Thanks for all the good wishes yesterday. The three of us went to a local dinner theater, Mookie was along as part of her (upcoming) birthday present. Like most places of the sort it's small, dark and intimate, and the actors and technical crew double as wait staff.

Our waitress was a nice lady who was only an understudy for this show, she told us her primary job was "chief electrician". Reading the actors bio's in the program, we found out that she'd appeared several times on the television series M*A*S*H as Nurse Able and also (more memorable to me) as Frank Burn's wife - remember the "home movie" where she wouldn't let him drive?

I thoroughly enjoyed myself. The food was fair (advertised as "Pennsylvania Dutch" style buffet - lots of dumplings and casseroles and such). The show was excellent: Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. This particular theater seems to specialize in musicals, and they have a pretty good cast for singing and dancing.

All in all, a nice day.

Posted by: Ted at 05:18 AM | category: Square Pegs
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1 Glad y'all had a good time! :-)

--TwoDragons

Posted by: Denita TwoDragons at July 12, 2004 12:29 PM (E0RVk)

2 Happy Anniversary! As usual, I'm fashionably late...

Posted by: Susie at July 13, 2004 01:05 PM (k57UC)

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Gahan Wilson. You may recognize his style, if not the name. Wonderful cartoonist who appeared for years in Playboy and National Lampoon, among other publications that teenagers searched through looking for pictures of boobs.

Posted by: Ted at 09:30 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I just finished lunch, a "spinach pocket" from a little coffee shop downstairs. It sounded intriguing. They took spinach and a whole bunch of mushrooms (more than I expected, but it was too late to tell 'em to hold them), threw it on the grill, topped it with a scoop of cottage cheese, then melted provolone over the top. Folded into a hot flatbread, it tasted better than it sounds.

Not that I'll be ordering it ever again.

Posted by: Ted at 12:27 PM | category: Square Pegs
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to New York. The lawyer asks if she'd like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and lots of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again she declines and closes her eyes. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word. She reaches into her purse, pulls out a fiver and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, thinks for a while and then takes out his laptop and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the internet and the Library of Congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer is more than a little miffed, so he wakes the blonde again and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

Posted by: Ted at 05:20 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Group A thinks that the way to reduce gun violence is through more education, while Group B wants legislation to deal with the problem.

Meanwhile, Group A thinks that legislation is needed to reduce the number of abortions, while Group B believes that education is enough.

Lots of facets to this one, consistency isn't one of them.

Posted by: Ted at 06:00 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Over on the right column, in the usual place. That and new banners is about all the furniture rearranging that happens here on Rocket Jones. It's a guy thing.

Posted by: Ted at 09:06 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Oldest daughter and I were driving to the hardware store saturday morning, and as we came up on a stop sign in our residential neighborhood, we spotted a large bird standing in the middle of the road.

My first thought was "chicken", then "turkey" as I realized just how big it really was. As we slowed down, it walked out of the way of my truck, and I saw the hairless red head. It was a Turkey Vulture. Not terribly uncommon, but rarely seen standing around in the road like that.

Ugly thing.

Legend has it that in the earliest of times the sun lived very close to the earth making it almost unbearable. The vulture was the most beautiful and powerful of birds-its head covered with rich feathers that all other birds envied. Knowing that the earth would burn up unless someone moved the sun, the vulture placed its head against the sun and began to fly toward the heavens. With powerful strokes of its mighty wings, it pushed the sun further and further away from the earth. Though it could feel it crown feathers burning, the vulture continued until the sun was high up in the heavens. The earth was safe, but unfortunately, the vulture lost its magnificent head of feathers for all eternity.

Posted by: Ted at 07:24 AM | category: Square Pegs
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I've been putzing around the house this weekend, taking care of little chores. I'm pretty disorganized, so one task has been to gather up all the little piles of paperwork I have stashed all over and get them into some semblance of order. While going through one stack, I came across this...

