September 07, 2003
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that ?
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September 05, 2003
Bill of Bloviating Inanities just recently had a birthday, so I thought IÂ’d borrow JenÂ’s concept and do the same thing for him. Instead of a walker or Grecian Formula for Men or Geritol, I present to you, my friend:
Born in the mists of antiquity, no one is really sure exactly when he arrived. Probably sometime after the Big Bang, since Bill has a strange fascination with Stephen Hawking.
(By the way, the authorities have asked that you do not contact Professor Hawking with questions from or about Bill. Something about a restraining order.)
There is a persistant rumor that he was found and raised by a circus family, but they vehemently deny it (donÂ’t bother asking either; another restraining order).
This is believed to be the earliest home movie with little Billy in them.
There are no existing pictures of Bill actually attending school, which lends credence to the claim that heÂ’s unteachable. An extensive check of school records turns up no direct references, but anecdotal evidence doesnÂ’t rule out his attendance either.
Once past school age, Bill met the lady of his dreams, and after weeks of begging sweeping her off of her feet, she agreed to go out on a date with him. The rest, as they say, was magic.
But the good times soon passed. Unlike this Bill, our Bill has done nothing of note beyond being mentioned in numerous police blotters. But it wasnÂ’t for lack of effort!
He's tried his hand at various artistic pursuits, including writing, sculpture, architecture, and even fashion design. To be honest, the world just doesnÂ’t get Bill.
Still, he toils on, misunderstood and defiantly disgusting. Part of his charm problem seems to be that he suffers an abnormal number of odd medical problems (too many to link, just go through his archives).
It's not that easy bein' green.
- - Kermit the Frog, referring to BillÂ’s gouty toe
HereÂ’s what Bill has to say about himself:
“People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.”
Oh wait. That was Jerry Lewis. Sorry, I get them confused.
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LeeAnn, when you blogroll moi, you'll need a new category. I suggest 'mouldy bleu'.
And since I mentioned it, the Link Roster is in serious disarray. I'm working on it, ok?
Also on the right, there is a new tagline up, and whattayaknow? Another new category called (ta-dahhhh) 'Tagline Archive'. Boy howdy, things are getting so much easier as I get away from Blog*spot and Geocities.
I'm still slowly but surely moving most of my archived stuff over to Mu.Nu. Emphasis on the 'slowly'.
All the cool people have birthdays in September. You don't? Well, we know why.
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"I think I mentioned to Bob I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie."
And you ladies claim we don't spend enough time on foreplay.
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Now he's released a statement about the quotes, claiming that they were taken out of context. His statement says all the right things.
"I am an American. I love my country and have great hopes for it," Depp said in a statement released by his Los Angeles-based publicist. "It is for this reason that I speak candidly and sometimes critically about it. I have benefited greatly from the freedom that exists in my country and for this I am eternally grateful."
and...
Explaining his comments a day later, Depp he had been using a metaphor that was taken "radically out of context," adding, "There was no anti-American sentiment."
"What I was saying was that, compared to Europe, America is a very young country and we are still growing as a nation," he said. "My deepest apologies to those who were offended, affected, or hurt by this insanely twisted deformation of my words and intent."
In this case, I'm tending to give him the benefit of the doubt. I understand that he's said some stupid things in the past (understatement), but in this case, it seems that everyone is willing to believe that the German media reported his remarks accurately. I can easily believe that they did a little selective reporting and editing to make this look exactly the way they wanted.
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September 03, 2003
Ick. I canÂ’t help but think that rain-detail would be the heavenly equivalent of jury-duty.
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August 31, 2003
I amused myself by attempting to calculate something I call the Disney Critical Number: the maximum number of steps between two opportunities to buy something. The biggest DCN I got was 48, in the MetLife pavilion. My stride is a little under 3 feet.
Let the kids enjoy it, and you can marvel at it for what it is: an amazingly efficient machine designed to separate you from your money. Every place where there's a chair, someone has calculated the average amount of time you'll spend sitting on it. Everything you see, they know how long you'll look at it and what you're likely to do next. It is social engineering on a grand scale, and can be appreciated as such.
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In response to the bombing, a highly respected Shiite cleric suspended his membership in the U.S.-chosen Iraqi interim Governing Council, citing a lack of security.
Mohammed Bahr al-Uloum, in exile in London until Saddam's ouster, said Saturday that his return to the council depended on the U.S.-led coalition's handing security matters to Iraqis, so that Muslim shrines could be under Islamic protection.
He's absolutely right about this too. We're training an Iraqi militia and police force, who need to take over security of the holy sites. The problem is already recognized and being addressed, it just takes time.
After this terrible incident, thousands of pissed off Iraqi citizens march and complain that the US isn't providing enough security. We're not hearing about the US being anti-Islam, nor are the Iraquis saying the US should pull out and go home. They are behaving exactly like citizens in the US do, they complain about the lack of police protection. I don't care what anyone says, we are winning in Iraq.
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August 30, 2003
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I asked her if she'd like to watch a movie later, one of those flicks that mom hates, and she asked if we could watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Gotta love that kid!
