Next time you need to refer to somewhere remote, instead of "Bumf**k, Egypt", try "Unpronouncylvania" instead.

Posted by: Ted at 02:02 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Flathead County, Montana is home to the newspaper Bigfork Eagle, which recently had an article containing all the sordid details about a recent law enforcement investigation. It's brief and you really should read it all for the chuckles interspersed with "ewwww" moments. Here are the last two sentences of the article:

"It appears we have a serial horse rapist," Dupont said.

The sheriff's office is investigating, and Dupont advised horse owners to be vigilant.

Posted by: Ted at 07:06 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Another special logo, check it out.

Posted by: Ted at 08:27 PM | category: Square Pegs
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It's what I always imagined chocolate milk in prison would taste like.

Ick.

Posted by: Ted at 01:58 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Ocean salvage companies spent many years looking for the remains of the Titanic, studying the local currents and projecting possible search areas. Because of the depth of the seabed in that area, as well as the frigidity of the water, the actual searching was accomplished with robotic submersible craft carrying cameras.

RMS Titanic, Inc. was formed once they confirmed the location of the wreck. Here's the picture that finally convinced them that all their years of work had paid off (in the extended entry, as usual): more...

Posted by: Ted at 06:09 AM | category: Square Pegs
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The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Oops, forgot to thank Lady TwoDragons for the pointer.

Posted by: Ted at 01:21 PM | category: Square Pegs
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At work we had one of those know-it-all managers. He's since retired, and it was a huge loss of experience and knowledge, because between the two of us we knew it all.

He knew everything in the world except that he was an idiot.

And I knew that.

Update: My gratitude to all who didn't comment on the incorrect spelling of 'knowledge' above. I said I only needed to know one thing...

Posted by: Ted at 08:14 AM | category: Square Pegs
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What is this new television advertising trend where odd children are used in commercials? It all started with Mazda and that 'zoom zoom' kid. Tonight during the football games, Volkswagen started running an ad with another kid who looks just a little 'off', and now IBM features this truly disturbing young blond freak.

Then again, since I remember them I suppose the commercials are a success.

Posted by: Ted at 12:14 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I've now encountered a few new comments that almost don't fit the category of 'spam'.

They come from ficticious but believable names, not something obviously botted together to defeat the filters (we've all seen them in email).

Instead of being link-filled messages, the only 'spammy' part of the message is the URL of the sender. It'll be to something about diet aids or breast enhancement, etc. The email addresses are usually obvious dead-ends.

The comment text itself is something meant to be inspirational. "Be a better person, be a friend" type stuff. Totally unconnected to the product being shilled in the URL.

The telltale signs of spam are subtle for the most part. Except that so far, each one of them has targeted an old old post. Like all comment spam, they hope to get lost in the midst of your archives.

It's kind of ironic that a spammer is giving me advice on how to be a better person. So I'll leave you with this quote from my Tagline Archive:

Imagine standing at a street corner and spitting on people to get their attention, then trying to sell them something. Spamming is a better marketing method than that only in that you get punched less often. -- Esa A. Peuha

You did notice the new tagline up there on the right, didn't you?

Posted by: Ted at 12:51 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Peanut Butter & Jelly. Mmmmmm. I still eat a PB&J for lunch once or twice a week. Somewhere I once read that the most nutritious way to make it was to go heavy on the peanut butter and light on the jelly, so that's what I do. Extra chunky please, although I don't turn my nose up at creamy either.

According to the commercials, "Choosy Mom's Choose JIF", and I agree. I'm not a big peanut butter snob, but you should never buy the store brand just because it's cheaper. It sucks. Trust me, your kids are just too polite to complain.

And you can keep the Wonder bread, I like mine on whole wheat.

We lived in Alabama for several years, and my dad did too in his younger days. I've had southern cooking and it's yum. My dad loves grits and hominy. I've tried both, and think they're disgusting.

And biscuits for breakfast. Hell, any meal is better with biscuits. Except at breakfast, I'll take that whole wheat again - toasted. And skip the butter if you're offering orange marmalade.

I just recently found out that black-eyed peas are actually beans. So now I can say "I don't like black-eyed peas, even though they're actually beans".

My mother-in-law eats black-eyed peas every year on New Years day for good luck.

We lived in Montgomery, Alabama and our corner house had four pecan trees. One year, we had a bumper crop of pecans. Luckily, my wife makes the best pecan pie on the planet. Of course I'm biased, because I'll take pecan pie and a glass of milk over almost anything else.

