Starhawk over at Freedom Lives posted a picture of his beautiful Arizona rose which, incredibly enough, is blooming right now.

I've already pruned back my roses and put them to bed for the winter, but in the extended entry is a shot of the first bloom we had this past spring. Enjoy. more...

Posted by: Ted at 12:22 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Take these few simple tests for yourself. more...

Posted by: Ted at 08:37 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I'm sitting here watching the hockey game in my brand new flannel jammie pants. My wife made them for me today, and she's going to attempt a scrubs-style top this weekend.

Nothing more comfortable, so eat your heart out. Nya Nya.

Posted by: Ted at 08:14 PM | category: Square Pegs
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"We like to hunt and golf on our days off,
scratch and spit and cuss.
And no matter what line we hand you when we come draggin' in,
We ain't wrong, we ain't sorry,
and it's probably gonna happen again."

-- Tracy Byrd, The Truth About Men

Posted by: Ted at 10:40 AM | category: Square Pegs
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There's nothing better than the whole family getting together for Thanksgiving. more...

Posted by: Ted at 10:39 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Chipotle.

I've come to hate that word. It's a roasted jalepeno pepper, fer pete's sake. But yuppiedom has taken that word and made it the 'in' thing, like they did to 'fajita'. Remember when every-freakin-thing was fajita-this and fajita-that?

Paradigm. Habenero. Meme.

People make me pro-nuclear.

Posted by: Ted at 12:15 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 98% of those chipolte weiners would run screraming like scared little girls if they tasted a real pepper.

Posted by: StMack at November 23, 2003 10:04 AM (CSxVi)

2 Sad but true, which is a real shame because I love using chipotle powder in my cooking.
Same with habaneros, too...
Hubby and I aren't chipotle weenies, though--trust me. Even our 14-month-old son loves five-alarm chili!

--TwoDragons

Posted by: Denita TwoDragons at November 23, 2003 03:40 PM (ped5z)

3 Mmmm. I eat roasted jalapenos right out of the jar, but I've never heard/seen the word "chipolte."

Posted by: Tuning Spork at November 23, 2003 04:00 PM (23zyC)

4 I used "meme" in a recent post.
Please don't ban me.

Posted by: LeeAnn at November 24, 2003 09:42 AM (HxCeX)

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As I was cooking dinner, a mouse ran out of the pantry and under the dishwasher. They move in every winter. *sigh* Gotta set some traps out.

Posted by: Ted at 07:42 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Here's a pre-release review of the new DVD about the Clinton presidency. I figured that since the gift giving season is upon us, someone might find it useful. more...

Posted by: Ted at 07:34 AM | category: Square Pegs
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An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops - in shock.

"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the 'Jewish Journal'!"

The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel - all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news."

His friend gasps, "WHAT good news could possibly be in that paper???"

"Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood -- see? It's all good news!"

Posted by: Ted at 07:14 AM | category: Square Pegs
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It's been a terrible week at work. I can handle being busy, but it's the stupidity that drives me up a wall. Blog-wise my job and workplace are what they call a 'target rich environment' but I don't talk about it because most of the frustration derives from training and forethought, or rather, the extreme lack of both. I mean, Custer's soldiers probably weren't incompetent, although you couldn't tell from the end result.

So I'm very happy because it's finally friday! And to celebrate:

Good reasons why you should go to work naked.

13. No one ever steals your chair.

12. Toner ink is really hard to get off of your blouse.

11. Much quicker to get that picture of your ass, boobs or balls on the photocopier without being seen.
Bonus: No one will do it right after you and you will have an exclusive.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they realize that you have no pockets, yet manage to keep your pen with you all day long.

7. So that -with a little help from Muzak- you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy guys in in the computer room from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
Special Bonus: No Tan Lines

And, by far the number one compelling reason to go to work butt naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

Posted by: Ted at 06:12 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Brings a whole new meaning to 'stain stick'... more...

