The facehugger from the movie Alien.

Eight legs, what a happy coincidence.

Imagine heaving one of these onto the ice at a hockey playoff game instead of an octopus. They wouldn't know what it was, and probably wouldn't want to touch it.

But we can do better...

It's a plushie, so it needs to be slicked up with some sort of slimy goo. I'm thinking a KY and Karo syrup mixture. Something that will drip disgustingly when it's picked up.

To keep it from looking waterlogged from the goo, spray it down real good beforehand with 3M's Scotchguard. The hell with the CFC's and the ozone man, we're doing a joke here!

I just thought of another little twist. Insert a small vibrator inside so it's throbbing a little bit. Just enough to feel wrong when it's picked up. Imagine the look on the guys face as he gingerly touches it, then realizes that it might still be alive.

See? That's not so hard. Now what else could we do with this little beastie?

Thanks to TexasBestGrok for the inspiration, via the Llama Butchers, and even farther back than that.

Posted by: Ted at 06:34 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Because every... never mind.

Posted by: Ted at 06:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Hello Mr. Intelligence Agent. Welcome to my blog.

Posted by: Ted at 07:24 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Nice catch Ted. Didn't see that one. I'll have to make mention of it on my blog, just because (and I'll credit you, of course.)

Posted by: Cindy at April 27, 2004 09:09 PM (qdUqR)

2 Thanks

Posted by: Ted at April 28, 2004 07:09 AM (blNMI)

3 That is very interesting.

Where did the banner with the nice lady go????

Posted by: Blogeline at April 28, 2004 09:00 AM (O27QY)

4 The spotted cuckoo bird is flying backwards.

Posted by: Victor at April 28, 2004 09:11 AM (L3qPK)

5 Blogeline, she's in the rotation with all my other banners. I change it up every week or so.

Posted by: Ted at April 28, 2004 12:21 PM (blNMI)

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Probably the most underappreciated player in the history of hockey was Detroit's Alex Delvecchio. In 24 seasons he played 1,529 games, scored 456 goals and 825 points, yet was selected for the NHL all-star game only one time, and that on the second team. Why was this stellar performer overlooked by so many for so long? Because his line-mate was Gordie Howe.

The finals of the 1950-1951 season were memorable because all five games were decided in overtime. The Toronto Maple Leafs won it all when rising star Bill Barilko lifted a shot past Gerry McNeil of the Montreal Canadiens for the winning goal. During the ensuing off-season, Barilko disappeared while on a fishing trip to a remote area of Northern Ontario. It was 11 years before the wreckage of the airplane and his body were found and 11 years before the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup again.

The playoffs of the 1951-1952 season introduced a weird hockey tradition. Two Detroit brothers came up with the symbolism of the octopus. Eight arms for eight wins needed to take home the Stanley Cup. In the first period of the fourth game of the finals against Montreal, the brothers heaved their deceased mollusc onto the ice. The idea caught on, and even though the today's modern playoff format makes the number eight meaningless, fans all over the country continue to throw octopi onto the ice during playoff games.

Stan Mikita was the first Czech player to make it into the NHL, joining the Chicago Blackhawks at the end of the 1958-1959 season. During his early career he was a scrapper and routinely racked up 100+ penalty minutes a season. After his seventh season, his young daughter asked him why he spent so much time in the penalty box, and he resolved to play a cleaner game from then on. Cutting back on his penalty minutes didn't hurt his game at all, and he won the league MVP and Lady Byng trophy for sportsmanship two years in a row. In 22 seasons he led the league in scoring four times. Later in his career he suffered a concussion that caused him to miss a quarter of the season, after which he designed a helmet which proved to be very popular. Having a star of his caliber wear a helmet took a lot of pressure off of other players during a time when almost no one wore them and wearing one caused some to question your toughness.

Posted by: Ted at 05:37 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I'm just not sure who to send my resume to.

(in the extended entry) more...

Posted by: Ted at 07:38 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Tomorrow the contractors come to install new windows in our house. After managing a little ladder mishap last night that wrenched my back I'm moving at half speed. So I took today off from work because everything around the house was going to take longer to do.

We got all the curtains down and washed, and all the hardware for curtains, blinds, shades, etc removed. Furniture moved and access to every window cleared. The last thing I have to do tonight is to put a couple of CAT-5 connectors on the new cabling we ran last weekend, and a few last-second things in the morning.

