Over at Transterrestrial Musings, Rand Simberg wonders...

Six Weeks More War, Or Is It Over?

When they pulled Saddam out of his hole, did he see his shadow?

Posted by: Ted at 10:11 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Back before it got so crowded. more...

Posted by: Ted at 06:02 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

(We take you now to the Oval Office.) more...

Posted by: Ted at 05:17 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Kevin wants everyone to make up their own wild conspiracy story about Saddam's capture and link to his post here.

Just think, this is your chance to profoundly influence moonbat thinking. So get busy, get creative, and get digging!

It's obvious that the Russians handed over Saddam to the US as part of the deal to cover Halliburton's overcharging for gas by allowing the Russians to build their pipeline instead of the Turks.

Posted by: Ted at 08:21 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Not work safe, not kid safe, but funny and cute.
Download and click to run it. And don't worry, nothing installs.

Download Snowman (400kb)

Ho.

Posted by: Ted at 09:27 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Today our hometown Dale City Cowboys won the Pop Warner Midget Division I Super Bowl - 2003.

Get some, 'Boys!

Posted by: Ted at 07:22 PM | category: Square Pegs
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At least they admit it's a useless test (click on the pig).

Thanks to Pixy and Susie, today's intrepid Lewis & Clark of quiz-takers everywhere.

Posted by: Ted at 07:56 AM | category: Square Pegs
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For kids whose parents you really hate, here's a list of truly evil presents. This list was compiled will careful thought and malice over many years. Also, because toys come and go, not all of these are available any more, but are always worth picking up as a 'just because mommy or daddy pissed me off gift' if you find one in a yard sale.

1. Without a doubt, the best gift to give is the legendary Ant Farm. It comes with a coupon that you mail in and they send you the live ants. Of course the parents aren't going to do that, so save them the time and trouble (and a stamp!) and send it in for them ahead of time. You want to give little Johnny or Jenny a working farm, chock full of crawly little critters.

2. The classics are always simple things. And what could be simpler than Finger Paints? They're a whole mess of fun! Be sure to include a pad of big sheets of paper, and then sit down with the kids and use up 90% of the paper right there getting 'em hooked. This forces mommy and daddy to get more paper or - even better - run out and have the little Picassos decorating the house. If mommy and daddy take 'em away, be sure to ask the kids how they like them so the guilt trip can begin.

3. Related to Finger Paints is another classic, the Spin Art set. So perfectly designed that almost no mess is made under adult supervision, the trick here is to let kids be kids, and they'll manage it all on their own. A nice little mini-spin art kit makes a wonderful pocket stuffer too!

4. Every kid wants an Airbrush. Just not one this crappy! The cheaper the better because it makes a bigger mess. You could also include a custom hot rod magazine, and point out that all the bitchin' flames and pinstriping was done with the same type of equipment. Couldn't mom's minivan use a touch of cool?

5. Suntan Barbie, aka Malibu Barbie. When first introduced, the 'tan' was a thin rubberized spray-on coating which was so sticky that it made it almost impossible to dress and undress the doll. If you do manage to find one of these evil classics, make sure you get the little angel plenty of extra outfits to put on and take off. Mommy and daddy will love you for it.

6. The Fisher-Price Corn Popper has been driving parents up the wall since 1957. There's something to be said about tradition.

7. Barney Bongo's. These are truly inspired by Satan. Each time the kid hits a bongo, it plays the next note of the Barney song! In approximately three days, mommy and daddy will want to put a contract out on you. "They hate you. You're no friend. Ba-by sings that song again..."

8. If you know the kid is a slob, and mommy and daddy are too, then you can't go wrong with Jacks. A good set is ten metal caltrops, perfect for perforating bare feet, and a rubber ball or two to slip on. Cheap too, so go ahead and double up on the fun. Like they say: give until it hurts.

9. When people call it a thoughtful gift, they usually mean it in a good way. What a crock. If the tyke is a little older, then think inexpensive color printer. While you're being congratulated for giving an educational present, just remember that the average color cartridge prints about twelve pages and costs forty bucks. Mom and dad will need a second mortgage to keep up with junior's four-color jones, especially if you also throw in a CD label maker.

Ho.

