surprised Willingham was not given more time to try to succeed and that he was embarrassed by the firing.
Translation: "A shitstorm has developed over the firing of a non-performing football coach who happens to be black, and I need to cover my ass. Besides, football isn't that important to colleges anyways, especially not to Notre Dame."
I have a dream, when a man will be judged not by the color of his skin, but by the performance of the job he's been hired to do.
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04:47 PM | category: Square Pegs
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In LotR all the elves sailed to the “undying lands” to the west. Continental drift caused those lands to move further north and eventually they were left to spend eternity making toys for their new red-suited overlord.
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06:57 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Posted by: Ted at
06:12 AM | category: Square Pegs
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The trip back from Michigan wasn't quite that bad.
Bungee cords are your friend.
No college student should own that much crap.
I carefully planned this one around good weather, and we made the return trip on the one non-rainy day forecasted for the week. The ride up was an adventure, going through Pennsylvania I hit fog so thick you couldn't see fifty feet in front of you, then a blinding driving rain on the turnpike's downhill run. Mostly though, it was drizzly and rainy and showery and blustery. Enough to keep you alert and paying attention to the road, not enough to dampen my good spirits.
I saw the most vivid rainbow in my life in Ohio. The colors were electric and it was very close. A few minutes later it was joined by a second, slightly more faint arc. Awesome.
We packed the truck twice. The first time in the parking lot of her dorm and the second time in a commuter lot about 10 miles south of her campus. I made her give stuff away to the kids who helped bring her stuff down from the room. Stuff that wouldn't fit in the truck.
No one should own that many shoes. Her nickname as a teen was "Imelda", and she's still living up to that name.
I ended up driving the entire way back (11+ hours) because I just couldn't contort myself enough to sit in the passenger seat around the crap on the floor. When we tried to make the driver swap, Robyn popped into the Starbucks on the turnpike plaza for a large coffee and a double-shot of caffeine. It was kinda funny watching her buzz for awhile after that. Yakata-yakata-yakata-yakata...
So I drove on, doing fine and enjoying the ride. We got home late last night and unloaded granny's rocker Robyn's life, and even got most of it put away (at least temporarily).
Son just left for work - job 1 this morning, first day at job 2 this afternoon - and Mookie is bumbling around getting things together for school. So why am I up? My legs are griping a little bit this morning about the long drive, teetering on the very edge of a massive charlie horse. I get up and walk around every few minutes, do the stairs a couple of times, stretching out and keeping them warm.
The whole family is home again. Nice. (temporarily... temporarily... temporarily...)
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05:19 AM | category: Square Pegs
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December 06, 2004
Posted by: Ted at
11:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
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For instance, some men like to direct their stream against the side of the porcelain to minimize the sound, while others aim directly for the deep end to go for the big splash. The more frivolous might be trying to recreate in miniature the effect of water erosion against the deodorant cake, and there are always the bubble games to amuse the mind while neccessarily occupied in standing still (cool, that one looks just like Florida!).
More fundamental are the physical differences. The male organ is highly variable in detail, even in it's non-recreational role. A gentleman with a larger diameter urethra sounds like he's pouring water into the toilet from a glass (or a fire hose). A man closer to garden hose functionality won't make nearly as much noise and will take considably longer to complete the task at hand. Then there are those guys who seem to have a sprinkler head attached to the end of their willie, and cannot hit the target regardless of range or proximity.
Those last are the ones you want to avoid ladies, else you'll be wiping the seat and mopping bathroom floors for the rest of your life.
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06:05 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Tennessee Birdwalk Take away the trees
and the birds'll have to sit upon the ground.
(Hum)
Take away their wings
and the birds'll have to walk to get around.
Take away the birdbaths
and dirty birds will soon be everywhere.
Take away their feathers
and the birds will walk around in underwear.
Take away their (whistle)
and the birds'll have to whisper when they sing.
(Chirp chirp!)
Take away their common sense
and they'll be heading southward in the spring.Oh, remember me, my darling when spring is in the air,
And the bald headed birds are whispering everywhere.
When you see them walking southward in their dirty underwear,
That's the Tennessee Bird Walk.How about some trees
so the birds won't have to sit upon the ground?
(Hum)
And how about some wings
so the birds won't have to walk to get around?
And how about a birdbath or two
so the birds will all be clean?
And how about some feathers
so their underwear no longer will be seen?
How about a little (whistle)
so the birds won't have to whisper when they sing?
(Chirp chirp!)
And how about some common sense,
So they won't be blocking traffic in the spring?Oh, remember me, my darling when spring is in the air
And the bald headed birds are whispering everywhere
When you see them walking southward in their dirty underwear
That's the Tennessee Bird Walk (Chirp chirp!)-- Jack Blanchard and Misty Morgan
You can hear the whole thing here (chirp chirp).
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05:13 AM | category: Square Pegs
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December 05, 2004
Those folks don't hear the voiceover. If I were in dad's place, I think grandma would get a nice room at a home for Christmas.
Posted by: Ted at
04:11 PM | category: Square Pegs
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