She's upstairs now, working on the last of her summer homework. Man, I can't believe the amount of stuff she had to do this year. Read and annotate All Quiet on the Western Front, plus an assignment for her history class that ended up being 40 double-sided pages about world events, including maps and diagrams. Her class schedule arrived in the mail yesterday; this year (sophomore) she's taking Algebra II, Chemistry, Government, English, Speech and Drama, Theater Production, and PE/Health/Drivers Ed (oh joy).
Break over - dryer's buzzing. Almost done, there's a lot less laundry now that Robyn is gone away to school.
* The main track I wanted Mookie to hear was Ray Stevens' version of Misty. I love the original done by Johnny Mathis (?), but Stevens won a grammy with his toe-tapping arraingement, and it's one of those that makes you wonder why nobody ever did it like that before.
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August 29, 2003
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Chaos reigns within
Reflect, repent, and reboot
Order shall return
Add in a good roundhouse kick to Bill Gates, and the world will be in balance.
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07:40 AM | category: Square Pegs
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A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Now that I've annoyed my cherished female visitors, on to the PSA...
Give blood. There is never enough blood on hand for emergencies, but they're desperate for donations right now. Our local blood bank has just 30 units of Type O in stock, and they average 400 units a day to local hospitals. Critical shortage. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't take that long either, so please help.
Do I practice what I preach? I used to. The American Red Cross has deemed me an unsuitable doner because I spent time in Europe during the mad cow crisis (see, there was a tie-in there). A significant percentage of doners in this area have been disqualified, which contributes to the ongoing shortage.
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August 27, 2003
This is the crap that Michele dealt with over at 'a small victory'. She pointed out two wildly different versions of the same story, one posted by Newsday, the other by Indymedia. She points out that the IM version seems to be lacking in credibility, not only because of the source and itÂ’s obvious bias, but because of the lack of facts.
And as one commenter pointed out, she handled it as an adult, which meant that he could indulge in name-calling.
Hey, itÂ’s only fair, right? I mean, they started it.
I think this is what bothers me the most about politics today. You have a great mass of people who are so politically correct that they cannot call a shovel a spade, but off to either side are groups who must label everyone who doesnÂ’t agree with them with the most vile and juvenile terms they can come up with, and they happily revel in the slime. But at it's root it's the same problem, the true message is less clear because of intentional distortion.
Zionazi. Jewpropagandist.
HereÂ’s two more:
Paleosimian. Colon Bowel.
Yep, both sides do it.
Hyperbole? Humor? Venting? Maybe, but there are others out there who use the same terminology, only they hate. IÂ’m talking about that mad, incoherent, unthinking, genocide-is-possible, room-for-nothing-else hatred. They hate and they use words like that because it demeans and dehumanizes and belittles the object of their hate.
There are a few popular blogs that I don’t read because I don’t like the general attitude. A friend called it mean-spirited, and that’s as good a term for it as any. I’m not slamming personal style, because it’s exactly that – personal. I just don’t read them, and I probably miss out on some good stuff too. But at the same time, if you spend that much time calling someone clever names, your audience may miss the meaning of the message you’re trying to put across.
And isnÂ’t conveying your message the whole point?
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August 25, 2003
Frank Zappa said it best, "Just make sure you do it right the first time, 'cause nothings worse than a suicide chump." This woman is a suicide chump. If you really want to kill yourself, it's just not that hard. It sounds unfeeling, but I'm tired of 'Iamgoingtokillmyself(pleasesomebodystopme)'.
We've got sedums planted in the front yard along the picket fence, and right now they're covered with thousands of tiny pink blooms. I love to sit outside and just watch the activity around the flowerbeds. It's like the worlds busiest airport in miniature. You see bees of all types, mayflies and other insects too numerous to count buzzing in and out and around. Look close enough and you'll notice at least a half dozen spiders spinning their webs in strategic places. And butterflies. Butterflies love the sedums. And early in the morning, you can catch the toads out sunning themselves before it gets too hot and they retreat back into the darkest corners of the bed.
I didn't put this in my launch report, but something pretty cool happened while I was retrieving the rocket that landed behind the barn silo. I was walking along a dirt road skirting the meadow, and suddenly I was engulfed in a cloud of butterflies. There must have been close to a hundred of them. Painted Lady's, sulpher-somethings (the ones with white wings), and some small metallic blue ones. My first thought was that it was like being in a Disney movie. Happened again as I walked back through the same area after fetching my rocket. You've got to enjoy the little things.
I want to die on my one hundredth birthday. Shot dead. In bed. By a jealous husband.
I believe in planning ahead, so I need a date for early September, 2059. Any takers?
The Doobie Brothers' Jesus Is Just Alright is kickass driving music. Locomotive Breath by Jethro Tull is another great one. What makes you crank it up while driving?
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August 23, 2003
A blonde lady is speeding down a highway, and gets pulled over by a blonde cop. He asks her for her license and registration, and as she's digging through her purse, her compact comes open and she see's her reflection in the mirror. Thinking it's her license, she hands the open compact to the cop. He looks into it and says, "If I'd have known you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
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August 22, 2003
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August 19, 2003
Dr. Suess probably made a fortune on the side writing porn.
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Thanks to American ingenuity, we've managed to invent what no one thought possible: the 12,000 calorie salad.
Ground beef, beans, guacamole, sour cream, cheese, and - if there's any room left - a few shreds of lettuce.
You might ask, "is it healthy?" Yes it is. Because it's a salad.
Good stuff.
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