A little while ago they stopped by and dropped off some materials for tomorrow. I've been wanting to do this for several years, but damn it's expensive. I know it'll automatically raise the value of the house at least as much as they cost, not to mention the improved efficiency of new windows compared to the original almost 40 year old ones. I was talking to a couple of neighbors about it, and apparently we got a decent price too.

Hockey's on. Then I need a hot shower, some kick-ass pain drugs, and some sleep. Enjoy your weekend.

Posted by: Ted at 07:49 PM | category: Square Pegs
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From my wife, who got it from her sister.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, and the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked. "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

Posted by: Ted at 10:03 AM | category: Square Pegs
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My wife was surprised to hear me use that phrase yesterday. If you haven't heard it before, it refers to one of those times when you momentarily forget what you were going to say or do.

I don't use "senior moment" to describe myself, because I've been absent minded my whole life. I'm a fanatical list-maker, because if I didn't write it down, I know I'd forget. In fact, sometimes my biggest problem is finding an old list and trying to remember if I've already dealt with it or not.

I was going somewhere with this, but I was interupted and now I can't remember. Sounds like a joke, but I'm serious. I didn't make a note to myself, and I forgot. It's inevitable I tell you.

Damn, that's gonna bug me too.

Update: Ok, I didn't leave myself a note, but another window was open on the PC and that reminded me. And it was a list, kinda. Some bloggers share what they find on their searchengine referrer logs, and I love to read those because it's usually funny and amazing what turns up. I haven't done it before because, well, I'm odd like that, and usually won't do something that others do.

But it's a list, which makes it ok for this post, which is turning into one huge rambling mess. Besides the expected "rocket" and "how to make a rocket" stuff I find:

"porta-potty" rental rate

Probably someone from the State Department.

The Gravity Probe B satellite conspiracy

Paging Mr. Stone...

beats him like a red headed step child

Yep, I use that phrase. Surprisingly though, mine has hyphens. Ok, so maybe not so surprising. Some say punctuation is a tool for writers. In that case, I'm like the movie psychotic who misuses various tools to bludgeon understanding into your unsuspecting mind. Make sense out of that screwed-up metaphore, I dare ya!

gladiator eroticus pictures

The google hits for "softcore lesbian movie spoofs shot direct to video" start to roll in! Go me.

clipping riverdance

The nude version. It's my idea, but I need investors. Any takers? Apparently someone thinks I'll need a barber on staff too.

2004 email addresses of MR. YOUSUF

I think we'd all like to have that. Let me know when you get it, ok?

All right, enough of this nonsense.

Posted by: Ted at 08:35 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 That explains why you forgot about that hockey game

Posted by: Victor at April 23, 2004 10:11 AM (L3qPK)

2 Hmmm. I've noticed other bloggers mentioning these, too, but my site meter doesn't tell me stuff like that. I think I clicked on "hits by referrers" or something and it asks me to pay for an upgrade. In the event that I just wasn't looking in the right place, where exactly do you find the list of google searches that led to your site?

Posted by: Tuning Spork at April 23, 2004 01:32 PM (zpKCx)

3 It's not part of SiteMeter, it's the other one next to it, called Extreme Tracking. Neither one is perfect, but Extreme offers a couple kinds of Referrer Tracking with their standard freebie counter.

Apparently I'm missing a lot of hits because I only have the counters up on my main page, but that's ok because I'm trying not to obsess over numbers.

It is interesting though to see who visits and how they get there.

Posted by: Ted at April 23, 2004 02:13 PM (ZjSa7)

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(ID's have been changed to protect the clueless and evil)

proudpapa: oh man
proudpapa: my son is sooooooo dead
lemon8: Why?
proudpapa: hes been looking at internet web sites in effing EUROPE
proudpapa: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
proudpapa: our effing phone bill is gonna be nuts
lemon8: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99 to your bill per hour.
proudpapa: ...!!!!!! DAMN DAMN DAMN
proudpapa: is there some plan we can sign up for???
proudpapa: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dont want to pay that much
lemon8: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with it.
proudpapa: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet sites.
proudpapa: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead
lemon8: By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long distance.
** proudpapa has quit (Connection reset by peer)

Posted by: Ted at 06:40 AM | category: Square Pegs
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After all, they are from the Silicon Valley.

Thanks to the Hockey Pundits for the pointer.

Posted by: Ted at 11:58 AM | category: Square Pegs
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... that I'm mentally prepared to leave this project.

I was talkng to some co-workers this morning when one lady made a disgusted choking sound and pointed at the floor. There was a large cockroach going his merry way down the hall. One guy moved to stomp it, but stopped when I said "better not." Everyone paused and looked at me.

"Might be management."

