The big red round dude was good to me this Christmas. In the 'things I need' category was a new pocketwatch, since mine went kaput earlier this month. I also scored the books Seabiscuit and Footfall, some cooking goodies, and DVD's including October Sky (the only remotely rocket-related gift), John Wayne's The Cowboys, and a cool little four-pack of crappy horror movies that include such schlock classics as Psychomania, Blood Tide, Horror Express - The Enigma, and my favorite: The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave.

Posted by: Ted at 09:05 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Mookie brought home a nasty cold from school last week, and within days Liz caught it from her. Yesterday evening I started feeling lousy, and now I'm in the middle of it too.

She's grounded.

Posted by: Ted at 05:37 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Merry Christmas or your holiday of choice. Here's hoping you have a great day, a wonderful New Year, and a prosperous 2004 to us all!

You've seen the BK guy ("ding, fries are done"), the Eat'nPark Christmas tree commercial, and by now you've seen "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" (the Champagne Room remix). Here's a tacky and tasteless holiday carol in flash format that might be new to you.

Or maybe you're dreaming of a White Trash Christmas...

Posted by: Ted at 10:18 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I just wanted everyone to know that I took the time to compile an extensive list of online friends that I wanted to send e-cards to for the holidays. Then, like most guys, I gave the list to my wife to take care of for me and forgot all about it.

So did she, so if you didn't get a card from us, blame her.

Posted by: Ted at 10:42 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Because of recent events, Santa now has to go through a more thorough FAA "Flight Safety and Emergency Certification" inspection. On the appointed day, he greets the inspector, and they chat about the new rules and regulations imposed.

Just like they do every year, the FAA inspector looks over Santa's maintenance records, then they go out and do a walk-around of the sleigh. He checks for loose runners, makes sure the reins aren't dry-rotted, asks more questions about what to do during this or that emergency situation, and just generally being more thorough than the normal annual inspection.

Finally, it's time for the check ride, and Santa gets in the sleigh. He's a little alarmed when the FAA inspector climbs aboard with his clipboard and a rifle. Santa immediately inquires about the weapon.

"Well," says the FAA inspector, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're going to suffer an engine failure during take off."

Posted by: Ted at 08:11 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Happy Holidays! ** (see Footnote 1 in the extended entry) more...

Posted by: Ted at 05:28 AM | category: Square Pegs
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The New York Islanders held a promotion where anyone dressed as Santa Claus got free admission to the hockey game last night against their crosstown rival New York Rangers.

Between periods, the Santas were ushered on to the ice, at which point two of them opened up their suits to display NY Ranger sweaters underneath. In a display of old fashioned hockey tradition, both Santas were jumped by the rest, knocked down and stripped of the offending uniforms.

The fight lasted nearly nine minutes, and several normally-dressed fans joined in from the stands. Geez, I love hockey!

Posted by: Ted at 05:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Why A Christmas Tree Is Better Than A Man

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

Posted by: Ted at 08:06 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Hey Daniel, if you thought the Atari classic joystick full of games was cool, check out this one: the Intellivision 25!

My neighbor had an Intellivision, and I always wanted one. Way beyond our newlywed budget at the time, they had some nifty games that were more strategy-oriented than the (still fun) Atari shoot-em-ups.

I'll post a review of it in the near future.

Posted by: Ted at 06:24 AM | category: Square Pegs
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According to Sports Illustrated, for the first time since 1954 no football teams from New York or California will make the playoffs.

Obviously the republicans control the NFL, vindictive bastards.

Posted by: Ted at 11:17 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Over at the Ministry of Minor Perfidy, Johno points out what may very well be the best week in the history of rock and roll.

Check out the Billboard Chart for December 20, 1969:

No. 1, "Abbey Road," the Beatles
No. 2, "Led Zeppelin II," Led Zeppelin
No. 3, "Tom Jones Live in Las Vegas," Tom Jones
No. 4, "Green River," Creedence Clearwater Revival
No. 5, "Let It Bleed," the Rolling Stones
No. 6, "Santana," Santana
No. 7, "Puzzle People," the Temptations
No. 8, "Blood Sweat & Tears," Blood Sweat & Tears
No. 9, "Crosby, Stills & Nash," Crosby, Stills & Nash
No. 10, "Easy Rider" soundtrack (featuring the Byrds, the Jimi Hendrix Experience, and Steppenwolf)

Right there, you have the soundtrack to one kick ass roadtrip.

Posted by: Ted at 08:39 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Guys, you should go with your wife when she has to visit her gynocologist. It's fun to sit in the waiting room and without doing a thing, make every female there uncomfortable as hell. Kind of an implied 'I know what you're here for' thing. Plus, you get to catch up on your chicks magazine reading.