(letterhead)
Commonwealth of Virginia
Department of Motor Vehicles

Administrative Letter No. 92-5

April 24, 1992

To: All Licensed Property and Casualty Insurance Agents
All Virginia Dealers of New and Used Cars
All Banks, Finance Companies, and Lending Institutions

From: Donald E. Williams
Commisioner

Subject: Automobile Headlight Dimmer Switches

Pursuant to House Bill No. 755, all motor vehicles sold in the Commonwealth of Virginia after July 1, 1992, will be required to have headlight dimmer switches mounted on the floorboard. The dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by pressing the switch with the left foot. The dimmer switch must be far enough removed from the brake pedal or clutch pedal to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.

Included in the above bill, and beginning July 1, 1992, all vehicles with steering column mounted dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a floorboard mounted dimmer switch. The steering column dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle. Vehicles which have not made this change will not pass the requirements of the Commonwealth's Motor Vehicle Inspection Act and will, effective July 1, 1992, not be eligible for Automobile Insurance.

It is recognized that this change will cause some hardship for the driving public. However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety. A recent joint study by the Department of Motor Vehicles and the University of Virginia found that 25 percent of all nighttime highway accidents are caused by blondes getting their foot caught in the dimmer switch mounted on the steering column.

Posted by: Ted at 11:30 AM | category: Square Pegs
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My PC is down in my den/workshop/basement/laundry room, and I treat it like the comfortable 'guy space' it's supposed to be. It's seldom ready for company, and sometimes stuff lays around on the workbench for quite a while before I get around to putting it where it belongs.

I have an old stand lamp sitting next to my desk, forming a small pool of light in the usually dim room. There are four minute spiders doing acrobatic spider things on the lamp. These spiders are smaller than the roller ball in a ball point pen, which means that despite my severe arachnophobia, I don't fear them. Hell, they're fun to watch. They weave their almost invisible webs and dangle under the lamp, working like they don't need the money, until hurricane Ted raises the wind, and they scramble for their safe points.

So I watch and enjoy and am amused. And I carefully count them, because if they increase to eight, then God (or a sufficiently accurate facsimile) is gonna wipe 'em out. Because I freakin' hate spiders.

Posted by: Ted at 08:26 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Happy Independence Day!!!

(picture in the extended entry) more...

Posted by: Ted at 12:13 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Since there's been such a hue and cry (translation: nobody asked) about the secret identities of our intrepid NogMeisters, I've decided to give some clues about who they are and what they look like.

Inspired by TopDawg, in the extended entry. more...

Posted by: Ted at 04:45 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Mookie tried to buy an electric bike. Yesterday after work we re-packed it into the box, loaded it into the pickup and drove back to where she bought it. I was prepared for a fight, because there was a giant sticker on the box that said "Do Not Return To Retailer. Contact Manufacturer With Problems."

Bull. The damn thing was unusable right out of the box.

So I walked up to the Customer Service desk and told the friendly and helpful employee that I needed someone with a flatbed cart to go out to my truck and unload it, after which I wanted a refund. Then I handed him the receipt and a baggie full of broken lock pieces.

He started to make noises about the manufacturer, so I calmly and politely reminded him to call for someone with a cart to unload my truck, and asked to speak to a manager. I'm not going to waste my time dealing with him if he's not going to be immediately helpful.

I pulled the truck up in front of the store and helped two stock guys unload it onto a cart. One looks at the box and says, "Oh, it's a scooter."

I said, "No, it's a scooter-shaped piece of crap."

The guys take it inside while I go park the truck again, and Mookie hears this exchange:

Manager: "It's a scooter?"

Stock Guy: "According to him, it's a scooter-shaped piece of crap."

Five minutes later, we're walking out the door, all taken care of.

Posted by: Ted at 06:41 AM | category: Square Pegs
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There's a new low-carb dog food.

A new medical study shows that excessive protein in the diet can cause fertility "problems". The reporters I watched verbally danced around, desperately trying to not say "Atkins" or "low-carb", and implied that the "problems" involved conception. The details of the report that I heard sounded more like birth defect type "problems". Balance people, the key is balance.

