Spring has sprung,
Fall has fell,
It's the end of September,
And wetter than usual.

with apologies to Nipsy Russell.

Posted by: Ted at 07:36 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Nic posted her favorite joke. Hey Victor, how can you not love that? That's funny!

Since it's apparently going around, I'll toss in my contribution.

What's green and sits in your backyard?

Paddy O'Furniture.

Posted by: Ted at 11:54 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I'm not a fair-weather fan, but last night my beloved Oakland Raiders looked like an old team a year past their prime. They're going to win some games, and possibly even make the playoffs, but it's going to be a roller-coaster ride this year.

Posted by: Ted at 07:10 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for a very good reason, the dog house.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the heck he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole darn works and buy new furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers, but not with his head on a pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident", even if it's true.

Posted by: Ted at 05:16 PM | category: Square Pegs
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A neighbor called this evening, letting us know that some friend of hers had called and said our water wasn't safe after the storm. It was during dinner, so my wife said she'd look for some info on the internet and let her know what was up.

Turns out that certain areas of our county get their water from Fairfax county, where they lost power at the water treatment plants. The notice warning us about the potential for unsafe water was buried on the county website. They tried real hard to spread the word. (sarcasm ff)

We're ok, because the morning of the storm we filled the dogs water with fresh, and we stockpiled quite a bit of water for drinking and cooking. Since it was there, that's what we've been using instead of tapwater. No real reason, just because.

If my neighbors turn into zombies from drinking mutant water, do I have to actually let them enter the house before I shoot them in the head?

Posted by: Ted at 11:21 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Taking a break... Mookie and mom went to work today, so I'm handling the cleanup by myself. It's not that bad. I just finished raking the backyard of all the sticks and leaves, and then swept the patio and walks. Now all that's left is putting things back where they belong, like flower pots and bird feeders. Found quite a few frogs, and managed to steer two into the raised flower bed before the dogs discovered them. It's fun watching the dogs find little creatures, because they've never hurt one yet, but man do they act fierce. And once the beastie gets away through the fence, then they come over for lovin' since I owe them my life. Funny as hell.

Seriously though, Sam our oldest dog (Skye terrier), will place himself between anything like that and my wife, and will not let it pass. He's getting up there in age, but acts like a youngster again when it comes to protecting the wife. He's a damn good dog.

We may have a casualty from the storm. Last night I went to run a load of laundry, and I think I may have damaged the water pump on the washer. For some reason, our water pressure in the neighborhood was low, and I'm guessing that the water pump had to work extra hard trying to do it's job. Now the washer is dripping water (into the tub) which isn't a good sign. The washer we have now is probably five or six years old, but the one before that was 'the washer that would not die', so we were terribly spoiled. I'll be annoyed, but not surprised if we have to get a new one in the near future.

Working outside for an hour, and I'm bushed. This last week took more out of me than I realized. Oh well. Back to it! Get these plants out and watered before Mr. Sun reaches their spot.

Posted by: Ted at 10:22 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Everyone has 'hot' words that just make them cringe when used. I'm not talking about racially charged words or swear words. Just the everyday words that really bug them.

For example, I used to go bananas when my kids said they hated someone. For me, 'hate' isn't a word a child should be using against someone else. It was kind of hammered home one day when a group of kids, including mine, came up and announced that (talking about another kid) "they hated that idiot". Two parents immediated got involved, me and another dad, but while I was talking to mine about 'hating', he was chewing his kids out for the word 'idiot'. He couldn't stand the word. Drove him up a wall.

Later we were talking and I mentioned it. He thought I was kind of naive for the 'hate' thing and I tried to explain it wasn't just the word itself, it was the word applied to someone else for no reason other than you're mad at them at that moment. I asked him how he managed without the word idiot since there were so many of them around, and he cracked me up when he said the word asshole was a pretty decent substitute.

What makes you cringe when a child speaks? What words set you off no matter who says them?

Posted by: Ted at 08:41 AM | category: Square Pegs
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(warning: full-on snark post follows)

Frnak Ethel wrote: "Since piracy really ended centuries ago, my main concern when encountering pirates would be how to get back to my own time."

I know it was a joke about pirates. He needed to say it as the setup to the punch line. But it struck me totally wrong, mainly in that Rush Limbaugh ‘any statement I pull out of my butt instantly becomes a fact’ kinda way.

Pirates are not just from hundreds of years ago. Not only does piracy still happen, but todayÂ’s pirates are infinitely more ruthless and bloodthirsty than our romantic image of them. Usually, a meeting with a modern pirate happens only once, because they automatically kill the crews of the ships they hijack. On rare occasions the passengers or crew (judged worth the trouble) may be sold to other groups interested in ransoming hostages. ItÂ’s an ongoing problem, and itÂ’s serious in parts of the world.