***

My wife was outraged the other evening when I told my daughters that they should do more phone sex. Things calmed down after I outlined "Dad's Definition of Phone Sex":

phone rings, daughter picks up: hello?

boy on other end of line: hey, wanna chill?

daughter: SCREW YOU!

after which daughter immediately slams phone down.

Us dads don't get enough credit for thinking outside the box.

***

If you're drowning in estrogen around the house, get a male dog. Nothing is more 'guy' than a puppy humping everything in sight or licking himself in the middle of the floor. Never ever let a women talk you into getting him fixed.

***

A while back Nic said this in my comments:

"Your love for and commitment to your family comes through in every post."

That's a very sweet thing to say, and I thank you for it. I think it also explains why I have such a hard time meeting women on the side.

Posted by: Ted at 08:04 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Please notice the St. Louis Blues logo up in the corner. The Blues beat my beloved San Jose Sharks last night, so in accordance with the rules of our inter-Munuvian Hockey Whoopass Jamboree, I'll be displaying the logo of Heather's favorite team for the next day or so.

Look for the next installment of the Build It series this weekend. We'll be attaching the fins to the rocket and starting the recovery system.

Oh yeah, I got two pretty good wishes in the comments, but that's all? C'mon people.

Posted by: Ted at 10:27 PM | category: Square Pegs
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I'm even stealing Kevin's title for this one. Michael Jackson is joining Louis Farrakhan's Nation of Islam.

Jehovah's Witnesses all over the world are thanking God. Jacko was starting to give them a bad name.

Posted by: Ted at 12:28 PM | category: Square Pegs
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While reading SilverBlue, I found this pointer to Bill, who posted the most disgusting bit of alleged humor I've seen in a long time. Of course I laughed like a maniac the whole time.

And oddly enough, it was the second 'tampon related' discussion I'd been involved in today. It must be preordained or something, so here is my contribution to the string (pun intended).

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?

A: There's a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Posted by: Ted at 11:50 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I’m one of those folks who listens to Christmas music on the radio. I found the local easy listening station, which has become the self-proclaimed “home for Christmas”, and that’s what plays on the way to work. I love singing along too. But I have a tip for musicians everywhere: there’s not a thing wrong with slow and solemn songs, but for God’s sake don’t turn an upbeat song into a dirge trying to make it ‘your own’.

Country Music Christmas songs fall into two categories: Trailer Trash Tunes and Treacly Tearjerkers. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer and Who Put the Dick on the Snowman are perfect examples of the first sort, and this years apparent winner in the sickly-sweet division is I Want To Buy Those Shoes for Mommy. You see, sheÂ’s going to meet Jesus tonight and she has to look good, so dad sent the kid out to get her new shoes. Barf.

Burger King has once again backed a loser, this time the Cat in the Hat movie. BK commercials in general are obnoxious, and adding the Cat into the mix just makes it worse. Tip time (I’m on a roll today): Next time you have an idea for an advertising campaign, throw it in the trash and do the exact opposite. My consulting fee for that wisdom is ½ of 1% of your advertising budget for next year. If that’s a problem, just dock Herb’s salary.

Lyndon LaRouche is running for president – again. The ad I heard this morning was a pip, even for him. This isn’t a perfect quote, because I’m probably off by a word or two, but the money words are exact: “If the Democratic Party excludes me, they. Will. Be. Destroyed. If the Democratic Party doesn’t include me this time, they are dead meat.” Wow, all the features of ‘Compassionate Conservatism’, except the compassion and conservatism.

In the military, I had to get a flue shot every year, and every year I’d get sick for a few days from the ‘live-virus’ vaccine. I haven’t had one since I got out over ten years ago, and I’ve had my butt kicked by the flu twice in that time.

The way it was explained to me, the makers of the vaccine take the two or three most common strains from the previous year and combine them into the next years vaccine, making an educated guess about whatÂ’s coming along next and hoping that the current strains will be close enough to the previous ones to provide some measure of immunity. ItÂ’s a crap shoot - possible to win, possible to lose badly.

So this year, flu season comes along early and kills some kids. Not to seem unfeeling, but the flu kills about a hundred kids a year, not to mention thousands of older folks. Maybe it was a slow news day or something, but the media has blown this so out of proportion that people are panicking. Now there are hours-long lines waiting to get one of the last hundred doses of vaccine at the local clinic, and then folks get pissed because their baby didnÂ’t get a shot. Why the hell didnÂ’t you get the kid vaccinated when it became available months ago? Shut the hell up. And itÂ’s not the governmentÂ’s fault. The vaccine companies made enough to cover normal demand (thousands of doses get thrown away unused each year), so donÂ’t blame them either. Just shut up.

Meanwhile the talking heads on the news show video clips of lines outside of clinics and horrifically sick kids while they whisper in voice-over “don’t panic”. You too, shut up. Mr. Green, your services are needed here.