The roach got away. I better get a good review from him.

Posted by: Ted at 08:22 AM | category: Square Pegs
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First off, I'd like to thank everyone who gave advice about my neighborhood pit bull situation. Y'all are levelheaded and rational, and I'm often not, so your words mean a lot. Cindy pointed out this story about a recent mauling, which is exactly the kind of thing I'm worried about.

A few thoughts about drivers, inspired by recent events during my commute:

I'm not anti-religion, but where in the rules does it say that as soon as you plaster devotional slogans on your car it becomes ok to be an asshole? My favorite so far is the bumper stickers that say "In case of Rapture, this vehicle will be driverless". Guess what? You already drive like a brain-dead zombie, so nobody will notice the friggin' difference!!!!!

Yesterday I passed one of those ubiquitous service vans (you know, plumbers, electricians, whatever... ladders on top, logos all over it), and got a dirty look for not letting him pull into my lane. He probably would've flipped me off, but he had a map in one hand, a cell phone in the other, looked to be steering with his knees, and couldn't spare an elbow to use the turn-signal. I didn't look to see if he was waiting for the Rapture.

Do you have HOV lanes where you live? "High Occupancy Vehicle" lanes, and on my route they're a separate roadway between the north and southbound interstates, and you need three people in the car to use them. The last couple of days the cops have been out in force enforcing it, which always makes me feel good. I don't mind if people cheat, as long as once in a while they get caught. The fines are very steep, so I consider it a tax on stupid (thanks for that one Victor).

Anyway, back to the HOV's. The cops set up at the far end of the entrance ramp to get on the HOV lanes so there's no sneaking by. This morning an SUV was trying to back up a quarter mile on the shoulder of the onramp after spotting the cops at the last minute. I laughed my ass off when another cop car pulled up behind the nitwit. Have an extra helping of ticket, ya idiot.

Still in the car, this morning I was listening to the Allman Brothers' Jessica. It's not uncommon for bloggers to post favorite lyrics, and I started laughing as I thought about this one.

Jessica
Allman Brothers

Da da da da dee da da da daaah da da da daaah de dahhhhhhhh.
Da da da da dee da da da duh da da da de dahhhhhhhhhhhh.

I don't know what's scarier, the fact that I Googled "Jessica" + "lyrics" + "Allman Brothers" (just in case), or the fact that I got several hits. Thank God all of them just said "instrumental".

Have you seen the new NBA playoff commercial? It's got everything - bright marquee lights, rappers, squirmy young sex-bombs and Carlos Santana. It's like it was made exclusively for Laker fans, and the rest of the country can go to hell. To be fair, it'll probably appeal to a segment of the populations in Las Vegas and Branson, Mo too. Other than that, it's utterly forgettable. In fact, I'd seen it maybe four or five times before I even realized what it was for.

I don't blog much about work, but if I leave my current place of employment, expect a whole heap o' stories to pour forth. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll be outraged (US taxpayers only).

All done, I feel better.

* ‘Ripple Fire’ is a mode whereas multiple military rockets are launched at a (usually ground) target in rapid sequence. It’s similar to machine-gun fire, but with big booms at the receiving end. I use the title for disjointed snippets and thoughts too short for their own posts.

Posted by: Ted at 06:34 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Montreal came back from 3 games to 1 down to win their best-of-seven series against Boston. Boston star Chokin' Joe Thornton scored a grand total of zero points in the series. Montreal goes on to play Tampa Bay in the second round.

In the other game seven last night, Vancouver took on Calgary. The Canucks scored with 6 seconds left to tie, but Calgary won in OT and now advances to play Detroit.

Tonight, Toronto and Ottawa square off in their game 7. The winner takes on Philadelphia in round 2.

San Jose will meet Colorado in the other Western second round matchup.

In other hockey news, Igor Larionov announced his retirement today.

The 43-year-old Larionov, the oldest player to compete in the NHL this season, signed with New Jersey as a free agent in September. He had hoped to win a fourth Stanley Cup to cap a professional career that began in 1980 in the former Soviet Union.

"When you leave the game, it's sad," Larionov said. "It's time to move on. There are things in my mind that I want to do, but I'm not going to rush into anything."

Posted by: Ted at 05:36 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Coke and Pepsi are both planning to introduce mid-calorie colas this summer. At first, I couldn't see the point, but I assume they'll be closer in taste to their regular offerings.

I'll probably never even try them, because I grew up drinking diet soda (mom was diabetic - I love Tab and Fresca), so there's no interest here.