Lima beans are the alien pods that telemarketers and spammers come from.

Succotash is two syllables too long.

(mental list: bonfire entry... check)

Posted by: Ted at 06:29 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Posted by: Ted at 04:42 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Driving home yesterday, I heard on the radio the advertising for a new business that combines cosmetic dentistry and day spa services.

Their slogan was (something close to): "Why have a perfect smile if your whole face and body aren't just as polished?"

How freakin' shallow can you get? This place is advertising dental laminations and laser whitening to go along with your epidermal peeling and deep tissue massage.

Shallow enough to place an ad in the personals stating "SWF with brilliant straight smile looking for SWM with same." No shit, I saw that one*.

I'm getting to the point where I like seeing a pretty girl with a little gap in her front teeth or a slightly crooked smile, just because it gives her some personality. Everyone nowadays looks like airbrushed Playboy models between the lips.

*Yeah, I see the personals. We've got a couple guys at work who post ads there and want to talk about various potentials. With everyone. Whether you want to or not.

Posted by: Ted at 07:10 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 a pretty girl with a little gap in her front teeth or a slightly crooked smile

that reminds me of the wonderful line in The Firm, when Gary Busey says something like "I love your crooked little smile," and Holly replies "Well, it's not my best feature." Smouldering!

Posted by: chris hall at January 08, 2004 08:52 AM (zH1Gw)

2 that was a great line, but it was David Strathairn as Ray McDeere, and his answer to that is just as priceless.

Tammy: You got the account number, you know how to access it? Mitch has verified that the money is there, seventy-five thousand dollars.
Ray McDeere: I love your crooked little mouth.
Tammy: [surprised laugh] Well it's not my best feature.
Ray McDeere: Wow. Well, what is?

Posted by: Rob at January 08, 2004 04:51 PM (cudbX)

3 I knew girls in two States: Vermont and Connecticut. The girls in Vermont had crooked smiles and a perfect way of looking at things. The girls in Connecticut had perfect smiles and a crooked way of looking at things. I likes my girls au natural!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at January 10, 2004 01:04 AM (mPmv1)

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More thoughts about the Washington Redskins rehiring former coach Joe Gibbs.

I'm trying to figure out whether owner Dan Snyder is a loon or a genius. No more making fun of the team for how far they've fallen, because as of yesterday the Redskins are the most intriguing show in the game.

Plus, Snyder bought himself another two years of breathing room. It's another win/win situation, just like Spurrier at the beginning. Who knows how it'll turn out? If it does go sour, it'll take local fans a while to work up the courage to blast Gibbs. The man is an icon around DC.

Fans around here are walking on clouds right now. Did they really hire Joe Bugel too? I don't even like the Redskins, but it's going to be fun to see what happens for the next couple of years.

Update: Deion Sanders is one bummin' unit. He had his burgundy suit dry-cleaned and everything.

Posted by: Ted at 06:11 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Hey, Deion probably already has a silver-and-black suit he might get to trot out.

So does Gilbert Gottfreid, for that matter

Posted by: Victor at January 08, 2004 08:58 AM (L3qPK)

2 Now I could see Gilbert as Offensive Coordinator. I'd love to hear him miked on the sidelines.

Posted by: Ted at January 08, 2004 09:13 AM (blNMI)

3 I bet Gilbert would *love* to be the Raider's Offensive Coordinator. Lord knows his voice is offensive. . .
*rimshot*

Posted by: Victor at January 09, 2004 07:45 AM (L3qPK)

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On the way to work this morning, I heard a report that owner Dan Snyder has offered a huge amount of money to former coach Joe Gibbs to return to the team.

Typical Snyder - throw lots of money at someone unlikely hoping to solve everything in one heroic move. I mean, c'mon... Gibbs has been out of the game for a long damn time.

The Redskins running game sucked last year, maybe he should offer John Riggins big bucks to come back.

Theismann is available I bet. Or even better, Sonny Jurgenson!!! Throwing long to Art Monk. Jeez, the Redskins have become a parody of themselves. I can't even hate them anymore because they're so pitiful.

Posted by: Ted at 07:18 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Here in the DC area, the supply of O+ blood (the 'universal' type) is almost completely depleted.

If you're eligible, please donate. If you don't know if you can, then please call your local Red Cross or hospital for information.

The pool of eligible doners was slashed in the last few years as tens of thousands of people (many military) were removed from the rolls because of possible mad cow exposure in Europe. Your help is really needed.