Posted by: Ted at 03:03 PM | category: Square Pegs
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"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
-- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
-- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
-- Patricia Arquette

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
-- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

(On the difference between men and women
"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
--Bruce Willis

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people, don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people, don't blame everything on Satan."
-- George Burns

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'"
-- Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld)

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
-- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
-- Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
-- Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Posted by: Ted at 06:45 AM | category: Square Pegs
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You wanted to say it...

Michael Jackson is negotiating with authorities on how to turn himself in.

Betcha he wants to go to Juvenile Hall.

Posted by: Ted at 07:16 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Mookie and I went to the library last night. I had a list of books that I wanted to look for, some suggested by fellow bloggers. Megan talked about the newest book by Lemony Snicket. No luck, big waiting list. Someone, I forget who, talked about the Illuminatus! Trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson. Nope, checked out. The DaVinci Code? Longer wait than for Snickett.

I wound up with the dregs from Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt, which was apparently pieced together from his computer files after his death along with some previously published non-Hitchhiker work. I also picked up another Patrick O'Brien novel. Thanks Norbi for that suggestion (I think that was yours, right?), and for those who don't know, this series is the inspiration for the movie Master and Commander.

I'm going to wind up buying most of these I guess, although the last thing I need is more books. More bookshelves now, those I could use.

Posted by: Ted at 07:38 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Husband's note to his wife:

"Doctor's office called... Said Pabst beer is normal."

Posted by: Ted at 07:01 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I have no idea as to whether this actually happened as related here, but it's funny as hell, so enjoy! more...

Posted by: Ted at 08:13 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
11. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
12. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M and your Avon rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2003."
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
21. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. You AND your dog have therapists.

Posted by: Ted at 08:46 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Fun song, by Fountains of Wayne.

And I'd like to apologize to Rob, a good friend growing up, for having the serious hots for your mom back then.

Posted by: Ted at 07:25 AM | category: Square Pegs
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David Letterman Top-10 style... more...

Posted by: Ted at 06:01 AM | category: Square Pegs
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NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor. more...

Posted by: Ted at 05:49 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 LOL Ted!!!! I love it! I need copies for my brothers-in-law....(I have 7 nieces...)

Posted by: Susie at November 15, 2003 09:47 AM (0+cMc)

2 Well dad, nothing like making the process of dating even more agonizing. =D

Posted by: Mookie at November 15, 2003 10:14 AM (2sKfR)

3 Any way you could, um, waive some of those requirements for a fellow Munuvian?

Posted by: Tim at November 15, 2003 12:43 PM (LzKRr)

4 That was brilliant. Lol

Posted by: tasberry at November 15, 2003 04:07 PM (Wm57U)

5 I'd fill that out, but it'd be rejected as soon as you looked at "Date of Birth."

Posted by: Victor at November 15, 2003 05:50 PM (16A49)

6 Oh man, that's a good'un! LMFAO

Of course, when I was growing up, it was my MOTHER prospective boyfriends had to worry about...

--TwoDragons

Posted by: TwoDragons at November 15, 2003 08:38 PM (+D5yV)

7 ROFL!! It;'s funny cuz it's true.
I'm sending this to all my friends with daughters (and/or neices)! Actually I think I'll send it to my nephew as well..

Posted by: Tuning Spork at November 16, 2003 12:57 AM (W7o/t)

8 omg! this is so funny i showed my mom and she started bustin out laughin! LOL but i thoguth i should give this to my dad and let him really use it ! i think i would scare the crap outta my bf ! he he ! great jod! im lmao!

Posted by: *~lilcutie~* at January 17, 2004 11:00 PM (02P/R)

9 Biggest load of discrimination I've seen today.

Posted by: Bob at February 09, 2004 05:50 PM (kCEFB)

10 I am so going to need this in ~20 years' time... Good one!

I'm going to poke around the rest of your archives now - if this is a sample it should be good fun. :-)

Posted by: Dominic at May 11, 2004 05:51 PM (evDgD)

11 omg this is sooooo funny my teacher read this to me and i had to show my dad. both my dad and mom were laughing. i love this it is soo funny

Posted by: Sara at November 01, 2004 09:54 PM (qtwGG)

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