Posted by: Ted at 04:25 PM | category: Square Pegs
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I usually don't pay much attention to the entertainment world, but this one struck a nerve.

Spike Lee, whose movies often have a political edge, says Americans need to think more about important issues and lay off the fluff.

Like suing because you think your first name is a trademark?

Fucking idiot.

Posted by: Ted at 10:05 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Before I try to get to sleep.

I saw Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring today for the first time. I've been holding off because I wanted to see them all at one time. Damn, it was goooood.

I also saw Fast and the Furious this week for the first time. A lot better than I expected.

The federal government in Washington DC announced it would be closed tomorrow. This kinda sucks because my policy is that if I take a day off, it's my leave. If Uncle Sam takes a day, I charge them 8 hours regular time (like for blizzards, etc). I've already let everyone know that I was taking the rest of this week off sick, dammit.

My wife has to work until noon tomorrow. Dammit.

We have a parking spot right in front of our townhouse that we usually use. My new neighbor is a nitwit, and has been bitching about us monopolizing that space. Tonight it was open so he gleefully pulled in and made a big deal about getting 'our' space. When it rains hard tomorrow, that space will flood, probably high enough to flood the inside of his POS. Dumbass. I made sure there are fresh batteries in the cameras, because I want to take pictures of him trying to save his raft.

Goodnight.

Posted by: Ted at 10:55 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Wizbang photo caption contest. I'm doing the happy dance (film at 11).

Posted by: Ted at 10:27 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Yep, I've not been posting like I normally do. You may remember that on friday last I mentioned coming down with a cold, and the sinus pressure being so bad that my teeth hurt. Well, it wasn't sinus pressure. I went to the dentist this morning on an emergency basis, it turns out that I've got a cracked molar and it got infected. The whole side of my face is swollen. So I've been prowling around like a grouchy bear, sleeping 20 minutes at a time and eating nothing but the occasional bowl of soup. This morning the dentist couldn't even extract the broken tooth because the swelling is so severe, so I'm on antibiotics and hopefully (Isabel willing) I can have it taken out friday afternoon.

On the plus side, my wife has taken very good care of me during all of this, and this new dentist I went to today is a real cutie. My old dentist sold his practice and moved to Florida - rat bastard.

On the down side, according to all the weather reports, when you see the projected path of Isabel, the 'most likely' line passes right over my area. It's still a few days out, but we've already started doing a few little things like making sure all the flashlights have batteries and filling the BBQ propane tank.

So that's what's been happening in my world. I'm back and getting better, but don't ask me about it in person, because I'm still a day or two away from actually being able to speak. I've been told though that it's real entertaining watching me try.

Posted by: Ted at 06:58 PM | category: Square Pegs
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We've all heard about it, now we can finally see it for ourselves, laid out in black and white. From a column in the San Francisco Chronicle, via IndecisionGirl.

Homosexual Agenda
6 a.m. Gym.
8 a.m. Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites).
9 a.m. Hair appointment.
10 a.m. Shopping (preferably at Neiman Marcus or Nordstrom).
11 a.m. Brunch.
2 p.m. Assume complete control of the federal, state and local governments.
Destroy Christian marriage. Replace all school counselors in grades K-12
with militant recruiters for the homosexual lifestyle. Bulldoze all houses
of worship or redecorate them as discos. Secure total control of the
Internet and all mass media. Be utterly fabulous!
2:30 p.m. Get 40 winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from the
stress of world conquest; aromatherapy.
4 p.m. Cocktails.
6 p.m. Light dinner (soup, salad [arugula with balsamic vinegar dressing],
Chardonnay).
8 p.m. Theater.
10:30 p.m. Cocktails in a charming neighborhood bistro.
Midnight. Bed (du jour).

There it is. Decide for yourself.

Posted by: Ted at 11:21 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Ok, I got it from my wife, who got it from Mookie. As Rachel Lucas would say, Mookie is double-plus ungood. She'd also say that Mookie is no longer my precioussssss. I'm ornery, so I say Mookie is out of the will. This basically means that she won't have to pick up her share of the funeral expenses, because I plan to die broke but happy. I'm well on my way to achieving my goal.

Between the weather front sitting over the top of the area, and my stuffed up head, the sinus pressure is making my teeth hurt, and every time I blow my nose it feels like my eyeballs are going to pop out of my skull. If that happens, I promise pictures.

Don't forget to leave your word entries for the Google game. Susie has suggested a great name, but it's not final yet, so everything will be considered.