Posted by: Ted at 07:06 AM | category: Square Pegs
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The Redskins fired Barney Rubble Steve Spurrier. I hate the Redskins. Unrelated? Not entirely, especially if you use it as an opportunity to test your psychic abilities. Is it possible to cause a hex or jinx just by saying it out loud?

New Redskins coach Deion Sanders.
New Redskins coach Deion Sanders.
New Redskins coach Deion Sanders.
New Redskins coach Deion Sanders.
New Redskins coach Deion Sanders.

Whether you hate the 'Skins, or just because you love Science and Discovery, repeat along with me.

New Redskins coach Deion Sanders.
New Redskins coach Deion Sanders.
New Redskins coach Deion Sanders.
New Redskins coach Deion Sanders.
New Redskins coach Deion Sanders...

Posted by: Ted at 12:14 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 That ain't funny.

Posted by: Victor at January 01, 2004 01:39 PM (16A49)

2 Yes it is. Trust me.

Posted by: Ted at January 01, 2004 03:03 PM (2sKfR)

3 Yes, it is. Very funny. And now I've lived up to the task given to me by Mookie as well.

Posted by: Laughing Wolf at January 01, 2004 09:09 PM (tr8p2)

4 if that wasn't so outrageous it wouldn't be so funny.

Then again, it is outrageous enough that Snyder might do it.

it's not funny at all

Posted by: Rob at January 02, 2004 08:51 AM (cudbX)

5 Not funny! Ted, I thought we were friends!
OTOH, maybe the psychic static will distract Snyder from looking at Ralph Friedgen. I want him staying in College Park.

Posted by: Nic at January 02, 2004 09:21 AM (16A49)

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Be safe tonight, and here's hoping that everyone has their dreams come true in 2004.

Posted by: Ted at 07:55 AM | category: Square Pegs
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For many years I had the following framed and hanging on the wall by my desk at work. Since I almost always work one-man projects, it served to amuse the occasional user who wandered in while simultaneously explaining my somewhat eccentric work habits.

Every programmer has some experience with bodily abuse. Sooner or later, all of us do things to ourselves we wouldn't admit to Mom. Most of the time we say we're provoked by circumstances: whether it's the representative from your client's company -- a not pleasant man who looks a lot like Herman Munster, breathing heavily on your neck -- or some towering, unstoppable endorphin rush that threatens to rip your medulla out of its socket if you don't code up that monstro algorithm RIGHT NOW and forget about your wedding. We generally attribute our protracted binges to some external force.



This attitude bespeaks a hideous wrong-headedness among programmers. We seem to get some masochistic pleasure out of responding to pressure by sitting in front of our machines until our fingernails are too long to type. Our eyes get varicose veins. We run fingers through our hair until we get split ends. We drool. Why?



Because, the deluded among us would answer, we have to. Some specter is chaining us to our chairs, making strangers of our families, removing us from the throb of humanity. It's not a pretty job, we sigh nobly, but someone has to do it. This is, as my sister used to say, pompous fudge-cakes.



We do it because we like it.

I never knew where that came from, I don't even remember where I got it from. Continuing my one-man quest to convince humanity that 'Google is your friend', I managed to find the truth. And in a Paul Harvey-ish twist, it turns out that there's a 'rest of the story' too. more...

Posted by: Ted at 06:42 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Yepper, it's time for another lame Rocket Jones contest! Once again, everyone has the chance to wax poetic in their peculiar particular fashion, and since there's no prize, everybody wins!

So go into the extended entry, put on your thinking caps, and caption the photo. Yes, I ripped the idea off from Kevin at Wizbang!, who got it from someone else, who got it from... you know how it goes. I'm not a bible-readin' man, otherwise we could be sitting here begattin' for quite awhile.

And just in case this isn't enough fun in your dreadfully hum-drum life, go help Mr. Helpful rig an online poll. Do it for the children his kid. Do it for Rock'n'Roll!

I just reread this... can you tell I only got a couple hours of sleep last night? Sorry, I get goofy when I'm tired. (Shut up Mookie, comments from the rest of the peanut gallery will be tolerated). more...

Posted by: Ted at 08:54 AM | category: Square Pegs
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It's monday, the 29th of December, and the carton of eggnog in the refrigerator at work is now officially over a year past its expiration date.

I ain't touching it, not even to throw it out.

Posted by: Ted at 06:29 AM | category: Square Pegs
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