Posted by: Ted at 08:33 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 It's a shame there aren't gifts that will annoy just one parent (namely, the idiot father).

Posted by: Victor at December 11, 2003 10:23 AM (16A49)

2 After three years of hearing constantly what a perfect and superior child my nephew was, I gave him a drum set.
He suddenly became a perfect and superior pain in the tush to his parents

Posted by: LeeAnn at December 11, 2003 01:53 PM (HxCeX)

3 BTW, the 'idiot father' I referred to was *not* anyone in the blogosphere (as far as I know he's not blogging). Really.

Posted by: Victor at December 11, 2003 03:04 PM (16A49)

4 I dunno, all I was plannin' to give to kids this year was loaded Saturday Night Specials and then sendin' them outside to play Cops and Robbers. Talk about an educational toy . . .

Posted by: Tiger at December 11, 2003 09:11 PM (c/vSw)

5 I think I should be on the list of things to give to little boys. "Irritating and scaring boys' parents since 1974" has a catchy little ring to it, and it's accurate!

Posted by: Dawn at December 13, 2003 09:20 PM (0zfIx)

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Hello {insert name of nitwit here},

We are conducting a survey, among those who utilize email, usenet groups, and other online systems in an attempt to make money through multi-level marketing schemes, sales of "get rich quick" publications, etc.

Please take a few moments to complete the following multiple-choice survey. Your help is genuinely appreciated, and will greatly assist our project.

1. Are you aware that you're a complete and utter idiot?

_ No, I honestly had no clue.
_ Yes, I admit it - I'm a completely clueless wanker.

2. Do you really think you're the first clueless twit who thinks they've discovered a way to make money by spamming about a REVOLUTIONARY NEW CONCEPT IN INTERNET MARKETING?

_ Gosh - yes, I really thought it was something no one had thought of before.
_ No, I realize others have tried before, but in my pathetic stupidity I truly believed that I could make money where no one else had succeeded before.

3. Are you supremely confident in your ability to avoid the life-long designation as a "pathetic loser", now that you've joined the ranks of half-witted, mentally defective drool-tards who conduct this sort of activity over the internet?

_ Yes, I truly believe I'm different from all the other retards like me.
_ No, I see what you mean - I now realize that I'm destined to be known forever as the blathering, drooling, defective pants-wetter that I am.

Thanks for taking a few moments to complete our survey. Please forward to 5 people on your mailing list, and request that they each forward it on to 5 others each, etc. etc.

(c)2003, everyone on the internet. Distribute freely without charge.

Thanks to BB on the rockets newsgroup for this one!

Posted by: Ted at 06:48 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Kevin at Wizbang has created and is hosting the Weblog Awards. There are many categories and this gives you a chance to heap some recognition on your favorite blogs.

Thanks to Susie, I found out that some misguided soul nominated Rocket Jones in the most likely to get the chair Best Marauding Marsupial category. Thanks!

Posted by: Ted at 06:50 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Did you hear about the new Chinese/German restaraunt?

The food's great, but an hour after you eat, you're hungry for power.

Posted by: Ted at 08:05 AM | category: Square Pegs
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A long time ago, in Dragon magazine, there was an article about role playing games that left a huge impression on me. In it, the author talked about a team of adventurers who were exploring a dungeon (what else), and at one point they were confronted by a Balrog.

I just realized how simple LOTR has made this explanation for me, because now you all know what a Balrog is, and just how formidable it can be.

Anyways, the author tells how the Dungeon Master controlling the game built the scenario up with words, and each player had to envision the action in their heads, and at the end they barely managed to defeat the demon by the flukiest once-in-a-thousand longshot magic spell.

He went on to tell about another game played later, this time using little lead miniature men and monsters and graph paper maps and such. At the climactic point of the adventure, the Dungeon Master ominously announced "Your path is blocked by a Balrog". Then he placed a two-inch tall painted figure on the map.

And that Balrog didn't seem nearly the obstacle that the first one was, and the team beat it. They had won the game, but that first group had had an adventure!

Some of you may remember Zork, the classic text adventure by Infocom. If you remember it well, you understood the title of this post right away. For those that don't, Zork was the best known of text adventure games, where all information was presented to you in story format, and you interacted by typing in words and short phrases as commands. For instance:

"You are on a forest path."