Update: despite the vicious attack on my character by Susie, I've linked her now and can only apologize for forgetting to do so in my medicine-fogged state.

Posted by: Ted at 09:16 AM | category: Square Pegs
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The Washington Post has an interesting article about blogs.

One theory tossed around at the New Media Society event Tuesday night was that e-mail marketing is dead and business blogs are rising up as the replacement. While the medium may not be in its grave yet, powerful spam filters that block out corporate e-mails have certainly limited its effectiveness. But some proponents of blogging say the new business-development tool can succeed in ways e-mail never could.

"I don't think e-mail is dead. I don't think it's any more difficult than it was two years ago; I just don't think it was ever that effective."

Spam is spam. At least if you blog spam, I can avoid it. The article is full of good information, you should go check it out.

Posted by: Ted at 01:59 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Mookie rearranged the kitchen drawers a while back, and her 'system' reminds me of Radar's on M*A*S*H - "That goes under 'D' for 'doesn't explode'". We have one drawer with spatula's and other wide scrapey things. Like the pizza cutter. And the bread knife. After using it, I have to admit that her system works rather well.

File this one under ‘Delusional’. I heard someone on the radio actually say that Washington Redskin running backs Ledell Betts and Trung Canidate would be the next "Csonka and Kiick". That idiot needs therapy or a urinalysis test, pronto.

In the ‘Globalization Bastards’ department, Krispy Kreme donuts has announced plans to open outlets in Wal-Mart stores. It’s typical of big business to ignore the harm that their practices cause to children. I mean, what are those annoying little kids going to do now for fundraisers?

Our weekend weather forcast has completely gone to hell thanks to the remnants of tropical storm Henri. With a name like that, are we surprised by how this turned out? He just kept hanging around doing nothing much at all. Then, ignored and irrelevant, he decides to screw things up for everyone. Someone at the National Weather Service should lose their job over this, because if they'd have just named it Hank, he'd have shown up, done his thing, and been outta here.

HereÂ’s something else thatÂ’s been bothering me. Why do anarchists have a logo? Doesn't that kinda go against the premise?

Someone who finds commonality between unrelated concepts is called a 'synergist', right? For instance, puppies are full of energy, and we buy energy drinks, so Glenn is a synergist for recognizing the potential of combining the two.

Likewise, I am a synergist for combining the idea of the World Mind Map with Bill's demand for cheesecake from Jennifer.

I feel so smart. Unless that's not the right term, in which case you can just mentally replace every 'synergist' with the correct word in what I wrote above. Then you can feel smart.

And if you really want to feel smart, read about this guy. Unless you already will.

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way,cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs
12. Turn off shower
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on floor

There you have it. Guys take more steps to take a shower. It is therefore the superior method.

“Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.” – Tim Allen

Update: Oldest daughter Robyn loves all things Tinkerbell. Hey sweetie, go check out Flitting Here & There - the adventures of one called 'Tink'. (hint to the guys: undo the top couple buttons of your shirt first.)

Posted by: Ted at 12:26 PM | category: Square Pegs
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Ever have one of those moments where it all comes together?

Bill has a longstanding demand that Jen send him pictures of her chest.

Meanwhile, Daniel points out an interesting project "where people vote on whether a pixel of a map of the world will be land or water". It's called the Mind World Map. Pretty cool, eh?

My new project is the Virtual Jennifer Map. I'll need everyone to vote, pixel at a time, on whether that bit of Jen is skin or clothed. I'm really excited about this, so I hope to see some real enthusiasm from you too.

Update: Comment from Jennifer: "Seriously, though, when do we start?"

You heard the lady. Pixel 0,0. Skin or Other?

Posted by: Ted at 06:24 PM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Terrific.

Posted by: Jennifer at September 10, 2003 06:26 PM (3ZCRn)

2 I think so!

Posted by: Ted at September 10, 2003 06:28 PM (2sKfR)

3 You know, Ted, those pictures were supposed to be PRIVATE.

Posted by: Jennifer at September 10, 2003 06:28 PM (3ZCRn)

4 This has nothing to do with those pictures. This is ART. This is SCIENCE. For Bill, this is FANTASY.

Posted by: Ted at September 10, 2003 06:29 PM (2sKfR)

5 What will my fiance think?

Posted by: Jennifer at September 10, 2003 06:30 PM (3ZCRn)

6 Seriously, though, when do we start? :-)

Posted by: Jennifer at September 10, 2003 06:53 PM (3ZCRn)

7 Wait--are you *creating* the picture, based on our dirty little minds, or are you just leading us on? I mean: Pixel 0,0. Then 0,1...then 0,2...