In further news, advance advertising includes the phrase "half the carbs". Gee, what a surprise.

Posted by: Ted at 07:23 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Mmmmmm...Fresca!

Posted by: jen at April 19, 2004 08:33 PM (IDS0s)

2 Ewww, Tab.

Posted by: John Lanius at April 19, 2004 11:24 PM (QpV7d)

3 Mmmmmm... Fresca.

Surprisingly good mixer with rum.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at April 20, 2004 05:43 AM (4819r)

4 Ya know, that's the second person that's said that Fresca is good with rum.

Posted by: jen at April 20, 2004 02:55 PM (C31gH)

5 I've mixed Fresca with vodka (very nice on a summer's evening!), but never rum. Have to try it sometime...

Posted by: Tuning Spork at April 20, 2004 08:37 PM (KR1AK)

6 Fresca mixed with rum?

I thought it was for mixing with tequila!

Posted by: San Juan Sam at May 06, 2004 11:24 PM (Zi9xD)

7 Tab and Fresca both suck.

Posted by: Michael at June 01, 2004 04:46 PM (IILi/)

8 Try Fresca with Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum. It is very good!

Posted by: Martin at November 22, 2004 02:02 PM (UL7fV)

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1. Never pass up an opportunity to go for a joy ride.
2. Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstacy.
3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
4. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
6. Take frequent naps, and stretch before rising.
7. Run, romp, and play daily.
8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
9. Be loyal.
10. Never pretend to be something you're not.
11. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle him or her gently.
12. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
13. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
14. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shade tree.
15. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
16. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout - run back and make friends.

Posted by: Ted at 12:28 PM | category: Square Pegs
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I have a special gift. I kill comment threads. For a while there, I felt hurt by that, because nobody ever responded to my comments, and if I left the first one somewhere, the little number '1' sat there like a tombstone, telling the world that Ted killed another potential conversation. After a while I moved right past the unsettled feelings and began to enjoy it. I kill comment threads. I'm a serial comment thread killer. I wonder if there's a program for that? I wonder if I would bother to go?

Posted by: Ted at 08:39 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Yay Ted! Everyone needs a special talent!

Posted by: Susie at April 18, 2004 09:35 AM (sf0L+)

2 your sick.... woot

Posted by: Mookie at April 18, 2004 12:34 PM (ZjSa7)

3 i do that too!

Posted by: annika at April 18, 2004 11:41 PM (PCv13)

4 I think it's more like you have a tendency to voice the truth that no one else was intelligent or quick enough to articulate, and potential commenters are thinking, "Yeah, man. What he said!"

Posted by: Dawn at April 19, 2004 12:00 PM (9B1bj)

5 Dawn, you must be right. Ow! My hat doesn't fit anymore.

Posted by: Ted at April 19, 2004 12:39 PM (blNMI)

6 My grandmother said that everyone has a special talent. Mine is playing minesweeper. I once finished the expert game in 26 seconds.

Posted by: buckethead at April 19, 2004 01:41 PM (dqO+A)

7 Oh good! I thought killing comment threads was just me. So glad I'm not the only one!

Posted by: mapgirl at May 02, 2004 12:52 PM (j+MRS)

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In this corner of the world anyway. Get outside and do something!

Posted by: Ted at 03:12 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Which reminded me that we haven't done a Nog Watch report for the month. Nothing special to report, other than it's still there. The surrounding contents of the shelf rotate on a semi-regular basis, but the carton of Nog remains (what an appropriate word) as Lord of all it surveys.

For those wondering what I'm babbling about, pieces of the story are here and here and here and here.

Posted by: Ted at 12:10 PM | category: Square Pegs
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No deep analysis here, just some things that have stuck in my mind as I watch the playoffs. For more knowlegable coverage, check out Off Wing Opinion and The Hockey Pundits. Both highly recommended.

Nashville has taken two in a row at home to tie their series against powerful Detroit. This shouldn't surprise anyone, because the Red Wings have a history of getting knocked out of the playoffs in big upsets. The Sharks did it several years ago, and last year it was the Mighty Ducks. Nobody believes the Predators will actually do it, but still...

The Wings have been spoiled in recent years by spectacular goaltending. This year they had kind of a soap opera in net, but I'm tired of hearing people griping about Manny Legacy. He's not a great goaltender, but he's not as bad as they make him out to be. Plus, he got the Wings into the playoffs. The Wings are going with Curtis Joseph is goal tonight. Good luck CuJo, they're giving you a chance to do your annual playoff choke.