SOUTH

"You see a house."

EXAMINE HOUSE

"It's a small one-story house painted yellow. There is a window on this side."

OPEN WINDOW

"Opened."

...and so on. The idea was to figure out what was going on, and then complete the objective (not always obvious), usually by poking around and exploring things and solving problems. Some of these problems were devilishly tricky! In one early game (not Zork) the scenario was that you were on a submerged submarine, working inside an airlock, when a traitor among the crew used poison gas to kill everyone. It was just you and the traitor (or traitors), and you were stuck in an airlock. First step was figuring out how to get to an oxygen mask. Then it got really tough.

The key to all of these games was that you had to use your imagination to build on the vivid descriptions of the landscape and action, just like in a book. Much different from the graphic-intensive games of today. And in my mind, this was a strength, because more thought and creativity went into the story itself, and not the glitz and glamour of the graphics and user interface.

One interesting review of these games, written by someone too young to play them when they originally came out, was that because they were text based (and old), they were small, which made them perfect to play on a Palm or other PDA. Hmmmm... now there's a thought!

I'll be digging around a little bit and I'll post updates as I find out more. I owned a lot of Infocom adventures in various formats for various machines, and I'd like to find compatable copies again. They're that good.

Posted by: Ted at 08:57 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Musical instruments I wish I could play:

1. Bagpipes
2. Steel Drum
3. Steel Guitar
4. Xylophone
5. Fiddle (not violin, I mean fiddle!)

Didja know that for a little more than a hundred dollars ($US - I keep forgetting Munuviana is international), you can get a chanter, which is what pipers practice with?

Och, and if that don't blow a warm breeze up yer kilts mon, I dinna ken what woot!

Posted by: Ted at 06:54 AM | category: Square Pegs
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At work, there's a carton of egg nog in the refrigerator. That's normal, the holiday season is upon us.

The expiration date on the carton is December 28th. It's way in the back where it stays coldest.

Due to the massive turnover of the last year, I may be the last person left in the section who knows that it's December 28, 2002.

I have dark fantasies.

Posted by: Ted at 06:19 AM | category: Square Pegs
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When I left work today, there was the lightest flurries whirling around. By eight o'clock, we had huge fluffy Dr. Suessian flakes falling outside. It looks like about 2" so far, and we're projected for up to 5". The big storm is supposed to kick in tomorrow evening, when the nor'easter gets going down in the Carolinas. I love a pretty snowfall.

Posted by: Ted at 11:02 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Oldest daughter Robyn is coming home this weekend from college for Christmas break, sharing a ride with three other young ladies who also live in this general area. Naturally, theyÂ’re driving right into the teeth of what has the potential to become the first norÂ’easter of the season. At best itÂ’ll be messy, especially as they come through the mountains in Pennsylvania.

I donÂ’t have a lot of gray in my hair. We came to an agreement long ago, my hair and I: rather than go gray, it just falls out.

Posted by: Ted at 07:27 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Kim DuToit is stirring it up again, but this time I don't understand the argument.

Frank Sinatra vs Harry Connick Jr.

Style vs substance.

I like apples and I like oranges.

Posted by: Ted at 06:14 AM | category: Square Pegs
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"There's a set of rules that anything that was in the world when you were born is normal and natural. Anything invented between when you were 15 and 35 is new and revolutionary and exciting, and you'll probably get a career in it. Anything invented after you're 35 is against the natural order of things."

-- Douglas Adams

I saw this in The Salmon of Doubt (recommended by fellow Munuvian Daniel too), and found on the net at the lovingly constructed farewell page by the UCLA Astrobiology Society (which is entirely apropos when you think about it).

Posted by: Ted at 09:58 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I've never been in a fantasy hockey league before this season, and knew absolutely nothing about it. It took me a couple of weeks to figure out what was going on, and despite myself I'm doing ok so far. Here's some things I've observed, which may or may not mean squat.

1. Luck plays a big part in success. You can do a lot to help yourself during the season, but luck or the lack of it will make or break your season. Players doing unexpectedly well, avoiding injuries, hot teams and more will all factor in.