"Morbidly Obese", isn't that a lovely medical term? I hearby street-slangify it to "Mo'Beast", as in, "That dude with the Mac in each hand? He is Mohhh' Beast!"

Word.

Posted by: Ted at 07:25 AM | category: Square Pegs
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"To err is human, to forgive, divine." -- Alexander Pope

I've humor to give in trade for sin. -- anagram of above

Posted by: Ted at 09:20 PM | category: Square Pegs
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I've been reading Percival Lowell's Mars, the seminal 1895 work. In it, the famed astronomer examines the planet with care and in detail, and despite classic use of logic and deduction, manages to get almost everything completely wrong. Such is science.

Anyways, in one passage Lowell states:

"...with about as much probability... as that a chance collection of numbers should take the form of the multiplication table."

Posted by: Ted at 04:57 AM | category: Square Pegs
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On the radio I heard an ad featuring a couple of voices who were 'obviously' black and urban. The product was those walkie-talkie phones, and the kicker line was, "your late-night bootie chirp".

Why is it that it's ok to air this kind of crap to make money, but if we use similar logic for security purposes it's denounced as racial profiling?

Posted by: Ted at 07:05 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Flipping the zippy, pounding yer pud, spanking the monkey, etc. Whatever you call it, it's all just snazzier ways of saying "male masturbation" (how sterile and clinical that sounds!). The first time I ever heard it called "choking your chicken" was in Basic Training, and it was one of our drill sergeant's favorite phrases.

I had a boss once who's still a very good friend. He was single, and made no bones about it - he beat off frequently. During our smoke breaks at work we'd get into some of the damndest conversations - "that older sister on The Wild Thornberry's, I bet she'd be a demon in bed" - and my boss would smile and say, "I've got to go be alone with myself now."

I used to tease him about it all the time. I'd tell him he jerked off so often that he kept a picture of his right hand in his wallet.

He used his left hand sometimes just so he could pretend he was with a stranger.

For him, foreplay was kissing and licking his fingers.

Got any good one-liners or anecdotes? Put 'em in the comments. Don't be shy, we all know it's stuff that's happened to your 'friend'. Uh-huh, sure.

And just to be crass, here's a related Helen Keller joke:

Q: Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she could moan with the other.

Posted by: Ted at 07:48 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Is William Hung the real-life equivalent of South Park's Timmy?

Posted by: Ted at 08:09 PM | category: Square Pegs
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As promised, we conducted an emergency test of the Remote NogWatch System. Here's the original no-notice alert sent to my good friend and occasional commenter Anonymous Kyle:

Kyle,
This is a test of the Remote Nog Watch Network. Please check on the nog when you get a chance and let me know the status. No hurry, no pressure, but millions of interested blog readers are sitting on the edge of their seats and gnawing their nails, wondering if this will work.

Godspeed,
Ted

Soon enough for government work, NogWarden Kyle reported back:

The Nog Stands Alone. Tell everyone that they can stop chewing thier toenails. Maybe our friend in the fridge could start it's own NogBlog.

So yeah, the Remote NogWatch System is a success. And I learned a couple of things: first, friends are important when you want to get things done, and second, it takes some real work to suck as bad as Bill.

Posted by: Ted at 05:25 AM | category: Square Pegs
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Other times you're the bug. Work has dominated my universe this week, so I haven't been around to visit my usual haunts, let alone post much interesting here. I am working on something cool, hopefully it'll be ready to go tomorrow evening.

For a complete change of pace, I'll tell you about my humdrum home life. Last weekend I'd planned to replace the attic fan motor, but as usual, not only couldn't I find one at the HumongousHardwareChain, but they've restocked the place with all new clerks who graduated surly cum laude.

So instead, I helped my neighbor replace his picket fence. Much use of manly power tools was made. He was kind enough to give me a new fan motor (he's in that line of work), so this afternoon Mookie and I braved the sauna of the attic and knocked that item off the honey-do list.

And that about sums up life this week. Things will calm down soon enough, and return to as near to normal as it ever gets.

Posted by: Ted at 07:34 PM | category: Square Pegs
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