Montreal's Kovalev is lucky his teammates haven't practiced a little 'lynch mob justice' against him. For those who haven't heard, Kovalev was moving the puck when a stick hit him across his (heavily gloved) hand. He quit playing the puck and acted like he was hurt trying to draw a penalty, then ran into his own player. An alert Boston player took the puck and scored the game-winning goal. Oh yeah, it was overtime. Two things really piss me off about this. First, Kovalev has a history of this kind of crap, and secondly, he blamed the teammate that he ran into for it. That's twice in this series that a Montreal player has faked an injury on the ice trying to draw a penalty. Embarrassing.

On the upside, it was fun watching former player and coach Barry Melrose go off about it on television. He didn't use the word "chickenshit", but that's about all he forgot.

Philadelphia is playing great and making the Devils look bad in the process. Broduer looks ordinary.

Tampa Bay is for real. I hate them, especially Martin St. Louis who looks like Richard Simmons. I don't know why, but he just annoys me. Actually, I do know why, it's because of last years playoffs against the Washington Capitals. Yep, I'm holding a grudge.

Toronto vs. Ottawa. *Yawn* Toronto is no fun without the whining, and Ottawa reminds me of the machine-like play of Landry's Dallas Cowboys. Mats Sundin left the game last night hurt, so unless he can come back, Toronto is done.

Colorado, Dallas and St. Louis just look old. All still good teams, but this year speed is king (Tampa, Nashville, Boston, San Jose), and these teams are showing their age.

Those speed teams I mentioned are just making the plays. They seem to be in the right place at the right time. Boston and San Jose in particular are fast and tough. These aren't prissy little speedsters, they check hard, move people off the puck, and plant someone in the crease on offense.

Calgary and Vancouver are too far west for this east-coast guy. I haven't really seen either play all year, and won't until later rounds when they might come on a little earlier. Kiprusof was the Sharks backup goalie last year, and it's beginning to look like San Jose is becoming a goalie factory - Shields, Nabokov, Kiprusof, Teskala, and I understand they've got a couple great prospects still in the minors.

The Sharks are going to be good for a long time. Young, fast, and good goaltending.

Posted by: Ted at 06:32 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Being a computer consultant in the DC area, I've worked for a few different government agencies over the years. The following is an actual telegram received when I worked at the Department of State, regarding, ah... budget matters... at an embassy overseas. I edited out some of the 'official' jargon to clean it up some.

SUBJECT: HALF MOON OVER GABORONE

1. IN REVIEWING ANALYSIS OF FUNDING PROVIDED FOR CURRENT FISCAL YEAR, POST WAS DISMAYED TO FIND THAT THE BUREAU DELETED DOLLARS 3,000 FOR THE LEASE OF A PORTABLE TOILET. POST HESITATES TO MAKE A STINK OVER PIDDLING PROBLEMS, BUT FROM WHERE WE SIT, IT'S IMPORTANT.

2. POST HAS REPEATEDLY POINTED OUT IN CABLES AND TO BUREAU VISITORS THE THIS NEWLY CONSTRUCTED CHANCERY DOES NOT HAVE TOILET FACILITIES FOR OUTSIDE PERSONNEL LIKE GUARDS AND GARDENERS AND NIGHTWATCHMEN AND DRIVERS AND DELIVERYMEN. PREVIOUSLY, SUCH PERSONNEL DISCHARGED THEMSELVES FREELY AND PUBLICLY ON THE CHANCERY GROUNDS. RECOGNIZING OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO HALT WASTE, AND NOT WISHING TO BE IN BAD ODOR WITH OUR NEIGHBORS, POST RENTED THE PORTA-POTTY TO MAKE UP FOR DESIGN DEFICIENCY.

3. WE REALIZE THE BUREAU IS NO LONGER FLUSH WITH FUNDS. UPON REFLECTION, POST AGREES THAT WE MAY HAVE USED THE WORNG POT AND THE OUTHOUSE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE FUNDED FROM THE S&E ACCOUNT. SINCE ONLY A MODEST ONE-HOLER IS REQUIRED TO RELIEVE OVERSIGHT AND SHOULD QUALIFY AS A "NON-RESIDENTIAL STRUCTURE", POST BELIEVES THE JOHNNY-ON-THE-SPOT SHOULD BE FUNDED UNDER LEASE FUNDS IN LOO OF ORIGINAL.

4. UNLESS INSTRUCTED OTHERWISE, POST INTENDS TO PROCESS FUTURE RENTAL PAYMENTS FROM SAID ACCOUNT.

Posted by: Ted at 04:37 PM | category: Square Pegs
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