2. The draft is critical (sometimes). Our league used an automatic draft, where team order was randomly determined just prior to the draft, and then players were assigned by offensive rank and position. So first the centers were doled out, then left wingers and so on. We were given the chance to 'customize' the draft order for our teams, but I decided to trust the automatic method. So far, it's worked out great for me (see 1 above).

3. Goaltending, goaltending, goaltending. You need two solid starters, and two stars would be better. Five of the top six teams in our league lead with goaltending, and the other is reminiscent of the old Pittsburg Penguins, ignoring defense and winning games 5-4 all season long. Once again, I got lucky here, picking up the hottest goalie of the season, Numinem of Atlanta. My second goalie is Esche of Philly, which is good because he wins almost every time he plays, but he's being platooned so he only plays around half the games. My original third goalie was Broduer's backup in New Jersey. I got rid of him quickly because Martin Broduer plays more games each season than any other goalie.

4. Go with your strengths. Early on I noticed that I was getting big points every week because my team made a lot of shots on goal (not every league awards points for this). I began waiving and drafting players with that stat in mind. Given two available players of roughly equal stats, I'd take the one who took more shots. You can't score if you don't shoot, right? This strategy has paid off in that my team has the second-most number of shots, and my players tend to score plenty of goals, assists and game winning goals.

The main weakness of my team is the plus/minus stat. Basically, if you're on the ice when your team scores, that's a plus one. If the other team scores while you're on the ice, then that's a negative one. An overall negative stat generally means that the opposing team has an easier time scoring while you're on the ice. Positive stats mean just the opposite. Players from the powerhouse teams like Detroit, Ottowa and St. Louis are generally going to have more plus players, although each has one or two guys who are really down there on the minus side. Again, I tend to give more weight to this stat than most because I'm trying to improve it. Once the season starts, you can do that only incrementally, because you'll seldom find more than marginal players on waivers.

5. Trades. If everyone in your league is just standing pat with their team or only dropping and picking up players via waivers, then basically the season becomes a lottery. Whoever had the best computer-generated draft is going to win. That's no fun at all. The league I'm in has had a few trades, but not many. I've made two out of a dozen or so that I've proposed or been offered.

I just made a trade that I knew would either make me look like a genius or an idiot at the end of the season. Early returns are for idiot. I traded offensive-minded Miroslav Satan (is that a great name or what?) and another player for two players who had great plus/minus numbers and slightly less production on offense. Once again I was trying to improve the most glaring weakness of my team without screwing up my other stats too badly. Unfortunately, one of the players I got in return was injured the day of the trade and is out indefinitely, so I shot myself in the foot there. So it goes.

I figure I spend about 20 minutes a day on average looking at scores and such, and it's been fun and added a lot to my enjoyment of this hockey season. If you're a hockey fan it's worth looking into for next season.

Posted by: Ted at 07:36 AM | category: Square Pegs
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The top 15 Slogans for Legalized Marijuana

15) Got Buzz?
14) Pot: When you care Enough Not to Care At All.
13) A Day Without Pot is like School
12) Weed My Lips!
11) Hemp: the World's Practical Solution to making, like, paper and rope and necklaces and stuff.
10) It's Not Just For Glaucoma anymore!
9) Help eradicate Road Rage in our Lifetime
Official Sponsor of the NBA
7) Because the waste is a terrible thing to min....Dude! I totally fucked that up!!
6) When Was the Last Time You REALLY looked at your hand.
5) SMOKE POT! ( Did We Just Say That Out Loud? Or Did We Just Think It?)
4) Recommended by 5 out of 5 deadheads
3) Just Doob It
2) It's the all-the-time smokey, skunky, sticky, greeny, seedy, stemmy, doobie so-you-can-get-high medicine.

And the Number 1 Slogan for Legalized Marijuana.....

1) Skull shaped bong: $12.00, Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $100, Watching Teletubbies with your Buddies: PRICELESS

UPDATE: It has been pointed out that this list is in fact copyrighted from Topfive. I went to the site and looked and it is indeed, although their are minor differences. Go visit their site and enjoy their humor, but don't steal it and email it to all your friends like some nitwit did to me. Here's hoping that this link will make things right. Thanks to Brian J. for pointing this out.

Posted by: Ted at 07:12 AM | category: Square Pegs
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