HmmmmÂ… need to lighten up and end thisÂ…

Since my wife doesnÂ’t read my blog (and the girls know death awaits if they open their big mouths), IÂ’d like to publicly thank Daniel for pointing out this! I got one for Liz for Christmas (WalMart.com), and it looks like itÂ’s going to be fun.

Kickin' it old school, indeed.

* ‘Ripple Fire’ is a mode whereas multiple military rockets are launched at a (usually ground) target in rapid sequence. It’s similar to machine-gun fire, but with big booms at the receiving end.
I use the title for disjointed snippets and thoughts too short for their own posts.

Posted by: Ted at 08:03 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I heard this on the radio this morning, and it sounds like fun. They called it "Put on your Greedy Caps".

For Christmas, you can have anything you want. Anything.

Among the DJ's on the morning show, their wishes were:
- The deed to Augusta.
- The same amount of money as Bill Gates.
- Heidi Klum.
- (my new hero wanted) his face painted on every water tower in America.

What is your wish? Leave it in the comments.

Posted by: Ted at 07:04 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 I want 30 hours in a day. There is more that I want to do, and like doing, than there is time to do it in.

Ted K.

Posted by: Ted K at December 18, 2003 09:06 AM (bUIG8)

2 one each of the following motorcycles; a garage big enough for 'em all; $ enough to keep 'em all insured, gassed & tired; and time enough to put at least an average of 5000 miles per year on each (in addition to the combined 30K or so I put on the KLR650 and ST1100 each year):

Suzuki SV650
Moto Guzzi V11 Sport
Aprilia Tuono
Yamaha FZ6
BMW K12 RS
Honda ST1300

Posted by: chris hall at December 18, 2003 10:07 AM (zH1Gw)

3 To win the lottery - and then spend/donate it like Dave Tepper suggests. I can learn to deal with $300,000 per year.

Failing that, that whole face on the side of every water tower sounds pretty cool.

Heh.

Posted by: margi at December 18, 2003 11:58 PM (4jrV0)

4 I want Paris Hilton's trust fund and I want to buy my company so I can fire all the assholes and make the place into a respectable enterprise. Then I want to hire folks who are particularly talented at oral sex and keep them chained under my desk all day.

Posted by: Dawn at December 19, 2003 12:29 AM (0zfIx)

5 Enough money on a yearly basis that I would not have to work on anything I dont want to, that I could study whatever I want, whenever I want, and to fund and skipper and entry in every America's Cup.

Posted by: StMack at December 19, 2003 08:53 AM (UquFN)

6 A 1000 year supply of anti-aging treatments, my own Vertical Take-off and Landing aircraft (such as this one), and my own spacecraft.

Posted by: Ken at December 19, 2003 02:35 PM (ZN8x7)

7 Peace on Earth and good will toward men.

Nah, I'm joking. I want enough money to quit working, live comfortably, and pay off vet bills. Dang rats can get expensive.

Posted by: Victor at December 19, 2003 03:30 PM (L3qPK)

8 My own universe.

A small one would do.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at December 20, 2003 12:46 PM (jtW2s)

9 300+ acres of land and a nice, modest little house smack-dab in the middle of it. And a decent-size art studio I can keep stocked with my favorite supplies, for whenever the mood strikes me. And a well-made greenhouse I can keep predatory plants and orchids and bromeliads in, along with a nice garden full of all my favorite plants. And a vintage blue British police box I can keep my gardening tools in.

But I'll settle for having all our debts paid off so we don't have to worry about them...

--TwoDragons

Posted by: Denita TwoDragons at December 21, 2003 01:17 AM (LlHvv)

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Yes, I am a fan. I like Alton Brown. Thanks to Josh for the link to the Alton Brown fan page. Be sure to check out the satire of Alton Brown on Iron Chef! (look on the left side of the page for the link)

If nothing else, watch because he's got his own drinking game.

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist this:

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

Posted by: Ted at 06:06 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I want one of these...

It didn't take long, and just in time for the holidays, the "Captured Saddam," action figure, presumably fresh out of an imaginary spider-hole, has been rushed to store shelves.

"We still mold and hand paint each and every action figure right here in the Good Old USA," says Herobuilders.com. Check out their page, it's pretty in-your-face funny.

Among their offerings are a couple of Saddam dolls, two Uday versions (I like the DOA doll), and of course everyone's favorite: Baghdad Bob. For European customers, the company features a Tony Blair "Talking British Ally" model, Gerhard Schroeder in camouflage, and French President Jacque Chirac, whom it calls "le Worm" in a flouncy French maid's outfit.

Well, maybe that last one isn't for the Euro market.

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I wonder if OSHA has guidelines for this? more...

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