Posted by: Victor at September 10, 2003 07:27 PM (FNHVL)

8 Other.
Sock, in fact.

Posted by: LeeAnn at September 10, 2003 08:09 PM (HxCeX)

9 Other. (Just to torment Bill)

Posted by: Susie at September 10, 2003 09:21 PM (SM1Wt)

10 Is 0,0 top left or bottom left?

Posted by: Pixy Misa at September 10, 2003 10:01 PM (jtW2s)

11 I think "other" won.

Posted by: Jennifer at September 12, 2003 04:52 AM (3ZCRn)

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"Are you headed to junior high schools to round up the usual suspects?" -- Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) to RIAA President Cary Sherman during a Senate Judiciary hearing.

Gas prices have dropped nine cents in two days around here.

My wife is in the throes of a full-blown summer cold and sheÂ’s miserable. Mookie is fighting hard but if it takes her down too, sheÂ’ll go down swinging. My standard reaction in situations like this is to consume enough OJ to make Anita Bryant consider adoption. Family kissing has been suspended, but hugs are still freely and frequently exchanged.

A co-worker passed away last month, and theyÂ’re just now getting around to replacing him. It makes me wonder if they thought he was on vacation.

Do you like my modified NASA ‘meatball’ logo? Mookie helped me do that using her Paint Shop Pro expertise. She smirked and mentioned senility, so I thanked her, then told her to shut up and go clean her room. If she keeps it up, she’s kissing mom.

I heard about the “9/11 Digital Archive” this morning on the way to work. This is a worthy effort and worth looking at. Thanks to WTOP news radio for the tip.

Starhawk of Freedom Lives has been posting a series of pictures from the site of the World Trade Center. I hope youÂ’ve been keeping up with them. If not, itÂ’s my fault because IÂ’ve been remiss in not linking to them more.

Stevie (aka Daun) of Caught in the Xfire has a hat for me! And sheÂ’s becoming a Munuvian. Yes sweetie, I am glad to see you, and yes, that is a turkey baster in my pocket.

My Links Roster page is a mess. Consider it a bastion of anarchy in my otherwise orderly corner of the ‘sphere. But the links (mostly probably) do work, and as Johnny Cochran would say “If the links are fine, you must not whine!” Anyways, over there are new places to go and people to see, including Terra Taco, Black Five – the Paratrooper of Love, Tasberry Diary, Dues Ex Culina, Laughing Wolf, Q & O, Coyote's Bark, Classical Values, and Jocularocracy. The blogroll in the right column is evolving and shrinking slowly, use the Links Roster to see what kind of stuff I really read when you’re not looking.

* ‘Ripple Fire’ is a mode whereas multiple military rockets are launched at a target in rapid sequence. It’s similar to machine-gun fire, but with big booms at the receiving end.

Posted by: Ted at 09:07 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 A MuNu Meatball!

Posted by: Pixy Misa at September 10, 2003 09:38 AM (jtW2s)

2 I want the meatball!

Posted by: Jennifer at September 10, 2003 10:25 AM (rZmE1)

3 Go for it. I'm a trendsetter!

Posted by: Ted at September 10, 2003 11:34 AM (bov8n)

4 I like the mu.nu meatball. It just says...mu.nu.

Posted by: victor at September 10, 2003 12:54 PM (L3qPK)

5 sorry hear about the family colds. I definitely know how that works. I read my friend's (Danny i think. Or Rad) blog and he was saying this guy died in the office and no one noticed for a whole five days. How can you not know someone is dead if they are in the same position for five days? And not to mention the smell they must have had. Strange very strange.

Posted by: tasberry at September 19, 2003 12:46 AM (AT2/Q)

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A California drivers license should no longer be considered valid ID outside of the state.

Posted by: Ted at 10:08 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Takeo Spikes will be the NFL defensive player of the year. Now that he's in Buffalo in the middle of a real defense he won't have to do everything himself, which frees him up to be truly dominating.

This will also be Jerry Porter's breakout season. You can't ignore Rice and Brown, and this will be Porter's year to shine.

Yo Glenn, do you agree? For all you sports fans, you should be checking out Sports Blog if you don't already.

PS. During the singing of the National Anthem at the Oakland Raiders game, they had a bald eagle flying around the field. I saw a special about this particular bird. They found him as a youngster, and he's been trained to fly from one handler way up in the stands to another handler on the field. He's a showoff too, doing long lazy soaring circles as he flys and really getting the crowd pumped up. It's a beautiful thing to see.

Posted by: Ted at 08:49 PM | category: Square Pegs
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